"Tell me again why you're doing this," Atti says as he hands me the stack of videos.
"Because two years ago today I started my relationship with Viggo," I explain.
"Isn't the relationship over?" he asks rhetorically. "Why are you celebrating a pointless anniversary by watching his movies?"
"It's not a pointless anniversary," I argue. "That was the best relationship I ever had, and I'm not going to just forget that it ever happened."
"Your capacity for denial is astounding."
"What do you mean?" I select a tape and pop it into the machine.
"You're still in love with him, OB."
"No I'm not! I broke it off for good back in August."
"And yet two months later you're going to spend an entire evening pining for him. The only reason why you did what you did in August was because you were afraid of getting hurt again, not because you stopped loving him."
"Hey, I don't need *you* telling me what I feel, Atti. You don't know what I'm thinking."
"Like fuck I don't. You've got almost every movie he's been in sitting at your feet and a bag from the liquor store on the table. You're celebrating a relationship that ended six months ago, and you're still miserable and alone. Just suck up your fucking pride and admit it, Orli."
"Fuck you," I mutter.
"Sorry, you're not my type," he tells me with a grin. "Now just start this maudlin film festival already."
I pick 'Psycho' for the first movie and settle on the couch next to Atti, who's still shaking his head at me. When Viggo's name flashes across the screen, I smile a little and hope that my wanker of a best friend didn't notice. Because I'm not still in love with Viggo.
"I'll tell you one thing, OB," Atti says around a mouthful of popcorn. "You sure know how to pick a fine piece of meat." He points at the screen as Viggo lies in bed, his naked body barely covered by a sheet.
Ignoring him, I concentrate on the scene and not on the fact that my ex-boyfriend looks really good in this movie. However, when the camera gets an exquisite shot of his ass, I swallow hard and hope that my cock doesn't react to the image. No luck. I turn to Atti and give him a pleading look.
"Alcohol," I request. "Now."
*****
FLASHBACK
"You know what I really like?" I ask as my fingers draw invisible patterns on Viggo's chest.
"No, tell me." He looks at me with that wonderful expression he gets after sex.
"That you take your clothes off in your movies."
Viggo laughs loudly and tightens the arm around my waist. "And why is that?"
"Well, because when we're apart, I can watch those movies and it gives me, um, inspiration for my fantasies. You know, I can watch one movie if I want to see your cock, and another if I want to see your arse. And others may watch those movies, but I'm the only one who gets the real thing."
"Yes, you are." He kisses me thoroughly, his hands roaming down to cup my arse. "Of course, I'm the only one who's ever going to get you," he says, his voice rasping in my ear.
I shiver and hook a leg around his waist. "I like the sound of that."
Moans replace words as I'm reminded how insignificant onscreen nudity is when I have an extremely naked and horny Viggo right here in my bed.
END FLASHBACK
*****
"It's crazy how many tattoos his character has," Atti remarks as we watch 'Indian Runner'. "Makeup must have been a bitch every day."
"It couldn't have been any worse than wearing elf ears," I argue.
"So when do we get to see your ex's cock?"
"Don't be so vulgar, Atti." I do another shot of vodka. "But to answer your question, it shouldn't be too long until we get to the money shot."
Five minutes later, I groan as the screen shows that tantalizing moment where Viggo is fully on display. Atti dissolves into laughter at my reaction and kisses me on the cheek. "Poor Orli. Caught between denial and desire."
"I am *not* in denial, you prick."
"Then explain that," he challenges, pointing at the tent in my pants. I curse my decision to wear loose-fitting jeans tonight and ignore his question.
*****
FLASHBACK
"You have a beautiful cock," I remark as he takes off his clothes to get into the shower.
"Is that so?" Viggo's voice is laced with amusement.
"Yeah. It's very beautiful."
You're insane," te tells me affectionately as he kisses my forehead. "But that's why I love you."
"Beautiful," I say again as he walks into the bathroom. After a minute or so I get bored and take off my own clothes before joining him in the shower. "Hi."
