Picturesque XXV
Occurred: 1/28/02
Written: 1/29/02I finally understand, understand why I hold my Internet friends so near and dear to my heart, whereas my school and social friends are, mostly, anything but. I do not have the emotional or mental and physical resources available to me to keep up a long-lasting friendship. I have failed in doing this many times, I see now, so I must have subconsciously given up on the humanity I knew at home and concentrated on the friendships I was beginning to make three years ago, online, at GFW.
I have found that I must have some sort of fear of rejection as well. Case in point: of all the “good/best” friends I had in elementary and middle school, I still speak with none. My first best friend his behind the new friends she garnered after we were split apart in the third grade; she went to one teacher, and I another. Remember the humane monster I spoke of before? I find that as Exhibit B. Case 3: Once I left my junior high group I rejoined the mainly male group the girls broke from. I was happy, for the most part, but after a few social gatherings where some drink’s existence was hinted at I knew I would not want to be near them much longer. I broke from them, bringing five other friends with me. One left the following year, being a senior. Another, incidentally my ex-boyfriend, left soon after, for reasons I could only attempt to comprehend. The last two left later on, leaving me alone.
Oddly enough, I was not too upset about this. In fact, I think I enjoyed the solitude more than being together; I found that I had more time to read my books. And yet, I was flattered when the last two friends who had left returned to me and brought me to their new group. Now that was a fun place to be.
And then I met Josh. To make a long story short, I now consider him my brother. It is him I hang out with now. Josh, “Cat,” Roman, and Josh’s true sister, Rachel, are people whom I consider my true friends. Our little group has grown larger, but I keep to the core, because I do not think of these new additions as my friends.
So, is it of any surprise that I became more attuned to the social outlet of the Internet? Since the eighth grade my friendships have become increasingly temporary. Since the eighth grade, of all the Internet friends I have made, I have kept every single one.
And yet, oddly enough, I enjoy the company of many people at school, but that’s it; at school. I am never called, despite swapping phone numbers and flirting with the best of them. The ‘fear’ of rejection is a reality for me, or so it seems. The offline social world does not seem to need me, so I have grown accustomed to not needing it. This way, I no longer have any fear of rejection because I know I have already failed. I fight an uphill, losing battle, so I simply cut down on the casualties of war.
I admit, I am not all that appealing to look upon, but I was hoping that would not matter. Ah well, at least it does not matter online.
So, it makes much more sense. But am I going to take the steps necessary to mitigate this? Am I going to relay this to my mother? I cannot say yet. It took me years to come to this epiphany; God only knows how long it will take me to find a way to help myself --- if I need help.
