Part: (4/4)

Author: Jessa (jessa_88@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer: The character's aren't mine. The story is.

Spoilers: up to 'The Body'

Distribution: my site, Trish's site, anyone else just email me and tell me where it's going

Feedback: Yes yes yes! I thrive on it.

Acknowledgements: Dedicated to Trish for being such an awesome help in beta-ing and just because she's awesome ;)

Part 4

Buffy stood up after a moment as her head cleared and she remember the peroxide idiot who lay a few metres beside her. ‘What the hell was he thinking killing that knight like that?' she thought anger and worry converging into one as she started over to him.
"Spike! Are you crazy? Why didn't you run when I told you too?! You could have been killed you insipid vampire!" Buffy yelled walking over to where Spike was on the ground, ignoring the blinding pain she felt at the movements. ‘And why do you care so much?' her thoughts betrayed her. Irritated, she shook them away.
Reaching Spike she realized his eyes were closed and he wasn't moving. She had thought he was just lying on the ground wallowing in pain, but now as she saw his condition her breath shuddered violently. He was covered in blood. She didn't know it was even possible for a vampire to bleed so much. Even though some of the cuts were quickly healing there were large gashes across his chest and over his eye that were open and gushing blood. Buffy knew at a glance that if he had been human he would have been dead a long time ago.
"Spike?" she asked tentatively, trying to concentrate on the good. As long as he wasn't a pile of dust in the grass he would recover. That's what vampires did. At least Spike did. ‘He takes a licking and keeps on ticking' Buffy thought. But she'd never seen him in this bad of condition before. She hated to admit it, but it scared her. Spike had risked his life for her. He could have ran but he didn't. He was a stupid, idiotic, egotistical vampire, but he had stayed with her, and now he was lying on the ground, bathing in his own blood. It had never really bothered her to see him hurt before but this time was different. She was sure that this time he had been fighting for the right reasons. Not for money and not for the thrill of the kill because he hadn't been able to kill these men. She wasn't entirely sure why he had done it but she knew she was grateful.
"Spike!?" she repeated, louder this time. "Listen to me Spike! You need to get up now okay?" He didn't move. She decided to try a different method. "If you don't get your puny, peroxide vampire butt off the ground *right now* then you are going to wish those knights had staked you because I will make your death longer and more painful than you could ever imagine!" His eyes didn't move but just when she was going to admit defeat she heard the familiar British accent she had grown to love. She was so excited she didn't even notice the inconceivableness of mentioning Spike and love in the same sentence.
"Aw, Slayer, I didn't know you cared." His tone was sarcastic but Buffy could sense the hidden pain and hostility behind the words. She knew her rejection had caused him that. Buffy was more remorseful than ever but she knew he deserved more than what she'd given him in the past.
"Of course I care."
Spike looked a little surprised at her words and a whole lot more skeptical.
"Well I thought with all the insults you've been throwing at me lately. Like, ‘the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.' Then there was the whole ‘loathing' and ‘disgust' bit. And my personal favourite, ‘you're beneath me.' You know, ‘cause that one didn't hurt enough the first time around," Spike griped sarcastically.
"Maybe I was wrong about some things" she told him her voice softening. Buffy figured she hadn't given him a fair enough chance. He actually believed he was in love with her and although at first she had flat out refused to believe it, now the prospect was just too hard for her to try and grasp at that moment. But she was beginning to believe it.
"Dead cert! That's your problem, Slayer. You don't know what you mean half the time. You do what you think you have to, and you hurt yourself without even realizing you're doing it. You've screwed up every relationship you've ever been in and you know why? Because you're too bloody stupid to realize that you'll never be ‘normal'. You are going to kill yourself trying but one day you'll see that you can't have that simple kind of love you think exists for you. And you're going to be wrong for the rest of your life until you realize it."
Spike gazed at her and Buffy tried not to notice how his eyes bore into her soul. She was angry. Mostly she was scared but she refused to admit that, so she settled for anger instead.
"You know what, *William*? You have no idea who I am, or what I am, or am not, capable of. God, I don't know why I just haven't staked you already."
Spike smiled as he seemed to always do when she threatened him, probably because he knew as well as she did that she'd never kill him.
"You can't. Because even though I'm an evil demon thorn in your side you know that I love you. "
"Spike, you don't - "
"You know it! And I admit a part of you thinks that it's wrong and evil and all those other words you say to hide the truth. But the *truth* is that mostly you are just scared to death. Because of what happens when people love you."
His voice suddenly became serious and he reached out to touch her hair with the back of his hand as if realizing what she needed to hear.
"You have to know that I would never hurt you, Buffy."
The words hit her hard. Just as he knew they would. How is it she'd let this vampire learn so much about her? And why was it that she wanted to join him in his place where all cries for love went answered? She had promised herself after Angel that she would never, under an circumstance, get involved with another vampire. Yet here she was, face to face with a slayer of Slayer's, and she wasn't scared or contemplating his death or angry in the least. All she wanted was to stand there next to him and believe in what he felt for her.
