Even though we try our best to come up with New material, Many of our Fans pass along new jokes to help us out... So! We display them for all to see. We get (literally) hundreds of jokes a week, so we just lumped them all into one category for now...
WIFE:
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at
the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby
if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair,
and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to
be a
witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back
and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun
to the
man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been
verygenerous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought
for
you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He
did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I
budget
for? He does!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said "What would you
do in a
case like this?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket
before
he catches a cold."
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN GRANDMAS LEARN TO E-MAIL
Dear Kids,
I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't been feeling very good this week - the friend I shared a room with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows.
It's been six months since you've visited me last, I guess you're all pretty busy. It's OK, I've learned to use the internet to pass the time.
And the computer in the rec room has a pretty decent web cam.
So you can remember what I look like, I have attached a recent picture of myself. You all take care, and write to me soon.
With all of my heart.
Love Grandma
Family Funny: "Trouble Remembering Things..."
An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
REFLECTIONS
1. What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
2. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
3. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
10. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
11. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
12. A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
13. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.
14. I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
15. A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
*************
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse." Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole." Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!" Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!" Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
************
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and
doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!
***********
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip,the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate
one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest,and says, "Your turn."
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?!" The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."
********
DOCTOR JOKES!
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct, Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, the informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confussion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
A doctor was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil and packet labeled "K Y Jelly."
It was not too long ago that we believed . . .
THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut- you did with a pocket knife
Paste- you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
-From a friend!!!!!
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes. " A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber ask, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says," Your house."
A Master Cells Man
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
- "Hello?"
- "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
- "Ummm, yes."
- "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are and I just saw this beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it, please?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $15,000."
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...
- "Ahhh... and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the brand new 2001 models. I saw one I really liked and spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price....and since we really need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year......."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "Well, OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
- "Great! But before we hang up, just one more thing...."
- "What's that ?"
- "Now this might look like a little bit much, but I was reconciling your bank account and...ummm...well, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw that house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
- "So, how much are they asking?"
- "Only $850,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
- "Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up while slowly shaking his head and closes the phone's flap. Then he holds the phone up and asks to all those present:
"Hey, does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
HERE IS A FUNNY STORY--
AN EXQUISITE PAINTING ENTITLED "HOME FOR LUNCH" WAS ON DISPLAY IN A WEST VIRGINIA ART GALLERY. IT DEPICTED THREE VERY NAKED, VERY BLACK MEN SITTING ON A PARK BENCH. WHAT WAS UNUSUAL WAS THAT THE MEN ON BOTH ENDS OF THE BENCH HAD BLACK PENISES, BUT THE MAN IN THE MIDDLE HAD A VERY PINK PENIS. TWO WOMEN WERE STARING AT THE PAINTING, TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT WHEN THE ARTIST APPROACHED AND ASKED "CAN I HELP YOU?" THE WOMEN RESPONDED, "WE WERE CURIOUS ABOUT THE PAINTING OF THE BLACK MEN ON THE BENCH. WHY DOES THE MAN IN THE MIDDLE HAVE A PINK PENIS?" THE ARTIST SAID, "THE THREE MEN ARE NOT AFRICAN-AMERICAN. THEY ARE WEST VIRGINIA COAL MINERS AND THE FELLOW IN THE MIDDLE WENT HOME FOR LUNCH."
"Two Blonde Men"
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
QUICKIESWhen We Drink
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
This guy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist where the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4. The man comes back in a few minutes with some toilet paper and some cotton balls.
The pharmacist asks the man, "Excuse me, it's none of my business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come to me with toilet paper and cotton balls. Why?" The man responds: "Well, last night I sent the old lady to the store for a carton of cigarettes, and she brought me a tin of tobacco and some papers. Tonight, she can roll her own!"
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
What should you do if you find your husband staggering in the backyard?
Shoot him again.
Why are women ALWAYS upset with Men?
Men are one of the few things that can gain 8 inches in 5 minutes and lose it all 30 minutes later.
The Israelites are waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain when Moses finally appears.
