by Illani

Note: This week we see how Archer and his crew cope with an unexpected camping trip. Don’t let the title fool you: there’s not a serious moment in this thing (and don’t ask where they got the firewood).

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Enterprise and controls the fate of its characters. I control the fate of this story.
 
 

An Enterprise shuttle pod comes in to land on a barren, hellish planet. The crew files out, Archer first.
 

Archer: Ah, the idealic serenity of a new planet!

Reed: (muttering) It’s “idyllic,” you prick.

Archer: Just take in a breath of that beautiful, fresh air!
 

Sato breathes in and immediately comes down with a fit of coughs. Reed and Mayweather support her as she gags. Dr. Phlox fumbles around with his medkit and finally produces what looks like a really slimy looking leech. He clamps it to Sato’s throat, and she stops coughing.
 

Archer: Well, I admit, the air isn’t quite as clear as that planet we found last week...but just look at that beautiful blue sky!
 

Thunder is heard. The sky flashes, and a lightning bolt nukes the shuttle.
 

Archer: Well, look at that interesting rock outcropping.
 

The ground starts shaking, and part of the rock collapses on Mayweather, who screams. Phlox hurries over to assist.
 

Tucker: Looks like even the planet’s against you today, cap’n.

Archer: What do you suppose it is? Do I have bad breath or something?

Tucker: Whew...no comment, sir.
 
 

The scene changes. Tucker is building a campfire. Reed, Sato, and Phlox are assisting Mayweather, who is in a full body cast. T’Pol comes into view, lugging what is obviously the last of the supplies from the shuttle.
 

T’Pol: Here are the remainder of the tents. I regret to inform you that there appears to be fewer than the required number of sleeping bags.

Archer: I’m sure we can make do with what we have.

Tucker: Yeah, we can always share--I’m sure Vulcans aren’t opposed to that.

T’Pol: If it is all the same to you, I will do without.

Tucker: Sounds like you Vulcans make that a way of life.

Archer: What about weapons?

T’Pol: Lt. Reed brought the weapons and sensory equipment earlier.

Archer: Mr. Reed, would you come here a minute?

Reed: (coming over) Yes captain?

Archer: Do we have adequate weapons in case we’re attacked in the night?

Reed: (gesturing to an immense pile of phase pistols, rifles, and various types of explosives) I always come prepared, sir. Most of the defensive equipment was completely unaffected when the lightning shorted out the pod’s systems.

Tucker: How convenient.

Archer: How about setting up a defense perimeter, just so we can sleep a little easier in our...well...in our whatever we sleep in tonight.

Reed: Aye sir.
 

Reed goes off and starts setting out glowing blue traffic cones that hum when activated.
 

Archer: Okay, now to the important stuff--Trip, how’s the fire coming along?

Tucker: It’ll be ready for marshmallow roasting in just a couple of minutes, Cap’n.

Archer: Ah, that brings back some memories....

Tucker: Yep, sure does. (to T’Pol) Do you roast marshmallows over campfires on Vulcan?

T’Pol: That question does not even deserve an answer.
 

Phlox approaches.
 

Phlox: Well, Travis seems to be recuperating quite nicely, considering that he just had a five ton rock dropped on him.

Archer: These youngsters--they’re tough as nails; you can’t expect some stupid rock to slow them down.

T’Pol: Especially when the rock is made of styrofoam.

Voice: Cut!

T’Pol: I was only trying to embellish the scene with a touch of humor.

Voice: Try making it a little dirtier!

T’Pol: Humans....
 

The scene shifts to Reed, who is just finishing with the perimeter cones. On the way back to the captain, he stops to chat with Sato, who is still tending to Mayweather.
 

Reed: How’s he doing?

Sato: As well as anyone who’s just been crushed by a large rock.

Mayweather: I’m gonna strangle whatever son of a %*$!# decided to come down here.

Reed: That would be the captain.

Sato: (flinching as she touches the leech on her throat) Come up with a plan and let us know, Travis--we’ll be glad to help....
 

Sato and Reed get up and go over to the captain, who has apparently called a briefing.
 

