Track their relationship from the beginning . . .
Track their relationship from the beginning . . .
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2.01 Skin and Bones
2.02 Ask Not
2.03 Surprise
2.04 Summer of '47
2.05 The End of the World
2.06 The Harvest
2.07 Wipe Out!
2.08 Meet the Dupes
2.09 Max in the City
2.10 A Roswell Christmas Carol
2.11 To Serve and Protect
2.12 We Are Family
2.13 Disturbing Behavior
2.14 How The Other Half Lives
2.15 Viva Las Vegas
2.16 This Heart of Mine
2.17 Cry Your Name
2.18 It's Too Late and It's Too Bad
2.19 Baby It's You
2.20 Off the Menu
2.21 Departure
MARIA: Max, little advice. The girl goes off to some aunt in Florida for the entire summer and barely says good-bye to you. In layman's terms, she blew you off big time. I mean, and look at you. Look, you're like a groveling dog. (in a whiny voice) Have you heard from Liz today? Did Liz call? (end whiny voice) No. That's no good. Look, you've gotta play it cool, all right? Let her come to you.
MAX: Let her come to me.
MARIA: That's what I'd do.
MAX: Wait. Didn't you just tell me that you left like 5 messages for Michael in the past 2 days?
MARIA: What's your point?
MARIA: So, I hear ex-cons are really great in bed.
MICHAEL: I thought we agreed that it was over between us.
MARIA: You agreed, and then you avoided me the entire summer.
MICHAEL: Well, it is.
MARIA: Why? 'Cause you're destined to be with Isabel?
MICHAEL: No. I don't buy that. Because I'm destined to be the soldier, and a soldier can't have some chick at home waiting for him.
MARIA: Michael, half the movies ever made are about soldiers with chicks waiting at home for them.
MICHAEL: Well, be that as it may...
MARIA: I miss you, Michael.
MICHAEL: I know, but don't.
(Episode starts inside the Crashdown. Isabel, Maria, Tess, and Liz are dressed in dancing clothes and are getting into a dancing groove. Isabel sets up the music by using her powers on some CDs. The scene flashes back and forth from the party at the Crashdown to Max, who is running to the Crashdown as fast as he can to inform everyone of what happened to Nasedo)
MARIA: He's watching, isn't he?
(Liz looks at Michael, who is stealing glances at Maria. She nods to Maria)
MARIA: I knew he couldn't resist. Come on.
(Maria stops by to check up on the cake)
MARIA: How's the cake coming?
COURTNEY: It's coming.
MICHAEL (to Courtney): Maybe you should finish it.
(Michael leaves and Maria and Courtney start arguing over him)
MARIA: Michael. Taken. Or haven't you noticed?
COURTNEY: I noticed he didn't make this cake for you.
MARIA: It's not my birthday.
COURTNEY: Small detail.
(Alex comes in and starts lamenting about how his striptease dance turned out)
ALEX: You know, I can't believe I let you talk me into that!
MARIA: Me and Michael go way back.
ALEX: That was the most humiliating experience of my life!
COURTNEY: You sew your name into the back of his jeans?
MARIA: You'll never find out.
ALEX: I did a striptease in front of her mother! Are you listening to me?
MARIA: One nipple does not constitute a striptease, Alex.
ALEX: She saw my nipple? Oh, God.
COURTNEY: Chill out, NYPD blue.
ALEX: Chill out? Chill out? I spent $150 to rent this costume. And do you have any idea how it feels to walk around all day with a thong up your ass?
MARIA & COURTNEY: Yes.
(Maria pulls up in the Jetta just as Michael has his hands on Courtney's shoulders)
MARIA: Michael, we got to go. Isabel's in trouble.
(Maria walks up to Michael)
MARIA: Hey. New gel? So, um, Portishead tickets went on sale this morning. Did you get my messages?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
(Michael keeps walking)
MAX: Nice.
MICHAEL: Hey, our agenda involves the four of us. There is no time for distractions.
(Back to present-day Roswell. Hal and Michael are at the Crashdown eating lunch)
MARIA: Would you like some fries with that shake?
HAL: Give me another one, sweet cheeks.
MARIA: That'll be your third banana split, sir.
MICHAEL: What are you, the dairy police? We're in the middle of a story here.
MARIA: Oh, yeah, I'm not the one sitting next to an ancient gastrointestinal tract, pally.
HAL: Get the check. I'll tell you the rest later.
MICHAEL: You're gonna be at the reunion later.
HAL: To tell you the truth, kid, I don't know if I want to go anymore.
MICHAEL: The day's young. We'll go hit some of your old haunts.
HAL: Well, you got wheels?
(Michael goes into the back and asks Maria for a favor)
MICHAEL: I need a favor.
MARIA: First off, phone protocol works like this. Ready? Messenger leaves message. Then messengee calls back unless messengee is deathly ill, grounded, or just a jerk.