"I've got good news and bad news folks! The good news is that I got HIM down to ten! The bad news is that adultery is still in!"
A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer? "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
*************
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat. She replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous
customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his
coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down
and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"
Things to think about !
You may have some of these before, but they're still FUNNY!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
If quitters never win and winners never cheat then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I tried sniffing Coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
Mental backup in progress - DO NOT DISTURB!!!
Mind like Steel Trap - Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum Mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
***********
REPEAT
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?"
Give up Drugs Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." , "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
/ \
| |
\__/
O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your annus before prison......'
Subject: BEST MEMORY
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
WHY PARENTS TURN GREY
> > The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about > an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's > home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" > > Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster > the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" > > "Yes", whispered the small voice. > > "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the boss's surprise, the > small voice whispered, "No." > > Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" > "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again, the small voice > whispered, "No". > > Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, > the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who > should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides > you?" > the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman". > > Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss > asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the > child. > > "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and > the Fireman", came the whispered answer. > > Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a > helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that > noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. > > "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed > whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the > hello-copper." > > Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss > asked, "Why are they there?" > > Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled > giggle: "They're looking for me." >
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
*SICKNESS
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
* AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH: (*Other than your own.)
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
*Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement. ALSO Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
A businesswoman explained her delicate problem to the doctor. She was always breaking wind at board meetings, during interviews, in lifts and on the trams and buses. It was impossible to control. "But at least I am fortunate in two respects," she told the doctor, "they neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, since I have been in your office talking to you, it has happened twice Doctor." The Doctor reached for his notebook, scribbled a prescription and handed it to her. She read it. "What? Nasal drops?" she queried. "Yes" said the Doc. "We'll fix your nose then have a go at your hearing"
>When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the
moon,
>he not only gave his famous "one small step for a man, one giant
leap
for
>mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks (usual com
traffic
>between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control). Just before
he
>re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good
luck
>Mr.
>Gorsky."
>Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival
>Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either
>the
>Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people
>questioned
>Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
>Armstrong always just smiled.
>
> On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions
following
a
> speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong.
>This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so
Neil
>Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he
was
>playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a
fly
>ball,
>which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. His
neighbors
>were
>Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
>Armstrong
>heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You want sex?!
You'll
get
>sex
>when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
>
> True story.
>
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her
husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of
the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not
finding her husband. Listening again, she could
definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement
to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the
wall, crying.
She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
He replied: "Remember when your father caught us together,
when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I
could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for
the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from
prison today."
A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time
for
the
mailman to make his rounds...
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail".
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the
busboy
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt
pocket.
I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had
a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the
spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Ernst & Young
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes.
After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent" "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Beware!!!
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of...
THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
1.THE CRUSH
David has this extreme crush on the beautiful new girl at the office. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he gets anywhere near her he gets the biggest erection he's ever had. There is absolutely nothing he can do to control it, and it happens every single time. After awhile, he decides to call her on the telephone. That way he can ask her out without her seeing his 'problem'. She agrees to go out with him, and that presents him with another problem. How can he face her on a date without being embarrassed? After searching his soul for a solution, he figures that he'll duct tape his penis to his leg. That way when he sees her and gets excited, she'll never notice it. The night rolls around for his big date. He arrives at her house and knocks. Unfortunately for both of them she answers the door in a sheer teddy, and he kicks her right in the face!!!
2.THE FALL
A little fella starts to walk into a bar. There is a pile of dog shit, unfortunately, right in front of the door. He steps on it, slips, and falls down in it. He painfully gets up, takes off his soiled shirt, and walks over to the bar. He is buying a drink when a huge guy starts to enter the bar. He too, slips in the pile of shit with the exact same results. While the large guy is taking his shirt off at the bar, the little fella tries to strike up a conversation. He points to the pile in front of the door and says, "I just did that." The huge guy punches him right in the mouth!
If men TRULY ran the world...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier, a smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
12. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
13. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
14. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
15. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Restroom Graffiti
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
-Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
"Beauty is only a light switch away."
-Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
all
get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting
up with her crap.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married
God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
-The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books, New York, New York
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
-Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix,AZ.
You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
-Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Kentucky.
Subject: Negative People
Something to think about when negative people are
doing their best to
rain on your parade:
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?" Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know youdidn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down andhe spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really...What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
Just received this . . . . ( Sorry ladies, this IS for us GUYS ONLY!!!!!!! )
Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. >Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of kindness
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
45 minutes
The price of Gas Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
So
You
Think a Gallon of Gas is Expensive? So, you think a gallon of
gasoline
is
expensive, huh??... (check this out!)
*Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 ========= $10.32 per gallon
*Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 ========$ 9.52 per gallon
*Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 =========== $ 10.17 per gallon
*Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 =========$ 10.00 per gallon
*Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 ==========$ 33.60 per gallon
*Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 ========= $ 178.13 per gallon
*Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 ========= $ 123.20 per gallon
*Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 ============$ 25.42 per gallon
*Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 ============ $ 84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER......
*Evian water 9oz for $1.49 ========== $ 21.19 per gallon
...............$21.19 FOR WATER!!
And the buyers don't even know the source. So next time
you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil,or Scope,
or
Whiteout
Quotes...
"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
-- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." --Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson (On going to war over religion) --
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." --Yasir Arafat (PLO leader)
Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. --Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Robert De Niro
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
--Hugh Grant
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
--Dustin Hoffman
When the sun comes up, I have morals again --Elizabeth Taylor
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfield
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. --Rod Stewart
AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS:
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough
blood to run one at a time.
1.) You know who Leonardo, Michelangelo,
Raphael and Donatello are.
2.) You remember the Milli Vanilli scandall.
3.) You religiously watched 90210, Melrose
Place, Party of Five,
and My
So-Called Life.
4.) You tight-rolled your jeans.
5.) You wore big hoop earrings.
6.) You thought bellbottoms were horrible and
couldn't understand
why
anyone would've ever worn them.
7.) You watched Dial MTV, and remember who
Nelson, Slaughter,
Warrant, and
Winger were.
8.) You knew how to do the dances called the
MC Hammer, the Roger
Rabbit,
and the running man.
9.) You owned a pair of K-Swiss, Keds, or Air
Jordans.
10.) You thought "Ice Ice Baby" was the
coolest song ever, and when your
parents told you Vanilla Ice would be a shot
in the pan, you
refused to
believe them.
11.) You remember when they played "I'm Proud
to be an American"
every 15
minutes during the Gulf War.
12.) Your bangs were at least 4 inches high,
and you thought it
looked
good.
13.) A hairdryer was required to set your
hair.
14.) You rolled up the sleeves of your
t-shirts, and tucked in the
front,
letting the back hang out.
15.) You had any "No Fear" or "B.U.M."
clothing.
16.) You wore 2 pairs of neon colored socks.
17.) You wore overalls with only one side
connected.
18.) You had Electric Youth perfume.
19.) You remember when cartoons were actually
GOOD, and not scary
like the
Teletubbies.
20.) You loved to slow dance to Power
Ballads.
21.) You had a "slap bracelet".
22.) You wore your sweatpants pulled up to
your knees.
23.) You had a black Debbie Gibson hat.
24.) You wanted to be just like Paula Abdul.
25.) You know the words to "The Humpty
Dance".
26.) You owned the Bell Biv DeVoe tape.
27.) You said, "SIKE!" or "WAY!"
28.) You saw "Wayne's World" at least 2 times
at the theater.
29.) You loved the New Kids (and Joey was
probably your favorite.)
(TRY
JORDAN!!)
30.) You wore jeans pulled up to your navel.
31.! ) All of your clothes were "baggy".
32.) You owned a pair of biker shorts.
33.) You wore "water shoes" into the pool.
34.) You had a boom box, or your stereo was a
weird color like
pink.
35.) You bought tapes instead of CDs.
36.) You never missed "Fresh Prince".
37.) You or someone you knew wore
"Cross-Colors" clothing.
38.) You remember when TLC weren't divas, and
they dressed like
they were
in the circus.