Archer: Okay, we’ll set up the tents in a minute, but first let’s get a few things straight. T’Pol, why did we come down here in the first place?

T’Pol: Because you wanted to, sir.

Archer: Really? Malcolm, you scanned the planet; why didn’t you tell us how dangerous it was?

Reed: I did tell you, sir.

Archer: Really? Hoshi, what sort of intelligent life or civilization did you find?

Sato: Sir, there was no intelligent life.

Archer: So why did we come down here?

Tucker: Well, it seems to me that we’re caught in that old pattern, invented by some famous captain...it was either Bill R. Kirk or Jim T. Shatner....

Archer: I don’t quite follow you.

Reed: He’s talking about the phenomenon that the captain knows this is the most dangerous planet in the universe, so he sends the entire senior staff down to investigate.

Archer: Are you guys trying to tell me something?
 
 

The scene changes: it is later, and starting to get dark. All of the tents have been set up, and all seven crewmembers are sitting around the campfire. Archer and Tucker are roasting marshmallows on sticks. T’Pol is ignoring them, reading a data pad. Reed is playing with a phase pistol; when no one’s looking he pretends to shoot the captain with it. Sato is chatting with Mayweather, who appears to be unconscious except for the occasional moan he puts out. Phlox is playing with his pet leech.
 

Tucker: Man, you guys are missin’ out on all the marshmallows--don’t you know how to have any fun?

Phlox: How do you know that we aren’t having fun?

Tucker: This is a campfire--we’re supposed to sit around toasting marshmallows and tellin’ old stories.

Mayweather: (slipping briefly into consciousness) Hey, I’ve got a story-

Tucker: No way! I’ve heard your stories, and they are lame.

T’Pol: (briefly looking up from her reading) Since no one else appears eager to tell a story, perhaps you should let the subject drop.

Tucker: All I know is this is the sorriest excuse for a camping trip that I’ve seen since that time Uncle Phil drowned in the Mississippi.

Archer: That must have been sad for you, Trip; were you close to your uncle?

Tucker: Pretty close--I pushed him in.

Reed: Did you just say that you pushed him in?

Tucker: Yeah.

Sato: You murdered your own uncle?

Tucker: Aw, heck no, Ensign! It was a game, you see--to find out who could breathe the longest underwater.

Reed: You mean to see who could hold his breath the longest.

Tucker: No, who could breathe the longest.

Archer: Ah.

Tucker: We’d all had a lot to drink that night.

Sato: I’m surprised that just one of you drowned.

Tucker: Well, we were all gonna jump in, but something made us stay out of the water.

Archer: What was that?

Tucker: Our wives and girlfriends.

Sato: (rolling her eyes) What else?

Tucker: But seriously, we need to liven things up a little--let’s have a sing-along.

T’Pol: (paying attention again) Let’s not.

Tucker: Aw, come on T’Pol--it’ll be fun! What do you say, Captain?

Archer: Sounds like a great idea to me; what should we sing?

Tucker: How about a round, like “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Archer: Great! How about it, you guys?

T’Pol: I think I’ll go check the food rations.

Reed: Yes, and I think I should probably check the defensive perimeter--you never know....

Sato: I’ll come with you--you might need some help.

Archer: Hold it! No one’s going anywhere until we sing a few rounds of “Row Row Row Row Row...Row Row Row Your Boat.”

Phlox: What if some of us don’t know the words?

Tucker: What, have you lived on another planet all your life? Oh, sorry....

Archer: Well, let’s see. It goes “Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily...merrily, life is but a dream.”

Mayweather: (slipping briefly back into consciousness) You know, if you guys are gonna do a rip-off of a movie, you should at least rip off one of the good ones.

Archer: (ignoring him) Okay, we’ll sing it in four parts--I’ll start off, Trip can go second. How about Malcolm, Hoshi, and Travis join in third, and then Dr. Phlox and T’Pol can go last. How does that sound?

Reed: Like a situation where earplugs could come in very handy.

Mayweather: Ugh....
 

