How Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Violates the Terms of Web Hosting Agreements

 

            By now, you have seen some of the terms and conditions of web site hosts and how they threaten to delete your site without warning or opportunity to remove whatever content they deem offensive.  I can understand that for the free services, such as Geocities, Zero Catch, Angelfire, and others.  But for the paid upgrades to these hosts, and for many of the paid hosting services, even some of the “adult” content hosting services, we see terms and conditions that include sudden and without warning deletion of sites that were PAID, on the whim of the hosting service.

            Just because it’s in the contract does not mean that such would protect the host from legal liability if there was no refund to the webmaster or opportunity to defend or remove any allegedly offensive content.

            I can understand it if you’re using your site to launch spam, or hacking attacks, or violating copyrights with certain types of file-sharing software.  Still, if these terms and conditions are BROADLY applied, most web sites would quickly disappear from the Internet.

 

            An example:  Any discussion by a Bible reading group of Judges chapter 4.  Here we have Jael, wife of Heber, who took a nail of the tent, and took a hammer in her hand, and smote the nail into the temples of the tyrant Sisera.  This violates the terms and conditions about describing and advocating violence.  Not only that, disrespect for the authority of government, how dare we characterize Sisera as a tyrant!  Then we make Jael into some kind of hero for murdering a government official, who was only doing his job!  She planned the murder, acting with malice aforethought, duringthought, and afterthought.  Not only that, we describe to the reader how to commit an act of violence:  Sneak into the victim’s tent while he sleeps, pick up a sharp object, a tent spike, and with hammer in hand, drive the spike through the head of the victim.  GHASTLY!

            Indeed, such description and advocacy of the deliberate and planned murder of a government official implies a threat against the life of every government official.  Such a threat to law and order and respect for the authority of government cannot be tolerated!  Certainly, any self-respecting web hosting service should immediately delete any web site that discusses or even mentions Judges chapter 4.  It offends their own policies as to what content is permissible to the Internet community.

 

            Other examples include the Dudley Do-right cartoons.  They offend the hate speech clause of the hosting agreements.  They are derogatory to Canadians and to police officers, exposing both to embarrassment and ridicule.  In addition to offending the anti-violence clauses, they offend the adult content clauses.  Snidely Whiplash is always kidnapping Nell Fenwick and wanting to impose a “fate worse than death” upon her.  And when she refuses that, he decides upon death after all.  But instead of just killing her, the evil Mr. Whiplash ties her to a railroad track in such a way that should a train come along it will cut off her head and her feet.  Or he ties her to a log in a saw mill and sends her down the conveyor belt to the giant circular saw for separation into her component parts.

            That is so BDSM.

            On a children’s show at that!

            But there’s more!  Dudley finally arrives at the scene, in the nick of time, (while Snidely and Nell look at their watches with impatience), foils Snidely’s evil plans, and frees Nell from the railroad track or the log in the sawmill.  What does Nell do?  She pets Dudley’s horse, paying Dudley no attention.

            What’s going on?

            Well for starters, Nell was raised by a cop, Inspector Fenwick.  She knows what that’s like.  Why would she want to marry one?

            But the dirty little secret is that Nell doesn’t mind being tied to the log in the sawmill or to the railroad track.  Say what you will about Snidely Whiplash, he knows how to show a girl a good time!

 

            Then there is any discussion of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  I, of course, do not intend to violate any copyright of Walt Disney Corporation or the Brothers Grimm.  The Grimms collected the Snow White story from old German folktales, so perhaps there is no copyright to violate.  Even the Grimms and the Disney folks would not be permitted to post this story on the Net with Angelfire, Zero Catch, or Geocities, given their policies as to what is prohibited content.  They would have to use a dedicated server of their own.  Any discussion of Snow White or the story itself, will obviously violate the terms of any common web hosting agreement: at least two planned murder attempts, the second apparently successful, ridicule of a government official by portraying her as insane, vane, and power mad, BDSM, and a prince who has a thing for kissing dead bodies!

