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Disclaimer: Itís at the end.

Authorís Notes: Theyíre at the end too.


the mean spleen

He looks around the room; the people arrayed around him a circle with him at the centre point. He doesnít sit a wheelchair this time, but in a revolving chair with a table attached. So no matter what person heís looking at, itís like heís behind a desk and very responsible looking.

He had Peter place him the device half an hour before the event was due to start. Peter happily obliged and once done, he sprinted from the room as if his very life depended on it, leaving Xavier to sit by himself until the people starting showing up which they did in dribs and drabs or for a couple, in one big group, all dressed identically but more on that later.

He had hoped never to have to return here. After the events of the last minute, which was with people he knew well, he felt that the situation was by and large, fairly hopeless. This was going to be even harder he figured as he was dealing with people he didnít know but were in a sense every bit as powerful as the mutants he was used to.

Satisfied that everyone was here, he cleared his throat in order to get peopleís attention. Slowly the distinctive groups gave him their attention.

"Good evening, Iím glad you could all make it. Well, it seems there was a little bit of an uproar after the last meeting that I held here that you may or may not be aware of."

Some of them shuffled, others listened patiently.

"During that meeting, both my colleagues and enemies respectively aired some grievances that they felt had occurred to them and upon their characters over the past year or so. Grievances that it seem to originate with you."

Some of the listeners seem a trifle miffed at this.

"Please, donít get annoyed. Weíre just meeting to see if we canít iron out some of the smaller issues. Some of the more, how shall I put this, stereotypical problems."

One of the listeners spoke, Cajun Quinn who was not really interesting in discussing anything other then:

"I thought someone said Remy was going to be here?"

From the other side of the room, Meg The Fierce Lady growled (itís a verb to suit the desired character)

"Yeah, and Logan."

Gecko croaked (not in the sense she died, but she spoke, look itís hard coming up with twenty different versions of said and croaked seem appropriate for someone whoís a fan of, oh never mind)

"Toad too."

Trah piped up from amongst a gaggle of girls.

"And Kurt."

PallaPlease added.

"Yeah, Kurt and Kitty together."

 The Kat Meows And The Steel Man Singeth (one person = two names, cool) added her two cents.

"No, Kitty and Peter."

Prism laughed.

"What? Are you seriously saying sheíd take Peter over Kurt?"

The Professor frowned; he hadnít expected to lose control for another 40 seconds at the earliest.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please calm down. I realise that some people were scheduled to appear but the truth of the matter is that you scared them away. Eric sent word that Toad has gone into hiding since this meeting was announced and wonít reappear until itís been over for two days."

A number of identically dressed girls slumped in disappointment in the corner. More on that later.

"The same is true of Remy, Kurt, Logan and the others. Itís only thanks to Loganís healing factor that he survived the last encounter with a number of his fans. I too, refused to come at first but then it occurred to me that I am safe as no one has the hots for me and Iím in none of the favoured relationships thrown around. Unless you (and he almost started laughing as he said this) count me and Eric as a partnership."

Then he couldnít contain it anymore and he did start laughing.

Little did he know, that somewhere among the listeners, someone was rubbing their hands together eagerly. The little thought of 'Eric and Charles eh?' swimming happily around in their heads.

His laughter coming to an end he pressed the button that made his seat/table combo revolve slowly.

"Sorry about that. All my years of training and that one still makes me laugh. Anyway I thought weíd start by-"

One of the writers stood up.

"Yer Ďol pal, the Bud here. Sorry to interrupt but Iíd just like to say that I think that we, by and large, have the characterís best interests at heart."

Wolverena commented.

"Unless itís Scott."

The Bud nodded:

"Well of course not Scott."

The whole room nodded in agreement. Except for the lunatic fringe or PETS (*Editor's note: PETS: People for the Ethical Treatment of Scott) as they were known. Charles couldnít help but feel sorry for the guy, on one side of the coin he was detested and on the other, well that was just plain frightening.

Silverine added.

