Chakotay walked briskly through the corridors. He’d already made his decision, almost the very moment he’d seen Seska on the screen, in the split second it took him to recognize that awful face that wore the voice, that voice that grated on every nerve ending in his body.
The responsibility was his and his alone. If Voyager got involved, every one of them could be killed. He was the one who had trusted Seska, allowed her into his life, his crew…his bed.
The only problem now was that it was extremely hard, if not impossible, to keep a secret from a certain member of the crew, a member he had no doubt would try to stop him if she knew what he was up to. He deliberately took a circuituous route through the ship, trailing first down to Engineering, then back up to the deck where the shuttle bay was.
Cautiously he peeked around the corner, to the doors which were his last stop. His last stop before space, that was. The last stop before his mission. Perhaps his final mission, but a mission nonetheless. No sign of her. He breathed a sigh of relief, walked the remaining two meters, and pressed the wall panel.
The double doors hissed aside to reveal her standing there, staring at him.
Chakotay jerked visibly, his cover blown. Sara’s hands were on her hips and her eyes had a cold, hard look inside them, something that told him she wasn’t going to let him get away that easily, but with a desperation underneath that begged him to reconsider.
“I knew you were up to something,” she told him knowingly, having the decency not to smile, though she did cross her arms over her chest, a posture she’d picked up from B’Elanna somewhere along the way.
“I’d love to debate the intricacies of how you knew, but I’m afraid I don’t have time right now,” Chakotay pushed past her.
“Why are you doing this?” The desperation crept into her voice. “Why are you going after her alone?”
“If you can read my mind, which I know you can, you don’t have to ask that.”
“Chakotay…” her voice stuck. He turned to see her swallow hard. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say she was about to cry, something she never did. He didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want to hurt anyone, and yet he could not help what he felt he had to do.
“Look at it this way,” his voice was soft. “If I do this, there’s a good enough chance that the rest of you can stay out of danger.”
“She’s not worth it.” Sara’s eyes snapped again, the intense blue turning flinty. “She was never worth it. She’s not worth it now.”
“That’s not your decision to make,” he snapped as he boarded the shuttlecraft.
“Please -- ” she took a step forward, causing him to stop again. “Please. I’ve never asked you for anything. I’m asking you now. Don’t do this.”
“I have to.” Chakotay’s dark eyes bored into her. “I have to. She’s my responsibility.”
“No she’s not. She’s no one’s but her own. You know that as well as I do. You’re doing what she wants, Chakotay! You’re playing right into her hands…”
“She’s not expecting me. She’s expecting Voyager. A shuttle could have a chance to get through. Now get out, Sara.”
Sara stood still, challenging him to make her.
“Do I have to stun you?” He pulled a phaser from a compartment and pointed it at her.
It flew from his hand before he could make another move, out of the shuttle and clattered into a wall, well out of reach. Sara hadn’t moved, was still standing in the same position, feet planted, eyebrow arched, arms crossed.
Her telekinetic abilities. She used them so rarely he’d almost forgotten she had them. Obviously, they could still serve her well. Sighing in exasperation, he got up and walked toward her, not pausing to pick her up and carry her towards the doors. To her credit, she didn’t fight him. She didn’t even try to stop him. He wondered if she knew that resistance in her case wasn’t going to do much good.
At the door she tried one last time. “Please don’t do this.”
He looked at her, seriously with a bit of sadness. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
“You may not be here to tell me when I’m older.”
Chakotay opened the door, swung her down and set her on her feet. Almost as an afterthought he pulled her close, awkwardly patting her back a moment before dropping a quick peck into the top of her long hair, in the center of the braids that wound around her head. He stepped back and quickly closed the doors, sealing them with his command codes, impossible for her or anyone other than the Captain to break through.
If he would have been honest with himself, completely, brutally honest, he would have admitted that he had done so because he couldn’t stand to look at those eyes one more second.
**********
Sara ran into the turbolift after she heard the doors seal, after a few well-placed tricks that Tom Paris had taught her failing to open them, and ordered the lift to take her to deck one, where the bridge was silent, with enough tension to snap even the most laid-back person. Everyone seemed to be staring at the viewscreen.
“Sara?” The Captain questioned.
“I tried to stop him,” Sara blurted. Janeway didn’t waste any time; she grabbed Sara by the elbow and all but dragged her into her ready room, where she locked the door.
“Calm down,” she put her hands on Sara’s small shoulders. “Now, what’s this all about?”
“He – I – In the shuttle bay…” she couldn’t stop her tears any more. They were tumbling down her cheeks, hot and salty, with a futile effort she tried to wipe them away but their numbers were far too great. “I knew what he was going to do, what he would do. I thought I could stop him. I thought he’d listen to me, but he put me outside the shuttle bay and he locked the doors and he started off so fast that I couldn’t get the door open…”
“Slow down,” the Captain had never seen Sara cry, not even after she’d been hurt, contrary to popular opinion it did happen, and the sight unnerved her more than the fact the girl could read her mind.
