The
Queen Got Recalled
Ever since the Queen announced that
the budget deficit was far worse than previously believed, her popularity
ratings fell through the floor. The
Kingdom had been racked by the worst economy in recent memory, adding to the
shortfall in revenues.
The recession had been devastating
to the people. Grumpy, the spokesman for
the Seven Dwarves Mineral Extraction Corporation told the press: “We had to shut down the mine. We cannot compete with cheap imported
gemstones flooding the country. The
taxes, the red tape, and the environmental regulations, and of course we have
to pay our miners living wages. Mines
overseas don’t have to pay such costs and with free trade, we cannot
compete.” When asked about how the laid off miners were faring, Grumpy continued, “They’re not
doing so well. You see, these were a
bunch of guys who sang ‘Hi ho, it’s off to work we go!’ every morning. I mean, mining is hard work and all, and I
can see how it is that many people would not want to do it. But some of us love doing that kind of
work. We had to send Bashful to
rehab. I mean, when he gets to drinking,
well, he’s not bashful anymore. We had
to bail him out of jail a few times. And
Doc, well, he’s been taking his own pills, feeling less pain than Rush
Limbaugh.”
Things got even worse for the Queen
when the government announced a $20 million settlement of the lawsuit brought
by Socially Unacceptable for injuries he sustained while in police
custody. He would not comment publicly
but his attorney,
“That’s easy for him to say!”
grumbled Ebony Black. “What about us
taxpayers? The cops should be the ones
to pay that settlement. Besides,
Socially Unacceptable was dealing drugs.
He deserved everything he got.
Well, except the $20 million. The
Queen has not been a good stewardess of our tax money.”
Meanwhile, at the Quake and Doom
Internet Café on Princess Street, a young man who would only give his name as
Error 404 said, “Oh yeah, and the Queen tried to have Snow White killed. No one’s seen the Huntsman since. He was made to disappear, to keep him from
talking.” But so far, the government has
been successful in discrediting this conspiracy theory as grassy knollism. People
give it as much credence as they do the proposition that the Roswell Wreck was
an alien spacecraft.
Nevertheless, wealthy businessman
Better Mousetrap collected enough signatures to put the recall of the Queen on
the ballot. Mr. Mousetrap thought he was
going to sail on into the Palace himself.
But then Prince Charming announced he was running for King. And then hundreds of other subjects of the
realm put their names on the ballot.
There was Candy Apple Red, star of
many a film one needs to be over 18 to see.
Duggie Spunkmeyer,
former child star. Major Disaster,
commanding officer of the Palace Guard put up quite a race, at one time leading
in the polls. And of course, Walter
Sleazebag, who publishes a magazine sold only to those over 18. He was trying to get Candy Apple Red to
agree to appear in a future issue.
But after the debates, Prince
Charming surged into the lead, Major Disaster faded, Better Mousetrap dropped
out, and the Queen faced certain ouster.
The Prince, not to be confused with The Artist Formerly Known as Prince,
had the charisma, the star quality, and the beautiful raven haired Snow White
as wife to hold the lead. They went on a whirlwind bus tour.
Meanwhile, Error 404 continued to
spread rumors.
Coming into the last week of the
race the Village Gazette broke the story that Prince Charming, leading by a
huge margin in the polls, had many times been accused of and seen kissing and
fondling dead people. He admitted that
he behaved badly on some occasions, but nevertheless has nothing but the
greatest respect for the dead. In
response to the rumor that he kissed Snow White when she was comatose, Snow
declared, “Hey! I’m not dead now. So obviously I was not dead then. It was a nice kiss. I married him! I have never seen him kiss or fondle dead
people, he would never do that!”
Suck their blood?
“No!!!”
Prince Charming said all of that was just
last minute mudslinging by a desperate Queen.
After all, he can walk around in daylight and he does not flinch in the
presence of crosses.
“Well of course he can walk in
daylight.” confirmed Error 404. “He puts
on makeup all over his skin, you know, and Sun Block 3000, so the daylight does
not bother him. While at public funerals
he is the perfect gentleman, it is an open secret that morticians and funeral
directors keep him well away from the bodies. And of course, blood banks lock their doors
when he is around. If you catch him by
surprise with the cross, you can freak him out.”
It came out that Error 404 has a
long criminal record, so naturally his credibility suffers. The public dismissed the rumors as late
campaign mudslinging and Prince Charming sailed on to victory.
If the back button does not get you there, click Home for the index page to the Neanderthal Return Website.