"Or Jean."

The Bud nodded slowly in agreement.

"Or Jean"

Peregrine spoke up.

"Unless itís Jean with Scott."

The Bud agreed, sort of.

"Yeah thatís okay I guess, unless itís Jean being a total Mary Sue or not acknowledging Logan by staying with Scott."

He then decided it would be best for his health if he sat down, as he was marching towards very dangerous territory where being someoneís Bud would not gurentee survival.

Some people nodded. This was the holy grail of relation shippers, Charles figured. Logan and Jean, Jean and Logan. If they ever got married, what would they be introduced as, Mr and Mrs. Logan? Maybe Jean (being such a modern woman) would insist on Mr and Mrs Grey. Itís a mystery for another night.

The professor suddenly became interested. He couldnít help but ask.

"So youíd be willing to let Scott alone when heís with Jean and theyíre not shoving everyoneís nose in it or denying Logan his shot with Jean."

Valkyrie answered.

"Yeah, pretty much. Basically Scottís doomed, but Jean can hang in there if she stays on the sideline. Sheís can be used as a whole jealousy thing when itís one of the younger ones involved."

"Marie or Jubilee?"

Valkyrie continued.

"Marie, Jubilee or an author creation."

The professor countered.

"Well Logan was dissatisfied with that. He just wants to go drink, fight and look at strippers."

Meg The Fierce Lady swooned

"Heís just such a bad boy."

A number of others shared that same dreamy look.

"So would it be fair to say that youíre writing about that whole 'bad boy' thing though chances are youíll all end up with a nice boy, like Scott."

Chastity, a diehard Remyite stood up and spat.


The PETS Lunatic Fringe glared over at Chastity. She glared back. By and large she had the backing of the room and she knew it.

"Okay if we were to have pick one of the girls, which one?" the professor asked.

Answers came from all sides. Xavier was having trouble keeping up in his revolving chair.

GambitGirl immediately shouted out.


Chastity came next.


GambitGirl looked over at Chastity.

"Thatís what I said."

Natas chimed in.


Chastity countered immediately.

"No, Marie."

Someone from behind Xavier shouted, he didnít see as his chair was starting to smoke trying to keep up.

"No, Jubilee."

"Or perhaps Jubilee and me."

The room and story became silent and looked around to see who had said that.

"All right, who said that?"


"The story doesnít start again until someone owns up."

Still silence. Tumbleweed blows across the classroom.

Looks down at the overwhelming outnumbered males whoíve bothered to attend and are now looking very uncomfortable.

"I know it was one of you. I got my eye on you."

With the males suitably chastised we can continue.

"No, Marie."

Meg The Fierce Lady got a thoughtful look in her eye.

"But if Marie ends up with Logan, what happens to Remy and Marie?" Seeing GambitGirl glare at her, she added, "or Remy and Rogue depending on your point of view."

looked thoughtful. Logan and Marie were certainly tempting, but Remy and Marie was a close second to Logan and Jean in Holy Grail of relation shippers land.

"Okay I concede. Logan can have Jubilee."

A few folks cheered.

Enigma spoke up.

"So that means...Remy and Rogue."

A number of the girls behind her began jumping up and down.

"Gambit, Gambit," They chanted together.

It was the notorious Gambit Group, females devoted to the silver-tongued card shark. They all wore trench coats and carried around packs of cards. Just in case, you understand. Though the list of members was literally legion, they had sent only a few core members here tonight. GambitGirl, Gambitís Girl, Kelticdream, Chastity, RemysAngel, Wildcard, Enigma were all in attendance.

GambitGirl seemed to be the ringleader and spoke for them.

"We accept these terms, though we still have the right to write author creations with Remy as well."

The professor considered this. He wondered if there was enough Remy to go around? It was obvious that he is in very high demand among the fairer sex.

He looked down at the Gambit Group who were brandishing a lot of sharp implements and he prudently made decision fairly quickly. There had better be enough Gambit to go round. No more Sundays off for the Cajun dynamo.