MICHAEL: Look, I came in here because...
MARIA: I would like to think that I've been patient, the epitome of restraint...but for God's sake, Michael, she's not even a real blonde.
MICHAEL: Who?
MARIA: Let me set the scene for you, all right? You. Courtney. The dark alley back there. Me controlling the urge to spew.
MICHAEL: Look, this whole jealousy thing is getting a little tired. Just accept the fact that I'm an alien. You're human. Our lives do not mix.
MARIA: Well, you made the exception for bottle job and old man river out there.
MICHAEL: Ok, that man out there knows stuff about the '47 crash. All right? Stuff specific to me. Ok. So I want to take him around. I want to jog his memory, and to do that, I need the Jetta.
MARIA: I'm sorry. When humans need rides, they take Jettas. And when aliens need rides, they take spaceships. Oh! Find one.
MICHAEL: Hey, Maria...hanging out with this guy is gonna help him a lot more than it's gonna help me. Can't you just make an old guy's day?
MARIA: You know what? I am only doing this because I forever regretted not saying good-bye to Breepa De Luca before he died.
MICHAEL: Put lunch on my tab, and don't forget the senior discount.
MARIA: Jerk!
(Michael has brought Maria to the granilith chamber)
MICHAEL: Meet the reason I haven't been returning your phone calls.
MARIA: My God. What is it?
MICHAEL: I don't know...but eventually I'm hoping we can find out.
MARIA: "We?" You didn't even choke on that.
MICHAEL: Well, today I had a little history lesson, and here's the thing...I owe more to you than I can imagine. To Liz, Alex, Valenti, to some old guy named Hal who lives in Tampa and plays shuffleboard. I never realized it...so here it is.
(Michael holds out both hands to Maria)
MICHAEL: Thank you.
(Maria places her hands in Michael's)
MARIA: You're welcome. What's wrong?
MICHAEL: You know those pods that housed Max, Isabel, Tess, and me?
MARIA: Yeah, before you were born?
MICHAEL: Well, there's another set of them, and they're somewhere out there.
(Episode ends with Michael and Maria standing in the granilith chamber)
(In present day Roswell, Maria is driving Liz and Alex to Madame Vivian's place)
LIZ: I'm so confused.
ALEX: I'm so depressed.
MARIA: Wimps.
LIZ: Max keeps coming to my window and telling me he wants to be with me again, but I know it's...it can never work out.
ALEX: Isabel, she gave me another one of those "Alex, you're such a great friend" speeches. It made me want to puke.
MARIA: I have Michael Guerin. He's mine. You should have seen his face when he apologized to me. His eyes were practically begging me to take his sorry ass back. I have so landed him for once and for all...I think.
LIZ: Where are you taking us, anyway?
MARIA: Mmm. To a place where all of our questions will finally be answered. She'll tell us where our future lies with our hybrid freaks. She's a prophet. My mom lives her whole life based on her advice.
ALEX: And this is a recommendation?
(Maria's turn. She asks about Michael)
PSYCHIC: This boy...very volatile.
MARIA: That's good for sex, right?
PSYCHIC: This relationship will not endure.
MARIA: Look, lady, I am not necessarily looking to tie the knot myself, but do I at least have a few months?
PSYCHIC: 48 hours, tops.
MARIA: 48 hours? Ok, are they a good 48 hours?
(At the Crashdown, Maria tells Michael about Madame Vivian's prediction)
MARIA: We need to talk.
MICHAEL: Talk?
MARIA: Yeah, about our relationship.
MICHAEL: You gotta be joking me.
MARIA: Some stupid psychic told me that the next 48 hours are critical, so could you just try not to be a bonehead? Is that, like, a possibility?
(Courtney enters)
MARIA: No waitresses in the kitchen.
COURTNEY: Hey, Mikey G. You got my order yet?
MICHAEL: Yeah, right there.
COURTNEY: Takeoff Tacos, Plutonium Platter, and the Greek God salad, light on the feta. You're such a good boy.
(Courtney slaps Mikey G on the butt, then leaves)
MICHAEL: She put in that order before I got busy.
MARIA: Ok, give it up, Guerin. What's going on with her?
MICHAEL: Yeah, that's exactly what I want to know.
MARIA: Michael.
MICHAEL: I don't trust her.
MARIA: Hmm. Neither do I.
MICHAEL: I mean, there's something going on with her. Another new face in town. Arrived this summer after the signal went out. Her picture was in Whitaker's office. Constantly hanging around me, always giving me these looks.
MARIA: So, do you think she's an alien?
MICHAEl: Or with the government. I don't know.
MARIA: Well, I'll tell you what I know, Mikey G. The slut wants in your pants.
MICHAEL: That might work. Oh, nice.
MARIA: What might work, Michael?
