March 01, 2001
but i am here afterwards
Missing some time in my journal. The topic had gotten a little too personal. Things too close to my heart. Feelings that i didn't want to express to the whole world. Choosing a few people close to me to help me through. Realizing that i have friends where i never thought i did. But nothing makes it better than knowing that love does conquers all. Knowing that everythings okay. Fearing the worst but finding out you were just like me. Feeling bad that things didn't end up like this for someone else i know..Today is a good day....no matter what.
[later that day]
Friends coming to take me away. Uncertain if it was best. Hearing things that made me confused. Not sure what they meant, If anything at all. Hanging out with new people. Remembering back to a time when it was always like this. Visiting is fine but i wouldn't want to stay there. It was right for me then but not now. Excited and then everything crashed before me. Hearing news that i wasn't ready for. I don't think i could ever be ready for it. Wishing you were here to make things better. Knowing that things will be okay. Calming me. Calming you. Both of us aware to the situation and knowing that if anyone can make it work, We can. Realizing that we both still have faith in this.
Spineshank-"Play God"
March 02, 2001
So Cold
I'm still at my sisters house and I'm missing him like crazy. But still enjoying my time here. Wishing today was tomorrow. Having bad thoughts for a while. I wish they would just go away. Things are said and it leaves me curious. Would i interupt? Do you like it? I'm not believing in any answer that i don't have proof for. Realizing that sometimes things are said but they're not meant like that.
Wondering if my secrets out. Wanting to believe that you really care, but old thoughts are in my head. And they confuse me. So i will continue like this, until i know for sure. It's not as easy as you think it is. But we're still in a good place and i'm not gonna make us leave.
Unknown Artist/Title
March 03, 2001
Wish i was a whore
Things were going fine. Time was a little slow. Excited for tomorrow. Now there is nothing to look forward to. Excuses were made....surprise surprise....I knew it was coming. why would you want to spend your time with me. You act like i should be happy. well, maybe you are. but i'm not. Leaving the place where i was happy, just so i could spend time with you. well, thanks..Things are always better when i'm gone. then you at least act like you care. Maybe cos then you worry. You should worry. but it's fine. You go ahead and lie to me. and have your fun. Just know i'm not gonna wait around forever.
Giving into thoughts that i tried so hard to push away. Wanting it so badly. Needing to see it. Only wish it hurt a little more. Giving up on trying to fix myself. I was only doing it for you. Now it doesn't seem to matter. I'm going back to who i was before. and right now....i don't care. I'm waiting for a sign. Cos you're the only one who can stop me.
Spineshank-"Synthetic"
March 04, 2001
Wishing now that i didn't give in
Went shopping and had a pretty good day. Got some new clothes to try and make myself more appealing. Which is pretty much impossible. Finding out that you are happy. You act like i have no right to be sad. Well, i think i do. but you make me feel bad so it makes me put on an act that i don't care. I don't want to put on a play that covers up my feelings. Things are weird enough. You bring me down and then pick me back up. I hate that you have all the control and i have none. But sometimes you use your power for good. and that makes everything okay.
Knowing that i'm gonna have to tell you. You're gonna find out anyway. I'm scared of what you will do but i guess it's my fault. I make promises and then break them.. but just know i fought as much as i could but this time i couldn't help it.
[later that night]
CAN'T RIGHT NOW
Spineshank-"New Disease"
March 05, 2001
This better be for good
Waking up from a good dream about him. then reality setting in. Going through today uncertain of how things would end up. A call from him makes me realize that the situation was alot worse than i had realized. Letting myself give in, yet again. But this time more than i ever had. Very aware that this could be the last time. Trying to think back to the The last kiss, the last hug...but not being able to think clearly. Thoughts were in my mind. Everything was wierd. Everything was uncomfortable. Not being able to do what we normal do. Looking across at him. Him noticing and looking up. Our eyes meet for one second. There was a look of regret in his eyes. Wishing that it wasn't like this. I turned my head to sheald my tears from him. But he is very aware. Sitting down and not knowing what to do. Not knowing whats okay. I was letting him make the first move. While trying to be supportive at the same time. He rambled on for a little while. Shaking. Which gave me a reason to touch him. I'd been wanting to touch him since i first saw him. He Asked if he can hug me. I Asked him calmly if thats what he really wanted to do. while inside i was screaming, yes! He paused and played with his hands. Still unsure.. i reached for his hands and pulled them apart. And we hugged. After that moment everything was okay. Between hugging, crying, and kissing we knew what to do. Without even talking about it. We both knew. Realizing that it can all work out. But knowing it will be hard and we both have to try. but it can work. Spending a few hours togeher. With everything back to the way we like it. Loving every second. Obsticals get in our way and just when it seems like we can't get around them. We do.
