Governor
Schwarzenegger Announces the New
Good evening. As your Governor I am proud to announce the
new Model T-1000 California Highway Patrolman, a revolutionary new concept in
law enforcement. It is made of enigmatic
liquid metal alloy. We hope to have
Model T-1000’s in use by the Police Departments of
However, the Sheriffs of Del Norte,
Humboldt, Marin, and Imperial Counties are refusing to consider Model T-1000’s
because they think the concept is too weird.
But after they see the Model T-1000 in action, I am certain they will
change their minds.
The Model T-1000 is programmed to
apprehend a suspect who resists arrest and flees with a single mindedness like
you wouldn’t fucking believe. Nothing
will stop him, nothing will deter him, he will pursue
his suspect until he has him in custody.
However, he is programmed to avoid killing the suspect no matter
what. This is a big advantage over human
officers. You see, when you shoot a
human officer, even with a measly little .22 caliber bullet, it causes great
injury, pain, and even death. They don’t
like that. So human officers are trained
that when they see a person raise anything that even looks like a weapon toward
them, even if it s a TV remote control, even if it’s a seven year old child, to
draw their own revolvers faster than Wyatt Earp and
blast away.
The Model T-1000 will not do
that. The Model T-1000 is programmed to
not be too concerned with its own demise.
When you shoot one, all that happens is that the crater in its liquid
metal alloy body just heals up in a few seconds. We have tested the Model T-1000 with rifles,
shotguns, Molotov cocktails, rocket propelled grenades, artillery shells,
liquid nitrogen, and Palestinian suicide bombers. In every test, even when he is splattered all
over the place, the Model T-1000 nonchalantly pulls himself together and
resumes pursuing the suspect, feeling less pain than Rush Limbaugh on five
times the recommended daily dose of Oxy-Contin. About the only way to destroy the Model
T-1000 is to drop him into a vat of molten steel, something the average fleeing
suspect does not have readily available to use.
The Model T-1000 does not need to
drink, eat, breathe, or sleep. He can be
on duty 24 hours a day seven days a week.
The Model T-1000 will allow California, its counties, and municipalities
to provide quality law enforcement services at considerably less cost to the
taxpayers, he will not need to be paid nor will he need benefits for himself and
for his family. We will need to deploy
Model T-1000’s to deal with the human cops who become angry at being laid off
and rendered destitute and unable to pay their child support obligations as
well as with those citizens pissed off at their jobs being shipped overseas for
cheap labor while we politicians do absolutely nothing to protect their jobs
and income.
After all, Gray Davis did absolutely
nothing to protect people’s jobs and income, here I am.
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