(Courtney steps into the bathroom to take a shower. Michael starts snooping around. He opens a cabinet and finds it completely filled with skin lotion. Suddenly, he hears a noise from the window. It's Maria)
MICHAEL: What the hell are you doing here?
MARIA: Investigating Courtney. What are you doing here, hound?
MICHAEL: No, I'm investigating Courtney. Get out of here.
MARIA: No, no, no. I found a picture of you, Max, and Isabel in her locker, and your face was circled.
MICHAEL: No way.
COURTNEY (from bathroom): Maybe you should put on some tunes, baby.
MARIA: Bastard.
MICHAEL: I had to get her out of the room somehow.
MICHAEL (to Courtney): Good idea, baby.
MARIA: I...I'm gonna retch.
MICHAEL: Ok, I've got the situation under control, so get out of here...seriously.
MARIA: If you lay one hand on her...
MICHAEL: No one is laying anything on anyone.
COURTNEY (from bathroom): By the way, you are an amazing kisser.
(Maria thwaps Michael on the head)
MARIA: You obviously came here for 2 reasons, huh?
(Courtney comes out of the bathroom dressed in a towel)
COURTNEY: Is somebody here?
(Maria hands Courtney a hair piece)
MARIA (to Courtney): Um...here. You left that at work.
MARIA (to Michael): And umm...remember how I said we had 48 hours? That was...that was way too optimistic. We're done.
(Maria leaves)
MICHAEL (to Courtney): I'm gonna go.
(Alex is looking for Maria at the Crashdown and finds her in the back, ripping apart photos of Michael)
ALEX: Maria.
MARIA: Can you just wait outside for a second?
ALEX: Sure.
(Maria is sobbing)
ALEX: Maria, what's wrong?
MARIA: Could you just get out of here?
ALEX: What happened?
MARIA: I found this picture of Michael in Courtney's locker...like some sort of surveillance photo or something.
ALEX: Oh, my God. Is he all right?
MARIA: Yeah, he's all right. Actually, he's terrific. I was worried about him, so I went all the way across town to save his ass, and I get there, and...he's already there, and so is Courtney...in a towel.
ALEX: Maria.
(Max immediately goes to Maria for advice)
MARIA: You just want me to tell you that it's all gonna work out, right?
MAX: No. I want to hear what you have to say.
MARIA: Ok. Here's what I think...give Liz up. Leave her alone. All this is leading nowhere. None of us belong with any of you. And I'm really sick of how much it's screwing us up. I mean, look at us. We're pathetic.
(Later, at the Crashdown, Maria spies Liz glumly gazing from the back room into the main Crashdown area)
MARIA: What's wrong?
LIZ: Uh...nothing.
MARIA: You look upset, Liz.
LIZ: I...I just can't talk about it. Oh, I heard about Michael and Courtney.
MARIA: What gets me is that...that Madame Vivian bitch was right. Granted, Michael is the world's worst boyfriend. I know that. You know that. America knows that. But when I caught them together...that look of guilt on his face...I've never felt so awful, Liz.
LIZ: Oh, my God.
MARIA: I know. I mean, I guess it's a good thing, you know? 'Cause...when I saw that, I realized there was nothing he could do to make up for it. I know it's over.
(Alex stops by at Michael's apartment)
MICHAEL: What's up?
ALEX: Nothing. Nothing at all.
MICHAEL: Well, I was kinda watching the game, so if you got something on your mind...
(Alex grabs the remote and turns off the TV)
ALEX: Do you have any idea what you've done to Maria?
MICHAEL: Dude, it was a misunderstanding.
ALEX: Look. I don't care that you've got 30 pounds on me or...or that you can kill me with some...some twisted alien power. I will not let you treat her like that. I...I don't care that Isabel treats me like crap, but no one does that to Maria, all right? She's not just some girl!
MICHAEL: You gotta believe me...I have nothing...
(Courtney happens to stop by at that moment)
COURTNEY: Knock knock.
(Alex turns around and nails Michael in the face. Alex immediately starts wincing)
ALEX: Ow!
MICHAEL: You realize you just risked your life?
ALEX: Yeah.
MICHAEL: You're a really good friend, man.
ALEX: Call me that again, and I'll really kick your ass.
(Alex leaves)
COURTNEY: Are you ok?
MICHAEL: Yeah. I'm fine.
(Michael and Courtney start making out again. Michael reaches around to her back and peels off a piece of skin)
MICHAEL: You're a skin? Stop!
(Michael fires his alien power at Courtney, who makes a quick escape out the window)
MARIA: You ok?
LIZ: Oh, I didn't get much sleep last night.
MARIA: You look like you got your heart stomped out. No, wait...that would be me. Well, if it's possible, you look worse.
(Michael walks up to Maria)
MICHAEL: Hey.
