TITLE: Some Kind of Heaven (16/22)
AUTHOR: Elizabeth (sef7881@aol.com)
WEBSITE: https://www.angelfire.com/scary/randominsanity/RandomInsanity.html
PAIRING: Viggo Mortensen/Orlando Bloom
RATING: R
SUMMARY: Surfing the net (Viggo's POV)
FEEDBACK: It's the sauce on my steak, it's the cheese in my cake
WARNINGS: None
DISCLAIMER: This story is solely a product of my twisted imagination
ARCHIVE: Help yourself, just drop me a line so I can brag to my friends
AUTHOR'S NOTES: No stories of other writers are referenced in this
chapter, nor am I intending to pass judgment on any fic genre or pairing
-- my philosophy is to write and let write. Also, I'm aware that
the actors-find-themselves-in-slash-stories idea has been the subject of
a number of other stories, but I've planned on doing this chapter for a
few months and am not trying to steal anybody's ideas
DATE WRITTEN: August 2nd, 2003
"Hey Vig, would it be okay if Elijah comes over?" Orli asks as he walks onto the patio with the cordless phone in his hand.
"It's fine with me," I shrug, tapping my pencil impatiently against the corner of my newspaper in an attempt to work through the frustration I feel towards the crossword puzzle.
"He says it's fine," Orli says into the phone. "So just come on over." There's a brief pause. "Okay, we'll see you then. Bye." He hangs up the phone and makes himself at home on my lap. "He'll be here in about forty minutes."
"And is there a reason for this Saturday afternoon visit?"
"Apparently, Lij has something to show us -- but he refuses to say what it is."
I narrow my eyes. "Do you think we're being set up?"
Orli laughs and runs a hand through his hair. "I wouldn't put it past the tricksy hobbit, but I doubt it." He looks down at the newspaper. "How's the puzzle coming?"
"Not very well."
"Maybe I can help. Let's see . . ." He picks up the paper and studies it for a minute. "Okay, I'm looking for a seven-letter word for 'pleasure'." He grins. "That's easy -- 'blow job'."
I chuckle. "Technically, that's two words. And besides, from what I've already filled in, I know that it starts with an 'e'. So I'm guessing that the correct word is 'ecstasy'."
"Oh, this is no fun. Why don't they make pervy crossword puzzles?" Orli tosses the paper back onto the table and sighs. "So what should we do until Elwood gets here? Devise some new rules for tig?"
"Well, I was hoping to finish the puzzle and then read through the editorials."
"You're a boring old man, you know that?" he teases.
"And yet you love me all the same."
"That I do." He kisses my forehead and stands up. "Okay, well I'll let you know when Lij gets here. And if you come across a clue for a four-letter word that means perfection, that word is 'Orli'."
*****
"Aragorn!" Lij cries as he bounds out onto the patio.
"Hello, halfling," I respond with a grin. "Can you tell me what the mysterious thing that you're so intent on showing us is?"
"You gotta come into the house for me to show it to you. Oh, and Henry's not here, is he?"
"No," I say. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason," he tells me hastily. "Now come on inside." Lij actually grabs my hand and starts pulling me into the house, which is somewhat comical when you consider the size difference between the two of us. Orli is waiting for us in the living room, standing in front of the desk that has the computer on it.
"Vig, do you know how to turn this thing on?" Orli asks sheepishly. "Lij asked me to do it, but I don't want to fuck anything up."
"I'll do it," I laugh, sitting down at the table and turning on the computer.
"Okay, now once you get to Windows, just go online," Lij instructs.
"Elijah Wood, are you going to show us internet porn?" I ask sternly.
"Yeah, and is it any good?" Orli adds.
Lij blushes and fidgets a little. "You'll see."
Once we've managed to get onto the internet, Lij leans over and types in a site address, then presses the 'enter' key. "What's this?" I ask in confusion as a site appears that has pictures of myself, Orli, Lij . . . pretty much every male member of the cast. "'Lord of the Rings' RPS," I read. "What does that mean?"
"Um, it's Real Person Slash," Lij mumbles.
"I'm sorry?"
"Real Person Slash," he says again. "It's stories about us."
"Slasher stories? What, where we slash people up? Where we kill people?" Orli asks with a horrified expression on his face. "Why would people write about us like that?"
