Flute Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb? They ask their boyfriend to do it for them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a minor second? Two flutists playing in unison. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What key is the alto flute pitched in? G-- I really don't care, either!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a flutist and a seamstress? I seamstress tucks the frills. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Piccolo Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison? Shoot one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the range of a piccolo? Oh, about twenty yards on a good day. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you tune two piccolos? You shoot them both. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? --Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many flutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one - she simply holds it up and the world revolves around her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a good flute section? Impossible -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players? A. When the engines stop, the whining continues Clarinet Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spaces. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you put down a tenor saxophone? Confuse it with a bass clarinet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain? An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? Cut the noose. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections: Flute Brains, $1/lb Tuba Brains, $10/lb Percussion Brains, $5/lb Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinet Brains, $100/lb He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know hwow many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house? They don't know where to enter and what key to use. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard? Vibrato. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you stop an oboe from being stolen? Put it in a clarinet case. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet? Miss a lot of notes... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a clarinetist has died? The concertmaster moves them back a chair... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do call a line setup by clarinets? A circle --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