MARIA: Whatever, dude.
MICHAEL: No, I have something to tell you.
MARIA: I'm not interested.
MICHAEL: Hey, it's about Courtney.
MARIA: I am so not interested.
MICHAEL: Hey, will you just listen to me?
MARIA: You listen to me here. She made a play for you, and you went for it. So, what? Now she's screwed you over and you've come to realize she's a cheap, manipulative tramp? Well, this is not news to me.
MICHAEL: She's an alien. A skin, like Whitaker.
MAX: Where's Courtney now?
MICHAEL: I don't know. She went out the window. I tried chasing her...
MARIA: But it's hard to run with your pants around your ankles?
TESS: Settle the personal crap on your own time.
(Meanwhile, Michael and Maria investigate Courtney's apartment)
MARIA: Michael! I feel like we're Scully and Mulder or something.
MICHAEL: Shhh. Would you shut up?
MARIA: Ok.
MICHAEL: Nobody's home.
(Maria finds some CDs)
MARIA: Culture Club? Wham? The Backstreet Boys? God, she really is an alien, this one.
MICHAEL: A little help here?
MARIA: Fine. What are we looking for?
MICHAEL: Clues? You know...an address book or a calendar somewhere.
MARIA: Of course. Like she's gonna write her hideout in an address book, oh ho!
MICHAEL: Hey, are you just gonna rag on me or are you gonna help?
(Maria finds a piece of shedded skin)
MARIA: Michael...What is this?
MICHAEL: That's why they call 'em skins. She's shedding.
MARIA: Eww, it's so gross! Eww! How did you figure out she was a skin, anyway?
MICHAEL: I saw part of her skin come off.
MARIA: Which part?
MICHAEL: When are you gonna get off this?
MARIA: Not for a very, very long time, Mikey G.
MICHAEL: There's nothing going on between me and Courtney.
(Maria and Michael resume their search. Maria finds something and screams)
MARIA: Ohh! Ohh!
(Michael rushes over to help Maria. He and Maria see a Michael shrine in the closet. There are numerous pictures of him, as well as some of his belongings)
MICHAEL: That's the shirt I lost at work. What the hell is this?
MARIA: It's Graceland...and you're Elvis.
MICHAEL: Wow.
MARIA: Wow? Is that all you can say right now, is "wow"? She's obsessed with you. She's, like, an alien stalker. She's been spying on you for weeks. She's been dreaming about you, fantasizing about you...
MICHAEL: Hey, shut up for a second. Take a look at the pictures. They were all shot from the apartment across the street from my building.
MARIA: So? Oh! That's where she goes to spy on you.
MICHAEL: Yep.
MARIA: Ohh.
(Michael and Maria are staking out the building across the street from Michael's apartment)
MARIA: This isn't gonna work. She's not just gonna stroll up to her hideout while we're sitting here watching her.
MICHAEL: This was your idea.
MARIA: That's not the way I remember it.
MICHAEL: Ok, so now it's my fault.
MARIA: Yes. You know what? Just to make things simpler, from now on you should consider everything to be your fault, ok? Ok.
MICHAEL: Well, I know one way to make the time go faster.
MARIA: Oh, funny.
MICHAEL: I know.
MARIA: But if we can talk reality here for a second, I think she booked. Out of town.
MICHAEL: No dice. She wouldn't do that. She's obsessed with me.
MARIA: Well, I guess that makes 2 of you, then, doesn't it?
MICHAEL: She'll show up sooner or later.
COURTNEY: How 'bout sooner?
(Michael and Maria turn around to see Courtney in front of them. Michael immediately goes into his energy blast pose)
COURTNEY: Whoa! Hey, truce.
MICHAEL: Don't move.
COURTNEY: Don't worry. I won't. You're watching the building. You figured out where I'd be from the pictures. That's very good, Mikey G. You're everything I thought you'd be and more.
MARIA: Oh, please! Do your lips not get chapped from all the ass-kissing?
MICHAEL: Sit down.
COURTNEY: Anything you say.
MICHAEL: So you're a skin, like Whitaker.
COURTNEY: How'd you get on to Whitaker?
MARIA: We're asking the questions here, ok? Now, why are you in Roswell? Where's the rest of your evil army? And most of all, why are you obsessed with my good-looking, if badly groomed boyfriend?
COURTNEY: I'm not obsessed with him, ok? I follow him in the...political sense.
MARIA: Our leader?
COURTNEY: We're not with the other skins. We're renegades who believe that if you were in charge instead of Max in the first place, that none of this would have ever happened.
MICHAEL: What are you talking about? In charge of what?
COURTNEY: Our planet, Michael. You don't remember any of this, do you?
MICHAEL: Suppose you tell me.
MARIA: Yeah, the short version, please.