They commence with the round. Archer and Tucker sing exuberantly, if a little off-key. Sato and Reed join in unenthusiastically; Mayweather comes in occasionally with a half-hearted grunt. T’Pol simply speaks the words, while Phlox sings with a beautiful operatic tenor voice. The round comes to an end.
 

Archer: That was beautiful; it brought a tear to my eye.

Reed: Mine too, but I think it was for a different reason....

Tucker: Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?

Sato: Sure was--I think it’s time to go to bed now.

T’Pol: I agree.

Phlox: Yes, it’s getting late.

Archer: Now wait just a minute; I’m starting to get the feeling that you guys want this little evening to end.

Reed: (innocently) Really sir? I don’t know where you got that idea.

Archer: The thing is, I feel like we’re missing out on a valuable opportunity for some character development--we need to interact some more, get to know each other a little better.

Tucker: Well said, Captain.

Archer: I mean, what do we really know about each other, other than that Malcolm likes to play with weapons and that Trip’s stupidity apparently runs in the family?

Tucker: Hey!

Sato: We know that Dr. Phlox can sing.

Tucker: Yeah, how’d you learn how to do that, anyway?

Phlox: We Chief Medical Officers deem it something of a tradition to try to embarrass ourselves.

Tucker: But you were really good.

Phlox: Just you wait until you’ve been hearing it for a few weeks....
 
 

The scene changes: it is now completely dark, and the crew are bustling around, sorting out sleeping bags. Unfortunately, as pointed out earlier, there are seven crewmembers, but only four sleeping bags. Archer calls a meeting to try to solve the dilemma.
 

Archer: Okay, so we’ve got four bags and seven people...that means that, uh, some of us are going to have to share.

T’Pol: Six of us will have to sleep in pairs in the first three bags; the seventh crewmember may sleep alone in the remaining bag.

Tucker: This sounds like either some freaky game show or kindergarten.

Archer: There has to be a fair way to work this out.

Tucker: I’ve already offered to share mine with T’Pol.

T’Pol: (coldly) No thank you, Commander.

Tucker: Ouch...okay, then I guess you can share with Hoshi, since you’re both, well, girls....

T’Pol: No offense to Ensign Sato, but a human is a human; I believe my olfactory sense will be less offended if I share with Dr. Phlox.

Tucker: (to Phlox) You lucky bastard.

Archer: In that case, Hoshi can have the single bag.

Sato: No, I think Travis should have it. He is in a body cast.

Archer: Yeah, I guess it’d be kinda hard for anyone to share with him. So, with Phlox and T’Pol in one and Travis in the second, that leaves two more bags for the four of us.

Tucker: How’re we gonna decide who gets the jackpot--I mean, that is....

Sato: Wouldn’t it be easier if I just slept on the ground?

Archer: No, it’s going to get cold tonight.

Reed: Sir, if it’s any help, I’ll sleep on the ground--I think I can take the cold.

Archer: No one is sleeping on the ground! There’s only one fair way to decide this: we’ll draw straws.
 
 

The frame changes: Archer, Tucker, and Reed are standing apart from the others. Archer has three straws in his fist.
 

Archer: Okay, I have three straws here; each of you pick one and we’ll see what we end up with.
 

Tucker and Reed draw straws. All three hold up their straws to compare with the others.
 

Archer: Oh, wait a minute, there’s something wrong here....

Tucker: Captain, these straws are all the same length!

Archer: That’s right, they’re all long...does that mean that we all get to sleep in Hoshi’s sleeping bag?

Reed: I think that would be a bit crowded, sir.

Tucker: Here, just let me cut two of them so-

Archer: Hey! Leave my straws alone!
 

A bit later: Archer has three straws in his fist again.
 

Archer: Okay, I have here one long straw and two not-so-long ones.

Tucker: You mean short.

Archer: Uh, yeah. Whoever draws the long straw gets to sleep with Hoshi.
 

Archer holds up his fist, and Tucker and Reed draw straws again. Reed gets the long one.
 

Archer: Oh...uh...hmm...we must’ve done that wrong. Let’s try it again. (gathers up the straws again) And this time, (looks sternly at Reed) pick a different one.
 

