Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, 'Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely.' Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter. He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, 'I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.' Saint Peter fulfills Bill's request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets back to Hell there's been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, 'What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!' The Devil says, 'Oh that... That was just the demo!'
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One upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that wouldn't ring. People came from miles around to try it. One day a small fellow came up to the priest and said 'I can do it'. The priest said 'Ok, try it.' The little fellow went to the steeple, took three steps back and ran into the bell with his face. BONG!! The bell rang and he was hired. One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring the bell, the wind moved the bell. The little fellow missed the bell and fell out of the steeple. He landed in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what happened. The priest came through the crowd and asked, 'Does anyone know this fellow's name?' Just then one person replies, 'I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!'
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A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, 'Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?' The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, 'What do you want?' The snail said, 'Could you lend me 10 bucks?' The man yelled, 'Get out of here!' and then kicked him off the porch. About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, 'What did you do that for?'
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One day there were two monks. One was a apprentice, and one was the head monk. The head monk was teaching the apprentice how to copy the scrolls. He showed him the right kind of paper to use and the right kind of writing style to use. The apprentice one day asked where the scrolls he was copying came from. Monk: 'From other scrolls.' Apprentice: 'And those came from where?' Monk: 'Other scrolls.' Apprentice: 'And those.' Monk: 'Well, all of the original scrolls are down in our vault. I can take you to see them if you want.' So the monk and the apprentice went down to the vault, and after the monk was looking for a half hour he came out screaming! Monk 'Oh God! What are we to do now? The word was CELEBRATE!'
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An elderly women wakes up one morning and finds her 16 year old dog laying on the floor. 'Oh no,' she says 'there must be something wrong with Scruffy!' She scoops the dog up and rushes him to the vet. Doctor doctor, please help, she says as she puts him on the table. After a short examination the doctor says, 'I'm sorry madam but I believe your dog has died.' 'Oh but there must be something you can do,' said the woman. 'Well there is one thing,' said the vet as he pulled a sack from the closet near by. The vet opened the sack and placed a scronny old cat on the table next to the dog. The cat looked at the dog and hissed. It then preceeded to walk around the dog cautiosly, smelling and hissing. The vet put the cat back in the bag and said, 'there is nothing more I can do.' The old women said,'I guess you're right doctor, Scruffy hates cats and if he wasn't dead he would surely have barked.' The vet said that he would take care of the arrangements and the old women went home. Three weeks later the old women recieved a bill from the vet for $338.00. The old women thought there must be a mistake, so she called the vet for an explanation. When the vet answered the phone he pulled out the bill and told the women that he had charged her $38.00 for taking care of Scruffy's arrangements. The old women said,'that seems fair but I don't understand what the $300.00 is for. 'Oh,' said the vet, 'that was for the cat scan!'
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Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because they are all PIGS!- This joke is sooooo sexist.
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Why is Clinton having such a hard time deciding what to do with Elian Gonzalez? Because the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was almost impeached.
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch. I simply don't get this one. Someone clue me in, please?
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A man was sitting in a bar which happened to be located on the top of a skyscraper. A big fella walked in and said, 'bartender, give me a Jack Daniels.' Then he downed the Jack and jumped out the window. The man sitting at the bar was stunned, as the big guy floated back in and sat down. The man at the bar was amazed and said, 'mister, how in the world did you do that?' The man said, 'Its simple, there are a lot of wind currents up here and they sweep you right back in after you jump.' The man at the bar said, 'Well, can I try?' 'Sure.' So the man ran and jumped out the window and fell to his death making a terrible racket. The bartender looked at the man and said, 'Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!'
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There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain.
The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.
After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
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There once were 2 men named Zip and Doo Dah. Zip and Doo Dah were best friends. The 2 friends decided to go fishing one day, but during their outting the boat sank, and while Zip was an expert swimmer, Doo Dah had never been one for swimming and tragically drowned.
Now Zip had a slight speaking problem; he had a terrible stutter. He was asking his friends how to tell Doo Dah's wife about the tragedy. "B-B-But I c-c-can't sp-sp-sp-speak that w-w-w-well, h-h-h-how a-a-am I g-g-g-going to t-t-t-tell h-h-h-her?" he asked?
One friend, being helpful, answered: "Well, doctors have found that when stutterers sing something, they don't usually stutter. If you can find a way to do that, then you should be fine."