39.) You thought "I'm Too Sexy" was such a
cool song.
40.) You "busted a move" while C&C Music
Factory was playing.
41.) You remember when Mark Wahlberg was part
of "Marky Mark and
the Funky
Bunch".
42.) You owned a silk shirt, which you tucked
into your jeans.
43.) You had jeans in various colors, like
green, brown, black...
44.) You had a "Button Your Fly" t-shirt.
45.) You had a Ren and Stimpy t-shirt.
46.) You thought long-haired heavy metal
bands would never go out
of style.
47.) You were addicted to Nintendo.
48.) There were multiple rubber bands on your
pony tail.
49.) You gave the "peace" sign all the time.
50.) You loved Beavis and Butthead.
51.) If you were a guy, you had your hair
shaved underneath and
you parted
it down the middle.
52.) You or your sister owned a banana
barette and a T-clip.
53.) You were a punk rocker for Halloween at
least once.
We didn't choose to be part of an era so
dumb. But we all went
through it.
Send this to all your friends who worshipped
MC Hammer just like
you did.
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all
day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you
checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one
more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the
money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but
I'm the only one
talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big
Breasted Bed Thrasher:
have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest
woman on earth
tonight.
9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow
the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside
Superdrug, so I could ride
you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille
name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm
naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the
stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a
light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a
stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your
smiles, and even farther
for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I
could be you by
morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just
going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any
questions?
22. F@# 23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled
heap on my bedroom
floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be
screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should
I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were
looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over
and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me
anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how
much have you been
drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last
man on earth, I bet we
could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No?
Why? Don't you like
pizza?
34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you
shouldn't go home without
me.
35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can
see myself in them.
37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I
think he went into this
cheap motel room.
38. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get
you out of these wet
clothes.
He said...."I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it." He said...."Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?" She said..."What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" He said...."Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way." She said..."Well, you succeeded."
He said...."Two inches more, and I would be king." On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere" Priest....."I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband." He said...."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" He said...."Let's go out and have some fun tonight." He said...."Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?" He said...."Shall we try a different position tonight?"
Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw Ups
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most
people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le",translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Please note...these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
1.Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and Nascar.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
1. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends like THEIR relationships are SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1.We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED - Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES - Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH - Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert
a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING - In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK - The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL - This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN - Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. (What does this guy do for a living?)
LONGEST TURD - The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART - Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington
designating Southern slang, or "Hickonics," as a language to be
taught
in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a
Hickophone.
The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes' went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000
in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - Calendar divisions.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't
herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and
yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them bammer boys sure is ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup
truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat
tar on my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see
that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or
combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, 'n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn
country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas mostly consisting of oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob-war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that
bob-war
fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a
minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see."
Usage: "I seed that cow was did right off."
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
BR>
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view
event
in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know
how
fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer
all
over
the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during
a
time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable
response to "I love you".
21.The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an
acceptable
excuse for tardiness.
23 At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you
would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus
and
right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"
cards.
Perplexing Questions:
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they’re all stuck
together?
Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a
"near
>miss"? Shouldn’t it be called a "near hit"?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license
to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How do you know it’s an ENDLESS LOOP?
If you keep trying to solve Murphy’s Law, will something keep
going wrong?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it
from a height, what would happen?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called
cargo?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations..
FUNNY STATISTICS!!!!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
******
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
******
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
******
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be...)
******
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
******
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
******
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
******
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
******
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
******
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
******
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a
calorie.
******
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
******
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
******
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
******
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
******
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
******
Polar bears are left handed. (Damn, they live 9 years
shorter...)
******
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
******
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a 5'9" human jumping the length of 2-1/4 football fields.
******
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
starves to
death.
******
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home.. what the...)
*****
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I want
to be a
pig...quality over quantity)
******
Butterflies taste with their feet.
******
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (white men
can't either!)
******
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
******
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I think I've dated an ostrich once... or twice..)
******
Starfish haven't got brains. (I definitly dated one!)
******
After reading all these, all I can say is... "Damn Pigs."
