The Fourth
Title: The Fourth
Author- Jess L
E-mail- ssjb@tpg.com.au
Disclaimer- I would love to own Roswell... But I don't.
Summary- Tess's life has always been dominated by a number.
Spoiler's- Season 1.
Feedback- I don't usually give it, so I feel really stupid for asking... But
I have low self-esteem! pretty please?
-~-
"Save me,
At the mercy of this splendored animosity.
Save me,
Watch intently as the dampened sky drips over me.
Save me,
Looking up in adoration of what's sung to me.
Save me,
Hear the silence of the story sweetly dream."
-Red by Inside Scarlet
-~-
"I knew you wouldn't leave us."
I can't believe that I almost forgot who I am. I almost forgot my place;
characteristically He immediately put my back where I'm supposed to be.
"You're not ready to be left alone."
I had failed him again, by just being who I am I've disappointed him in ways
unimaginable.
It's always been this way. By being who I am, I'm a problem to him.
I'm not them so therefore whatever I do, it doesn't count.
Who am I? One may ask. It's a question that each person asks of themselves
at many points in their life. Sometimes it's left unanswered. Sometimes you
find out. Sometimes you find out and don't like who you are and try to
change yourself. Sometimes you're successful at change, but a lot of the
times you're not.
What I am, is the fourth. I will always be unsuccessful at changing that
fact.
I am the fourth in the square.
The fourth out of their pod.
The fourth in importance to Him.
Always after Max, after Michael, after Isabel.
The fourth one - Tess.
And that isn't even my real name.
Being fourth doesn't win any prizes.
I've always known that He wished that it was one of the others that was left
behind. The second He entered the pod chamber and saw me. A frightened,
little girl with curly blond hair, it wasn't straight, my eyes were not
brown and I certainly wasn't a male. I knew. He was too shocked to mask his
thoughts from me.
Oh no, any one of them but her.
The first thing I ever experienced was that disappointment.
He isn't human; He doesn't have emotions. But he managed to be disappointed.
I guess I should be happy that there was no weight of expectation upon my
shoulders, but try telling that to a six-year-old.
Before I could talk I learnt to protect myself. Shut myself off, pretend,
act, be seen but not heard. I learnt to run and hide from anyone who wasn't
Him. I learnt to make people see things that weren't there, so I could run
and hide. Can you see the pattern here? Run and Hide. It's not exactly stuff
that great education is made of, especially when I had certain abilities at
my exposal. He is good at running and good at hiding; He showed me how to do
that well.
His version of teaching somebody something is showing how it's done once and
then expecting that magically you can now do it too.
He's an alien and I guess he thinks that the same rules don't apply to him.
He sure acts like it.
You see he's never taught me anything, he's never sat me down explained
something to me and then let me practice it. I tend to 'pick up' things
instead, I should thank my lucky stars that I'm a quick study right? I have
a feeling he wouldn't notice anyway.
The first year I experienced on this planet, I couldn't speak English. He
only spoke to me in the language of 'Home'. It was something I knew
instinctively, like the symbols in the destiny book. Preprogramming is not
that bad. And it wasn't as if he could be bothered to teach me anyway. I
think that by staying in my pod longer than the other's I kept more
knowledge of home.
But it still doesn't stop me from wishing that I wasn't the fourth.
I'm always the last, I know that now. The second the hologram said 'your
young bride.' In that one moment I felt elation and horror. The knowledge
came to me- I was a mere after-thought. 'We have another pod left, she's his
wife why don't we send her'. Max's total rejection made a lot more sense,
but it still didn't stop me from saying 'I knew this was meant to be.' What
can I say? I didn't have anything to lose and I'm definitely used to
disappointment.
Max isn't any different for Him, They're both pretending to be human. And to
both of them I'm not what they want.
Yes I understand, You got left taking care of the leftovers.
Your job was to protect us, not take care of us, not be a father or be a
teacher.
I understand, but it still hurts.
I didn't have a name for nine years.
For the first nine years of my life on this planet I was addressed as 'Girl'
and sometimes 'Child' in both our language and in English. Then one day He
came home with a folder of information and we became Ed Harding and his
daughter Tess. I was excited I finally had a 'real' name He had gotten me a
real name, He cared enough to give me a name. Then I realised what He had
done to get it and for a second my heart stopped.
Sometimes I worry that the real Tess Harding will be found dead and buried
somewhere and I will be found out. He plans, but never for that far ahead. I
wonder who the real Tess Harding was and if her father loved her. Sometimes
I wonder what my real name is. I know it can't be 'girl'.
I haven't exactly been a high school student either. I can act very well,
none of them were paying much attention anyway. Being constantly on the move
didn't help and He thought that I didn't need a human education. What's
human education to me? I'm only here to save the planet.
I only found out that last week. To the others it looks like I've always
known. But I can lie well and speak with conviction even better. If they
looked closer they would notice that my hands shake when I tell them these
things of destiny. If they dug deeper they would know that four isn't
exactly my favorite number. If they had of waited for me it wouldn't matter.
And if it didn't matter, I wouldn't have failed you, I wouldn't have
disappointed anyone. If it didn't matter I wouldn't go crazy now that I've
reached Roswell, New Mexico.
I'm the fourth, being alien doesn't matter.
I wish I had Michael's animosity, I don't get angry, I always cry instead.
No one has ever seen me really cry.
I wish I had loving parents and a real home to go to like Isabel and Max.
The only place I used feel safe was the pod chamber; it now holds danger and
bad memories and 'your not ready to be left alone'.
If only wishes weren't just wishes. Then I wouldn't be number four.
Don't pity me.
I can take care of myself you know.
End.
Click to go Somewhere else!
Good-Tess Fic II
Bad-Tess Fic II
Alt.-Tess Fic II
Tess POV Fic II
Kyle and Tess Fic
