When serving wine,
be sure and tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
so as not to spill wine on the guest.
If drinking directly from the bottle,
always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.
If your date's parents insist she be home by Monday,
remember that it is the boy's responsibility
to get her to school on time.
It is improper to take a beer cooler to church
unless the service is in a tent.
It is considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Be sure that any taxidermy
used as a special-occasion centerpiece
is free of ticks and fleas.
Always greet visitors to your yard before shooting at them.
A shot of whiskey in the milk bottle
will help keep babies from crying too loudly at funerals,
movies, and other solemn occasions.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Always dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop,
the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can,
it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer
unless she can carry enough for both of you.
Shoes and socks should be worn to weddings and funerals.
Livestock is only a good choice
for a wedding gift if the couple has a yard.
At weddings,
it is impolite to kiss the bride for more than ten seconds,
if she is your blood relative.
Never take a beer to a job interview
without bringing enough to offer
one to the interviewer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle.
Overnight guests
should never have to share a bed
with more than one
dog,
unless it is a cold night and the furnace is out.
Cleaning one's ears
should always be done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.
