TITLE: Heart and Shoulder (13/22)
AUTHOR: Elizabeth (sef7881@aol.com)
PAIRING: Viggo Mortensen/Orlando Bloom
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Boys have slumber parties, too! (Orli's POV)
FEEDBACK: To paraphrase Boromir: "It is strange that we should suffer so much fear and doubt if we don't receive feedback."  In other words, yes please!
WARNINGS: Spoilers for Lord of the Rings (but if you haven't seen it by now . . .)
DISCLAIMER: I made this all up in my crazy little head.  It's FICTION!
ARCHIVE: I'd be honored, just let me know where it's going
AUTHOR'S NOTES: A permanent thank you to my beloved Lostiawen for her support, beta skills, and insanity

DATE WRITTEN: May 31st, 2004

 

"The life of the party has arrived!" Elijah crows as he pushes through our kitchen door.

 

"And thank God for that," John says, smiling fondly at him.

 

"I would just like to point out that Lij is fully sober and is already acting like a nutcase," Sean declares.  "So unless you want to see him making a complete idiot out of himself, don't give him any alcohol."

 

"But a party isn't any fun without a drunken Elijah," Beanie laughs.

 

"Exactly," Lij chirps, unaware that he's being teased.  "Orli, where are your drinks?"

 

"The beer's in the fridge," I tell him.  "And it's not that vulgar American piss beer, either.  We bought the good shit this time."

 

"Only the best for your friends, huh?" Dom asks.

 

"Hell, yeah.  It's not every day that we get seven of the nine Fellowship members together," I reason.

 

"We get to have our very own slumber party tonight!" Sean exclaims.

 

"It's *not* a slumber party," Dom laughs.  "Those are what your daughter has with her little friends."

 

"So what is this?" Viggo queries.

 

Dom thinks for a moment.  "A male bonding party?"

 

"That sounds like the gayest thing in the world," I snort.  "And I'm an expert on what's gay.  Besides, I don't want to be bonded to you guys any more than I already am – no offense meant, or anything."

 

"No offense taken," John assures me.  "We wouldn't bond with you too closely anyway, Orlando.  Viggo might get a bit territorial if we tried to."

 

Every Fellowship member save for Ian and Billy has convened at our new home for a housewarming/slumber party.  It's also a good excuse to watch all three Rings movies back-to-back-to-back, something I've never done.  Sure, I'll focusing more on Aragorn's bum than anything else in the movies, but I doubt that anyone would blame me for that.

 

*****

 

"This is a fucking awesome house," Dom proclaims.  "Worth every pound, no matter how much you spent."

 

"It truly is beautiful," Beanie echoes.

 

"Thank you," I say, beaming with pride.  "It's our dream house."

 

"After seeing that big bed, I can imagine why," Lij snickers.

 

"The bed didn't come with the house," Viggo tells him, as if explaining this to a small child.  "We had to buy it for ourselves."

 

"Finally!" Sean cries.  "Your super-sized libidos are confirmed as more than myth!"

 

"They're definitely more than myth to whomever has to bunk next door to them," John mutters.

 

"Who has the honor tonight?" Beanie demands.

 

"Nobody," I inform them.  "The master bathroom separates our bedroom from the next bedroom, so nobody would hear any noises that we'd make during . . . uh . . . intimate . . . moments."  My face must be the same color as a tomato right now.  Damn them!

 

"That's enough," John chuckles.  "Stop teasing the elfling."  I could kiss him for that (on the cheek, of course).  Then again, my friends already think I'm insane enough as it is.

 

"But it's so much fun!" Dom whines.

 

"Dominic," Viggo warns, using the same tone he takes with Henry if his son blasts music on a Saturday morning.

 

"Okay, okay," Dom concedes.

 

"I think the best room in the house has to be the studio," Lij says, referring to the room next to the kitchen that Viggo has transformed into his personal haven.  With the circular shape, stone floors, and glass ceiling, it's nothing short of magical when the setting sun shines into it.  Now that filming for Kingdom of Heaven is over and I have a break, Viggo is encouraging me to resume my sculpting, and that studio is luring me like a siren to toss around clay once again.