"No, they're not like that," Lij explains. "Slash is a term for stories about two guys -- or two girls, apparently -- in a sexual or romantic relationship together. And there's a shitload of stories about our cast."
"What?!" Now Orli looks even more horrified.
"People write sex stories about *us*?" I ask, similarly taken aback.
"Well, they're not all sexual," Lij clarifies. "Some of them just have kissing, or nothing at all. But yeah, a lot of these are really detailed stories about us having gay sex."
Orli's eyebrows are raised so high that they're practically part of his hairline, and I don't blame him. "So you're telling us," he says slowly, "that people are spending their time putting actors they've never met into porn stories?"
"Yeah." Lij is seemingly oblivious to our shock and is grinning from ear to ear. "Pretty cool, huh? A bunch of them think I give a wicked blow job!"
"But you've never been with a guy!" Orli splutters.
"That's not the point, Orli," he laughs. "It's *fiction*. F-i-c-t-i-o-n, fiction. And some of it's really good."
"You've read this stuff?" I ask with a grin.
"Um, yeah." Lij blushes bright red. "I couldn't help myself."
"How did you even *find* this site?"
"I typed my name into a search engine to see how many sites I could find that are dedicated to me," he admits. "And this one popped up."
"What's this?" I ask, using the mouse to indicate a link that says 'Pairings'.
"Oh, that's one way to get to the actual stories. Click on it and you'll get a list of all the people who are slashed together in the stories."
"This has got to be a joke!" Orli cries as the list of pairings. "Who would ever think that you'd have sex with Bean?" he asks Lij.
"I don't know," Lij shrugs.
"And pairing you with the other Sean? That's just wrong! I mean, what about Christine?" My boyfriend looks more than a little scandalized.
"It's fiction, love," I remind him.
"This doesn't bother you?" Orli asks me with surprise.
"Not really," I shrug. "Hey, are there any stories about myself and Orli?"
"Are you kidding?" Lij laughs. "There are a *ton*. You two seem to be the most popular pairing; I'd say the second most popular pairing is Dom and Billy."
"God, there's a mental image I don't need," Orli groans.
"Actually, you get paired with everyone," Lij informs my very bewildered lover. "You're like the cast slut."
"Excuse me?!" he shouts.
"Yeah, look," our friend says, unfazed by Orli's outburst. "You get with Viggo, Bean, Karl, Dom, Billy, Hugo, Craig, Ian--"
"Ian? He's like my dad!"
"Yeah, well these writers don't seem to care," Lij giggles. "There are also stories with you and people outside the cast."
"Like who?" he demands. I sit back and watch this amusing exchange.
"Um, Josh Hartnett, Ewan McGregor, Heath Ledger, Jude Law . . . there's a few with you and Atti."
"But that's like cheating! I'm with Viggo!"
"Orli, they don't know that," I remind him gently. "It's not cheating, it's fiction."
"Do I ever sleep with *you* in these stories?" he asks Lij.
"Yup."
"What about Viggo? Does *he* ever sleep with you?"
"Yes. And apparently, the fictional Viggo likes it hard and fast when it comes to having sex with me."
I start cracking up. "This is great. This site should provide hours of free entertainment."
"It's fun stuff," Lij says with a grin.
"I knew that computers were evil," Orli mutters as he scans the list of pairings. "Can we turn this thing off, please?"
"Of course," I laugh, closing the browser window.
"Hey, I was just trying to open your eyes to the wonderful world of RPS," Lij says defensively. "I now belong to three mailing lists for the stuff."
"You, my friend, are a nutcase," Orli informs him.
"It's harmless, Orli," I say as I turn off the computer. "Don't worry about it."
He sighs. "I guess you're right. Just tell me one thing, Lij."
"Sure," the hobbit chirps.
"In these stories, am I good in bed?"
Lij rolls his eyes. "You're fantastic."
"Well, at least they got one thing right," he laughs.
*****
"What are you doing in the living toom?" I turn around to see Orli walking sleepily towards me in just his boxers. "Why do you have the lights on? It's three in the morning, Vig."
"I know," I say quickly. "I'm really not doing anything."
He grins as he joins me at the computer. "You're looking at that bloody site, aren't you?"
"Uh . . . maybe."
Orli shakes his head and sits down on my lap. "You're hopeless."