They pick straws again. Reed gets the long one again.
 

Reed: Oh, er, sorry Captain. Shall we try again?

Archer: No, that’s a stupid way to decide. Let’s try something else.
 
 

The frame changes: Archer, Tucker, and Reed are sitting on some stumps. The others are sitting nearby, looking bored.
 

Archer: Okay, you guys know how this game goes, right? (they nod) Okay, one two three!
 

They pound their fists three times on their knees. On the third time, they make shapes with their hands: Archer has ‘scissors,’ and Tucker and Reed both have ‘stone.’
 

Archer: Okay, let’s see...you two have rocks and I have the scissors...scissors cut everything, don’t they?

Mayweather: Now they’re ripping off Monty Python....

Tucker: No, Captain, I think the rocks mess up the scissors somehow.

Reed: Stone blunts scissors.

Archer: Oh...let’s try again.
 

This time, Archer comes up with stone, while Reed and Tucker have paper.
 

Archer: Now, I know that rock’s gotta be better than paper.

Reed: No, sir--paper wraps stone.

Archer: So what?! I don’t care if my rock’s wrapped in paper--it’s still just as good!

Tucker: It’s the rules of the game, Captain.

Archer: Oh, all right...let’s try again.
 

Archer gets stone again, and so does Tucker; Reed has paper again.
 

Reed: (smirking) Bad luck, sir.

Archer: Now wait a minute, I haven’t lost all the way!

Reed: What do you mean?

Archer: (gesturing to Tucker) My rock’s bigger than his rock!

Tucker: What the heck?! That doesn’t count!

Archer: Why the hell not? A big rock can smash a little rock!

Tucker: But that’s not part of the rules!

Archer: Aw, this is a stupid game! Let’s try something else....
 
 

The frame changes again: now Archer, Tucker, and Reed are standing on a firing range. There is a small bullseye target about 10 meters away. All three officers have phase pistols.
 

Archer: Okay, we’ll take turns shooting at that thing, and the one that gets closest to the center wins.

Tucker: (to Archer) Are you sure this is such a good idea? I mean, challenging the security chief to a target shooting contest?

Archer: But don’t you see? That’s the clever part! Security chiefs can’t hit a barn door at 20 paces!

Tucker: I think that was just Worf....

Archer: Stop complaining...now, you go first, Trip.
 

Tucker takes aim and hits the outer rim of the target.
 

Archer: (laughing) Well, a little out of practice, Trip? Let me just show you how it’s done.
 

Archer fires and hits the first ring out from the center. Phlox applauds and Tucker nods in appreciation. Archer struts to the side, allowing Reed to take up position in front of the target.
 

Archer: Okay Mr. Reed, it’s your shot--and remember, the captain can demote any officer he wants, anytime he feels like it.

Reed: Aye sir.
 

Reed aims at the target, then purposefully moves the aim off by 80 degrees. He fires, but the beam bounces off a metal supply container, then off several more objects before hitting the target, dead center.
 

Reed: Oh...oh dear, I’m sorry sir.

Tucker: Why am I not surprised?

Reed: Should we, er, try again sir?

Archer: Forget it. You win, Lieutenant...seems to be your destiny.

Reed: (smirking) Aye sir.

Tucker: (to Reed) You lucky, lucky, lucky bastard.
 
 

Change of scene: interior of Sato’s tent. Reed ducks in and zips up the door before turning to smile somewhat nervously at Sato.
 

Reed: Hi.

Sato: Hi.

Reed: Look, if you’re uncomfortable about this I really will sleep on the ground--I don’t mind, really.

Sato: Thanks Malcolm, but it really is going to get cold tonight. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and find you frozen to death.

Reed: You’re very kind.

Sato: May I ask you something?

Reed: You just did.

Sato: You’re not going to get another relapse of that virus, are you?

Reed: The one that keeps getting mentioned every episode? No, I feel fine actually. I don’t think I’ll be getting any relapses tonight--and I give you my word as a Starfleet Officer that I’ll behave like a perfect gentleman.

Sato: (sounding disappointed) Oh. Darn....
 
