It sounds a little odd but I learned some things about myself in producing this paper thin shell of a web page your reading, this train of thought was brought on by an as yet unnamed friend, the one mentioned on the front page, it all started when I was discussing (looking back I think I was whining like a little girl with a skinned knee) about how posting personal thoughts of mine would be letting people I know in on alot of personal stuff about me and how I wasn’t really comfortable with that. And he told me (with a lot more tact that this) quit bitching about yourself, grow some nuts and fuck the people who don’t like it. It made me realize how stuck on pleasing other people I have been, how much I still am, I’ve said for a long time that I didn’t care what other people thought about me, but I realize that I want everyone to like me, and I feel wrong if people don’t, maybe I have a screw loose or something to that effect, but I’m constantly doubting myself, like what will people think about what I’m doing, is anyone watching while I light this cigarette, am I doing it in a normal way. Why am I like this, I look back at this ramble and I wonder if I wrote in a normal method, will other people have an easy time reading this, will they make it this far without getting bored and quickly hitting the back button repeatedly. I shouldn’t think like this - I’m not a kid anymore, I need to put childish thoughts behind me. But that’s easier to say than it is to do. Damn this is tough - I don’t know how to change in this manner, I can’t just decide not to care, this has to be a gradual thing, but where do I begin, it’s like posture, I slouch, a lot, and I try to stop but when I don’t think about it I’m hunched over again, it’s probably the same concept here. And for as much as my mind races from one thing to another while I’m walking around I can’t be bothered with posture or changing my way of thinking, this may be just another day long project that gets put on the back burner and ends up smouldering into the forgoten past, I always start out with noble intentions and quickly say fuck it and return to the ways of old. It's nothing I'm proud of it's just something I've accepted about myself, I think the world would be a better place if everyone would accept their flaws and stop with this incesant strive for self-improvement. You are who you are, you will never be perfect, you will never be the image of yourself you have when you dream a really great dream. I wish we could, I wish we could all be the actor, writer, pro athlete of our dreams, but most of us won't and the select few that will live out their dreams don't seem to be content, we have pro athletes that actually go on strike becasue they can't live off the 20 million dollar contract they sighned. Is this what happens to the little kid that carried around a basketball wherever he went?? Said he would play pro for free? Humans don't ever seem to be content, the grass is always greener on the other side, one of the most true to life sayings ever, I wish I knew who said it first. And to conclude, don't you hate when you write yourself in to a corner and can't think of a good point to end with????
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