"Hey, Lij was right -- some of these stories *are* really good," I insist. "And I've only read the ones where the two of us are together."
"Really? That's kind of sweet." He kisses my cheek. "So what are the stories about?"
"Well, a lot of them are just pure sex; those stories are called PWPs. Then there are a bunch called Hurt/Comfort, where you get injured or abused or something, and I have to comfort you. It's never the other way around. Oh, and there are some where you sleep around a lot until meeting me and changing your wanton ways."
"Why am I always the slut or the victim?" he asks indignantly.
"Because people want to comfort you when you cry, and you look pretty on your knees."
"It was a rhetorical question, Viggo."
"Oh, and there are also stories that are set in alternate universes."
"What, like outer space?" His forehead crinkles adorably in confusion.
"No, just different places and time periods than the ones we're in now. There's one where you're a redcoat in the American Revolution and I'm fighting for independence from Britain."
"Wow. People are really crazy," he laughs.
"But imaginative. You should see some of these sex scenes in the stories -- they can get really kinky."
"Ooh, how kinky?"
"Cock rings, ass beads, nipple clamps, hot wax--"
"If you ever try to use that stuff on me in real life . . ."
"I wouldn't," I chuckle. "But it was kind of intriguing to read about."
"Yeah, I bet."
"Oh, and you're almost always the bottom. Apparently, these women don't know what a dominant force you can be in bed."
"Sounds like it." He pauses. "Wait a second, did you say *women*? Women write this stuff?"
"Yeah."
"How do women know what men want out of gay sex?"
"I honestly don't know, but they get it right for the most part," I tell him.
"So what story are you reading?" he asks, leaning in to read the monitor.
"Just a smut story."
"Viggo grasped Orlando's throbbing cock," Orli reads. "'I want you,' he growled, his voice a low rasp in the younger man's ear. 'I want you on your back with your legs spread wide, begging for me to fuck your tight little hole.'" He grins and stops reading. "Wow, this is pretty hardcore! I like it!"
"I knew you'd come around," I laugh.
His eyes scan the screen. "Ooh, that sounds fun!" he exclaims, pointing at a line. "Could we try that? I'm sure it wouldn't hurt my back too badly."
"I'm actually not sure that's anatomically possible, but we could give it a shot."
"You know what would be really cool?" he asks, grinning widely.
"What?"
"To write our own story! You know, a PMS, or whatever it's called."
"A PWP? Why would we write one of those?"
"It'd be fun," Orli says. "We could come up with our own plot -- maybe you're upset over blowing a take, and I come over to comfort you and we end up shagging. Or maybe I just show up on your doorstep with a can of whipped cream and a grin."
"Whipped cream gets sticky," I remind him.
"That's not the point. Listen, this is my chance to tell the world that you're a total sex god!"
"Orli. even if you posted a story under your name, nobody would ever believe that you're the one who actually wrote it."
"But still, think of the possibilities! Maybe I could even write a story based on our sex life -- especially since nobody would think that it was true!"
"And what would you write about, love?" I ask with a grin.
"Maybe about that time you tied me to the bed and fucked me with the dildo, or one of our roleplaying shags. I bet these women would get a kick out of that stuff."
"Please tell me you're not seriously considering spreading the details of our sex life over the Internet."
"Okay, I'm not," he admits. "But I maintain that it would be fun to write a story. I think I should do it."
"You? Mr. Technophobia?"
"Hey, I could get someone to post it for me."
"Like who?" I challenge.
"Anyone who knows how to use a computer. I mean, I could enlist you."
"You're really going to do this, aren't you? Write a story about us having sex and force me to post it to the Internet?"
"Yup." Orli is practically bouncing with excitement. "I'll start it later. Oh, and don't worry -- I'll make sure to describe you as the stud that you are."
"Thanks, because I was worried about that for a second," I tell him, rolling my eyes.
"You're mocking me."
"Yes, I am." I kiss him on the nose. "So have you had enough slash for one night?"
"Yeah, let's go to bed."
"Good idea," I say as I shut down the computer.
"Hey, what do you think the women who write this stuff would do if they knew that we're actually shagging?" Orli asks, sliding an arm around my waist as we walk to the bedroom.
"My guess? They'd probably ask if they could watch."