[later that day]
I had to tape Matchbox20 on dave, for my sister. It was a great performance. And something really funny at the end. When the performance is done and dave comes over and is talking about the horn and then he says "hi" in this really wierd way. I laugh everytime.
[on a different topic]
He made my day even better...he called just to say "i love you".
***The best thing of the day- When he went over to my dresser and got a rubberband. Said somethings and placed it on my finger.
Janet Jackson-"What About"
March 06, 2001
Praying for a cure
I noticed that i've been going shopping alot lately. I've also been able to get stuff too. So it's no surprise that i went again today and got the "Isle of Q" cd. which is alright. some songs are really good. But i still wish i would have gotten "coldplay" instead. But oh well. I had a great time shopping. One of my favorite cousins, Keegan, went along with us. like usual. It was fun.
I was telling my sister a few days ago, that when i feel i don't look that great, Thats when i get checked out the most. But when i actually feel beautiful. i don't. We coulnd't figure out why. I've also noticed that older guys seem to check me out alot. Like men that are like 40. I don't get that either. I mean being checked out makes you feel happy. i guess. well, i mean sometimes...if you go somewhere and everywhere you turn guys are checking you out, it makes me feel uncomfortabe. But knowing that someone finds you attractive is a good feeling. but i don't want to be stared at all the time. wow, i really got off topic there.
Having thoughts that made me sad. Not being able to get rid of them. Being sickend by myself. Thinking back. Wishing i could be normal for once. Wanting to make it so you're not depressed. Unsure of what to say. If anything would make a difference. But still wanting to make it so you're happy.
***Best thing about today. Getting pictures developed and noticing how beautiful he is. and my cousin keegan buying me some candy :)
Isle of Q-"Sweet Potato"
March 07, 2001
I want you here
Knowing that you are depressed makes me worried. Hearing things that scare me. I don't know what to say. I don't know whats gonna make things better. Wishing i could go inside you and take away your pain. You say it's not me but i'm still trying to convince myself. Hearing the sadness in your voice. Telling me not to be worried. Well, i am. I can't help it. Wanting so badly to just hold you in my arms and try and make everything alright.
Getting another call from you. Things seeming different, better....But still hearing the sadness. Wanting tomorrow to come. so i can hear from you. Wanting the days to go by so fast, so we can see eachother again. Needing to see you, then everything will be better. Then i will have that piece of me back.
***Best thing about today- getting an unexpected phone call.
March 08, 2001
Thinking that it's me
Being stuck here all day. Everyone gone. Hearing the stories that i seem to have missed last night. Depression in everyone around me. Getting a call from him and Things seeming better. but he says that they're not. Thinking that i just can't say things and make them better. Taking it out on myself. Being told not to pray, that nothing is gonna help. Feeling so useless. Needing to see him as soon as we can. Knowing that it will be days yet. Hating this place that i am in. Not having the people i care about with me. Tho i find myself building bonds with the ones that are. People thinking that i won't understand. Hating that i can't help. Feeling like they are trying to out-do me. Needing to find things to fill my time. Until we can talk again. Every days the same. Just trying to fill my time until we can see eachother again. Missing people that are in pain, and not being able to get to them so i can help.
***Best thing about today-Knowing i was being thought about.
K's Choice-"Not An Addict"
March 09, 2001
Keep Going
Making plans for the weekend. Mending friendships, even tho we're not really friends. Getting an unexpected phone call from the one i love. Hearing good things. Needing to make some space. Making things organized. Getting ready for good things to come.
