Excerpts from Pippsi Longknickers
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These excerpts are to let you know what the play is about.
They are not for performing.
Do not write your own lines in between these excerpts.
If you want the whole play, pay for it. It's cheap!
SCENE 1: PIPPSI MOVES IN
(CHEYENNE stage right, and CODY stage left lean, backs to audience, on a rail fence looking at Pippsis house.)
CODY: Isnt it a shame that no one ever lives in that old house?
CHEYENNE: Someone should move in.... Someone with children.
(They both climb up to sit on fence facing audience.)
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CHEYENNE: A girl. So we could play house and put on makeup and make cactus jelly.
CODY: No, a boy. So we could play cowboys and build tree houses and make mud bombs.
PIPPSI: No, a girl who isnt afraid to act like a boy. So we can do all of that and more!
CODY & CHEYENNE: Yesss... (thinking)
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: (salutes, bows and curtsies)
Pippsi Longknickers, Esquire. At your service. (twirls) And this is Professor Banana and Sir Horace. I live in this house, Casa Casablanca, formerly the home of my dear mother and father.
CHEYENNE: Oh, your mother and father arent.... here......now?
PIPPSI: No, my mother died when I was a little nina (neenya). Then I sailed with my pirate captain father until he blew overboard in a storm. Im sure he washed ashore on a cannibal island and has become their king, and commands their bloody rituals all day.
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(CODY and CHEYENNE try to lift trunk, but it wont budge and they fall on it. PIPPSI hands horses reins to CODY and hoists trunk to her shoulder.
PIPPI leads on path to house, followed by CODY, SIR HORACE, CHEYENNE and PROF. BANANA who takes CHEYENNEs hand as she passes.)
CHEYENNE: So if you dont have a mother or father, who tells you to eat your vegetables and things like that?
PIPPSI: I tell myself! First I tell myself in a nice way; and then, if I dont obey, I count down from ten and if I havent behaved by then, then I give myself a swat!
CODY: (To audience) Now that I believe.
(ALL EXIT. CURTAIN CLOSES.)
SCENE 2: HISTORY CHAT (Closed Curtain)
(SIR HORACE and PROF. BANANA wander out in front of curtain. Humans never hear animals talking.)
SIR HORACE: Professor Banana, I presume?
PROF. BANANA: Pleased to make your acquaintance. And upon good information, I can surmise that you are Sir Horace.
SIR HORACE: Since 11 AM when your master purchased me. In the past Ive carried many monikers.
PROF. BANANA: Oh, do relate them please!
SIR HORACE: I would be glad to.
I began life as Sugar Lump and wore pretty ribbons tied by an even prettier childs hand, but times were hard and I was sold to become Giddy-up Ned.
There is no shame in hard work, and work hard I did. My strength was recognized and my fortune changed again, but not all fortune is good.
Now my name became Wind Dasher Over Vanishing Horizon officially, but Worthless Beast for short.
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PROF. BANANA: Pippsi is a good master. Ive been with her and her father since she was on all fours like yourself.
SIR HORACE: And are you from deepest Africa?
PROF. BANANA: No more than you are escaped from the circus.
SIR HORACE: Aaah! So history is written by those who make it up.
PROF. BANANA: Yes, but what is a historian without believers?
SIR HORACE: Touche! (Too-shay!)
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/ / / ---SCENE 3: Men in Black (Closed Curtain)
(ANGUS enters, rakes. Agents SCOLDY and MILDEW enter and walk up behind him.)
AGENT MILDEW: Angus Hickleberry?
ANGUS: (jumps startled) Jumping jumpfrogs! Whered you two come from?
(SCOLDY stops on other side of ANGUS)
SCOLDY: Angus Hickleberry?
ANGUS: Have been for 73 years.
MILDEW: Mr. Hickleberry, have you reported seeing unusual lights in the sky and strange patterns in your crop fields?
ANGUS: Yes, I have, but no one believes me. They think Im tetched in the head.
SCOLDY: Do you suffer from senility?
ANGUS: No I dont you young whippersnapper! I got all my wits about me, and Im the best danged checker player in this county..
MILDEW: (interrupting) Please describe the lights, Mr. Hickleberry.
ANGUS: (still angry, but willing to cooperate) Well, it was late November about 11 pm and I heard my hens cackling, so I went out to see if some varmint was pestering them.
SCOLDY: The lights, please, Mr. Hickleberry.
ANGUS: I was getting to that!
