LETTING TEARS BRING HEALING AND RENEWAL
Letting Tears Bring Healing and Renewal
Source: Care Notes
In a group environment I once oversaw there was a
little girl, dying of leukemia, asked me for a
crying doll. Puzzled, I asked "Why do you want a
doll that can cry?" "Because I think Mommy and I
need to cry," the little girl said. "Mommy won't cry
in from of me, and I can't cry if Mommy doesn't. If
we had a crying doll, all three of us could cry
together. I think we'd feel better then."
I've found crying can make me feel better, too, when
sorrow fills my heart. Through illness and changes
it has brought, through death I have lost, dreams
for the future, family members and some of my
dearest friends. I've lost homes because of moves
with my husband being a military member. I've
experienced many other losses too. And each time it
has felt so good to cry.
I know tears aren't for women only, either. Our
culture says men must be strong and that the
strength of a man in sorrow is to be seen in his
tearless face. Tears are for women. Tears are signs
of weakness and women are permitted to be weak. But
must men always mask their suffering? May men not
sometimes allow people to see and enter their
suffering? May men not do this?
Tears are not a sign of weakness but a sign of
strength. Our tears testify to our love. And loving
calls for great courage, for in loving we always
risk getting hurt.
We cry - women and men - because we've lost someone
or something precious. While every loss is an
invitation to new life, growth is always scary. But
the tears that spring from our love can help us find
healing and renewal.
And with healing comes new courage, enabling us to
say, "I am determined to honor myself and those I
love by going on and living."
Let your tears alert you to problems you need to
deal with. Sometimes we cry because we're angry,
afraid, guilty, helpless, worn out, or just
generally depressed. It's normal to feel this way
when grieving a loss, but if you are crying
excessively and time isn't bringing relief, you need
to try to find out why by asking yourself some
questions:
At whom am I angry and why? Do I need to forgive?
Are my guilt feelings normal ones of regret or more
serious? Is not eating properly, not getting
sufficient rest or exercise, or not socializing
accentuating my normal feelings of depression? What
hidden unmet needs do I have?
Go ahead and cry - to relieve stress. When faced
with my diagnosis with an incurable disease. During
the weeks we were awaiting the outcome of tests, I
agonized. What if I should die? The possibility
caused me to begin to grieve.
Grieving is extremely stressful. It has been said
that people can actually die from broken hearts. The
good news is that crying can remove chemicals that
build up during emotional stress according to Gregg
Levoy in a Psychology Today article.
He writes that the amount of manganese stored in the
body affects our moods, and the body stores 30 times
as much of manganese in tears as in blood serum.
Biochemist William Frey says the lacrimal gland,
which determines the flow of tears, concentrates and
removes manganese from the body. Frey has also
identified three chemicals stored up by stress and
released by crying.
Another study at the University of Pittsburgh School
of Nursing has shown that healthy people cry more
frequently and feel freer to cry than people who
suffer from ulcers and colitis. Since both
conditions are closely linked with stress, Frey
suggests that tears might be a partial solution to
relief of these problems. So to cry can be healthy!
Respect the differences between the ways men and
women grieve. While men who suffer loss feel it just
as profoundly as women, men will often express their
feelings differently from women. Studies show that
men usually are not as verbal as women about their
feelings, and women cry about four times as
frequently as men.
If tears are to bring healing, men and women need to
learn to respect these differences. "I felt my
husband doesn't care when I'm in pain," a woman
said. "When she accused me of this, I was very
angry," her husband said. "I lashed back that I wish
she would quit moping around. I had to go to work
every day. How could I cry?"
A wise friend helped the woman understand that she
couldn't remake her husband into a woman in his
reaction. The man allowed his wife to find relief in
tears and, eventually, he discovered he could vent
his feelings by whamming a punching bag and chopping
wood. Some men, however, can also be helped by being
given permission to cry and encouraged to seek a
support group where they can share their hurt
openly.
Be comforted by the tears of friends. A friend wrote
of how much she dreaded going to church and hearing
the announcement of the prayer request she has given
the minister about her diagnosis or cancer. "I
inwardly braced myself," she wrote. "But in the hush
that enveloped the whole congregation I heard
someone crying. I was glad then that I was there,
for I could feel the love and concern of others. At
the end of the service, the tears of many mingled
freely with ours, but the tears provided blessed
release and comfort."
Control your crying when you need to. A friend
noticed that crying as she talked to friends over
the phone was upsetting her ill son. So she began
recording a message n her phone answering service.
She also asked her husband to answer phone calls
when he was at home.
Another mother said she realized that not crying in
front of her children might give the mistaken
message that she hadn't loved their father after his
passing. But she also understood that crying
excessively might frighten them. "So I told them
they would see me crying but they shouldn't worry,"
she said. "I explained that I needed to cry and
after a while I would feel happy again."
People employed outside the home soon discover a
need to control crying for tears are not received
kindly at places of work. But sometimes with just a
little reminder you may burst into tears.
We save our tears in inner storehouses. When the
storehouse gets filled, the tears may overflow at
something that appears quite inconsequential.
Setting aside time - perhaps on a weekend - for
purposeful grieving with understanding friends can
help. Handle clothes, smell familiar perfume, play
songs formerly sung in the shower, look at pictures,
visit the cemetery burial place of your lost loved
one. This may also help if you would like to cry but
haven't been able to.
The worst days are anniversaries and holidays. Days
meant to be celebrated of joy now are days of tears.
Many of us are afraid if this will be our last
holiday to share with our family. These days are
made worse if you have lost the loved one connected
to these dates. Some adaptions might help to ease
over these difficult days. For families grieving the
loss of a loved one you could plan a small service
of remembrance. Place flowers in a church, hospital,
or give a donation in honor of their memory. For
those grieving a loss in the changes a diagnosis
brings. When there is uncertainty about future
holidays. Make this day bright.
Let your tears wash clean the glasses through which
you see life. Looking at the world through tears
during those weeks surrounding my diagnosis and
periods of illness have changed me. It helped me to
cherish my dear ones more every day, to long to know
them better and to watch for good things in the
commonplace events of life. I understand better now
what is really of consequence. My life has become
richer and more focused.
Tears have a way of putting life in perspective.
They can actually help you to laugh again. "How can
I be crying in the morning and laughing with my
friends in the afternoon?" a young woman asked. This
bridge - building from sorrow to joy is one of the
gifts tears offer. They help you put your loss in a
special place. You don't forget your loss, but you
are freed to live.
In my life after I faced reality and together my
family and I cried. The stars have never shone as
brightly, and our laughter had never been as
genuine, loving, and healing as it is now.
"He who conceals grief finds no release for it," an
old Turkish proverb counsels. But as you open
yourself to grief and allow yourself to cry, healing
will come.
Love and Soft Hugs to all
Sherry
To sign up for Sherry's daily email digest which I
have been getting for years or to visit her
Scleroderma and Lupus website click here.
The Song That Is Being Played On This Page Is Butterfly Kisses ".