 

"The kitchen is amazing, too," Sean adds.  "Christine wants to have brunch here all the time now that she's seen this place."  I smile, remembering her awestruck expression when she came over with Sean to help us unpack.

 

"She's welcome anytime she feels like coming over," I tell him.

 

Beanie shakes his head.  "Forget the studio and the kitchen.  I'd kill for your garden," he says in a tone of voice that sounds a little too serious for my liking.

 

"You're not getting our garden, Sean," Viggo chuckles.

 

"I do have one question about the house, though," Dom interrupts.  "It's grand and beautiful and all that jazz . . . but why on earth is one of the bedrooms completely empty?"

 

John nods in agreement.  "That's right.  There's no furniture in one of the nicest rooms in the house."

 

"If you ran out of money to decorate, I could lend you some," Beanie teases.

 

"That's not why it's empty, you cunt," I say with a roll of my eyes.  "We're just not ready to decorate the baby's room yet."

 

It's official.  I do not know when to say the right thing.  See, Viggo and I were planning to tell our friends that we want to have a child, but this wasn't exactly the manner in which we wanted the news to get out to them.  I need one of those devices that monitors what you're planning on saying, then gives you an electric shock before it can come out of your mouth.  What?  They haven't invented one?  Oh.  Then I'm just screwed.

 

There's stunned silence for about thirty seconds, everybody's eyes flickering from me to Viggo and back to me.  As for Viggo, he doesn't look annoyed, just somehow unsurprised that I accidentally spilled the beans about our secret.  After our friends manage to regain their wits, all Hell breaks loose.

 

"A baby?!" John booms.  "What baby?"

 

"You two are having a baby?" Dom gasps, bouncing up and down with an insane grin on his face.

 

"When?  Do you have it all planned out?" Sean asks.

 

"Why didn't you tell us this?" Beanie demands.

 

Lij just looks puzzled for a minute, then looks around at all of us.  "But . . . how can they have a baby?  They're both men!"  Dear, sweet, clueless Elijah.  He really is smart, just not always possessing the most common sense.

 

"Oh, my God," Dom groans.  "Elwood, you are such a dolt sometimes!  Gay men have kids all the time, you know.  They use surrogate mums, or they adopt."

 

He blushes and looks down at the floor.  "So I'm an idiot.  But you already knew that, right?"

 

Viggo is struggling very hard not to laugh.  "Don't worry about it, Elijah."

 

"What's your plan for this?" Beanie asks.  "Are you thinking of adoption, or do you–"

 

"Adoption," Viggo responds.  "This is something we've wanted to do for a long time."

 

"Well, I think it's terrific," John decrees.  "You couldn't find more caring people than the two of you," he says, nodding towards me and Viggo.

 

"I'll second that," Dom adds.  "Orli, you'll make a great dad, and Viggo already *is* a great dad."

 

"This is so cool!" Lij exclaims.  "I get to be an uncle?"

 

"Uh, sort of," I tell him with a grin.  "Insomuch as you're not actually related to either parent."

 

"This is going to be great," Sean enthuses.  "Whatever you need, just tell me or Christine."

 

"Same here," Bean echoes.  "But just don't ask me to change any nappies.  I've done enough to last a lifetime."

 

"We won't," I laugh.  There's a warm and fuzzy feeling from hearing all of my friends voice their excitement about our parenting plans.  It's not as if we had meant to hide our family expansion ideas from them, but we couldn't think of a good time to tell everyone about it.  Thank every god in existence that the amazing support our friends have given us over the years is going to continue unbroken.  This just means that we have to call Ian, Billy, Liv, Pete, Bernard, and Miranda to tell them about this before our gossipy friends can.

 

"Hey," Sean says suddenly, "do you realize that this is going to be the official Lord of the Rings baby?"

 

"What are you talking about?" Viggo asks with raised eyebrows.

 

"You and Orli have become our official Lord of the Rings couple," he explains.  "If you two have a child together, it *has* to be the official Rings child, right?"

 

"I . . . guess so," I shrug.  It's actually a very sweet concept, though.

 

"Hey, we could get tee-shirts printed up for the little tyke that say 'Official LOTR Baby'!" Beanie suggests.