(muttering) Speaking of varmints. Well up in the sky, towards the east there was this ring of revolving lights, all greenish and blue, then they zoomed away fastern a greased weasel.
MILDEW: This greasy weasel was what color?
ANGUS: Theres no weasel, you brainless idiot! Clean the corn cobs from your ears.
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/ / /
---SCENE 4: MAKING COOKIES (open curtain)
(Interior of PIPPSIs house. Sugar and flour sacks and other cooking stuff (egg beaters, rolling pin, etc.) on table. 8 large bowls.
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: (thrusting bags and spoons)
Cody, you do the 28 cups of sugar and
Cheyenne, you do the.....(writing in flour.)
... 32 cups of flour!
(CODY and CHEYENNE scoop.)
(PIPPSI wanders right reading in cook book, then EXITS to pantry.
PROF. BANANA: Its about time you showed up. I cant conduct this culinary lesson alone. Fetch me a rubber spatula!
SIR HORACE: Culinary lesson?? This??
What do you call it? Julia Child goes Neanderthal?
Cooking with dandruff ?
Get more fiber with monkey hair?
PIPPSIs voice: Next well need.....16 eggs.
(Eggs fly out.) One!
(CHEYENNE drops cup to catch egg.)
SIR HORACE: Incoming!!!
(Prof B. hides under table. Sir H. gallops to right.)
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SIR HORACE: (snorting in bowl) Needs alfalfa.
PIPPSI: (reading in cookbook) Hmmm, no. I see a problem.
CODY: Health code violation?
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CHEYENNE: Dont you want to clean up this mess before taking a bath?
PIPPSI: Wel l mix the cookie dough in the bathtub! (grabs big bowl and runs behind shower curtain around bathtub. Sound of pouring. )
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/ / / ---SCENE 5(a): SCAVENGING (Closed Curtain)
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/ / / ---SIR HORACE: Aaachoo! Im sorry! Sniff.
(Sneezing fades away) Its just the flour in the air when Pippsi started sweeping.
PROF. BANANA: Hoo-boy! Shes a tornado with a broom isnt she?
SIR HORACE: (laughing) Those clouds of flour looked like the cavalry was coming.
PROF. BANANA: I hope they are. Somebody has to eat all those cookies.
SIR HORACE: Well, maybe your little monkey belly cant handle more than crumbs soaked in milk, but my tremendous horse appetite isnt afraid of a few hundred cookies.
PROF. BANANA: Are you saying you can eat more cookies than I can?
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/ / / ---CHEYENNE: I cant believe we made 650 cookies so quickly.
CODY: Having Sir Horace walk on the dough to cut out the cookies with his hooves was a stroke of genius!
PIPPSI: Well, it just made sense at the time.
PROF. BANANA: The way you daintily trotted across the cookie dough! Poetry in motion.
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/ / / ---SCENE 5(b): BULLIES (as curtain opens)
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BUSTER: (shoving BENJY towards Thuggy) Take that, you little dirt face.
THUGGY: (shoving towards Spike) Little dirt face!
SPIKE: (punching) Oh, excuse me! I guess you got in the way of my fists! Oh, I beg your pardon.
(knocks him down) Thuggy, help the lad up and brush the dust from his cute little nose.
(Thuggy lifts Benjy by his underarms. Bullies pound him. Benjy screams in terror. Jackie stands center watching, laughing. )
PIPPSI: Ive had enough of this!
(PIPPSI begins marching towards bullies. CODY and CHEYENNE struggle to hold her back.)
CODY: No, Pippsi! Theyll hurt you up!
CHEYENNE: Ive seen them beat up girls!
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PIPPSI: Hey! You the Head Honcho? What gives you the right to gang up on a little kid?
(JACKIE looks at PIPPSI in amazement.)
PROF. B: Go Pippsi! Pound her to pudding!
SIR HORACE: Dont be naive. You know these professional matches are all faked.
JACKIE: Hey gang! Forget the runt and look at Natures Sense of Humor. Ha, ha, ha!
(Benjy runs and hides behind CODY, peeking out. Tallest bully goes to stand behind Pippsi, other two at sides behind her, Jackie at side on her stage level, Pippsi faces front, hands on hips, very confident.
Look at this hair. Red as fire.
(grabs braid and drops it.)
Ouch! It is fire. Ha, ha, ha. And such shoes. Can I borrow one, missy? Id like to go fishing and I havent any boat.
CODY: Run, Pippsi!
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JACKIE: (shoving bullies out of his way to reach Pippsi)
So beat it, Raspberry Swirl!