COURTNEY: The short version...is that our planet was on the brink of a golden age, and then it all fell apart. You were the one who could have united our planet, pulled together the warring factions, brought peace. But you weren't on the throne.
MICHAEL: Max.
COURTNEY: You wouldn't betray him. That loyalty cost your lives and those of everyone you loved. Please, just don't let history repeat itself. You're the one we need. You're our leader, our salvation.
MARIA: Michael, if you can hear me now over the sound of your rapidly inflating ego, could you please tell me that you do not believe what this...this Michael-worshipper here has to say?
MICHAEL: No...no...no way. No, this is just part of your plan to divide and conquer.
COURTNEY: I knew you weren't ready to hear this.
MICHAEL: What's in Copper Summit, Arizona?
COURTNEY: Copper Summit's just some old tourist trap.
MICHAEL: What's there?
COURTNEY: I'd stay away from there.
MICHAEL: Why?
MARIA: Yeah, why?
COURTNEY: Let's just say there aren't any Michael-worshippers in Copper Summit.
(Michael, and Maria, and Courtney are on their way to Copper Summit)
COURTNEY: This is a huge mistake. You're gonna get yourself killed.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, that's my problem.
COURTNEY: I didn't spend 50 years finding you so that you could throw your life away out of misplaced loyalty.
MARIA: 50 years.
COURTNEY: Yeah, we came here in 1950. Do the math.
MARIA: So, what? That would make you 65, 70? You're old enough to be Michael's grandmother. I just...I love that. I do.
COURTNEY: Hey, husks don't age.
MARIA: Husks?
COURTNEY: Yeah, me. My skin...this thing that I'm wearing. It never ages.
MARIA: What is your point?
COURTNEY: The point is, I've been a babe for 50 years. What are you gonna look like in 50 years from now?
MICHAEL: Would you two let it go? You're giving me a headache.
ISABEL: Everyone's gone.
MICHAEL: Every human. Whoever's doing this is trying to single us out.
(Liz and Maria arrive at the Crashdown)
COURTNEY: Well, there goes that theory.
MARIA: Michael!
LIZ: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's worth a try. We need, like, some vitamins and minerals and...and nutrients.
MARIA: Ok. We've got ginko, bee pollen, echinacea, C, D, E, calcium, St. John's wort, and Pamprin. What? I was dating Michael Guerin.
MICHAEL: You think she'll be ok?
MAX: I don't know. You and Courtney have gotten close.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MAX: How's Maria feel about that?
MICHAEL: Why do you care? You've never been interested in my social circles before.
MAX: You were never sleeping with the enemy before.
MICHAEL: And I'm not now.
MAX: Then why was she at your apartment this morning?
MICHAEL: 'Cause she wanted to show me how the husk fit. That's it.
MAX: Good.
MARIA: Um...I know how you hate when things get all goopy, so...
MICHAEL: Yeah. So I'll see you soon.
MARIA (laughing, disbelieving): Yeah.
MICHAEL (firmly): No. I will.
(Maria leaves)
(At the Crashdown)
MARIA: And don't forget the pepperjack. Guy's nuts about his pepperjack.
MICHAEL: Yeah. All right.
MARIA: Oh, Max called. He said that he wants to have a meeting with everybody Saturday night.
MICHAEL: No. I can't make that.
MARIA: Really?
MICHAEL: Yeah. I got big plans. I can't change 'em.
MARIA: That is so sweet.
MICHAEL: Sweet? It's the dirt bike finals.
MARIA: Hello? I'm singing on Saturday at the new performance space next to the museum!
MICHAEL: Yeah. But I've heard you sing before. What's the big deal?
(Maria delivers the sandwich to Brody at the UFO Center)
BRODY: Hi.
MARIA: Galaxy Sub. Hold the mayo.
BRODY: Thank you very much.
MARIA: Is there pepperjack in that sandwich?
BRODY: Uh...no. Doesn't appear to be.
MARIA: I just...I can't believe it! I cannot believe it!
BRODY: It's ok, really.
MARIA: No. No, it's not ok. You ordered pepperjack. You have the right to expect pepperjack. This is...this is unacceptable is what it is!
BRODY: It's just cheese.
MARIA: No, it's not just cheese.
BRODY: But it's a very small thing.
MARIA: Yes. It is a very small thing, and that's why a person who can't even get the cheese right does not deserve to live!
BRODY: Wow. You take your job very seriously.
(In another room in the UFO Center, Liz and Maria are having a discussion)
MARIA: Ok. So duplicate Michael kissed you, and you decided not to tell me this very pertinent fact?
LIZ: No, I wanted to tell you, I just...I couldn't...
MARIA: But you thought, hey, it's just Michael slipping me the tongue. There's nothing unusual about that...
LIZ: Maria, it's not Michael.
MARIA: But you didn't know that then, Liz!
LIZ: Can't you get over it? I'm sorry.