"Okay. Youíre allowed author creations. In fact letís make that a unilateral decision. Any character can have a thing for an author created character."

Everyone seemed happy with this. He turned his group to the most uniquely attired group of the night. This being the ďMore on that laterĒ group. Though there was less of them then in the Gambit group, what they lacked in numbers they made up for in enthusiasm. Wearing similar coats to the Gambits Group, these folk also painted their faces green in homage to their favourite, Mortimer 'Toad' Toynbee.

He looked at them for a moment. This crowd he wouldnít figure out if he had a few years.

"I just...I really donít know where to start."

Gecko immediately spoke out, her voice full of passion.

"Well what is there to say about Toad? Heís just...heís just so adorable."

All the others nod their heads in agreement. The professor wasnít sure, but this could be a case of brainwashing. I mean it had to be, right?

"Toad has confessed to Eric that he isnít too sure what to make of all this attention. He was quite happy being a lackey."

Gecko answered again.

"But he has so much more to offer. Heís smart, fun and heís just so athletic."

When she mentioned the word athletic, Mariamus Prime goes weak and almost faints.

Gecko has to wave a 10x6 glossy of Toad (signed) in front of her to keep her cool. The professor gives her a moment.

"But the chances of romance for him are limited."

"Well we know that. We tried Mystique and Morty, but that Magneto thing was always hanging over their heads. So weíre quite happy to have him romancing and being romanced by author creations. In fact just having the lean green fighting machine in a story is enough for us."

Someone at the back whispers "I knew he was a mutant but not a teenage ninja turtle as well. Cool."

The story stops again. Pointing finger at the males.

Listen Mr I can be smart at the back, Shut it

Back to the story;

"So, by and large youíre just happy as long as no one kills Toad."

Big happy smiles gave him his answer. He can only shake his head. If only he could inspire that kind of devotion.

"Well the last matter before us tonight is this." He almost hesitated about bringing this up.

Regaining his courage, he reaches under his table and retrieves a small dark blue doll shaped not unlike one Kurt Wagner.


A group of girls screamed. Nightcrawlerísgurl has to be restrained by the others from rushing forward and grabbing it out of the Professorís obviously unworthy hands. Once they got her seated again they held hands, and giggled uncontrollably, each of them taking out an identical doll and began holding them close, group of Kurt fans with a group of little Kurt dolls.

"Kurt indeed. I donít know where these things came from but you canít turn around now and not see another of the little Kurts nestled on a couch somewhere. Itís getting a little unsettling."

Bandit (the alleged creator of the Kurt doll.) spoke up. She held a doll slightly different from the others. It had a little gold crown on its head.

"But just look at him. Heís just so cute."

She held up the doll for the others to see.

Words cannot properly convey the image here, so try to imagine Elmira (I think thatís her name) from Animaniacs. Sheís the 'Iím gonna love ya, and squeeze ya and hug ya' girl. Well thatís how this crowd are with the Kurt dolls.

The professor isnít impressed.

"Well so is Toad according to them."

The Toad group immediately huddled up to discuss Darth Rageís plan to implement the construction of a cutesy Toad doll.

"Why, you donít think heís cute?" she asked, faintly threatening.

"I guess." The professor answered, faintly threatened. "So what do you want from stories?"

"Him being happy," she answered giving the little doll another squeeze to reassure herself.

"And what would that entail?"

She looked back at the rest who all held up their dolls in a show of support. She handed the crowned doll to PallaPlease who stood up and spoke as Bandit sat down. The crowned doll indicated who could speak, Charles guessed, kind of a Lord of the Flies type thing.

"We guess, Kurt and Kitty ending up together."

The Kat Meows And The Steel Man Singeth stands up,

"No, sheís supposed to be with Peter."

"He had his chance." Prism answers calmly, though she didnít hold the crowned doll. She looked at the others and covered her mouth.

"Whoops, sorry."

"But he still loves her, he really does."

