May 2001
Distance
I haven't keeped up with this cos our connection to the net was suppose to expire days ago..but it is still here...and thats one of the only good things in my life right now.
I saw shawn yesterday. Things were good. I've been distancing myself from just about everything. I tried not to when he was here..Apparantly i wasn't doing a good enough job since he noticed. I let him in just enough..and after he left I went right back to not wanting anything near me...Don't get me wrong i don't want to distance myself from him..In anyway...I don't want to push him out of my life...thats just the way it is right now. Life's been too stressful to even try and be close to people. Just when i think my lifes getting better, something will put me right back in my place. So all i can hope for is that tomorrow's better.
Could I Feel Any Worse?
Saw shawn yesterday and had a great time....Found this old video journal that i did during a very bad time in my life. I didn't know what was on it exactly so i watched it. I wish i wouldn't have cos it put me right back into that situation. Remembering exactly how i felt. I think it pushed some of those old feelings and thoughts back on me...So anyway, i saw shawn today as well...When he got here i was having a fight with my aunt. He was upset at me cos i let things get to me..He also read some old journal entry i had written in some notebook. We were figuring out when the bands were playing for xfest...and it was in the same notebook. He saw my journal stuff and decided to read some of it..The day got better then worse then better then worse..He was hyper and when he gets hyper nothing matters. And it only pisses me off...Things weren't straightened out when he went home..He kept saying he's an asshole and what can he do about it. I think it escapes him that he has control over what he does and how he acts..In the car he asked me whats wrong as if he had no idea..He didn't even give me a kiss goodbye...all i got was a pitty kiss on the cheek. which only mad me more upset. and made me feel like he didn't want to kiss me and that everything was my fault..he told me he loved me and i did the same but with a "i'm really upset right now tone" and he walked up to his door and waved goodbye..or thats whats mom said atleast cos i didn't care to look at him at that moment.
.....
I'm left here still confused and angry. Is this all my fault..It feels that way. My anger did one good thing at least..It made me push alot harder working out this morning. I'm confused about yesterday, about today and whats going to happen. I wonder what he's thinking or if he's thinking about me at all. I wonder if he thinks it's my fault. I wonder if he even wants to see me. I wonder if i even cross his mind. I can't live life worrying what i can't control. So i must put on the happy face and pretend everythings alright once again.
And thats a promise
Alot has happened since i last updated. I don't have access to the net anymore. I got a job. A sucky one at that but it's still a job. So i will have money. I'm going to x-fest this weekened. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Yesterday was a very bad day but it made me think a little about some stuff. Some things that i need to change in my life. I don't want to make people sick by the things i do. I know i need to change but changing is the hard part. I'm trying to be a good girl and be who everyone wants me to be with out hurting myself. So i'm vowing to make today better for everyone involed and try my hardest to make things better.
[on a different topic]
I didn't have to work today like i thought. So me and my sister decided to go to the library and go on the net all day. Sounds like fun to me. And i think we're going to see "shrek" tonight. Just for something to do. I really want to talk to my boyfriend and settle some things but i guess that has to wait for alittle while.