BRODY: Now who can explain what you're all doing here?
(Maria saves the day by asking Brody to breakfast)
MARIA: Hi.
BRODY: Hi!
MARIA: Um...you know how you asked about lunch?
BRODY: Uh-huh.
MARIA: Well, how do you feel about having a little breakfast?
BRODY: Stay as long as you like.
(Brody and Maria leave)
RATH: You want me to kill him for you?
MICHAEL: I'll get back to you on that.
BRODY: Do you believe in aliens?
MARIA: Why not? I'm dating one. I'm kidding. Of course. Heh.
MICHAEL (to Maria): Hey, we're, uh, outta here.
MARIA: Thanks for helping. So sweet of you.
2.10 A Roswell Christmas Carol
MICHAEL: Come on. I got to get to the hardware store before it closes. I got to get Maria her present.
MAX: Why? Are you gonna get her a ratchet set?
MICHAEL: Never mind. I'm under a lot of pressure. She's been busting my ass for weeks about this present. She says it's got to be significant.
MAX: Then you might want to steer clear of the hardware store.
(Scene switches to the Crashdown. Michael rings the bell and Maria goes up to the counter expecting to pick up an order)
MICHAEL: I need to talk to you.
MARIA: Yes, spaceboy?
MICHAEL: We got 3 days til Christmas, and I'm working every day until then.
MARIA: And?
MICHAEL: I was wondering if it was necessary to exchange presents on Christmas day.
MARIA: Need a little wiggle room?
MICHAEL: If that would be all right. I mean, what's a couple days? You know, I figure we can make a date for the 27th or 28th.
MARIA: Sure. No problem. How about the, uh, second week of january? I mean, what is Christmas but some arbitrary day. What is it again? Oh, yes. The birthday of our lord and savior. It's no big deal.
MICHAEL: So, that's cool?
MARIA: You give me that damn present on December 25th, or I'll never speak to you again.
(Switch to the inside of the UFO Center. Maria has brought Brody's usual lunch for him and is looking around for him)
MARIA: Hello? Brody?
BRODY: Maria. Hi.
MARIA: Ok. Flash update on my non-boyfriend Michael Guerin. First of all, he had no intention of buying me a Christmas present, right? Then, he tried...
BRODY: Maria. I'm sorry. This just really isn't a good time.
(Switch to the hardware store. Michael shows Isabel the present he's going to give to Maria - an electric toothbrush)
ISABEL: This is a toothbrush.
MICHAEL: It's an electric toothbrush. It's practical.
ISABEL: It is practical. Are you gonna give it to Maria as a stocking stuffer?
MICHAEL: Hell no. This is gonna be her present. She set a price limit. If I exceed that budget, then there's gonna be hell to pay.
ISABEL: Actually I think Maria would find it in her heart to forgive you for exceeding the price limit, though there would be hell to pay if you gave the girl you love an electric toothbrush for Christmas. You're better off getting her no gift at all.
MICHAEL: No. I tried the "no present" idea last year. It didn't work.
ISABEL: Last year was your first year together, and you didn't give her a present?
MICHAEL: Hey, I don't even believe in this, so why should I get sucked into it? The whole thing's a marketing scam invented to make people buy things they don't even need.
ISABEL: Well, you could write that on the card when you give her a dental product for Christmas.
MICHAEL: So, what should I get her?
ISABEL: Okay, look. Go home. Think about all that you and Maria have shared, all that she means to you. Then start coming up with some ideas, ok? A Christmas gift should be personal, thoughtful, and something someone would never get herself.
(Switch to Michael's apartment. Michael is fixing up a bumper. Isabel comes in with her arms full of presents)
MICHAEL: It's a bumper.
ISABEL: Yes, I see that.
MICHAEL: For a Jetta.
ISABEL: Hmmm. How did what I said yesterday result in this?
MICHAEL: It meets all your criteria. It's personal, because I personally know what a bug she has up her ass about how much we screwed up her car. It's thoughtful, because I had to go to the junkyard and get it, and it's something she would never get herself for the obvious reason that her bumper's been hanging from a string for the past half-year.
ISABEL: Ok, Michael. This is what I'm gonna do. I am going to take the Christmas dog show off my calendar and take you shopping and rectify this situation.
MICHAEL: No. I'm not gonna get obsessed over this present. This is fine. I'm not gonna make everyone else around me miserable.
(Switch to Michael's apartment. Maria goes there to look for him to talk about what happened in Phoenix)
MARIA: Spaceboy...
(Michael, who has been polishing the bumper, quickly covers it as Maria walks towards him)
MICHAEL: What's up?
MARIA: I just wanted to let you know that I heard about what you did for Sydney and those children.
MICHAEL: Thank Max. I was against it.
MARIA: This whole...thing with Sydney has made me realize how stupid I've been about this gift thing. I don't need a gift.
