I keep on pressing rewind on the remote. Over and over.

I watch the climatic battle scene, the battle where Darth Vader is facing Luke Skywalker.

I watch as Darth cuts off his hand.

And I press pause when he says “Luke, I am your father.”

I shiver.

I hate it, but I look at the frozen TV screen.

And I recognize the same look of fear. Of horror. Of denial.

I have a lot in common with Luke Skywalker.

I have special powers that let me do things others can’t do. Can you create a fireball, or place mental images in someone’s head? Can you blow up rocks just by looking at them?

I can.

But I’m not a Jedi, I’m an alien.

I’m on the side of good, in a galactic scale war that nobody knows about. It’s just me, three other aliens, and five humans that know our secret.

And I have a unrequited love…just like the kind you think Luke had for Leia, back in the first movie, when you had absolutely no clue that they were related. At least I didn’t, the first time I watched this movie, when Kyle forced me to, a couple of weeks ago.

And I have a mother from the other side.

For Vanessa Whitaker, in another life, on another planet, was my mother.

Obviously, I was the one who caused everything to go wrong.

I must be a curse.

****

You wonder how a person, or any being could hurt their young. Purposely. If I had a child, no one would ever harm it. I would rather die than have anyone hurt a child of mine. And I would never, ever, personally hurt him or her.

Never.

I know how it feels.

For as long as I could remember, I’ve wished for a family.

Not just Max, Michael, and Isabel…but for a Mom.

Nasedo was a Dad figure…not the kind I needed or wanted…but at least he took some care of me. A roof over my head, shoes on my feet, food in my stomach.

I really wanted a mother.

Someone would tell me bedtime stories, hold me when I couldn’t sleep, give me advice about boys and stuff.

Someone would be my friend.

What did I get?

An enemy alien.

****

I shouldn’t have gone.

Looking back on it, it was just a trap.

Just a note… “If you want to know about the past….meet me at Fred’s.”

I wasn’t going to go….but I did.

Curiosity nearly killed this cat.

I got out of my car…. And went into the café.

I don’t know why I went there, and I cant tell you why I went there alone. But I did.

I remember somebody grabbing me.

I remember yelling.

I remember darkness.

And then I remember her.

Congresswoman Whitaker. Liz’s boss.

Standing there, so prim. So perfect. So proud.

And she interrogated me.

Spat at me when I didn’t know the answer.

Told me what a disgrace I was - being Vilandra….not following through with what I should have….a terrible mistake.

Then, to make things worse, she connected with me.

And suddenly, she drew back.

At first she gazed at me with an expression I can only describe as wonder.

And then she got this smirk on her face.

This awful, smug, smirk.

If I could have moved my legs, I would have kicked her or ran.

But I couldn’t. I just had to sit there, with her smirking at me.

“So you aren’t Vilandra.” She says, walking around me in a circle. “You’re the disappointment.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You are our plant…our double agent, who turned out to be loyal to the other side. A major disappointment…to your people…your friends…your family…your mother.”

“You didn’t know my mother. You don’t know anything about me.” My body hurt so much. I’d never hurt before. Why did I hurt? What did I do to deserve this? What?

“On the contrary…Tess…is that your name? I know your mother. I know your mother very well. On our home planet, I was your mother.”

“No” I said. It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. “I’m not a Skin!”

She shook her head, and got up right in my face. “My dear, the only difference between you and me is that your Earthly body came from superior technology. You got the good stuff. I got the crappy, out of date husk theory. You don’t deserve that body.”

“If I’m one of you, why was I sent?”

“Because my dear, I set you up to marry King Zan. You were to be his loving wife, but ultimately help us put your brother, Kivar, on the throne where he rightly belonged. You silly sap” She spat. “You actually fell in love with him. Refused to betray him. Luckily, Vilandra fell right into our clutches…the silly girl was stupid enough to think Kivar would like the likes of her.”

My head spun. Information overload.

“What do you want?” I moaned.

“Tell me where the granolith is.”

“Granolith?”

“Yes. We need it to survive…the skins. Without it, we can’t live past 50 years…”

“I don’t know where it is.” I shook my head. “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

She got right up in my face. “Not even for your own mother?”

I felt like Luke Skywalker, caught in that free fall, not knowing if anyone would catch me.

“Especially not.”

****

When we went to Copper Summit, we stayed in my mother’s house.

My mother.

This is the house where Vanessa Whitaker grew up…or at least where she lived for awhile. I don’t know if Skins age or not.

There was a picture of her, up on the mantle.

I took it down, and was looking at it.

Ida, her mother, caught me looking at it.

Was Ida really her mother? Was Ida my grandmother?

And I wished that my mother wasn’t dead.

Why is my life so hopelessly messed up?

******

Sometimes I wonder if there is dark inside of me.

Sometimes I want to shut out the sun in my world. I want to embrace the darkness.

I’m scared to follow the light.

Can I?

Will I just ruin the mission, or the reason we are here in the first place?

I’m an accident.

I thought I had meaning, a reason, a purpose.

How can I fight with them when I’m part of another race?

When I’m the enemy?

Should I go away? Just leave?

Or should I do as Luke did, and face the darkness?

Would I be able to come out on top?

I wish I knew.

So I’m watching “The Empire Strikes Back”.

Odds are I’ll continue until the next prequel comes out, and Anakin falls to the dark side.

I may end up being Darth Vader, the villain,

Or Luke Skywalker, the hero.