"Can't stay away?" he asks with a grin.
"Nope." I reach down and take his cock in my hand. "I think I'm becoming obsessed with this thing," I comment as I stroke him to hardness. "I'm a cock-stalker."
Viggo raises his eyebrows, but then lets out a groan as I move my hand to play with his balls. Falling to my knees, I take him in my mouth and quickly suck him to orgasm. When I stand up again and kiss him, his body is still shaking from the aftershocks of his climax.
"God, you're insatiable," he murmurs as he nips at my bottom lip.
"Well, that's only because you're so delicious."
END FLASHBACK
*****
"I hate you!" I yell at the telly as Michael Douglas stabs Viggo in 'A Perfect Murder'. "You killed Viggo!"
"OB, it's a fucking movie," Atti says calmly.
"But he killed Viggo," I whimper as I start to get teary. "How could he do that?"
"Christ, you're drunk."
"Why would anyone ever want to kill Viggo?"
"It's a movie," he tells me again. "Viggo is alive and well, and you should really ring him up and get back together with him."
"Sod off." Viggo falls to the floor onscreen with a big fucking knife still in him. "I hate Michael Douglas."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah. He killed Beanie in that new movie, too. I think he wants to kill the whole Fellowship."
"Maybe you should stop drinking, Orli."
"Do me a favor, Atti. If I ever think of doing a movie with Michael Douglas, remind me that he'll just end up killing me."
"No problem," he says comfortingly. "I'll protect you from the big, bad Michael Douglas."
*****
FLASHBACK
I watch the even breathing pattern of the man sleeping next to me and smile. He's okay. After what happened yesterday while filming in that river . . . God, I can't remember the last time I was so scared. He's fine now; a little bumped and bruised maybe, but really no worse for the wear.
My lips gently brush against his cheek and I snuggle closer to him. His body is warm and I fit perfectly against him, my head nestling at the juncture between his neck and shoulder. The soft brown hair I love so much tickles my forehead as I kiss his neck, unable to resist a little more physical contact.
"You're still awake?" he murmurs, his voice hoarse from sleep.
"I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's okay, love." His eyes open and he looks at me with such open adoration that my heart skips a beat or two. I may be a sentimental fool, but I'm a happy one.
Viggo bends his head a little and captures my mouth for a slow kiss. My sigh of happiness makes him chuckle a little, and he doesn't resist my tongue when it dances across his lips. After a few minutes of kissing, I feel his body relax. Realizing that he's fallen asleep while kissing causes me to laugh silently and kiss his cheek once more.
"Sleep well," I whisper in his ear before curling up to him again and pursuing my own elusive slumber.
END FLASHBACK
*****
"I hate Diane Lane," I say, realizing my words are slurring a little. Okay, maybe more than a little. Yeah, I'm officially monged.
Atti quirks an eyebrow and looks at me. "I thought you hated Michael Douglas."
"I do. But she's fucking Viggo. Look at that." My hand gestures vaguely to the screen as she gets it on with Viggo under a waterfall in 'A Walk on the Moon'. "I'm the only one who should be able to do that."
"Didn't you give up that right?" His voice is gentle. "OB, you can't feel sorry for yourself forever; it's just not healthy."
"But look at that," I repeat as my voice breaks. "That's what we used to do. And I don't have that anymore. I can't stand this."
"Then do something about it. Call him."
"I can't. Do you mind if I just wank instead?"
"I do bloody well mind!" Atti exclaims. "For fuck's sake, I don't want to watch you get off while you reminisce about one of your cock-spearing sessions with poetry boy."
"It wasn't cock-spearing, whatever that means. It was beautiful. No matter what, it was always beautiful."
*****
FLASHBACK
"Stop teasing," I whimper as Viggo moves at an agonizingly slow pace. "I need more."
He leans down and kisses my neck while beginning to thrust faster. "Is this what you need?" he asks as he changes the angle and hits my prostate.