MICHAEL: I actually got you one.
MARIA: You did? Really?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MARIA: Yea, I'm so excited. What is that smell?
(Maria pulls off the covering to the bumper)
MICHAEL: No, it's not...it's not dry yet.
MARIA: Is that a bumper? It...it's a bumper.
MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARIA: Is that, like, a Jetta bumper?
MICHAEL: Not yet, but it's gonna be.
MARIA: Michael...that is so thoughtful.
MICHAEL: That's what I keep saying.
MARIA: I mean, my bumper has been hanging...
MICHAEL: From a string. I know.
MARIA: And I...I would have never, you know...
MICHAEL: Got one for yourself. Exactly. So...merry Christmas.
MARIA: Thank you, Michael. Thank you. So you want to exchange gifts now?
MICHAEL: Huh?
MARIA: Are one of those for me? One of those are for me.
MICHAEL: Yes, I'll go get it.
MARIA: Ok, which one? Is...is it the big one?
MICHAEL: Turn around.
(Michael walks over to the pile of presents and rummages through them, wondering which one of Isabel's gifts he will give to Maria. Near the bottom, though, there is a present with a note on it - "Michael, just in case. Love, The Christmas Nazi". Michael smiles, removes the note, and walks back to Maria and hands her the present)
MICHAEL: Merry Christmas.
MARIA: Whoo-hoo-hoo. What is it? What is it?
MICHAEL: That's a good question. Now remember, I was in Phoenix saving lives, so I was a little strapped for time.
MARIA: Ok.
MICHAEL (silently): Oh, please, God.
MARIA: Michael...these are real pearls.
MICHAEL: What?!? Wow! Of course.
MARIA: My God, this must have cost you a fortune.
MICHAEL: I'm sure they will.
MARIA: These are the most beautiful earrings I've ever seen, but I don't need this gift. This year my gift is you.
(Maria hugs Michael tightly)
MICHAEL: So you don't want the earrings, then?
MARIA: Oh, no. I'll keep the earrings.
(Michael lets out a huge sigh of relief)
MAX: You're going to midnight service? You don't believe in anything.
MICHAEL: Gotta hedge your bets, Maxwell. I've had my prayers answered twice in the past 2 days. Don't ask. You ok?
None from this episode.
None from this episode.
(They watch as Laurie is led out of the station, still struggling, and strapped to a guerney. She's then loaded into an ambulance which takes off. Michael and Maria follow in the Jetta)
MARIA: (glancing over at Michael as he's driving) So just to put this out there, I'm assuming that we're back together again?
MICHAEL: I'm not going to get into this relationship stuff right now.
MARIA: You don't have to. Actually, I'd prefer that you didn't say anything at all. I'm just telling you that if we're chasing down some crazy girl in the middle of the night, the only reason that I'd do something so nuts is because you and I were dating again.
MICHAEL: Whatever.
MARIA: I told you not to say anything.
AMY: Uh, hello?
MARIA: (puzzled) Hello?
AMY: That's right. This is your mother. I confiscated Liz's phone. Where are you?
MARIA: I-I'm still in New Mexico, Mom.
AMY: Oh, that's cute. Where are you?
MARIA: On our way to Arizona.
AMY: Why?
MARIA: We're--we're being free spirits, mom.
AMY: That means you're going to Sedona to get stoned and have sex in the hills?
MARIA: Mom!
AMY: Do you think I wasn't seventeen once? Do you think I didn't do crazy, stupid things with a really bad boy when I was your age?
MARIA: Yes, I know you did, Mom -- Dad.
AMY: Let me talk to him.
MARIA: No. Why?
AMY: Put him on the phone now!
MARIA: She wants to talk to you.
MICHAEL: (trying to push the phone away) What? No! Get it-- are you cra-- Hey, Mrs. DeLuca.
AMY: Michael, I want you to listen to me very, very carefully. On this glorious, rebellious, lost weekend of yours, you will take care of my daughter. You will protect her and be kind to her, and she will have fun. You will not get matching tattoos, and you will not allow her to pierce any part of her body that cannot be shown in polite company. [Sniffles] And, Michael, if you have sex with my daughter, I will hunt you down and kill you like the mangy dog you are. Okay?
MICHAEL: Okay.
AMY: Call me if you need bail money.
MARIA: What'd she say?
MICHAEL: [Sighs] she wants you to have fun.
[Scene: Dupree Dining Room. Maria is tenderly tending to Michael’s shoulder wound.]
MARIA: Brave...[Kiss on the forehead] Handsome...[Kiss on the nose] hero...[Kiss on the lips]. [Dark Ilk’s comments: J to all the Candygals out there! J]
MICHAEL: [Wincing slightly at the pain] Wounded hero. I gotta get back to Roswell...let Maxwell work on that shoulder.
