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What is Biblical Marriage?
This is the first article from our newest
writer, Evie. It was originally a post on a forum, but since it was so
good (and stated what I wanted to so much better than I could) I
decided to publish it here.
The problem I have with most arguments against the submission of the
wife is that they center around the assumption that we are all entitled
to certain things. In this culture, we believe we are entitled to
whatever career we want, whatever hobbies we want, whatever activities
we choose to fill our free time. Indeed, democracy is largely
designed to guarantee us these rights--"life, liberty, and the pursuit
of happiness," etc.
However, as Christians, we must accept that we do not own
ourselves. We were bought at a price (1
Corinthians 6:19-20). Marriage is designed to teach us this,
and thus make us more holy. The biblical roles assigned to the
man and the woman are designed to facilitate this.
A. Before I begin listing the purposes of
marriage and how they are accomplished through the biblical roles of
the husband and wife, I will define these roles:
1. The husband is to love
the wife and sacrifice himself for her, as Christ did for the church.
(Ephesians
5:25-33, among other places in the NT) Rather than setting the
husband up as a dictator, this gives the responsibility to the husband
to be selfless. His authority within the marriage stems from this
sacrifice. For a man to love a woman as Christ loves the church
is, as we can all agree, an awful lot of love.
2. The wife is to respect
the husband and submit to him as the church submits to Christ.
(Ephesians
5:22-24, 33)
This submission is a natural response to the husband's Christlike
love. Just as we as Christians should submit to God's will out of
gratitude for the sacrifice Christ made for us, a wife submits to her
husband out of gratitude for the sacrifices he makes for her.
3. Further clarifications
and what the roles are not:
The Bible does not define a woman's role in the same way American
culture of the 1950s might have done, so to bring these stereotypes
into the discussion is a fallacy. The kitchen, for instance, is
the traditional domain of the woman. However, if the man is a
better cook and enjoys cooking, there would be nothing unbiblical about
his working in the kitchen. If the woman is better at balancing
the checkbook or fixing the sink, then by all means, she should do
it--this doesn't take away the leadership role of the man. The
fact is, however, that many tasks that are traditionally attributed to
a particular gender are such because one of the genders tends to be
more suited to it. However, as long as the man is the leader, I
don't see a problem with some departure from tradition. Proverbs
31 provides many examples of how a woman can take an active role in
her household, even initiating business ventures. In my opinion,
a woman having a career is entirely biblical. This career,
however, should not take her focus from her children, if she has
them. One of the great lies women are told today is that they are
entitled to have it all--an ultrasuccessful career and a family.
My reading of the Bible is that a career is fine, as long as it
supports the family, rather than taking a woman's attention from
it. With very small children, a woman is likely to have to make
sacrifices in the extent of her involvement in a career.
Traditional is not the same thing as biblical. The Bible does not
define the roles so specifically as society tends to. Within the
context God has given us, two spouses are free to take on tasks that
are best suited to their own strengths and weaknesses. This is
part of working as a team.
B. Why do we have to assume these particular
roles?
1. It makes us more
Christlike because we are modeling the relationship of Christ to the
church.
Why can't it be the man in the second role and the woman in the
first? Because God didn't design it that way. We don't have
to worry about which role we are most suited for. God created us
to fit the roles he commands us to fill.
2. Every group must have a
leader.
I believe the man and the woman are equal, but different.
However, a family, however small, is a group, and every group must have
a leader, or anarchy results. When a group lacks a leader, it is
more inefficient and tends to be plagued by more disputes. I can
testify to this through my own experiences in groups with
ambiguous leadership. Instead of leaving the husband and the wife
to struggle over who is to occupy this leadership role, the Bible
averts the inevitable conflict by assigning this role to the man.
It is not, however, arbitrary, as God has created man and woman for
these roles.
C. What are these roles designed to help us
accomplish? Here are a few purposes of marriage that are
strengthened by these roles:
1. To create a proper
Christian environment for raising children.
This is undoubtedly one purpose of marriage, and the addition of
children to a family requires even more sacrifice on the part of both
spouses. In the matter of raising children, furthermore, it is
necessary to have a leader of the two parents in order to resolve
disagreements and to act as the spiritual leader. The Bible's
assignment of the headship of the family to the man provides for this
necessity.
Christ is still glorified through a childless marriage, however, as the
rest of the purposes of marriage are fulfilled regardless of the
presence of children:
2. To teach both spouses
to submit to God's authority.
As Christians, our very lives should be acts of submission - submission
to the will of God. Marriage teaches this because of the
immediate obligations the spouses have to each other. Because the
wife submits to the husband (ideally), he is responsible for submitting
to God's will, so that both are led in the direction God would have
them go.
Because marriage should be a pleasant experience, the spouses are able
to learn to respect authority in a rewarding way. This helps them
to be more willing to submit to other authorities, because they
themselves act as a model for respecting God-established authority.
3. To remind both spouses
that they do not own themselves.