[later that day]
Knowing that i was on your mind. That you missed me. Makes me smile. Feeling love. Hearing things i've been waiting to here. Saying that i already am. Finding out that others know this is gonna last. and hearing it from you as well. Only one thing makes me sad. Being reminded that you will soon be gone. How badly i don't want that. But you say it will all be okay. Telling me that we can make it. It's been a while but for once, You are convinced. You tell me over and over and i can't get enough of it. I really love you
***best thing about today- Unexpected phone calls and hearing things over and over..
silverchair-"Emotion Sickness"
March 10, 2001
Brush off
Spending time with my sister. Fun fun fun. Just wish we would have had dinner some where else. but it was still good. Uncertain if i should do things. But did anyway. I only hoped for a better reaction. Hiding away, for the purpose was unclear. Maybe it was just all in my head. Always searching for a reason. Destroying the truth and turning it into nothing. Happy then sad. How come when i'm sad you get mad, looking for a reason. and when you're sad i'm suppose to comfort you. Living with these double standerds. Makes me seem like the bad guy. But it's okay. i'll live. Hoping to see you but i guess thats not something you want. But i'll let it go like always. and you have your fun. But i know i'm exaggerating. Thats whats i'm good at.
***Seeing my sister and my boyfriend. (and the bread!!)
NIN-"Hurt"
March 11, 2001
Are you listening?
I was super lazy today. Watched movies all day. And they weren't even like good movies. but i still watched them. Getting a call which made me worry, getting another call 20 minutes later makes things a little better. Thingking back to old times. Hearing that you were mad at something i said. Something i didn't even really mean. Trying to find information. You laugh but i know it will help. You getting mad, a good mad at things i was saying. Makes me realize some stuff. Going on and on and on. You are worried about me. Maybe you should be. I don't want to do anything but i feel like i have to. Knowing i have to start being the one who ends the conversations. Leaving you as the one wanting more. I just want to go away for awhile. And have friends and have a life. Maybe that would change things. You says it's gonna get harder. Having a bad time today. not being able to things right. I can only hope that tomorrows better.
***Nothing was even that good today. oh wait, him calling back and saying he was sorry and he loves me after we had a bad time on the phone.
Poe-"Chocking the Cherry"
March 12, 2001
Scared out of my mind
Waking up, looking through the window and realizing it was snowing. And it kept snowing all day. We got more than 6 inches. I wish it was gone. Just when you think spring is on it's way..we get 6 inches of snow.
Going through today uncertain. Hoping that everything would be good. Hearing that people weren't where they were supposed to be. But i didn't mind. Getting call after call. Me making a few calls of my own. Being invited to a concert. Mudvayne, gODHEAD, Disturbed, and my favorite, Spineshank. Wanting to go but scared to death. Deciding it will be good. not only for me but for us. Turning out to be a good day. Hearing things i've needed to hear. I'm glad you realized thats it's not us. Hoping for the best tomorrow. Getting a call after i thought we had said goodbye for the night. Talking for an hour. Today was just a great day.
***Hearing things i needed to hear, Spending time with my mom. Getting a late night call.
Angie Aparo-"Spaceship"
March 13, 2001
Why do i keep doing this?
The day kept getting worse and worse. Getting my hopes up that i would get to see my boyfriend. And finally giving in and realzing i wasn't going to. Hearing People whisper about me all day. Getting in to a fight with my boyfriend on the phone. Even tho we talked and said we we're sorry and everything was cool. He said he was confused, which makes me worried. Knowing we should have stopped when we first realized , but still pushng it. Hoping that i will be able to see him tomorrow. Hoping that people will be nice. Hoping that tomorrows better. Making a deal so i won't give in anymore. I know it will help, but it makes me scared. Knowing if i don't see him tomorrow, i won't see him for a long time. Reading his horoscope. His Romatic overlook for the month says he will have a fight with his significant other today. Hmmmmm.. i don't really believe in horoscopes, but i do find it funny that it says this. I just hope that he isn't mad anymore. That he has a good day tomorrow and that he can see me. And that he's not confused anymore. Is that really too much to ask?
***Talking to my sister on the phone. And thats just about it.
Santana-"Love of my life"
March 14, 2001
Still i Wait
Hoping that today is better. Knowing i have to pull away in order for people to be closer. Hating the people i live with. Never being good enough for them. I just want to go away. I want to spend time with other people. Excited about spending time up at my sisters. Ignoring my friends. Making time just for myself. Wanting to get out and not be here. Getting a call from my boyfriend and finding out he has to work.
[later that day]
Spending time with my mom keeps my mind off other stuff. Going out to eat, getting home and finding out my boyfriend called while i was gone. Hoping to hear from him later, after he gets off work. Seeing things that make me feel bad. Knowing you will want to. I hate it but i also love it. Being pushed farther and farther. Maybe this will get me back on track tomorrow. I know i should want to stop but right now i don't. It's a part of me. Not the best part of me, but it's a part of me. I don't want to let it go just yet.