"Itís too late for him." Nightcrawlersígurl answers, out of turn, the crowned Kurt losing its power every second it seemed. Lord of the Flies indeed.

The group stand and hold their dolls up and start homing in .

The Kat Meows And The Steel Man Singeth suddenly gets the impression that she may go *BAMF* and so she sits down. She knows sheíll get her chance.

The professor has to rub his temples.

"Give me megalomaniacs any day." He thinks privately to himself.

RemysAngel regards the Kurt crowd with a little scepticism.

"Kurtís cute, but heís no Remy."

Bandit finds herself slightly torn.

"Well, yes, but no..."

Trah is obviously shocked by Banditís wavering loyalty.

"The doll, Bandit, the doll."

Squeezing her doll, Bandit regains her composure.

"She needs a doll." GambitGirl laughs as she subconsciously rubs the pack of cards in her hand.

"Good one trench coat girl." Peregrine responds angrily.

"Oh dear" Xavier thought to himself. Well they were civil for a while but you canít have too many creative people in the room at the same time or theyíll inevitably start arguing. It was Newtonís unheard of 4th law. The number of creative people in a room is proportional to the amount of insulting done. Thereís a mathematical proof for it and everything.

He decided to at least get the fighting out on to the street. There was no point trying to explain how a room got destroyed by a group of writers to the school board.

"Ladies, I think weíve done all we can for tonight. For the time being every story letís agree that every story written will have to follow this plotline."

The Ideal X-Men Story.

"Logan has a brief fling with Jean before they mutually decided that they want other things. She goes to Scott and the two of them move out to a farm someplace where they can be perfect in private. Logan meanwhile kicks some ass, has a fling with an author creation who dies tragically, acts weepy for a while and is consoled by one of the girls whom he then settles down with, preferably Jubilee so that Marie can move in with Remy who may or may not have had a relationship with an author creation (who will die tragically) prior to having the one girl whom he canít touch (thus proving heís really a nice guy) until Hank, who is everyoneís best friend but never gets the girl, creates a device that allows them to touch. Meanwhile, Kitty and Peter break up. He disappears and becomes a renowned artist and she moves in with Kurt who throws the priest ambitions in the bin so he can market dolls of himself. Toad has by this time found a deep meaningful romance with an author creation while Eric and Mystique never consummate something constantly hinted at because of another thing constantly hinted at which is him and me, though I have moved in with Storm whoís had a torrid affair with any X-Men not mentioned above except Bobby who despite being a joker never gets the girl either. That about right?"

"Well, everything but the bit about you and Storm." The author replies.


The End

Disclaimer. All the X-Men stuff belong to Marvel and all the authors, well they belong to themselves, their parents, their pets or whoever claims responsibility for them. If no one does, weíll hold an auction and sell them off.

Authorís notes: This was written a good while ago as a companion piece for the ďI Head Talking HelpsĒ thing. At the time, I had generic people in it instead of genuine authors but I didnít think it worked so I shelved it and played games instead. I read (as most of you no doubt did) brilliant Banditís ode stories and saw possibilities there. I decided to hold it back because it appeared Iíd be ripping off her idea, which I suppose I would be. Iíve been in touch her for a while now and sheís totally cool about it, even helped me put faces to sentences, so thatís that problem out of the way. Bandit, I hold you in the same esteem as the land/oil/train baron.

The next thing is that unlike her, I really donít know any of the people who I stuck in the story. In fact she, The Kat Meows, and The Bud are the only people Iíve been in contact with outside the context of a review so I hope that none of you will be offended by the liberties Iíve taken with your creations or yourselves for that matter. Iíve updated it a little to fit better with the themes of the day ie the emergence of the Kurt doll but by and large itís pretty much the same as it was. Itís meant to be funny and in no one insulting but I bet that like myself, most of you are guilty of, (at one stage or another) writing something very close to Xavierís Ideal X-Men Story. Frightening isnít it. Anyway, I hope you like it and see it for what it is, fun. Keep it frosty. Cheers.