 

"And if it's a boy, they could name it Eldarion!"  That brilliant idea comes from Dom.

 

"We will *not* be naming our child Eldarion," Viggo says in a no-nonsense voice.  "There is a limit to our insanity."

 

"Really?  Are you sure?" Lij giggles.  I pick up a potato chip from the bowl sitting in front of me and toss it at him.  "Tosser!" he cries.  "Potato chip tosser!"

 

"That's not what the word means!" I laugh, throwing more chips at him.

 

"Who cares?" John reasons, picking up a cracker and throwing it at Dom for no reason whatsoever.  And thus begins the first Fellowship food fight.  We are *so* mature.

 

*****

 

It's after one in the morning by the time the extended version of The Two Towers finishes, and everyone wholeheartedly agrees that the third film needs to wait until everyone gets some sleep.  Even my Energizer-Bunny-like self is drooping a bit with fatigue, still recovering from the jet lag of my return from Morocco four days earlier.  After trudging off to master bedrooms, guest rooms, and a couch bed, we all fall fast asleep.

 

I wake up at 4:57 a.m., my heart pounding in my chest.  Fuck, I must have had a nightmare or something.  Pulling the covers back over me, I look at Viggo and smile, feeling for a brief moment as if we're back in New Zealand; that's how it feels whenever we get together with our friends.  But I know that it's really 2004, that I'm older, wiser, and more experienced than I was back when the Fellowship was together every single day.

 

After twenty minutes of tossing and turning, it dawns on me that I'm just not going to fall back asleep.  And while I have no problem with lying in bed and staring at Viggo in the bluish light of dawn, it becomes apparent that perhaps I should get up when my stomach gives a cantankerous rumble .  With a sigh, I pull myself out of bed and plod downstairs into the kitchen where I can find something to silence my belly.  God only knows *why* I'm hungry, since I ate enough food for an army of Uruk-Hai yesterday.  Whatever.  I'll just munch on some crisps and watch the telly until everyone wakes up.

 

Then I hear a series of bumps and a resounding crash, followed by a cursing voice that can only be that of Elijah's.  Trying not to laugh, I tear myself away from the telly and run to the stairs, finding my friend checking for broken bones at the foot of our staircase.  I can't help it, as the giggles get the better of me.  "You fell down the stairs again?"

 

"It's not fucking funny, bitch," he grouses.

 

"You always walk away unscathed, Lij."

 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."  By now, his attempt to look narked has fallen by the wayside, and a small grin has crept onto his face.  "So why are *you* up at five in the morning?"

 

"I'm not sure.  I think I had a nightmare, or something.  What about you?"

 

"Needed to use the bathroom, then couldn't get back to sleep.  Now I'm hungry."

 

"I have a bag of crisps open," I offer.  "Want to help me eat them?"

 

"Sure!"

 

Soon enough, we've polished off the crisps and need a new snack.  Both of us go to the kitchen so we can compromise on something to share.  As I search through the cupboard for nourishment, Lij grabs us drinks.  "Can I ask you something, Orli?"

 

"Whatever you want.  Are dried apricots okay with you?"

 

He nods.  "You and Viggo are serious, right?"

 

"Huh?  Serious, how?  Our relationship has been serious for more than four years, man."  I toss the package of apricots on the table and sit down with him.

 

"No, I mean serious about having a baby."

 

"What are you talking about, Lij?  Of course we are.  We wouldn't tell everyone about it if we were just lukewarm on the idea."

 

"Wow, that's amazing."  There's a slightly uncomfortable silence.

 

"What are you thinking about?"

 

"I don't know . . . I just can't quite picture you as a dad."

 

I stare at Elijah, trying to work through my mind how I should respond to that.  "Why?"  That's the only word that I can manage to stammer out.

 

"Because you're this crazy, bungee-jumping, super-horny guy who's always cursing.  Doesn't really mesh with the concept of singing lullabies to a baby."

 

"First of all," I say, gritting my teeth, "I stopped bungee-jumping.  The reason I stopped is because it worried Viggo, and we both knew that I needed to be around if we wanted to have a child.  Second of all, I'll obviously curb my bad language around *any* child.  I had to do it when Henry was younger, and I can do it again."