Who studied these things, and did my taxes pay for it???
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't
expect you to keep yours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Why are you late to school?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be
cheating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher ... snakes don't have feet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT (sadly): You don't know my father.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY: No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!
FINE
Side Note:
FIVE MINUTES
NOTHING
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
LOUD SIGH
SOFT SIGH
THAT'S OKAY
PLEASE DO
THANKS
THANKS A LOT
Survivor...Texas style
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do
its
own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in
Dallas,
travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to
Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to
Midland,
Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to
Abilene,
Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,
"I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait
Sucks,
Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after
an operation. She was awake so he examined her. She asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex
life again, Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's
the matter Doctor? I will be alright , won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine Miss Lewinsky. It's just
that no one has ever asked me that question after having
their tonsils out!"
Q: Why did the Clintons decide to name their dog Buddy?
A: Because nobody wanted to yell, "Come, Spot," out loud.
Over 43 Million daily joke emails delivered every month !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TwistedHumor.com Funnies of the Day - June 13, 2002
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What Happens If An Insect Falls Into A Mug of Beer
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American:
Chinese:
Indian:
Pakistani: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between secretaries and wives?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on
his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?"
Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life
this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!"
A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and
he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of
his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Louie says,
"No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery
ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so
damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu
girl in accounting out on a date!"
The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the
hall. One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?"
Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Hindu
girl in accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at
dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we
wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me
the best blow job I ever had!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men are sitting on a bench. One's a Texan wearing
a Stetson, one's an Indian from India wearing a turban,
and the last is an Apache Indian with an eagle feather
woven in his hair.
The Apache Indian is rather glum and says, "Once my people
were many, but now we are few."
The Indian puffs up his chest and says, Once my people
were few, but now we are many millions."
The Texan adjusts his hat, finishes rolling a smoke, leans
back in his chair and drawls, "That's 'cuz we ain't played
no cowboys and ragheads yet, pardner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUICKIES:
Q: What do you call a clean smelling Paki?
Q: Who killed more Indians than John Wayne?
It has been studied and determined that the most often used
sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are
awaiting
their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from
Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a
stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at
the
Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were
few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played
Cowboys and Muslims yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW HUMILIATING WOULD THIS BE!!!
This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add
statistical
info.
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the
passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady
stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was
sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would
check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a
second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I
believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers
had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them,
to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath
the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I
help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can.
I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located
it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on
the side!"
The Ole CPO
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into a waterfront bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a piano player
and business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked. "I'm retired," was the answer. "As a matter of fact, I'm a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer but since I retired I've done nothing but drink, chase broads and play the piano.
Now, really unsure, the barkeep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business.
"The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he
finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and told him that he sounded really, really good. "What do
you call that?" he asked.
"It's called 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight,'" said the old Chief as he took a long pull from the beer. The crowd winced along with the bartender but the piano player went on. "I got another," ...And he began to play again.
What followed was a knee-slappin,' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room. After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but then he noticed that the old man's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "Look Chief, the job is yours but first I gotta ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell I wrote it!
"C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh"
BR>
Two Canadians, Bob and Doug, are sitting in a bar, tossing back
a few Labatts. They have become quite drunk and decide to play
a game.
Doug thinks for a minute and comes up with the category. "The
category is Moosecock," Doug says. "Ask your questions, eh" he
says to Bob.
"Alright, my first question, eh. Can you eat it, eh?"
Doug thinks to himself....."Yeah, I guess you can eat it, eh."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American is at a restaurant one morning having his coffee
and a croissant with jam, when a Canadian man, chewing gum,
sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian
who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Canadian: "Do you Americans eat the whole bread, eh?"
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens
in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread, eh?"
BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So,
she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his
animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog
biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling
him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast
in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back
in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how
her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.
The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a district judge went out on a binge and threw up
all over his new suit. He came home that night, disrobed
then passed out next to his wife.