 

Change of scene: it is morning. Most of the crew are up and about, minus Archer and Tucker. Mayweather is still in the body cast; the others have dragged him (still in his sleeping bag) out of the tent but can’t get the bag’s zipper undone.
 

Sato: Now I know why they didn’t have zippers in the other series.

Reed: This shouldn’t be a problem--I can just cut through it with a phase pistol.

Mayweather: Say WHAT?!?

Reed: I meant cut through the zipper, Travis.

T’Pol: I believe it would be best to simply leave Ensign Mayweather inside the sleeping bag for now; there is little reason to remove him.

Mayweather: I can think of some very good reasons! How am I supposed to use the toilet in this thing?

Reed: The same way you’d use it if you were just in your body cast.

Mayweather: Watch it, buddy--you don’t know the agony that I’m in!

Reed: Yes I do. Weren’t you watching that episode where I was shot in the leg and had to sit down in a cave for 48 hours while the captain played around trying to be diplomatic? If they had a lavatory down there, they certainly didn’t let on.

Mayweather: How did you stand it?

Reed: I tried not to think about running water.

Tucker: (just emerging from his tent) Morning guys! I’m just going to fill this canteen with water from that stream I saw yesterday.

Mayweather: I’m going to die....
 
 

The frame changes: everyone has dispersed to different tasks. Sato is sorting out food rations from the containers, T’Pol is scanning the area with her tricorder, and Phlox is tending to Mayweather. Reed is rekindling the campfire. Tucker approaches him.
 

Tucker: Morning, Malcolm.

Reed: Good morning, sir.

Tucker: How’s Travis? Did he, uh, get that little problem of his sorted out?

Reed: Yes, Dr. Phlox used one of his water-absorbing slugs.

Tucker: What, you mean he put one of those things on his-

Reed: (quickly interrupting) No, he put it on his neck, sir.

Tucker: Oh, thank goodness for that.... (his expression changes to a smirk) So, how’d it go last night?

Reed: Just fine--the tent was very nice.

Tucker: I bet it was! So, how’d it go?

Reed: Sir?

Tucker: Come on Malcolm, how’d it go with Hoshi last night? You know what I mean.

Reed: (finally understanding) Commander, really. Nothing like that happened last night.

Tucker: You expect me to believe that?

Reed: Yes, I do, actually.

Tucker: Malcolm, you expect me to believe that you got in that sleeping bag with that beautiful woman and nothing happened?

Reed: You can believe what you want, sir, but I’m telling you the truth.

Tucker: (laughing) Ooookaaay...whatever you say Malcolm.
 

Tucker stands and moves over to T’Pol, who is still scanning with her tricorder.
 

Tucker: So, did you and Dr. Phlox sleep well?

T’Pol: (doing her best to ignore him) The accomodations were adequate.

Tucker: What about Dr. Phlox...was he adequate?

T’Pol: He didn’t smell, if that’s what you mean.

Tucker: Did he do anything else?

T’Pol: If you don’t leave me alone I will render you unconscious with the Vulcan nerve pinch.

Tucker: Temper, temper. (moves over to Phlox, who is taking his pet leech for a stroll)

Phlox: (looking up sharply as Tucker approaches) No, I do not want to discuss it with you, Commander.

Tucker: I didn’t say a word! Jeeshh...someone’s not a morning person. (spots Sato on the other side of camp, still sorting out the food rations; he walks over to her) Morning, Hoshi.

Sato: Morning, Commander.

Tucker: Malcolm tells me your tent was nice.

Sato: (looking suspicious) Yeeessss....

Tucker: Sooooo...you want to tell me about it?

Sato: Tell you about what?

Tucker: You know, about...it.

Sato: Do I feel a violent reaction approaching?

Tucker: What? It was just a question!

Sato: In that case, I’ll give you just an answer: no.

Tucker: No what?

Sato: No, I don’t want to tell you about it!

Tucker: Why not?!
 

Sato dumps a bucket of purple yogurt over his head and storms off, muttering something under her breath about men. Archer approaches.
 

Archer: Some new kind of hair gel, Trip?