When two people share their lives, they must necessarily make
sacrifices for each other. The husband is to be the leader in
this sacrifice, and the wife's desire to sacrifice for her husband is a
response to this. Marriage creates a situation in which two
people have to look out for each other's needs. It is the end of
putting one's own goals and desires first, because the two have become
one entity. Both must act in the best interests of the group, for
each other. The man learns this through his sacrifice to the
wife. The wife learns this through submission to the
husband. Both must give up part of themselves. It is this
giving up of self that is so offensive to modern feminists--it is human
nature to want to retain control of ourselves, to cling to our
selfishness. We grow up thinking we have the right to
ourselves. But this is not Christ's plan for us. Marriage
puts us in a situation in which we must act out Christlike
unselfishness, and we are motivated to do this through the love God
blesses us by enabling us to have for one another. We have mutual
responsibility to one another, and this love makes this responsibility
more pleasant to fulfill. Neither partner retains complete
control of himself or herself:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise
the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her
alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's
body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. - 1
Corinthians 7:3-4
Therefore, the submission of the wife to her husband is not the
absorption of the wife's self into the selfish desires of the
husband. Rather it is the absorption of both selves into the will
of God.
4. To help both
spouses understand real, Christlike love.
This is primarily accomplished through the Christlike sacrifice of the
husband to the wife. The love of Christ is acted out to the wife
in the person of her husband, and the husband learns the meaning of
Christlike love because God blesses him with the capacity to have this
love for his wife. The husband imitates Christ's sacrifice; the
wife imitates Christ's submission to the will of the Father.
Therefore, both become more Christlike and are better able to
understand and demonstrate Christlike love to others.
5. To better serve God by
working together in ministry.
To take a biblical example, Priscilla and Aquilla were a couple who
worked together to further the gospel. This is also apparent in
many Christian couples. This could be in the form of a wife
supporting her husband's ministry. However, it is not unbiblical
if she takes a more active role. For instance, the husband and
wife might serve God together through music, drama, teaching, or
writing. Meanwhile, a ministry, like any organization or venture
(perhaps more so), is in need of clearly defined leadership. When
the husband acts as the leader and submits his will to God's will, the
best results are achieved. If the two struggle for leadership (as
would necessarily occur in the absence of a definite leader) the
results are chaos, conflict, and an inability to do what God would have
the couple to do.
D. Conclusion
Without the roles that are defined by the Bible, these benefits would
not occur, because both spouses would be acting through their own human
self-interest. This is the type of marriage the world teaches us
that we deserve to have. People marry because it suits them,
because they like spending time with someone and think that marriage
will automatically solve their problems and make them happy.
Unfortunately, this idea is widespread even among the church.
People believe that the primary function of marriage is to make both
spouses happier. However, when we seek happiness in a marriage,
we are only seeking personal fulfillment. Because both spouses
are acting for personal happiness, they are unlikely to attain
it. When their interests conflict, they have no standard that
leads them to selflessness. The marriage is only happy as long as
both spouses attain personal fulfillment, and because their
self-interests are not likely to coincide at all times (if ever).
Without Christlike sacrifice, the disintegration of a loving marriage
relationship takes only as long as the period of time necessary for two
people to grow tired of one another. When both have entered the
relationship for self-fulfillment, this is certainly a short period of
time. This is what is wrong with marriage today.
When we model marriages after the biblical example, then we seek to
imitate Christ and to please God. Ironically enough, by not
seeking personal happiness first, we are more likely to attain
it. Though the purpose of the Christian walk in general is not to
attain happiness, submission to God's will contributes to one's peace
and joy, both of which are superior forms of happiness to the temporary
self-fulfillment that the world teaches is supreme. When the
Christian's relationship to Christ is modelled in the mutually
supportive relationship of marriage, the overall well-being of both
spouses will (as a general rule) be greater.
In conclusion, the biblical marriage roles are not arbitrary rules that
stem from man's desire to rule over woman. Rather, the roles stem
from God's desire to make both man and woman holier through their
relationships to each other. These regulations, therefore, are
not remnants of a backward culture. They are useful (nay,
necessary!) models for successful Christian marriages. Their
purpose is not to restrict us, but to free us from ourselves.
(Acknowledgements: I owe my gratitude to some amazing Christian
women at TheologyWeb who helped me understand these things. I am
a human being, and my sinful human nature desires independence.
It is not my natural tendency to submit to the authority of any
man. As I've grown to realize, however, God does not desire us to
be independent of one another. He did not create us to be this
way. We are not, despite what the world tells us, stronger
because we are able to stand alone. We are stronger when we admit
that we are weak and need other Christians to help us in our
walk. The marriage relationship is one of the purest examples of
the help Christians can provide to each other. Though I'm pretty
sure none of them will read this, my thanks to these women and to other
Christian women in my life is infinite. My gratitude to God for
providing teachers is also immeasurable.)
Written by Evie Breithaupt
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