(Jackie steps back, gallantly with an arm sweep, for Pippsi to escape, but she just smiles. Jackie shoves her. She grabs Jackies shirtfront and lift-marches him backwards and dumps him into a hollow tree stump, with his arms and legs sticking up helplessly. PROF. BANANA teases him.)
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/ / / ---JACKIE: Buster, Spike! Attack her! Now!
(BUSTER & SPIKE cluster together, fists up.)
SPIKE: But theres only two of us, Jackie!!
BUSTER: And were only twice her size!!
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/ / / ---SPIKE: Youre inviting us?
BUSTER: To your house?
SPIKE: For cookies?
PIPPSI: Sure! You dont like cookies?
BUSTER SPIKE: No! We love cookies!
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/ / / ---BENJY: How did you get so strong, Pippsi?
PIPPSI: Clean living! And deep breathing!
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JACKIE: (toughly) Oh, Ill be back. (wiggles ridiculously to get out). Oh ow, my rumps asleep.
(CLOSE CURTAIN).
SCENE 5C: NAPTIME ( Curtain closed)
(PIPPSI and group enter audience area).
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: (yawning) Home again, home again, jiggety-jig. Great Caesars ghost. Im suddenly so sleepy. I must take a nap. Come and tuck me in, please.
(takes off shoes, looks at them before handing them to Cody.) Going fishing he said and needed a boat. Ill teach him how to fish, I will. Another time. (Yawn)
CODY: Why do you wear such big shoes, Pippsi?
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SCENE 6: SNITCH (closed curtain)
(JACKIE steps in front of curtain. Dials phone.)
JACKIE: (in mature voice) Hello, Id like to report an unsupervised child living in the abandoned house on Chestnut Lane.....
Yes, a little girl about nine years old.... Incredibly filthy and unschooled, living with mangey animals and eating out of trash cans....
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SCENE 7: WERE FROM THE GOVERNMENT...
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BUSYBODY: Good morning, child. We are here to facilitate your empowerment.
PIPPSI: (pause, puzzling) Fa-silly-face my en-cow-percent???
ALL AGENTS: Tsk, tsk, tsk.
WIGOUT: Functionally illiterate.
SCOOTEMOFF: Linguistically challenged.
BUSYBODY: Token enigma of minimalist cultural deprivation.
SCOOT & WIG: (towards Busybody) Harrumph!
PIPPSI: (shows irritated face to audience, then smiles at agents) Thank you very much. Its so nice to be welcomed into the neighborhood. My name is Pippsi Longknickers, Esquire.
(salutes, bows and curtsies)
WIGOUT: Yes, Im sure it is. (introduce female first) This is Welfare Caseworker Busybody, Truant Officer Scootemoff and I am Psychiatrist Wigout.
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: So... let me get this straight. Umm...
(rolls eyes, makes thinking faces, scratches head, crosses stage.)
Youre... um... (turns abruptly pointing finger)
Youre from the government, right?!
AGENTS: (overjoyed) Yes! And were here to help you!
PIPPSI: (sincerely, hurrying to her first position) Help me! Oh, Im so glad youre here. I didnt know how I would do it alone!
WIGOUT (stepping forward and bending over, taking her hand and patting it): There, there sweet child. Too much freedom disables anyones psycho-emotional equilibrium. Well take over from here. (stands up, puts hands on her shoulders and turns her towards house door) Go get what inappropriate clothing and stolen toys you have and come with us.
PIPPSI (scampering away, face audience during explanation): My clothing and toys are no problem. Its that silly porch swing that I need help with.
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/ / / ---BUSYBODY: Some nice people in town are arranging for you to be taken care of in the State Childrens Home.
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PIPPSI (pulling away): Is a child allowed to bring horses or monkeys to this childrens home?
BUSYBODY: Of course not! Animals are filthy and infested with parasites.
SIR HORACE: Better than being a parasite.
WIGOUT: Health Department regulations!
SCOOTEMOFF: Septic Refuse and Infectious Agents Ordinance, Section 12, Paragraph 22.
BUSY & WIG: Harrumph!
PROF. BANANA: Animals know how to keep clean without passing laws.
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/ / / ---WIGOUT: Our agencies have your best interests at heart, so please relinquish your self directed-ness.
(Pippsi doesnt see Scootemoff pulling out handcuffs.)
SCOOTEMOFF: Or your choice of behaviors will limit our options in converting your lifestyle paradigm.