Zip thought about this all day and finally went to Doo Dah's house and knocked on the door. When Doo Dah's wife answered the door, Zip sang, with tears in his eyes: "We went fishin and guess who drowned? DOO DAH, DOO DAH!"
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"The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'." --Larry Hardiman.
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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much.
One day while walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them.
The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was pretty surprised at the simplicity Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe this and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!"
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A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?" "What's that?" the girl replies replies. Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."
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"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom." --Rodney Dangerfield.
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Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it really pay to cook?"
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny,squeaky voice, 'I'd like to try the bet.' After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,' What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?' The man replied, 'I work for the IRS.'
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One day two boys decided to start swearing. The first boy says,'I'm gonna say 'hell.'' The other boy says,'I'm gonna say 'ass.'' So they go down to breakfast. The mom says to the first boy,'What do you want for breakfast?' He says,'Hell mom, I think I'll have Cheerios.' She slaps him and he runs upstairs crying. Then she asks the second boy,'What do you want for breakfast?' He says,'Well, you bet your ass it's not Cheerios!'
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A flat bloke goes into his doctors, complaining that he needed to lose weight.'I'm at the end of my tether doctor, is there anything you can suggest I do?' So the doctor examines him and after some prodding and tutting finally suggests that he should spend six months in hospital, with his jaws wired shut.'Well, OK doctor, it sounds drastic, but I guess that's what I need.' Anyway, six months go by and the bloke comes out of hospital, as thin as a rake. He goes round to the doctors to thank him.'There's only one problem doctor, you see I was so fat beforehand, that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?''Hmm, short of pretty comprehensive plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Take your clothes off a moment.' So the bloke strips down and the doctor goes to him and grabs the layers of skin around his middle. Then squeezing it all upwards, he ties it in a ball above his head. 'That's all well and good doctor', the bloke said,'but my navel is now in the middle of my forehead.' The doctor replies, 'Yes, but you should see what you have got for a collar and tie!'
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Overheard: Bill Gates talking with one of his financial advisor's... Bill says, 'You did what with my 150 millon dollars? I said Snapple, not Apple!'
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A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads 'Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.' The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. 'What the hell are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake !', to which the guy responds 'Clever, me arse. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key.'
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A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. 'Officer, look what they've done to my Beeemer!', he whined. 'You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!' , retorted the officer. 'You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!' 'Oh my gaaawd...,' replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, 'Where's my Rolex?!'
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A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God left and a man comes floating up and says'Please let me in to heaven.' The other man says'I have to give you a test first' The man coming into heaven says'Oh jeez I'm not to good at tests!' The other man says'Spell LOVE' The man says'OK, L-O-V-E' Then he was let in to heaven. Then a woman came floating up and said'Please let me into heaven' The man said'Only if you pass this test' The woman said'Oh no, I'm not very good at tests' The man said'Your test is to spell LOVE' The woman said'Oh OK, L-O-V-E' Then she was let in to heaven. The next person that came floating up was the man's wife. She said'Oh honey let me in to heaven' The man said'I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven' She said'OK, make it an easy one!!!' Then the man said'Spell Czechoslovakia'
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A long time ago a cowboy was captured by the Indians. The chief tied him to a stake and said that he may have one request. The cowboy said that he wanted to talk to his horse one last time. The chief agreed. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear. The horse ran off and came back with a naked woman on his back.'Ahhh, very good choice!' said the chief.'You can use my teepee for the night, we kill you in the morning.' Day came and the cowboy was tied up again. He asked the chief for one more request. Once again, the chief agreed. The cowboy whispered something into his horse's ear again. The house galloped away and came back with two naked women on his back.'Very good!' said the chief,'One for me and one for you! Okay, we kill you in the morning!' Night went by and the cowboy was tied at the stake once more.'Please, Chief! Let me talk to my horse once more!''Okay, but no naked woman this time!' The horse leaned in and the cowboy said,'I said, get me my POSSE!'
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A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer' and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road' And the priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my door'
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Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.'What we need to do,' the reporter explained,'is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first.' After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview.'Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?''Well...' Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully.'I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!' The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding.'You mean God actually talks to you?''Yep,' the old-timer replied sincerely.'We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me.' The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas.'I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?''Why?' she asks curiously.'Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him,' the reporter explained.'Oh, damn!' Mrs. Thomas said, irritably.'Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?'
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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him,'Daddy, what is sex?' The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her,'Why did you ask this question?' The little girl replied,'Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.'
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
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