            Here is a retelling of that story to further illustrate my point:

 

            The Queen, she has issues.  I’m not kidding.  She goes into her room and talks to this mirror.  And the mirror talks back!  This is WITHOUT illegal drugs!  This woman is so nuts that a hit of crack cocaine would IMPROVE her!

            She goes to this mirror and asks, “Who is the fairest in the land?”  That is like your girlfriend or wife asking you if those pants make her look fat.  The mirror is not stupid.  So he says, “You are the fairest in the land,” which is the correct answer whether it is true or not.

            But the mirror got tired of the same thing every day, and he wigged out.  Can’t blame him, really.  So he goes and says, “Snow White is the fairest in the land.”

            What the Hell did Snow White do to deserve that?  Nothing really, but the mirror got fed up and hit the Queen with a smart ass answer!

            The Queen lost it.

            That mirror is lucky he’s not in a million pieces.

 

            “Snow,” announced the huntsman, “you can’t go back to town.”

            “Why not?”

            “The bitch is nuts.”

            “I know, but she is Queen.”

            “It’s that stupid mirror!  It told her you are the fairest in the land!”

            “Oh shit!  We joined the World Trade Organization because that mirror told her we should!  It even told her we should use the Metric System!  That damn mirror!  I’ll try to talk to her.”

            “NO!  I’m telling you the bitch is nuts!  You show your face in town ALIVE, you will kill ME!”

            “You were ordered to . . .”

            “And to bring her your heart in this box.  I’m telling you the bitch is nuts!  Off the deep end and out of her gourd!  Look, you know that plastic shredder Saddam Hussein used?  She picked it up on e-bay cheap.”

            “Ohmigod!  What will you do?”

            “I’ll think of something.  No point in putting some animal heart in this box, they’ll take it to the lab and that will be that.”

 

            Snow went off into the Black Forest, unable to return to town.  She looked for a place to lay low until the heat was off.  Fortunately Germany is not a complete wilderness, and after walking for miles, excuse me, kilometers, the mirror, you know, she came upon a dilapidated house.  A real Beverly Hillbillies kind of place, before they found the oil.  The door was wide open and inside was a total mess.

            What was she gonna do?  Call the police?  The building inspector?

            No, but walking away to find another place would have been a good idea.

            Instead, she proceeds to clean up the place.  What’s THAT all about?

 

            That evening, the Dwarves came home.  Now you have to admit, Snow has talent.  Raw and undeveloped talent, and a bit naïve, what was she, 16?  14, perhaps?  But talent nonetheless.  As soon as the Dwarves arrive, she’s telling them that they need to wash up for dinner.  She has ‘em scrubbing and cleaning and showering and bathing, for perhaps the first time in weeks!  Instead of yelling, “Who the Hell are you and what the Hell are you doing in our house?!” they go for it.

            Even Grumpy, the only one who seems to have any such common sense, is taken in by her feminine dominatrix spell!

            Sometimes a lady don’t need a whip or a black leather dress.  Just her charm and a take charge attitude.

            Snow took over the house, keeping it clean while the Dwarves went off to work in their mine during the day.

 

            Snow had a good thing going, she did.

 

            Still, she would sing “Some day my prince will come, not too quickly I hope!”  Well, it’s easy for you to say that size doesn’t matter, you’re not living with a bunch of three foot men with three inch you-know-whats!

            Snow been seen over on the other side of the forest with them other dwarves.  Dirty, Rotten, Mean, and Nasty.  And of course, Rude, Crude, and Socially Unacceptable.

            Dopey introduced her to them.  It figures.  He don’t talk much, but then with 4 1/2 inches, he don’t have to.  Why do you think he has that silly grin on his face all the time?  Well, that and the room in the back of the house with all of the grow lamps and everything.  They use locally generated electricity to avoid tell tale billing statements from the light company that can generate them annoying search warrants.  A little engine Rotten got from Rudolf Diesel.  That little engine could!  The forest canopy is excellent to avoid satellite images of all of that infrared light coming off the heat of those grow lamps!  Dopey trades some of his magic weed and a few gemstones from the mine for his growing equipment, supplied by Mean and Nasty.  Ol’ Mean even had some thermometers from Dr. Fahrenheit.