(grabs Pippsis arm and tries to cuff it.)
PIPPSI: What fun! Tag!
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BUSYBODY: Little Penny, please desist these evasive maneuvers!
PIPPSI: Yoo-hoo!
WIGOUT: (gritting teeth in fury) Little angel, continued hostile manipulations..
PIPPSI: Hey slowpokes!
SCOOTEMOFF:.. will only prolong...
PIPPSI: Here I am!
BUSYBODY:... this necessary procedure!
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CHEYENNE: We stopped by to ask if you can go with our family on a trip to the beach during Easter vacation.
WIGOUT: Contextually-driven paradigm (para-dime) research knows all about your type, Pumpernickel!
PIPPSI: Oh, thats so unfair! I never get Easter vacation, nor Christmas vacation, and certainly never summer vacation!
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/ / / ---WIGOUT: (sees PIPPSI below. Snarling sweetly.) Pipsqueak! Now sweet child, we understand your need to externalize your inner disordered apprehensions, but you...you... you... you rotten brat! If I get my hands on you Ill twist your ears off!
PIPPSI: Excuse me, please, Mr(s) Busybody, Dr. Wigout and Officer Scootemoff. I cant play tag anymore. I have to get off to school. Please help yourself to cookies and tea downstairs. Goodbye!
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/ / / ---(CLOSE CURTAIN)
SCENE 7: WALK TO SCHOOL (Closed Curtain.)
(CODY, CHEYENNE, PIPPSI, SIR HORACE and PROF. BANANA ENTER and walk through audience.)
CODY: Were doing fractions in arithmetic right now. You still remember how to do them right?
PIPPSI: Only with cookies. Can you use frictions and malty-per-tashun with recipes for other foods as well?
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CODY: After penmanship is recess. We play marbles and jump rope and then we go in and Mr. Olsen reads us a story.
PIPPSI: About cutthroat pirates and dancing harem girls or getting swallowed by huge fish and being digested alive?
CODY: (embarrassed) Ummmm... no. About kittens and their mittens and toads who drive cars...and ... stuff...
CHEYENNE: Mr. Macgregor tried to hack little Peter Rabbit to death with the rake!
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SCENE 9: SCHOOL DAZE (Curtain Opens)
( MR. OLSEN in empty schoolroom. CODY & CHEYENNE enter motioning to PIPPSI not to bring the animals in.)
CODY & CHEYENNE: No, Pippsi, please, its not allowed, etc.
CODY: (turns) Good morning, Mr./Mrs. Olsen, uh, the 4th grade has a new student.
PIPPSI: Three new students!! Sir Horace doesnt need a chair and Professor Banana would rather sit on peoples heads during class.
OLSEN: My goodness!
PIPPSI: How rude of me!
(strides forward to shake hands)
Let me introduce myself: Pippsi Longknickers, Esquire (shakes hands, curtseys, bows) and this is Sir Horace and Professor Banana.
(ANIMALS & PIPPSI twirl)
Youll probably say, and I agree, that they dont belong here. Sir Horace cant count past 5, while
Professor Banana is so smart he should be in the 6th grade. But if I send them to another classroom, Im afraid theyll misbehave.
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/ / / ---OLSEN: We must get these animals out of here!
Class must begin!
(BENJY & SPIKE ENTER)
BENJY: Jumping Jehosophat! Theres a monkey in my chair!
(Prof. Banana hops out of chair and into teachers chair.)
SPIKE: And a horse eating the curtain!
PIPPSI: Hi Benjy! Hi Spike!
BENJY & SPIKE: Pippsi is in our class! Yay!! ( High 5. Sit.)
OLSEN: Pippsi, Im sorry. These animals must go out.
PIPPSI: But why?
OLSEN: To maintain order.
(JACKIE, BUSTER ENTER.)
JACKIE: ... and if that little red-headed floor mop comes clomping around again --Eeeeyak!!!
(sees PIPPSI, screams falling backwards, throwing books into the air.)
BUSTER: Hi , Pippsi! (sits)
PIPPSI: Hi, Buster!
(THUGGY ENTERS.)
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OLSEN: Thank you for being so cooperative, Pippsi. Why dont you take that empty chair over there?
PIPPSI: Oh, Id rather take this chair here. (plops into teachers chair) It has a much better view.
(OLSEN is speechless.)
CHEYENNE: Pippsi, thats the teachers chair.
PIPPSI: Oh, Im sorry. I guess thats why you get here so early so as to get dibs on the best seat. (takes the offered seat.) Whats first? I hope its arithmetic. And I hope its tasty.
