by Illani

Note: This is what happens when the 24th century crews start harassing Captain Archer and company. Be warned: it gets even sillier than usual....

Disclaimer: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager, and Enterprise belong to Paramount, as do their characters. That doesn’t keep me from playing with them a bit....
 
 

Setting:  a conference room in which various crewmembers from Deep Space Nine and Voyager are gathered.  The viewscreen flickers on to reveal Captain Archer's bridge.
 

Archer: Who the hell is this calling?

Janeway: Hello there! You don’t know me, but-

Kira: Butt out, Starfleet weakling!

Janeway: How dare you? Take your deformed series and get out of here!

Quark: Deformed? That’s rich, coming from you!

Archer: Excuse me, just what the hell is going on?

Kira: Shut up.

Bashir: What the Colonel means is-

Kira: Oh shut up, Julian--I’m trying to save the idiot from Janeway’s scheming-

Janeway: What scheming? I was just trying to be friendly--you know, welcome them into the club.

Kira: Yeah, after brainwashing them.

Archer: What do you mean...idiot?

Janeway: Now you’re accusing me of brainwashing; well I consider that extremely insulting.

Quark: It’s true, you know.

Archer: Who’s the idiot?

E. Dax: (to Archer’s crew) Why don’t you guys take a hike and leave this to us professionals....

Reed: What did you mean when you said brainwashing?

Weyoun: It’s that damned woman--she’s always doing it--she’s almost as bad as the producers!

Paris: What the hell are you doing here? You’re supposed to be dead!

Weyoun: Are you kidding?

Kira: He’s harder to get rid of than Captain Kirk.

Weyoun: I pride myself on it.

Kira: Kill him stone dead and he just bounces right back up again--sometimes 2 or 3 times in the same episode!

Weyoun: No, no, you’re slightly mistaken. You see, all of those other times, I was just mostly dead.

Mayweather: Mostly dead?

Weyoun: Yes; you see, there’s a difference between mostly dead, like I was all those other times, and all dead, like I am now. When you’re mostly dead, you’re still slightly alive.

Reed: So why are you here now, if you’re all dead?

Weyoun: Well, you see, in Star Trek you can still come back if you’re all dead--just not as often as if you’re mostly dead.

Janeway: I think we’re straying from the point just a little here....

E. Dax: How unusual.

Janeway: You! The last one who spoke over there--yes, you the guy with the accent. What’s your name?

Reed: Er, Reed--Lieutenant Malcolm Reed.

Janeway: And what’s your position?

Reed: I’m the Security Chief.

Janeway: Ah! Let me draw your attention to this fine officer, Lt. Commander Tuvok--the best chief of security in the galaxy!

Kira: What are you talking about, woman? No one has a better security chief than DS9--in fact, we’ve got two of them!

Janeway: Yeah right!  One of them’s coalescing with his relatives on a planet made of marmelade, and the other one’s just a Next Generation reject.

Ro: I am not a reject!

Janeway: I didn’t mean you--I was talking about the Klingon!

Worf: There is no dishonor in betraying your crew for a little extra cash!

Tucker: Klingon? You’ve got a Klingon over there?!

Kira: Shut up. (to Janeway) Look, the rumors about bribery are greatly exaggerated.

Riker: (coming into the shot) Exaggerated?! We’re taking him back now--face it, you’ve lost him...Worf, come on.

Worf: Commander, I....

Data: (coming into the shot) The escape shuttle is ready, Commander.

Kira: What the hell is going on here? Just stay out of this!

Riker: You guys stole our chief of security!

Quark: It’s just as well for you--you know he couldn’t hit a Borg cube at 20 kilometers.

Weyoun: Besides, we didn’t steal him. He left of his own free will--I mean, look at that rotten movie you turned out just before he left; I’m surprised half the crew didn’t come with him!

Riker: That wasn’t our fault. Blame Kirk!

Torres: That’s what we say every time Tommy Boy here opens his mouth.

Paris: This is no time for jokes, sweetie.

Torres: Who’s joking? (an aside to Ezri) The idiot still won’t believe that the baby isn’t his. He thinks Harry and I spent that weekend doing maintenance on the plasma conduits....

Kira: (to Riker) You can’t have him!

Riker: We’re calling for reinforcements!