"Fuck yeah," I gasp. My hands reach around and grip his arse, pulling him even closer. I feel like I need his entire goddamned body inside of me right now, and I thrust back at him in an attempt to convey my desperation.
"God, oh God," Viggo moans as he begins to fuck me with abandon. Forget sweet and slow, tonight we both need hard and fast. His mouth descends upon mine for a punishing kiss, his tongue's fierce invasion acting in blatant mimicry of his cock.
I love the way he makes me feel when we have sex that's this raw and needy. I feel claimed. Marked. Possessed. Branded. And yet at the same time there's love underneath all of that, because the intensity is solely fueled by a desire for us to get as close as we can. When he looks at me during all of this, the love in his eyes is unmistakable as it mixes with lust and desire.
Afterwards, he holds me and kisses my shoulder. "Did I hurt you, baby?"
"No," I assure him with a smile. "You almost never call me baby, you know."
"Well, it doesn't really convey how I see you. I prefer to call you love, because that's what you are to me." Viggo gives me a tender smile and laces our fingers together. "You're my love."
END FLASHBACK
*****
"Bedtime," Atti says softly as my eyes flutter open. "Come on, I'm not letting you sleep on the couch all night."
My head feels light as I stand up, and Atti has to hold me steady when I begin to sway with the first step or two. "Why did I drink so much?" I moan.
"Because you're a fool," he tells me affectionately. "Do you feel sick at all?"
"Not physically. It's just that I can't stop hurting, Atti. Why did it have to be like this?" I rub my eyes in a vain attempt to stop the tears that are beginning to fall.
"I don't know, Orli." He presses a kiss to my temple as we reach my bed. "I'm so sorry."
"When I was in New Zealand . . . God, he was just so uncomfortable around me when we tried to talk. I don't even know how we're going to be friends now. I can't lose him entirely because that would just kill me, you know?" Atti nods sympathetically as I cry harder. "Because you're right, Atti. Everybody's right."
"What are we right about?" He knows the answer, but I have to say the words myself.
"I'm still in love with him," I sob. "I never stopped being in love with him. But I couldn't let myself get hurt like that again."
"And that's why you lied to him about that girl."
"I didn't want to lie to him!" My head throbs as I crawl under the covers. "It doesn't even matter, Atti. He didn't say anything about wanting me back. I left him, and now I can't do a bloody thing except be 'just friends' with him."
Atti sighs and turns off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. "Do you need me to stay tonight?"
:No, go on back to your flat. I'll be okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
He leans down and kisses my forehead. "Get some sleep, OB."
When I hear my front door click shut, I start crying again. Grabbing the phone, I dial Viggo's number and pray that I won't sound too drunk; most of the alcohol has worn off by now but I'm still a little hazy. After two rings, I lose my nerve and hang up.
What would I even say to him now? He thinks I shagged that club girl because I lied right to his face. And he probably wouldn't even want me back. When I saw him he looked like he wanted to be miles away from me, and I guess I don't blame him but it hurt so badly.
"Elves can die from a broken heart," I say to the empty room.
Of course, I'm not really an elf and I'm not going to die from this. I'm not *that* melodramatic. So I'll just keep hoping that there's the chance for friendship between us, since I'm sure he doesn't want me back. If we become mates again I won't tell him how I feel, because the pain of his rejection would be too much to bear.
It's after midnight now, and our anniversary is over. Atti thought it was strange for me to commemorate an anniversary like this, but it makes perfect sense to me. After all, the eighteen months I had with Viggo were the best of my life, and I don't want to pretend that all of this never happened. I finally admitted to myself tonight that I miss Viggo, that I need him, that I want him back more than anything.
Ignoring my fatigue, I get out of bed and walk over to my stereo.
After placing a familiar CD into the tray, I slip back under the covers.
Viggo's soothing voice fills the room, and I hold my pillow tightly as
I listen to him read his poetry. Imagining that he was really here
reading to me with his arms around my body, I let his voice lull me to
sleep.
