Innocent Atheists Face Christian Oppression

"Do you want a cookie?" Those were the words that Michael Candiotti heard when quietly walking through his USU campus to get to his next class. Now, if you're superior and intelligent at all, then you would be as shocked as we are. At first, Michael didn't know how to respond. He had never been treated so arrogantly! He then socked the bible thumper who was trying to force his cookies upon him and told the bigot that he didn't want his narrow-minded baked goods. After that, he promptly walked away so as to avoid a scene. He then contacted one of S.I.H.T.A.R.B.T.I.N.G.'s attornies to take legal action. The First Amendment dictum of the separation of church and state had clearly been violated.

S.I.H.T.A.R.B.T.I.N.G.'s own lawyer, Dr. I. P. Freely, Ph.D., declared, "This has to stop! Innocent atheists everywhere are being oppressed by Christian hate cookies! We intend to sue every last pant leg off of those bible thumpers." The case, Candiotti v. Christianity, will be heard on the 18th under the state supreme court. S.I.H.T.A.R.B.T.I.N.G. intends to back up Mr. Candiotti all the way. "We have been oppressed and denied our liberties by bible thumpers and their home-baked cookies for too long," said Michael Candiotti. "It's time we atheists take a stand for ourselves. After all, we are the superior and intelligent ones here."

Michael was then asked to recall all the events of the day prior to his encounter with the hate-mongers. However, sadly, his eyes began to water. He struggled to fight back tears as he recounted the events of that day. Resident atheist, Dr. Dingleberry Blackwood, Ph.D., who was also present, tried comforting him, since he had been the victim of similar disturbing acts of injustice. "I'm still seeing my atheist psychiatrist," Dr. Blackwood, Ph.D., said.
Michael went on to ask and plead, "Why? Why can't they just be tolerant and accept everything everyone says as true without question? Why can't they be like liberal, new-age atheists? Why, why, why?" he choked out before he broke down in the arms of our S.I.H.T.A.R.B.T.I.N.G. official, sobbing.
"Michael has been the victim of what we in the practice like to call 'post-traumatic intolerant disorder.' He has obviously been emotionally harmed by these cookie-baking fanatics and no doubt, mental scars will linger on for years," commented Attorney I. P. Freely, Ph.D. "We're looking at a settlement of... one million dollars!" Mr. Freely then put his pinky to his lip while dramatic music played in the background.

When asked what they intended to do with one million dollars, Freely, Ph.D., mumbled something about "global domination" and a "retirement plan."

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