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/ / / ---OLSEN: Pippsi, would you like to stand in front of the class and tell us about yourself?
PIPPSI: (jumping up and striding to front)
Would I? You bet!
(Strikes a melodramatic pose)
Where does the story of a motherless, fatherless ship-raised little waif begin? At her birth aboard ship during a hurricane?
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OLSEN: (interrupting) Thank you, Pippsi! Perhaps we can save the rest of your story for another time.
(He hustles PIPPSI back to her seat.)
PIPPSI: Good idea! I could tell it in installments!
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/ / / ---JACKIE: Yes, Sir. But a dress code might do us some good. (looking at PIPPSI.)
Keep out the riff-raff.
BENJY: (interrupting, standing, shouting)
Pippsis not riff-raff! Dont you call her that! Pippsi doesnt beat up on littler kids! Pippsis brave and, and, and really nice!
(suddenly out of breath and scared, sits and buries his face in his arms. All is quiet except for Benjys breathing.
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/ / / ---OLSEN: Pippsi, I am testing your knowledge. 7 and 5 are 12. Lets try again. How much would 8 and 4 be?
PIPPSI: 8 and 4 what?
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OLSEN: No, Pippsi. 8 and 4 are 12.
PIPPSI: Mr. Olsen! Isnt that carrying things too far? You just said that 7 and 5 are 12. There should be some rhyme and reason to things even in school.
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/ / / ---PROF. BANANA: ... and so in conclusion, Id have to surmise that humans, on the whole, have been educated far beyond their intelligence.
SIR HORACE: Well, if youre so smart, then when the kids offer you your choice of a dime or a nickel, why do you always take the nickel? Because its bigger?
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PIPPSI: So Mr. Olsen, these intergers and those units and all that stuff -- its interesting but do you do anything with it besides sharing apples and buying cans of soup?
OLSEN: You do all sorts of things with arithmetic, Pippsi. You use it to run a business, or build a house, or calculate how far youve driven or sailed...
PIPPSI: Sailed!? Would you use it to find out how many miles a storm blew you off course?
OLSEN: Well, yes. Using the time of day and the angle of the sun, or the stars, you could calculate where you were.
PIPPSI: Wow! Math is useful!
BUSTER (hand up) : Would you use math to build a catapult?
OLSEN: A catapult?? Well, a catapult is a simple lever with a scoop for your missile on one end and force applied to the other. Many variations have been used through history, but unlike ancient people, we dont have to build a catapult to test it, we have math to calculate the best design before building it.
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/ / / ---SPIKE: Would you use math to design and sew the perfect prom dress?
BOYS: Yuck!
SPIKE: OK, the perfect Mutant Dinosaur Ranger costume.
BOYS: Ooooh.
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THUGGY (who has been watching amazed): Why didnt you tell us before??? Im doing my assignments from now on!
OLSEN: You will?
THUGGY: Of course!!!! I wanna have a fun job when I grow up.
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SPIKE: Building a huge kite to drop water balloons??
OLSEN: Yes, yes. You would use math for all of that. Class, class, please settle down. We must have order.
(They settle down)
BELL: Bong! Bong!
OLSEN: Arithmetic is over, you are excused for recess.
CLASS (whining): No!!!!
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PIPPSI: But Im not coming to school every day.
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(CURTAIN CLOSES)
SCENE 10: BEFORE THE PARTY (Closed Curtain)
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PROF. BANANA: Yeah, watch yourself, horse-face, or shell gussey you up again with pretty ribbons and braids in your hair.
SIR HORACE: Hey. I look good in ribbons and braids.
PROF. BANANA: Yeah. Like a Christmas tree. Deck the horse.
SIR HORACE: At least I dont wear doll clothes.
(snort-sputters)
PIPPSI: Eeeew! Sir Horace! Dont blow slobber in my hair.
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: Not bad. Not bad at all. Stylish even. Yes, very stylish. Ill have to look for my photo in the society column of tomorrows paper.
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/ / / ---CHEYENNE: I hope we did the right thing to invite Pippsi.
CODY: Me too. You never know what shell do. And Mothers lady friends are so persnickety.
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/ / / ---SCENE 11: TEA PARTY
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/ / / ---MRS. SILVERSPOON: (hollering from kitchen) Get the door please, honey!
CHEYENNE: Good afternoon Mrs. Belittleton. Please come in.