            And they do like to party!

 

            But these are not nice people, these dwarves from the other side of the forest.  And not as careful as you would like them to be.

            Socially Unacceptable got himself into trouble with the Queen.

            Oh, you didn’t hear about that!

            You see, the Queen likes to go out in disguise.  And sometimes, she likes to participate in the undercover sting operations herself.  The regular cops don’t like it one bit, but she’s Queen, what can you do?  Rude and Crude were completely fooled by the nasty old lady disguise.  They introduced her to Socially Unacceptable.  While the nasty old lady went in to do business with Socially Unacceptable, Rude and Crude went out to do lookout duty.

            Lookout, all right.  They looked out for some pretty elf girls working the forest trails.  Sure enough, Rude and Crude were renting a room in the treehouse at hourly rates for themselves and a couple of elf ladies dressed to attract attention.

            The Queen, in disguise, asked Socially Unacceptable if he had something, that when coated on to an apple, could render any person eating the apple totally catatonic.  “I have just the thing.  Got it from Haiti, it is what the voodoo women use to make zombies.  I call it the Coma Maker.  It relaxes every muscle so completely everyone is convinced the person is dead.  No breathing, no heartbeat, no nutton.  And if you wait long enough, the person is dead.  But if you want a zombie, a slave who will do your bidding, then after about 24 hours, you give her some of this.  It will revive her, but not too lively, she will do whatever you ask and nothing else.  I call it these two drugs used in combination the Zombie Combie.  And the neat thing about the Coma Maker is that it makes the apple look particularly delicious.”

            The disguised Queen handed Socially Unacceptable the money, he handed her the drugs, and the cops burst in and placed him under arrest!

 

            Socially Unacceptable was brought in chains before the Queen, now out of disguise and in all her terrible beauty, and presented with Saddam Hussein’s plastic shredder.  “That terrible smell is from the remains of the huntsman I ordered to take Snow White to the forest and kill her.  He didn’t do it, and we caught him trying to sneak across the river to Luxembourg.  We shall demonstrate how this machine works.”

            The machine was turned on and a plastic chair was thrown in.  All kinds of terrible sounds came out of the machine.  Into a large empty vat was deposited the output, little shredded pieces of the plastic that was the chair.  To demonstrate the effect of the machine on meat, a large pig, already dead fortunately, the Queen did not believe in cruelty to animals, just in cruelty to humans and dwarves, was brought and deposited into the machine.

            “As you can observe, the blades work slowly upon one part of the animal and eventually get to the other part of the animal.  We put you in feet first, we get to hear your screams as your legs are slowly chewed up before gravity finally feeds your torso into the blades.  They usually stop screaming then.  But sometimes not before the blades get to the diaphragm and the heart.”

            The Queen drew close to Socially Unacceptable and put her arm around his shoulders.  She had to crouch to do it, he was a dwarf.  “Now you have adamantly insisted that you know nothing about the whereabouts of Snow White.  And I believe you.  I myself poured the salty water into the welts on your back and into the wounds left after your fingernails and toenails were pulled out.  You must not know where she is.  It’s too bad, really.  If you do not and are not able to tell me where she is, we will just have to put you into this plastic shredder next.”

 

            The Queen in disguise visited Snow while the Dwarves were at the mine.  Now, I don’t understand this.  I mean, would you buy a used apple from this woman?  Snow ate the apple and went into a coma.  The Queen did not want Snow as a zombie slave, so she left her to die, with all of her muscles completely relaxed.  The Dwarves put her on display in a glass case, like Vladimir Lenin.  And right in front of the Dwarves, the Prince kissed what they all thought was a dead body!

            Sure they all lived happily ever after.  With a creepy prince who kisses dead people.  He turned out to be Vlad the Impaler, but that is a whole ‘nuther story.  A knight of the Order of the Dragon they say, Dracula in their language.  Oh yeah, skin white as snow!  You should see how they react when you wave a cross in front of their faces!

 

            Anyway, we cannot publish this on the Web, as it would violate all of the web hosting agreements.  A Grimm fairy tale indeed.

 

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