Steven's Summer 2002 Shit List
I really hate the summer months. I mean, I really HATE summer: I would abort summer if it was a baby. Have any of you seen that Nelly video with him and a bunch of girls dancing? The one where there is a fire raging in the club? Of course you have! It's just so damn hot in there, he saying to the girls that they better take off all their clothes and they say in response that, yes, they are getting really hot and it WOULD be beneficial that they take their clothes off. Sounds fun to get all hot, doesn't it? Ok, my air-conditioning in my car died last week...IT'S NOT ANY FUCKING FUN. It is usually 120 degrees every fucking day, and I drive for about an hour every day. At NOON. I remember being told that, statistically speaking, violence rises in the summer months due to the fact that people are so much more active (and I guess prone to being active ASSHOLES). I'm sittin' in my car, pounding my steering wheel, and all I think is: there is a reason why the movie is called "Summer of Sam". If I become a statistic of violence and serial murders in the summer, so be it.
I already have my shit list, afterall.
My shit list includes people that I will vaguely refer to as "asshole" or "dick" or "selfish, vain, Delia's catalogue models". I will only refer to "them" in these derogatory terms in order to A) protect the guilty, shitty, and waste of sperm (which they are) and B) demean these assfucks further. I've made this a general list so that other people might be able to join in my hate; I'm sure there are people on this list that you know and nothing warms my heart more than a shared disdain. Did I mention that they are wastes of sperm?
My special summer of '02 shit list is as follows:
- People who work in a TWO-STORY office building and make jokes like, "Third floor, please!" Wakka wakka! After the 45th time you hear it, you would consider rubbing sandpaper across your eyeballs rather than hearing it again.
- People who write self-indulgent (LIVE!) journals to get attention from certain people. THEY KNOW are reading these journals which are always a waste time....uh, unless it's Tia's. : )
- People who put smiley icons on every damn thing.
- People who leave soda cans that still have drink left in them on the floor board of your car and DON'T say a GODDAMN thing to you about it before they leave. It's like a retarded, perverse present. These pricks are also the same people who bend your ear about the importance of etiquette and yadda yadda...thanks, ass smear!
- People who talk about committing suicide...BUT NEVER DO. A big problem in this town. Though I hope it isn't a problem in Hartsville...I hope they at least follow through. ; ) That's right, Hartsville, I'm winking at you. For a 99.9 % probability of a successful suicide, always put the gun in your mouth or under your chin. Never at your temple. If you put it at your temple, you might hurt yourself. And as Henry Rollins says, "If you're hurt, you're still breathing...and that's not ANY good". Not any good for rest of us, anyway.
- People who come from Hartsville. Reason: They're from Hartsville. Method of eradication: See above.
- People who don't use dangerous drugs and put their lives in jeopardy. They just don't get it, do they?
- People who happened to be mentally handicapped and refuse to stick pencils in their eyes, no matter HOW MANY TIMES you tell them to. I mean, what the fuck are they? Privileged? Handicapped??
- People who are co-dependent in their relationships. You know who I'm talking about. Remember, it's not "Bill" and "Amy" anymore, it's "Bamy" or "Aill". They don't just get engaged, they merge like some powerful corporation or company. If you are talking to one of them (which is impossible, you can't separate them!), they will listen to you until their significant other/life partner/leech says something. The sound coming off his Lover's palate makes his head swivel to her; he grasps at her to make sure she is ok. At this point, they both completely ignore you and continue to converse in baby talk with each other.
- People who want to gain the limelight and thus, confidence, from demeaning and debasing others in a social circle. This is the guy/girl whose every joke involves someone in that social group. The jokes are personal jokes under the guise of "having fun". Of course, they try to get attention this way b/c that is the ONLY way they can get attention and this is of course b/c they are bitchy, snobby fuckwits. Their bitterness/bitchiness will eclipse any good they do in life. They will die fat, alone, and penniless, half-eaten by their 25 house cats (it takes a lot of cats to eat a big fat ass)
- People who desperately try to find good things to say about shitty people who die. Don't lie. Lying is bad. Lying about dead idiots who abuse (verbally/physically) others is bad and stupid. What are the dead people going to do to you? Beat you up?
- People who get mad at you when you laugh about a guy who has recently died. It's pretty insensitive to pass judgment on a person's taste in humor.
- People who have sex with guys who have cerebral palsy (sp)....and don't videotape it. That's some comic gold right in THERRE.
- People who wipe Christopher Reeves' butt. Just kill 'em. He doesn't look like he's having fun. I wouldn't want my butt wiped. Unless it was wiped by someone from Hartsville.
- Me for talking shit about Christopher Reeves. Bad choice of words.
Well, there it is. My Summer of '02 Shit list which has run into my "Fall of '02" Shit list. Oh well.
[Tia’s Note: Steven is going to hell, and when he gets there Christopher Reeves is going to beat him with a wheel chair and horse whip for all of eternity. That is if he doesn’t get Cerebral Palsy and live forever, unlaid.]
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