MARIA: Alright, whenever you’re ready, Spaceboy.
MICHAEL: Maria, let me ask you something.
MARIA: Mm.
MICHAEL: [Obviously having a lot on his mind] What would you think if Laurie moved in with me? [Maria’s face registers shock, but she holds her tongue as he continues] I mean, like we said, she’s kind of my sister.
MARIA: She is.
MICHAEL: Yeah...but after all she’s been through, she probably needs some peace and quiet.
MARIA: Probably.
MICHAEL: And a chance to get away from all the alien stuff and...if she lived with me...well...I’m kinda a magnet for the intergalactic trouble.
MARIA: Yeah…
MICHAEL: What’s gonna happen to her? We can’t leave her here with these freaks.
MARIA: Well, that’s something we can handle. All we need is a lawyer. [She kisses him]
MARIA (giving intro review to episode): All right, what you need to know about them. They have special powers, of course. They use Tabasco sauce by the crate. And trying to have a relationship with them, it's like suicide. I mean it... it's like typical bad relationship stuff, but even weirder.
MARIA (trying to convince him to let her go on the trip to Las Vegas): Come on. Nobody can spend money like I can spend money. You need me on this trip, Michael.
MICHAEL: All right, tag along. But you are coming in a completely professional capacity only. This isn't some kissy-kissy romantic retreat. I have stuff to do.
MARIA: (Very happy) Thank you, thank you. (she kisses him on the cheek)
MICHAEL: Hey, hey. Don't go telling everybody, and let's keep this low profile. Seriously!
Maria starts walking fast, and the she begins to run
MARIA: (Coming up behind them) Amazing news. I have an audition.
MICHAEL: Now, keep with me here folks I'm here to win and I don't see you.
MARIA: Hello? Don't you know what my dream has been since, like, the beginning of time? It's to start my singing career in a smoky Vegas, supper club.
Michael rolls the dice and ignores Maria
STICKMAN: 7 winner.
MICHAEL: Sweet.
MARIA: I'll be up on stage right? In front of a great band, and I'll belt out some torch songs, there'll be a spotlight, my makeup will be perfect. I'll have...
MICHAEL: Maria, we had an agreement. Beat it.
MARIA: Are you not listening to me? This could be my big break, right now. Don't you want to come, and like cheer me on, and like give me a...
STICKMAN: 7 winner.
MICHAEL: Oh! The king, ladies and gentlemen.
MARIA: Michael!
MICHAEL: Maria. I'm in the middle of something important.
Maria leaves, disgusted.
MARIA (answering phone): Honeymoon suite, Margarita speaking.
MICHAEL: Maria, it's me.
MARIA: Me who?
MICHAEL: Yeah funny.
MARIA: Do you know were I was tonight? I was auditioning to be a stripper. Little innocent me.
MICHAEL: Did you get the job?
MARIA: You don't even care. This wouldn't have happened if you have been with me.
MICHAEL: Is there someone else I can talk to?
MARIA: We are talking.
MICHAEL: No, I can't, I'm in jail with Maxwell. What you need to do is shut your trap and get down here and bail us out.
MARIA: Wait a minute. If you're in jail that means that this is your only phone call.
MICHAEL: Exactly.
Maria hangs up the phone
In the next scene we hear a band playing, people dancing, and then we see everyone, except Max and Isabel, all dressed up and seated at a table.
MARIA: Now this is the Vegas that I love.
Alex strands up and takes a picture of everyone
ALEX: All right. Smile, beautiful people. Yeah, there we go.
MARIA: (To Michael) You cleaned up nice, spaceboy. I'm sorry that he didn't make it.
MICHAEL: Well I am not. I'm thinking a cheeseburger will go down nice right now.
MARIA: You had lobster.
MICHAEL: Yeah, but I'm still hungry. I'm gonna go hit the fast food joint across the street. Green, please.
Maria takes some money out of her dress
MICHAEL: Thanks. (He walks off)
MARIA: Cheeseburger? Why do I even try?
LIZ: Well, at least he wore a tie.
MARIA: Liz, I'm worried. I plan to be a worldly woman, and how can I be, when Michael is trapped in a world of armpit farts and PlayStation? He's just so...
We hear drums rolling, they all turn around and we see Michael on the stage
MICHAEL: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you're in for a rare treat--a dream coming true. You're gonna love listening to this performer, and even though she'll never believe it, I love listening to her too.
Maria is in shock, then she smiles
MICHAEL: Please welcome to the stage... Miss Margarita Salt.
Maria starts singing as Michael watches from behind the curtains
Maria stops singing, everyone is clapping, Maria turns to Michael and motions for him to come over to her
MARIA: Thank you.
MICHAEL: You're welcome.
They kiss
Coming Soon...
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2.18 It's Too Late and It's Too Bad
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