Not having enough time with you. but i guess it has to do for now. Trying to create things that aren't there. Feeling my head push things past whats real. But still things are good.
***Going out to eat
silverchair-"Ana's Song"
March 15, 2001
Thinking
I've been noticing that my journals are getting longer and longer. But my days seem shorter and shorter. Noticing that certain people are happier than they've been in a while. Which is good. I seem to be missing everything. Going out and missing things that i wish i was around for. Even tho i know this will make things better. Falling through this dark hole that seems to be never ending. Even tho things are good. Time keeps getting pushed back. Hoping to see him sometime soon. Having a good day, even went shopping and out to eat. Everything was good. Being by myself. Sitting here all alone. Thinking.........Thinking is not a good thing when it comes to me. Wishing someone could go inside of me and take out the bad parts. The parts that make me the way i am. Cos i don't want them. I never wanted them. Finally realizing that i don't control it. It controls me.
***Good conversations, going shopping and out to eat.
silverchair-"Black Tangled Heart"
March 16, 2001
FROM alright TO bad TO perfect
I've been going out to eat so much latly. I went out the last 5 days in a row. Today i went to A&W.....YUM! I'm going to my sisters tomorrow. I should be up there for a few days. We're going to celebrate her birthday. She doesn't know it yet, but i bought all this good stuff for her:) She's going to love it. But if i'm up at my sisters then i won't be able to see my boyfriend :( I miss him terribly. I got a surprise call from him today, while i was on the other line with my sister. He has to work tonight.great! But anyway, i saw an old friend today. It was actually quite nice. She asked if i was still going out with shawn..i said yeah, and she was so shocked..i don't know why really. I mean i do find it amazing how long we've been together. I mean by looking around at everyone else i know. But it's by far shocking.
People were really making me mad today. Trying to tell me i don't know what i'm doing. Trying to tell me i'm not good enough. But it doesn't matter. Getting a call and getting yelled at. Fighting and not being able to control it. Not wanting to end things like this. Acting as if we were gonna say goodbye , tho we both knew weren't going to. Getting to where we both wanted to be. Knowing things instead of wondering them. Hearing the way i always want you to be. Leaving with a good feeling. A great feeling. Being called what i love to be called. You make everything right.
***HIM
silverchair-"Ana's Song"
March 17, 2001
out and about
Got up really early. I had so much to do. We(me, my mom and my aunt) had to go pick up my cousin Richard. Which took forever cos he was at a friends house, but we didn't know what house it was. Finally after driving around for a while and asking a few people we managed to find it. We then went to pick up my sister and take her out to eat and do a little shopping for her birthday. We ate at Famous Dave's. For the first time i actually got a meal. Usually i just get salad. I had a good time. We didn't do much shopping. Me and my sister we feeling kinda sick. They dropped me and my sister off at her house. We got ready to go to supercross. My sisters friend tom, came over and we hung out for a little while, then left for supercross. It was alot of fun. There was only 2 things that were bad about the evening. My boyfriend wasn't there and my guy, Nathen Ramsey didn't win. But other than that i had a great time. We went to Wendy's afterwards and my sister and tom got food. Then we came back to my sisters house and they watched some t.v., while i was on the net. It was a great day. I had alot of fun. Tho i miss my boyfriend so badly, and i want to see me. But i have to wait a few more days for that:( Oh yeah after tom left me and my sister had some birthday cake. YUM YUM!!
***seeing my sister and motorcross
March 18-22, 2001
Too much information
Well alot happened. I was at my sisters house for a week. I had alot of fun (except for the crawling visitors). It was her birthday. She got alot of cake. I had a great time, i just wish my boyfriend would have been there.
I am feeling different tho. Being out of my atmosphere. Living someone elses life. Feeling like i have to go back. My fun with no consequences is up and this time going back will be hard. and it will take me farther than i ever wanted to go. The things i left behind are now running after me. Only letting me stop to catch me breath. I'm getting sick. Being cautious of everything and everyone. Uncertain of whats the truth. I know i'm buying into lies but thats all i have. If i'm not this way then what am i? Hearing beautiful words coming out of his mouth. Wanting to hear them, but at the same time not. I will want to hear them soon, just not today. Wishing i was who i want to be.
