It has come to my attention that people pick out crappy movies and then complain when they suck. Not too long ago while I was still working at Finklea's a man came in and went on a rant about the movie he had rented called "Hell's Highway." It starred Phoebe Dollar, Ron Jeremy, and Beverly Lynn. Dude, really, what did you expect? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you because you spent $4.23 on a horror movie with a porn star in it? That's your fault yo.
But the fact remains that some people seem to be oblivious to the glaring stop lights that tell you when a movie is bad so I thought I'd help out with a handy, and printable, guide to what not to rent.
ANYTHING AT ALL with the following actors, or any combination of them:
- Christopher Lambert - (excluding the first couple of "Highlander"s) The mans accent gets worse and worse through time. Highlander gets many cool points, for sheer absurdity reasons, because somebody cast Lambert playing the Scottish dude and Sean Connery as an Italian. Now that's what I call creativity.
- Richard Grieco - (excluding "If Looks Could Kill) He is not sexy, he's not hot, he's not a good actor.
- Stephen Baldwin - (excluding "Threesome") No Baldwin has ever sucked quite so much.
- Gary Busey, Junior or Senior - "Look at my teeth! I am a man and I have big teeth." (Cross refference "Slap Shot 2" with Stephen Baldwin)
- Present Day Loe Diamond Phillips - Granted he had some okay stuff in the past. But just stay away from him these days before you start wanting to see movies with names like "Route 666"
- Jimmy Smits - He's a recurring Lifetime Special star waiting to happen.
- Dolph Lundren - Does he speak English?
- James Wood in a major role - As long as he's not the star it's ok. He can be anything other than the main character and the movie may be ok, but as soon as he becomes the center of attention it all goes to hell.
- Brian Dennehy - He's that guy in every movie but you don't know his name. Learn it and avoid it.
- Lou Gosset Jr. - He's so intense, he's such a bad ass, he's a drill srgt from hell!... he's so fucking annoying I hate Montell because he looks like him.
- Tom Berenger - The most evil actor in the world. Its like if his name is even somewhat tied to the film it must suck. Casting directors use his name like a curse... "So I heard you're thinking about using Tom Ber - " "Don't even say it bitch, don't make me pull out my Nolte card." He has never ever ever played in a good movie. If he made a good movie, we will never know about it cause obviously he's pissed off people in high places, namely, God. (Just as a cross reference he played in a movie with Stephen Baldwin and Denis Rodman called "Cutaway." Rush out and get it now!)
Movies that are an exact replica, except for the bad actors, of a movie that has had commercial success. i.e. "Extreme Limit" for "Vertical Limit" or "Falcon Down" for "Black Hawk Down"
Cheap box covers go to your local video store and check out the boxes for "Prison of the Dead" or "Demonicus" and you'll know what I mean.
Bad bad BAD movie titles Some examples would be: "Love Beat the Hell Out of Me" "Hell 2 The Naw" "Love Goggles" (these are actual movies yall, I couldn't make this shit up yo)
Any Sequel to a cult classic. The Crow, Carrie, American Psycho... none of these movies should have a 2 or any other number behind them. Stop pissing me off Hollywood! I'm waiting for someone to really fuck up and make a Rocky Horror Picture Show 2. Then there will be riots in gay villages across the world.
Yellow Tape If you open the box and see that the whole vhs is yellow, put it back, and thank yourself for looking first. This is the last sign that you've picked up a bad movie cause first you should have seen the bad title and the cheap cover box. But if you're stupid and still feel the need to check out the tape please do so cause the yellow tape may save you an otherwise assured two hour romp in ghetto fabulous gansta thugville.