MRS. BELITTLETON: Good afternoon, Cheyenne. What a pretty dress, child. Now isnt that nicer than those filthy play clothes I see you in so often?
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MRS. S: Oh, its early yet. Have a seat.
MRS. B: Early? Oh, yes. (looking around) I see youre not ready yet. Would you like me to help? I could dust? Wash some windows?
MRS. S: (through gritted teeth) Youre too kind, dear. Just have a seat.
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/ / / ---CODY: Cheyenne! Tell Mrs. Belittleton about your spelling bee award.
(CODY EXITS on the run. CHEYENNE sits with similarly disguised look of horror.)
MRS. B: Spelling bee award?! Very good! Now you can hold your head up high around the prettier girls.
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/ / / ---MRS. S: Mrs. Tushenstein, so nice to see you. And youre looking so well.
MRS. T: Well, Ive been working out. (demonstrates some muscle poses.)
CODY: (whispering loud) Is Pippsi here?
CHEYENNE: (peeking out from under coats) No.
(CODY & CHEYENNE EXIT blindly with coats. If they drop something, they kick it along.)
MRS. T: I rented that Buns of Steel video and Ive watched it six times!
MRS S: Well, that explains a lot!
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MRS. W: Did any of you see the shabby coat Mayor Stash-its wife wore to the Save the Historic Watering Troughs benefit?
MRS. T: Oh, I did! It was absolute dusty! She must have left it hanging in the attic all year.
MRS. A: And another thing: her hat! Wasnt it dreadful?
MRS. B: Oh, yes! Her hat! It looked more like a birds nest. Mayor Stash-it certainly isnt spending any of those missing funds on his wife.
LADIES: (nodding knowingly) Mmm-hmmm..
PIPPSI: So where can a person dig up some nice fat fishing worms around here? All I can find are those curled-up grubs that burst if you stick a hook into them.
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CHEYENNE: Thats not the way its done.
PIPPSI: How is it done?
CODY: Not by gargling and blowing bubbles or putting your feet on the table.
CHEYENNE: Or grabbing food with both hands or changing the subject to talk about disgusting stuff.
(PIPPSI covers face and bursts into tears surprising CODY and CHEYENNE. Ladies dont notice.)
PIPPSI (crying): I did everything wrong.
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/ / / ---
CODY: (spitting on napkin and wiping her face) Wipe that snot off your chin. Youll do OK. Well help you.
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/ / / ---MRS. T: Edgar, these pastries are delicious. Its such a temptation to overeat and lose my figure.
EDGAR: Thank you, maam. Im sure youll never lose your figure.
MRS. T: Oh, thank you, Edgar!
(EDGAR rolls his eyes.)
MRS. A: Three maids Ive suffered through this year. All were incompetent and lazy. It was more work to keep them busy than to do the work myself. And another thing: the way they hung the mop
MRS. B: (interrupting) Ive had the same problem with my servants. I fired Jenny because she wadded, rather than folded, the clothes, and now her replacement Matilda is blind to any dirt in the corners.
MRS. A: Its not as if I was asking for perfection, just a little common sense and effort. And another thing: why cant they speak respectfully
MRS. T: And be on time! Especially with dinner when we are entertaining guests?
MRS. A: Yes! Yes! Exactly! And another thing --
PIPPSI (jumping up, walking about) : My grandmother always said that her servant Gorta was the most perfect servant in the world, so creative about all her duties!
She would never do the same chore the same way twice. It was dazzling to behold.
One day shed sweep the kitchen dirt out the back door, and the next day shed sweep the dirt from the yard back into the kitchen!
She might stack the towels in the linen closet one day, but the next day the linen closet would be full of rakes, shovels and fertilizer because Gorta had stashed the towels in the basement behind the water heater. Every day was an adventure!
You learned early on to find your towel before taking a bath, or youd be tiptoeing around the house dripping wet, naked as a jay bird, looking for a towel.
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/ / / ---MRS. W: Im not absolutely certain, but I suspect that my Jenny steals.
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PIPPSI: (during chase) Grandmother said Gorta stole everything she could lay her hands on! She would get up in the middle of the night and steal, otherwise she said she couldnt sleep well. Once she stole Grandmas grand piano, but she had no place to hide it, so she dragged a carpet over it and told Grandmother that the houses foundation was settling unevenly!
(PIPPSI is finally jerked offstage.)
LADIES: Aaaaah.
MRS. S: Thats better. More tarts or coffee anyone?
(Ladies take more tarts and coffee.)
