Rants
Here you will find the whole array of rants, starting with the most recent at the top.
14/03/2005 - Rant 02: City Folk
What could I have against the city folk you may ask, what indeed is there to moan about? If you need to ask this question then you also need to suspended by certain parts of your body (be imaginative).
They are the most annoying people on this little dust ball we call earth. The worse thing in my mind at the moment that they do is not even acknowledge your existence. This is done in the most totally obnoxious and absolutely fucking piss taking way where they try and walk through you as if you're a figment of their imagination, well here's news for you friend, this figment is gonna jump on your back the next time you do it and bite your head until you lose consciousness. Trust me I have sharp teeth, I know of what I speak. I mean, come on, what gives you the ultimately redneck idea that walking into me will solve the problem of not acknowledging me? It's just as easy to move a mere 5 inches or so to one side and voila! No collision, no jolting, no welshman on your back biting your head, we're all happy!
The other phenomenon present in city folk is the staring. We all know about it, if you look slightly different then people will cast an eye at you, but when you look at them they turn away. But not the city people, no they just stand there and gawp at you like some dying goldfish after a full frontal lobotomy. What makes them so righteous and "normal" that they can look at someone, stare and say "That's not normal, they don't look right, what a freak!", don't get me wrong, I take the freak statement as a compliment these days - self confessed freak and idiot no less - but when the person looks completely fucking unevolved, the type of person who's IQ is considered poor for a glass of water, then why, oh dear god why, do they think I'm a freak? Heads-up squire, if I'm a freak then what the hell are you? English or Texan?
And as a small finisher I do believe I have a moral right, or need, to mention the unwholesome shites that will gladly stamp on my foot to get where they're going in a hurry. Well, ahem, you're living on borrowed time you syphilitic runt. If I actually catch one of you bastards I'm going to "gladly stamp" on your foot, but with a bit more vigor...and some heavy duty boots...with nails in them...rusty ones, yeah that should do the trick, have fun walking fucker when your toes get gangrene and fall off. Stumpy.
Peace out,
J Hern
14/03/2005 - Rant 01 (Extended): Pedestrians...
Pedestrians, you gotta love them havn't you...not really.
In the first rant there was something that I forgot to mention, the loathesome pedestrians. At first they don't seem too bad, they just mill around at the sides of the roads on their pavements, but then one little scrote will make a break for it and run full tilt across the road, just as you decide to speed up, then you have to slam on the brakes, fucking up your tyres whilst the little shit laughs at you and wanders off.
Well there is a solution ladies and gentlemen, don't stop, keep going, plough on through without a care for anyone, nail that little shit and smear him across the road, trust me it's fun. And so in saying that I give you the Road Rage Pedestrian Points enjoy adding up potential "accidents" and see what the highest total is. Once again seeing as this is my table of points it's kind of biased, deal with it.
Peace out,
J Hern
09/03/2005 - Rant 01: To Road Users and How I'm Going To Kill You
If there's anything that will get me hot under the collar at a moments notice it's drivers. Those who drive will know what I mean, those who are learning are also learning to hate these things, those who don't drive but one day will, well let me tell you sunshine, you've got some fun times ahead of you. As for those content not to drive, ever, well you're a lazy lil git who no doubt intends to leech rides off of your friends, I know who you are.
Down to the meat and gristle of this topic.
The next fuckwad that cuts me up on the road is going to get a hollow iron pipe forcibly inserted down their windpipe which will then be fitted with a funnel so that molten metal can be poured down your throat and solidify in said persons innards. Now that'll pack on the pounds don't ya think? I mean seriously, what in the blue Hell is wrong with you people? How can anyone conceive sliding through a crack between two cars that's little more than the width of a small child, on a busy road, in rush hour, without fuckin' INDICATING!? Please for the love of god and all innocents', the next time you do that, jump out of the car whilst executing the manoeuvre, at least the rest of us will get some amusement out of the situation.
Another type of driver I'm going to choke with a garrotte made of their own woven nasal hair are the incredibly stupid people who drive around with their high-beams on all the time, little heads up kids, they're for driving in pitch-black back lanes when no other cars are around. Not on a main road when you're driving right up my ass and blinding me.
Which brings me to another thing that deserves severe punishment, tailgating. Why, oh why, do people insist on driving a gnat's bollock hair breadth away from the back of my car? Is being that close to the car in front going to get you to your destination any quicker? No numb nuts, it ain't. The next time anyone does that to me, especially those in fancy expensive cars, just remember this fact: I drive a crappy little Corsa, I have nothing to lose...Bring it on bitch.
The last piece of this rant is inspired, and somewhat stolen from a comedian called Mitch Benn, simply because I couldn't agree more. And that is this golden rule, BMW drivers are twats, pure and simple. Complete and utter twats. What makes you people think that you're king of the road huh? My main beef is with the uber twat of the BMW world: the clinically insane business man in the most expensive model possible thinking that the road is his and that all others on it are simply obstructions. Oh yes, we all know who that person is. This person will cut you up without indicating, rip down the road at 110mph and then slam the brakes, and god forbid if you bump into his car, that would be your fault, not his, of course not, for he is the king of all he drives on. Saying that though, the most amusing thing you can do is flip the middle finger at the shit as he drives past, or is flashing his lights when driving behind you because - horror of horrors - you happen to be driving within the legal speed limit. What happens when you flip the bird - or throw the horns for that matter - is probably the most rewarding part of driving. The BMW driver's face suddenly bloats somewhat and goes the colour of a strained beetroot whilst looking like he's surely trying to "pinch one off" but alas is suffering from constipation whilst twisting on his haemorrhoids at the same time. You can then drive home safe in the knowledge that you have more than likely sent his blood pressure through the roof and landed him a good few visit to the doctors to sort it out. Ain't life grand.
That's all the condemning of drivers folks, see you next rant.
Peace out,
J Hern