"Well," the judge replied, "last night I decided to ride
around with the city police while the made a few arrests
on some drunk drivers. They loaded a drunk up in the car
and he threw up all over me. But don't worry dear, this
morning when he comes before me in court, I'll make sure he
pays enough to clean my suit."
That morning in court his wife called him up on the
telephone. She asked, "John have you run that drunk through
court, that threw up on your suit?"
The judge answered, "No."
She replied, "Well you'd better charge him a lot more cause
he shit your pants, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confident Man!
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I
was
just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special
about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I
am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes For Musicians!!!
The definition of Perfect Pitch:
The definition of a gentleman:
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
Q: How can you tell when your guitar player is trying to get into the studio?
Q: What do you call the guy surrounded by musicians?
The true definition of an optimist is an accordionist who carries a pager!
Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
Q: Why does the guitarist leave his case on the dashboard?
Q: Why do drummers join bands?
Q: What did the drummer get on his SAT test?
Q. What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
Q. What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
Q. What's the best way to play a banjo?
Q. Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
Q. How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
Q. How can you tell a drummer in a crowd at your front door?
Q. What did the bass player say on his first job?
Q. Why do bands need roadies?
Q. How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. What's the difference between a musician and a US savings bond?
Q. Who is the patron Saint of the accordion?
Q. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
Q. What has 8 teeth and forty feet?
Q. How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Q. What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Q. What's the difference between a pig and a musician?
Q. What's the difference between a bass player and a toilet?
Q. How can you tell when a singer's at your door?
Q. What's the difference between a snake and a trombone player?
Q. What's the difference between the owner of a night club and the PLO?
Q. What's the range of a tuba?
Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a puppy?
Q. What does a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
Q. Why do drummers have a half ounce more brain than a horse?
Q. What's the difference between a Oboe and a Bassoon?
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
Q. Why is a drummer like a skud missile?
Q. What's the difference between a Cello and a Coffin?
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a guitar player?
Q. How do you get two violins to play in perfect unison?
Q. How can you pick out a trombonists' kids on the playground?
Q: What do you call 100 accordionists at the bottom of the ocean?
Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
Q. What's an accordion good for?
Q. What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
Q. What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
Q. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
Q. What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
Q. Why are viola jokes so short?
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
Q. How do you tell if a bass player is actually dead?
Q: What do you call two fretless bassists playing in unison?
Q. What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: WOMEN!
"PREGNANCY - Questions And Answeres!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Q: What is the most reliable method
to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
Q: My childbirth
instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but
pressure. Is she right?
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
Q: Is there any
reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is
in
labor?
Q: Is there anything I
should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Q: Do I have to have a baby
shower?
Q: Our baby was born last week. When
will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
1. Everyone around you has
an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every
bumper sticker
that
says "How's my driving-call
1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an
invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're
convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone i! s scheming to drive you
crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and
you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
...AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...And if you got this far... You must be really Bored!
Subject: High school flashbacks
You Know You're a Teen of the Early 90s If...
Subject: 38 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines
HE SAID, SHE SAID (no not from the movie, but possibly the song)
She said..."You wear briefs, don't you?"
She said..."Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money."
He said...."It's not my fault...I ran out of money."
She said..."Two inches less, and you'd be queen."
Written just below it: "I do not"
She said..."Who's gonna look?"
She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the porch light on."
She said..."I would, but you're never there."
She said..."That's a good idea; you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW.......
INCREDABLE FACTS!!!
Subject: Southern Slang
(More Of...)If Men TRULY ran the world...
...Just Thoughts...
...More of... Why teachers get gray hair!
WORDS WOMEN USE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we
are
right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to
have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I
feel
that it's an even trade.
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies
an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care."
You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of
the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your
best
bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to
a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she
has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A
Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be
careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will
only
tell you "Nothing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.
The co-worker says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!" Louie says,
"No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down,
and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it...
and I won another ten grand!"
(SOMEONE SENT THIS TO US... "AFTER" We Did Our Skit On The "TWIN TOWERS"... Yes, It looks like someone's remaking our material AGAIN!)
...BUT HERE IT IS...