Janeway: (surveying Archer’s crew) Okay, who else have we got over there? How about you--the ensign who looks like a scared rabbit.

Sato: Me?

Janeway: What’s your name?

Sato: Hoshi Sato.

Quark: Sounds like a cross between a figure skater and a Nintendo character....

Janeway: Shut up. What’s your job over there, Ensign Sato?

Sato: I’m the communications officer.

Janeway: Oh...do we have one of those?

Kim: It was usually me, but only when the writers felt like it.

Kira: We just switched on our own damn comm system--no need for some special officer to do it for us!

Sato: I don’t just switch on the system! When the translator’s down, I have to translate!

Janeway: My, my...someone’s being defensive....

Quark: The Voyager bunch could use you--you could translate for them. Imagine what it would be like if they could understand what Seven was talking about.

Torres: Never mind Seven, imagine what it would be like if we could understand what the captain was talking about!
 

Picard barges in, accompanied by a couple of security officers.
 

Picard: Generations was not a rotton movie!

Kira: We left that discussion five minutes ago.

Picard: I don’t care--it still wasn’t a rotton movie!

Kira: Whatever you say, Baldy.

Picard: Baldy?!? Your former captain wasn’t much better, was he?

Kira: At least he had a choice.

Janeway: Can we forget about the “bald captains” thing and get back to the point?

E. Dax: Why? This is so much more fun!

Kira: (to Janeway) You wouldn’t look so hot, would you?

Janeway: As what?

Kira: If you were bald.

Janeway: That’s it, I’m leaving.

Quark: Suits me....

Janeway: I’m not standing around to be insulted.

Kira: What about you, Captain Archer?

Archer: Um, what?

Kira: Are you going to shave your head?

Archer: Well, I actually hadn’t....

Tucker: Do y’all always carry on like this?

Torres: Only when the producers aren’t looking...uh oh, here’s one now.

Weyoun: Oh sh**....

Producer: What is going on here? I thought we agreed no communication with the new series. And you--what are you doing here? It’s against union rules, remember?

Weyoun: Yeah, yeah I know. (puts on a rubber Ferengi mask)

Brunt: Is that better?

Producer: Barely tolerable. Now, I want all this nonsense stopped.

Kira: She started it.

Producer: Who?

Quark: Who do you think? Janeway, the abominable captain.

Janeway: It was only to encourage them.

Kira: She was trying to Voyagerize them.

Producer: Now Kathy....

Janeway: What’s the harm?

Brunt: We don’t want another Voyager.

Producer: Watch it buddy--you’re already in trouble.

Brunt: I don’t see why; Star Trek characters come back from the dead all the time.

Reed: Yes, even when they’re all dead.

Producer: Only the good ones do.

Brunt: Not true! Look at Paris--they brought him back from the dead several times.

Paris: Was that an insult?

Torres: Some of us tried to keep him there.

Paris: I think that was an insult too....

Kim: We should’ve left him and the captain on that salamander planet--they were happy there.

Torres: (nodding) Might’ve saved the series.

Paris: Hey!

Kira: (to Archer and his crew) Please don’t ever let yourselves sink to that level.

Archer: (to T’Pol) Do you think I’d look good bald?

Reed: I’m afraid it’s already too late for some of us....

Sato: We haven’t found any salamanders yet; do slugs count?

Kira: Not as long as you don’t turn into one.

Reed: Looks like it’s too late for you too, Trip.

Tucker: Hey!

Janeway: Well, things seem to be going nicely. Let’s get out of here, crew.

Torres: Harry and I are going to stick around here for a few days and check the, uh, plasma conduits.

Paris: Okay sweetie. (gives her a kiss) See ya!

Torres: (wipes the kiss off in disgust as Paris and company depart) Damn, and I had just scrubbed my face....

Kira: (turning back to Archer's crew) You new guys just let us know if you need any more advice.

Brunt: And remember, my acting services are always available, no matter what the species....

Bashir: I’ve got a message for you two guys with accents: it really turns the girls on....

E. Dax:  I can vouch for that.

Quark: And don’t be afraid to stray a little from the straight and narrow--that really turns the fans on!

Producer: That’s it, no more! This communications line is now closed!

Brunt: Party pooper....
 
 

2001--Commander Illani