 

"Look, I didn't mean–"

 

"And what does being horny or crazy have to do with anything?  You think that affects Viggo's ability to be a good father?  For God's sake, Beanie has a sex drive and is seriously weird, and he's a great dad, too!"

 

"Orli, I'm sorry," Lij sighs.  "I really wasn't saying that you won't be a *good* dad.  You'll be an amazing father."

 

"Then what *were* you saying?"

 

"It's just weird.  I don't know how to explain it."  He shifts in his seat and offers me a smile.  "I still remember the first day we met, back in Wellington.  I thought you had just drank ten cups of coffee because of how you were bouncing around, but then I found out that was just how enthusiastic you always are.  You took me out clubbing all the time, you did really stupid adventure things, you got drunk . . . and I guess sometimes it's hard for me to reconcile twenty-two-year-old Orli with twenty-seven-year-old Orli."

 

"I'm still the same person, you know.  A little bit older, maybe, but I haven't changed that much."

 

"You just have millions of fangirls," he jokes.

 

"Well yeah, there's that," I laugh.

 

"I shouldn't have said what I did.  The last thing I want is for you to feel like I'm not happy for you, or that I don't think you're up for the challenge.  It was just a little bit of a shock, that's all.  But, like you said, I get to be an uncle, so it's great!"

 

"A surrogate uncle, Lij.  The baby will already have two insane uncles, courtesy of Viggo's brothers, plus an Aunt Samantha.  Add the aunts and uncles that she'll get from our Rings family, and that's more than enough for any child."

 

"True."

 

"Oh, and before you can ask, we won't be naming the child after you."

 

"But Elijah Bloom sounds so good!  So does Elijah Mortensen!  And you could use it for a boy *or* a girl!"

 

I grin.  "Sorry.  It's not going to happen."

 

*****

 

"This is my favorite scene!" Dom exclaims as he watches Merry and Pippin jump on the bed of a recovering Frodo.  "A hobbit sandwich!"

 

"You know, this is the gayest movie in the world that never actually has a same-sex kiss," Lij observes.

 

"I just wonder why I wasn't invited to this little orgy," Beanie grumbles as the rest of the Fellowship make merry onscreen.

 

"Let me think for a second," I say.  "Oh yeah, you were killed off in the first movie!"

 

"Well, could they make Legolas look any poncier?" he shoots back.  "You look like you're wearing a Prada dress."

 

"Prada?  Why do you know about Italian fashion, you rugged straight man?"

 

Beanie turns red.  "I *did* have three wives.  They went shopping a lot."

 

"Uh-huh, sure."

 

"Look!  Viggo's being crowned!" John points out, as if we haven't seen the movie seven hundred times.

 

"Go Elessar!  Go Elessar!  It's your birthday!  Go Elessar!" Lij cheers.

 

"He looks so happy to be marrying Legolas!" Sean teases.  "Oh, wait.  It's a trick!  He's marrying Arwen!"

 

"Doesn't anybody have eyes!  Aragorn is gay!" Dom hollers.

 

"Yeah, well in a perfect world, I would have ended up with my Samwise," Lij sighs.  "And you would have boinked your beloved Pip on the Fields of the Pelennor."

 

"Uh, what about me?" Beanie ventures.  "Who does Boromir get?"

 

"He's dead!"

 

"Come on, that's not fair!"

 

"Okay, okay.  You can have Gimli."

 

Beanie looks at John and shrugs.  "Sounds good."

 

"Wait, we forgot Gandalf," I remind everyone.

 

"Oh, he can just have Elrond, plus Celeborn on the weekends," Viggo suggests.

 

"I have a serious question," Sean says.  "What did they use for lube in Middle Earth?"

 

"Better yet, did they have dildos?" Beanie snorts.

 

"The dwarves would make mithril dildos!" John proclaims.  "Very useful!"

 

"Mithril dildos?"  I think Viggo's voice just squeaked.  "You've thought about this, John?"

 

"Yes, at length!" he tells my boyfriend with a smile.  "Dwarf creativity knows no bounds."

 

Oh yes, we're all insane.  Completely insane.  But I wouldn't have my friends any other way.