Tucker: Why do I have this effect on women?

Archer: You know, it could be a new look for you--just maybe use a little less of it.

Tucker: Captain, this isn’t hair gel--it’s yogurt.

Archer: Yogurt? Here, let me taste it. (gets a glob of it on his finger and tastes it) Mmm...grape--my favorite!

Tucker: Captain!

Archer: What is for breakfast anyway? I’m starved.

Tucker: Who’s gonna clean this stuff off my head?

Archer: Don’t worry, it suits you.

Tucker: Captain, normally I don’t lose patience with my commanding officer, but you’re really starting to irritate me....

Archer: Oh yeah? Well you’re demoted, mister!

Tucker: What?!

Reed: (he and the others are all listening in now) Serves you right, if you ask me.

T’Pol: I agree.

Sato: Here, here.

Phlox: It’s about time he got a taste of his own medicine.

Tucker: All right, you guys asked for it! (picks up a jug of V8 and hurls the contents at the others)

Sato: You bastard!

Reed: I just had this uniform cleaned!

Phlox: If a food fight’s what he wants, I say we give it to him!

Reed, Sato, and T’Pol: Agreed!
 

They all pick up pieces of food and start hurling them at Tucker; unfortunately, Archer is also in the way, and he gets splattered too.
 

Archer: How dare you? I’m the captain!

Sato: Exactly!
 

Archer joins in the fight. In the confusion, some of Phlox’s noodle soup gets thrown at Reed, who retaliates by dousing Phlox with a double helping of apple marmelade. T’Pol pours raspberry soda down the front of Tucker’s pants.
 

Tucker: Oh sssshhhi...hhoooooo...hhhhaaaaa...that feels kinda nice, actually....
 

Sato dumps lemon yogurt over Reed’s head.
 

Reed: Hey! What’d you do that for?!

Sato: That’s for being a gentleman last night!

Reed: Two can play at that game! (dumps the rest of the marmelade over Sato’s head)

Sato: Oh yuck! You’re going to pay for that!
 

Sato and Reed continue dousing each other with foodstuffs. On the other side of camp, Mayweather, still in a body cast, gets hit in the face by an unidentifiable piece of gooey food.
 

Mayweather: I thought food rations were all supposed to be dry...but I guess we couldn’t have this scene otherwise....
 

Back in the midst of the fight, Archer gets up on a stump, trying to get everyone’s attention.
 

Archer: Hey! Hey, listen--listen up!
 

They all pause and look up at him.
 

Archer: That’s better. Now, I just want to say that I’m disappointed. You guys are all acting like a bunch of children--no, worse, like a bunch of middle-schoolers! I mean, we’re a Starfleet crew--shouldn’t we act like one? What do you say?

Tucker: They don’t make Starfleet crews like they used to, sir.
 

Archer is bombarded by yogurt, noodles, and marmelade.
 
 

The scene changes: the camp is splattered with food. Archer and his crew have all cleaned themselves up and are looking pretty subdued now. Archer calls them all together.
 

Archer: I hope you all had a nice breakfast. (the others all murmur or nod in agreement) Well, T’Pol tells me the shuttle pod’s fixed, so I think it’s time to go home. I just want to say that I think we’ve learned a lot today...we’ve learned a lot about how this crew can pull together in times of adversity, overcoming the perils of a new and exciting world...and I think we’ve learned a lot about each other too. Yes, I think that this crew will soon take its place in history as one of the greatest Starfleet crews of all time.

Tucker: Uh, Captain....

Archer: Yes, I believe that we can rise above and beyond the call of duty, to explore strange new worlds...to seek out new life and new civilizations...

Tucker: Captain....

Archer: ...and to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Reed: He’s using the split infinitive again.

Sato: Not to mention the sexist wording.

Archer: And we’ll do it together, people, together we stand...not-together we fall...now what is it, Trip?

Tucker: Look at that interesting rock outcropping.

Archer: Oh, yeah, that is interesting. (walks over to it; the ground starts shaking and the rock lands on top of him)

Tucker: Looks like the planet is on our side, after all.
 
 

2001--Commander Illani