“He didn’t have to go after her. He thinks he’s doing the right thing. He’s trying to protect us, all of us, but he’ll die. It’s not worth it to let him die, he’s going to die, he’s not coming back --”
“Sara.” Janeway took her shoulders more firmly, forcing her to look up. “We’re going to do everything possible to get the Commander…to get Chakotay back. I promise you that.”
Sara couldn’t stop crying. She dropped her head, gazing at the floor, sobbing so hard that everything was starting to garner a red haze, tears rolling down her cheeks, her face hot and her heart feeling as though it was going to crack at any second.
“Calm down,” Janeway was trying to reassure her, but it didn’t help. “Now, why do you think that Chakotay did this?”
“He thinks – it – was – his fault,” Sara hiccuped. “He thinks it was his fault -- that Seska was even here. Because she was a part of his crew. He thinks that he was a fool -- because he didn’t realize that she was -- a Cardassian. But she had us all fooled -- every last one of us. Even – me – and I could have known better than anyone -- ”
Her words were cut off as blood started to trickle from her nose, the same time that deep, booming coughs exploded from her chest. “Oh damn -- ” Sara spluttered, cupping her hands over her face as she found it tipped backwards, the glare of the lights making her wince, the Captain’s strong, gentle hands pinching the bridge shut.
“Is this what happens when you cry?” The Captain asked her wryly, helping her to sit down on the carpet and running into the attached bathroom for a cold cloth.
“I don’t know,” Sara gasped in spite of herself, pinching her nose as the Captain applied the cloth to the back of her neck, forcing the blood vessels to close.
“If it does, I can understand why you don’t do it very often.” It was already beginning to stop. Sara closed her eyes as the wetness was moved to her face, wiping it, easing the sticky, hot feeling that had accumulated. “In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing you do this before…”
Suddenly she felt cold, cold enough for her teeth to chatter, even though they didn’t because her entire body just as suddenly went numb. Flashes of images appeared, blood, hazy, sticky blood, on her face and on her hands, being wiped away by a cool moistness that could only have come from water, dribbling and trickling down her face, taking away the stinging, burning sensation that prickled through her.
It faded to be replaced by another time, another year…
Another person.
Someone was carrying her.
Strong shoulders were underneath her fingers, the material of a shirt bunched between the digits, solid, firm arms restraining her safely as her small legs clasped around muscular long legs, so taut and tense that she felt the sinews shift under her calves. Her eyes opened to come face-to-face with another pair, eyes as blue as her own, down to the very shadows that surrounded them.
Only they weren’t hers.
A smile made to break hearts lit up the face she was staring at, a smile full of love and peace, cutting through the troubled shadows, the azure irises filling with happiness laced with regret at the same moment.
He – it was a he, she could tell that much – set her down, her feet impacting solidly on firm ground, kissed the top of her head, and with another heartbreaking smile turned and strode away from her. She was so astonished that all she could do was watch, until the last of him faded, vanishing from sight entirely.
Someone was calling her.
“Sara…” a voice filtered through her ears, wound its way into her brain, and caused her eyes to snap open. When had they closed? Gradually blurred vision came into focus, to the worried face of Captain Kathryn Janeway.
“Sara?” Janeway tried again, face creasing.
“What?” Sara couldn’t make sense out of what was happening. Had it been a dream? The face…what she had seen…
“You just about passed out. Are you going to be all right?”
“I – yes,” she found her voice, looking around the room as though she’d never seen it before in her life. “What happened?”
“Your nose stopped bleeding,” the Captain was quiet. “You had some blood on your hands from when it seeped through…”
Sara looked. There was no blood there now. “Thank you – Captain,” she rose and cleared her throat. “I – thank you.”
“Maybe you should go down and see the doctor.”
“No – I’m fine. I’ll be fine. But Chakotay…”
Again she found herself cut off, by a faint, ironic smile. “Does Chakotay have any idea how much you care for him?”
“Captain?” Sara was bewildered. Her head throbbed a bit.
“If you didn’t care,” Janeway said knowingly, “you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t have tried to stop him. No matter how much you pretend indifference, I know you care about him. You care about all the crew.”
“I suppose,” she shrugged. “But what if Seska…what if she doesn’t let him…”
“We’ll deal with that when it happens.” The Captain wasn’t cutting any slack on the subject. “Return to your duties, if you feel up to it.”
“Aye, Captain,” Sara left the ready room, still wondering what in the hell had happened to her, and leaving behind a grim-faced captain chewing on her lower lip.