But she still had one question that she didn't know the whole answer to.
"Why?"
She didn't have to explain it any more than that. She knew that Spike understood what she was asking. In fact he probably knew the answer before the question had even left her lips. His was a simple statement; at least as simple as could be for the depth of the question asked.
"If a man hasn't found something worth dying for he isn't fit to live." There was no mistaking the something, or more accurately, someone, he was speaking of.
"But you're not alive." The statement came out before she could stop it. Spike only smiled and rocked back on his heels.
"I wasn't. But you've made me that way."
Of all the things she expected him to say that was not one of them. How had she made him alive?
"I don't - I don't understand." She said looking him in the eyes. Those ice blue depths she could drown in if given the chance. ‘Since when have I become a hopeless romantic?' Buffy thought. ‘I don't know where these gushy Spike feelings came from.' But she noticed that they didn't feel wrong.
"I don't really either, luv." He told her and at first she was confused, thinking he had somehow read her thoughts. Then she realized he was answering her first question and she was relieved to know he wasn't as certain of everything as he seemed.
Buffy noticed him take a deep breath even though he didn't need to breathe. He looked nervous, as if he didn't know how she'd react to what he had to say. He continued, talking slowly, as if weighing the words with his voice.
"All I know, is that before I met you I wasn't fit to live and so I was dead because my soul was dead. But somehow you've managed to give me something I didn't think I'd ever have. You've given me you."
The shock crossed Buffy's face as plain as day. Spike laughed softly.
"Don't look so surprised. I mean, you probably didn't even realize when you did, but just by letting me stand here, alive, you have." He lightly touched his hand to her face and then removed it. "So, in a sense, you've given me life."
Suddenly, Buffy was finding it hard to breathe. She was shocked and touched but strangely not confused in the least. It was as if his words were spoken in a different language and the two of them were the only one's in the world who understood it. She couldn't believe that he would think her capable of this. Buffy had always thought of herself as the Slayer, and that the only gift she could give to anyone was protection from evil. Now here stood this vampire, who seemed to know her better than anyone, telling her the one thing she had always needed to hear - that she had worth outside her title.
With Angel she had always been in danger of taking his soul. It was always a struggle and she felt helpless and wearisome every day she had to fight it. Never had she considered that taking a soul may mean she could give one as well. Buffy felt tears start to form in her eyes and she remembered the last time she'd cried in front of Spike. On the porch in her backyard, him sitting beside her, comforting her better than anyone had, without even saying a word. Strange how some of her clearest moments of certainty came with him at her side. Or not so strange, because it made a twisted sort of sense.
For the first time Buffy felt truly apologetic about the things that she had uttered to his face. Especially saying he was beneath her. She had no right to take the things he'd told her about his past and use them to hurt him. Especially since, now that she thought about it, Spike was a better person than most. So much so that it scared her. And Buffy realized her ignorant belief that he couldn't be hurt had caused him more pain than, in her fearful state, she wished to know.
Maybe the only reason she felt this way was because she was lonely, in pain and wanting of someone who would help her with no expectations. But she could sense it was deeper than that and she was no longer afraid to find out what it was. She didn't want to question anything anymore. She just wanted, for once in her life, to do what felt right. A small smile played at her lips and she realized he was looking at her expecting a response of some kind. She really didn't know what she could say, so she asked the only question weighing on her mind that she could say aloud and still retain her dignity. Of course, like everything else that night it didn't come out how she wanted it to.

"But- you're still a vampire?" He could tell it wasn't what she meant to say but he understood completely the thoughts she was having. After all, it was her soul that ran through him.
"Yeah I am." he replied not ashamed or worried at all by her reaction because he knew in truth she already knew the answer and that it no longer mattered that he was. The only reason she asked was probably because she didn't know what else to say. So he told her what he knew she wanted to hear. The thing she most likely always knew but needed to hear aloud.
"Yes, I'm still a vampire. But I'm one with a soul." He smiled and then countered, "Not that I'm a poof like my sire!" He noticed Buffy smile and was glad to see the mention of her former love didn't bring pain to her eyes. "Because *my* soul is you and as long as you're alive, then it can't be taken away."
Her face was unreadable, even for him, but he could sense she was testing his words. Spike smiled at her again and knew just what to say.
"It can be kinda sexy - the whole fang bit - can't it pet?"
All he got in response was the feel of her warm lips against his cool ones. It was perfect. It was the moment he had waited for, wished for and would have prayed for had God been on his side. And in that second, Spike could have sworn he was.

And he closed his eyes to the eternal night and relished in her light.
Oh, he was definitely alive.