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: (jumping back into doorway)
And shed rearrange the furniture during parties! Ladies would stand up to reach for a deviled egg and shed snatch their chair out from under them...
(CODY, CHEYENNE shove/tackle PIPPSI back out door. They RE-ENTER into downstage playroom.)
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: I got you in trouble??? (starts to cry) I did it again.
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CODY: Well....(thinks) I dont know why they were offended. I liked your stories.
CHEYENNE: I think its because they are grown-ups and were kids.
PIPPSI: What do they talk about besides their servants?
CODY: Mostly boring stuff. Food, other ladies, how smart their kids are, how rotten other peoples kids are...
CHEYENNE: It was real interesting one time when they talked about child birth. How many hours it took, and how rude the doctors and nurses were, and how worthless their husbands were, and something about water breaking all over the bed, (CODY looks ill) and subtractions that go on, and on, and on, and all the screaming and screaming, and all the blood gushing out.. (there is an optional replacement section for this section at the end of the script.)
(CODY faints.)
PIPPSI and CHEYENNE: CODY! CODY!
(They kneel beside him and lift up his head. He wakens. EDGAR enters with tray of cookies. He quickly sets it down and checks Cody.)
EDGAR: Cody! Are you OK? Did you faint?
CODY: Im OK, Edgar. I just got a little dizzy.
EDGAR: What made you dizzy? You werent holding your breath or doing anything dangerous were you?
CHEYENNE: No, no, Edgar. We were just talking.
EDGAR: About what?
CHEYENNE: (nervously) Ummmm.... babies.
EDGAR: (nervously) What..umm... aspect of babies?
CHEYENNE: .... Babies being born.
EDGAR: (greatly relieved) Whew! Good! Thats fine. Heres some cookies and Ill bring you some hot chocolate. Pippsi, would you like yours with whipped cream or a marshmallow?
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: Will you accept my apology? (She will be hurt by insults an will turn her sad face towards audience. EDGAR could pat her shoulder.)
MRS. B: Really, Mrs. Silverspoon. Arent you afraid that simple little Cody and Cheyenne will pick up bad habits playing with trash like this?
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MRS. S (stepping towards them): How dare you talk to a child like that! Pippsi may not know the rules of etiquette but she is honest and good hearted, which is more than I can say for you! If you cant return a childs apology with anything better than vicious insults, (throws coats at them) then get out of our home right now!
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/ / / ---MRS T: Rabid, mad animals. Theyll rip our throats out!
PIPPSI: Thats Sir Horace and Professor Banana! Arent they funny?
MRS W: They want blood! Call 911!
PIPPSI: They just want to play!
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/ / / ---
MRS. B: Let me past! Im the Morals Committee President!
MRS. T (wiggling rear end which sticks out of group): Out of my way!
MRS. W: Well die here! Trapped!
MRS. A: And another thing: Eaten alive!
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SCENE 12: TRICK OR TREAT (Closed Curtain)
(Night time, spots of colored light through branches. Night sounds. Tombstones on stage.)
(Costumed PIPPSI (with braids sticking out), CHEYENNE, CODY, SIR HORACE and PROF. BANANA ENTER.)
CODY: ...and the only way to kill a vampire is by hammering a wooden stake through their heart or to expose them to sunlight.
PIPPSI: ..wooden stake... sunlight... And you kill a werewolf with a gold bullet?
CODY: Silver bullet.
PIPPSI: Silver bullet. And zombies you shoot in the head with any old bullet.
CODY: Right!
CODY and PIPPSI: (yelling gleefully) Yeah, theyre dead. Theyre all messed up!
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/ / / ---KIDS: Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give us something good to eat!
PIPPSI: If you dont, we dont care, well pull down
CODY & CHEYENNE: Shush shhhhh!!!
MRS Tushenstein: Oh my, how scary! (passes out candy) A devil, a ghost, a headless horseman and a pirate-- is that you, Pippsi Longknickers?
PIPPSI: Esquire! How did you know it was me, Mrs. Tushenstein?
MRS. T: Im psychic. I enjoyed your party last week, Pippsi. Ive been meaning to bring you over a homemade blueberry pie and a thank-you card.
PIPPSI: Oh, you dont have to do all that... unless you want to! I was really glad that you came.
MRS. T: Cant have Mrs. Silverspoon calling me chicken, can I?
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/ / / ---CODY: What way do you want to go?
PIPPSI: This way. Its shorter.
CHEYENNE & CODY: Through the cemetery???