An eighty-year-old man is walking around New York with his
grandson in the year 2060. The old man stops for a second,
takes off his hat and bows his head. He puts his hat back
on and starts walking again. The grandson asks, "Grandpa,
what was that you just did?"
The old man says, "Well, a long time ago these ragheads
from Pakistan came and leveled a couple of our buildings
and a lot of people died."
The little boy paused for a second and said, "Grandpa, what's
Pakistan?"
A: As if!!
A: Union Carbide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and
plays dead.
Texas Cowboy
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and
the
discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners
learn
that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an
uneasy
lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The
wind
outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane
comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he
speaks:
"Once my people were many, Now we are few."
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a
biology
class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen
which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you
correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in
semen?"
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The
poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she
had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
without a
word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was
classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet
because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue
and not
the back of your throat. Have a good day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOLESTED
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For All You Canadians...
Back in the 1800s, when Canada's founding fathers gathered to
discuss and plan independence from England, the issue of what
to call this new country naturally came up.
One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to
the south did and pitched the idea. "USA is simple. It's
>catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the
alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our
name. What do you think, eh?"
Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of
the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding
fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he
picked them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So how bout we play twenty questions, eh?" says Bob. "You pick
the category, I will ask the questions."
"Is it Moosecock?" asks Bob.
American: "Of course we do."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside, eh. The crusts are collected in a
container, recycled into croissants, and sold to America, eh."
American: "Of Course we do."
>Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't, eh. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America, eh."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do, eh", the Canadian says with
a big smirk on his face.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, eh."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to
Canada."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do the McKenzie brothers, Prime Minister Jean Chretien and the Canadian Navy have in common ?
A: They drink enough to float the crown!
An Oldie... But Goodie...
The next morning his wife woke him up and asked him what
happened to his suit.
Throwing a banjo in the toilet and not hitting the rim.
He can play the Banjo, but chooses not to.
Q: How many female singers does it take to sing "Crazy?"
A: All of them!
A: Hey guys, let's do one of my songs.
A: He's late and he's got the wrong Key.
A: The drummer!
A: A drummer.
A: So he can park in the handicapped spot.
A: They like to hang out with musicians.
A. Drool.
A. If you put both of them on the Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.
A. Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
A. His amp.
A. With a hack saw.
A. Even a virus has some pride.
A. You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
A. He's the one wearing the Domino's pizza hat.
A. Would you like fries with that coke?
A. To translate for the drummer.
A. One, he just holds onto the bulb and the world revolves around him.
A. Seven - one to hold the bulb and six to drink until the room spins.
A. One - as long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket.
A. One of them eventually matures and earns money.
A. Our lady of Spain.
A. It took an hour to get the drummer out.
A. The front row of a blue grass concert.
A. Put a chart in front of him.
A. Homeless.
A. A pig won't stay up all night trying to sleep with a musician.
A. A toilet only has to take crap from one butt hole at a time.
A. You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.
A. Chances are, the snake is going to a gig.
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.
A. 20 yards, if you have a good arm.
A. The puppy will stop whining after a couple of months.
A. You know it's coming and there is nothing you can do about it.
A. So they don't disgrace themselves in a parade.
A. The Bassoon will burn longer.
A. The bow is moving.
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
A. The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
A. To get away from the noise.
A. When you plug them in they both suck.
A. A Doberman.
A. Shoot one.
A. They're always complaining that the slide doesn't work right....and they NEVER swing!
A. A good start.
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
A. Learning how to fold maps.
A. Will the defendant please rise.
A. You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
A. There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
A. A fiddle is fun to listen to.
A. So violinists can understand them.
A. None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
A. Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
A. A flat minor.
A. 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)
A. He puts his Leslie on "slow".
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
A. Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
A: A minor second
A.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
A: With any luck, right after he finishes
college.
A: Childbirth.
A: So
what's your question?
A: Yes, in the same way that a
tornado might be called an air current.
A: Right after you
find out you're pregnant.
A: Not unless the word "alimony"
means anything to you.
A: Yes! ,
pregnancy.
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very
quickly.
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
