Picturesque XXIX
Written: 2/5/02I am entering a depression; at least, I think I am. I am noticing a considerable difference in my present mood than how I felt overall just a few weeks ago. Perhaps I am merely getting my period; whatever the case, now is such a prime time to be easily depressed.
So many “bad” things have occurred in so short a time that I think I have given up on some things, mainly because I have no time to vent my troubles to my online friends; who in his or her right mind would confide in their younger brother? My mother usually does not return from work until five PM, and than she takes care of local work, like bills and dinners; I am not ungrateful about such, but I remember that she is the one who has limited my time online.
And yet when I finally do log online, everyone else has just as many problems as I seem to, so while everyone tells me about their problems I must keep silent.
I wish to return to a time when I was not depressed. I wish to return to Junior Year, or better yet, that year’s Summer Vacation. I was actually happy then; now I a not. Happiness has become such a short-lived, fleeting emotion that I am beginning to lose faith in its potency. And the problems keep piling onto me: Creative Writing now has an additional student, one I despise and vice-versa. I can only hope and pray this person has changed, or, if not, that his presence will not affect me further; as I have said many times before, my mother has limited my tine online, and my Physiology teacher has changed his grading system mid-semester; CSUN still has yet to notify me as to whether or not I have been accepted or rejected. I do cannot understand why this college cannot organize itself efficiently enough in order to assuage my fear of rejection. Why must I pick up the flailing strands?
If what I enjoy is beginning to lose its shine, is there anything I can look forward to?