PIPPSI: Dont worry! Theyre dead. Theyre all messed up!
(She is the only one who laughs.)
Oh, come on. Itll take 5 minutes instead of 30.
Well have more time to trick-or-treat.
(Cody and CHEYENNE look at each other.)
CHEYENNE: Ill do it if youll do it.
CODY: I guess well be ok.
(Begin to cross stage.)
PROF. B.: So why is my fur standing on end?
SIR H.: I just hope we dont experience the true meaning of Halloween.
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/ / / ---(CODY tries to pull off OOOSHs head.)
CODY: When I get this mask off, youre in big trouble kid!
(The head doesnt come off. WOOZOK pulls a ray gun and points it in CODYS face.)
ALIEN: Go ahead. Make my day.
PIPPSI: Suffering succotash, Cody! Theyre real aliens!
BOTH ALIENS: (giggling and sputtering) Suffering succotash! Suffering succotash! Suffering succotash!
(PIPPSI gently pulls CODY away.)
PIPPSI: (singsong) Cody, Sir Horace, Professor Banana, lets get out of here before were toast.
(Animals stay with aliens.)
SIR H: Neighhh!
ALIEN 1: Mister Ed??
(Both aliens pet his nose.)
BOTH ALIENS: (vibrating nasal voice) Wilbur. Wilbur. Wilbur. (continue)
CODY: I know whats going on! I read a science fiction story about this!
PIPPSI: About us????
CODY: No! About Earths television signals traveling out into space, and alien life receiving them, and thinking our tv shows were our real lives!
CHEYENNE: Theyll be terribly disappointed.
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/ / / ---SCOLDY: Well, it may look like a flying saucer but thats not necessarily what it is.
AGENT MILDEW: Whats your explanation, then?
SCOLDY: I dont have a ready explanation. It could be a number of things: A prop from a spook house, a.. uh.. a big Frisbee.
AGENT MILDEW: Scoldy, its made of an unknown metal and full of other world technology and its flattened a half mile of trees.
SCOLDY: Mildew, are you saying that attacking trees is a characteristic of alien life? Why must you make every case a projection of your inner turmoil?
AGENT MILDEW: Scoldy, its a space ship.
SCOLDY: Well, if it is a space ship, where are the alien occupants? The cabin is empty.
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/ / / ---SCOLDY: Hello, Agent Scoldy here. Hi, Chief. No nothing much. Some construction debris, some harmless 3-toed humanoid footprints.
AGENT MILDEW: (grabbing phone) Chief, its the connection between the Kennedy assassination and the potato chip conglomerates that weve been looking for!
SCOLDY: (jerking phone back) Gotta go, Chief. Well be staying at the Baltmore Ritz for the next two weeks to finish the case. Bye! Now what were we talking about?
AGENT MILDEW: I forget. Do you remember those studies in the seventies about plants reading human minds and feeling emotions? Do you ever wonder if theyre talking about you? Are you uncomfortable eating a salad in front of a house plant?
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/ / / ---ALIENS: (happily, closing eyes, clicking heels) Theres no place like home. Theres no place like home.
CHEYENNE: But how do we get them past those FBI agents and into their ship?
PIPPSI: We could create a distraction.
CODY: And then get arrested and interrogated when they realize we helped the aliens escape.
CHEYENNE: I hear the truck! Weve got to do something now!
PIPPSI: I got it! Give them each a trick or treat bag.
(Aliens each get a bag)
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/ / / ---SCOLDY: So its gone. If it ever was here to begin with. Dont you see, Mildew, we let ourselves succumb to mass hysteria.
MILDEW: Mass hysteria? Theres only two of us.
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/ / / ---PIPPSI: After two trick or treat bags of Skittles, Snickers and Tootsie Pops, what do you think?
MILDEW: (grinning) Theyll be back!
Come on. Ill show you how to hypnotize your whole class.
(Everyone except SCOLDY EXITS.)
KIDS: Cool!
SCOLDY: Sorry I said anything! The only truth out here is that lab rats get more respect than I do..
PIPPSI: (returning) Ill practice on Agent Scoldy. You are getting sleepy... sleepy...sleepy
(SCOLDY faints. PIPPSI hypnotizes audience.)
PIPPSI: You have never had a more thrilling theater experience...... You will tell all your friends to attend...... You will phone the newspapers and say that the adorable red head should win the Nobel prize in Drama....
(Other kids come out and drag PIPPSI off.)
You will throw dollar bills during the curtain call!!!!
CURTAIN CALL