***Hearing things
March 23, 2001
Daniel :):):):):)
It's me and my boyfriends anniversary. 1 year and 3 months. I thought it would go un-noticed. I was wrong. Being sick. I can't breath. Dealing with things i didn't want to be dealing with. Getting some mail from my friend sarah, who lives in australia. She burned the "I can't believe it's not rock" cd for me. Cos she loves daniel johns as much as i do. I was so happy to be getting the cd. I wasn't expecting what i got tho. I pulled out a picture. It was of Daniel. I was so excited. I seriously don't think i have ever been that excited in my life. I was all giddy and hysterical for about 10 minutes. She sent me an actually photograph of daniel johns. Thats probably the nicest thing anyones ever done for me. That totally made my day.
After i calmed down from that, i went on with my day. Watching things i shouldn't have been watching. Only made me worried. Made me feel bad. Leaving weird messages on peoples phones. Unsure of what was real. Fighting my feelings. Knowing what was true but making up my own idea. Getting a phone call from the one i love. Just calling to say happy anniversary. God, i love that boy. Even tho it's not over the day seems to be becoming quite good.
It wasn't anything at all, but it was alot. Being absent absent makes things better and worse. I just need to see you. Having a longer talk than usual. Ending things quickly.
***Daniel :)
Our Lady Peace-"Automatic Flowers"
March 24, 2001
Waste
Waking up and not being able to breath. My mind is spinning away from my body. Wishing i was better. Wishing you were here. Hearing from people who used to be my friends. Ignoring them cos they're not my friends. Wasting my day away trying to get better. Checking out new music, or old music i had forgotten about. Waiting....is all i can do.
Getting upset over things i have no controll of. Being lost in his world. Hoping someone comes and gets me. Forget about me and i'll forget about you.
***NOTHING WAS GOOD
Aaron Lewis w/Fred Durst-"Outside"
March 25, 2001
I'm not sorry anymore
It's one of my favorite cousins, Richard's birthday. Richard is me and my sisters "soul brother". He is so cool.
[on a different topic]
Feeling like i'm a never ending disappointment. Why is he just like the person i hate. Every day i see you have more and more in common. I feel myself detaching from everything. I can't be respossible for what i do. Finally knowing that it's not my fault. You are the bad guy. I was just stupid. Craving for someones attention. Anyones. It really doesn't matter now. Why do i love? I know why i hate. Starve myself for nothing. but at the same time for everything. This is the way i am. I'm changing every second. Liking who i'm becoming. Wishing i was anyone else but myself. Wishing i would have kept my promises. but theres nothing i can do now. I'm in to deep
Hold back and making my self a stranger always makes things better. pulling away so everyone else pulls me in. Hearing things i thought you would never say. Trying so hard to do what you say. but you don't understand. It's not nearly as simple as it appears. Getting high off feeling empty. You could never understand. Just when i can't handle anymore you come out of nowhere and rush me to safety.
***Laughing on the phone
Suzanne Vega-"Luka"
March 26, 2001
All alone with you
Being woken up early by a man standing in my doorway. Not sure if i was dreaming. Realizing it was my boyfriend. Having a great day. Having stupid fights over nothing. Too sensitive. Letting things get to me tho i know they mean nothing. Having fun documenting our day. I wish everyday could be like this......All alone....Getting sad knowing it will be a while again....until i see his face.. Knowing life's not fair. But managable. Quick goodbyes make it even worse. Calling to tell him something. Him calling to say another. His leaves me happy, then confused, then worried. but everything seems alright and he says it is. so i can't dwell in it. Realizing that i can make myself happy. I have power within myself. I just gotta start using it to my advantage.
[on a different topic]
I hate you. I wish i had no knowledge of you, it would make life so much easier. I don't want to let myself know that you affect me. Cos if you died tomorrow i wouldn't even care.
***Seeing my boyfriend and everything that goes along with it.
Mudvayne-"Cradle"
March 27, 2001
Laughter keeps you sane
Feeling you as i slept last night. Hearing you whisper in my ear. Even tho you weren't there. Missing you so much. Hoping you are having a good day. Hearing about people i used to be friends with. Knowing its a good thing they're not in my life. Having a hatred for them.
Being surrounded my yelling. Fighting all day, and it's actually not my fault
[later that day]
Thinking you weren't gonna call. but you did. hearing you were depressed. Making you laugh makes me feel good. Keep repeating i know. what does that mean? Probably nothing. But it still leaves me wondering
***Getting people to laugh
Daniel Johns & Paul Mac-"Take Her Out"
March 28, 2001
Weird
Times approaching fast. Not sure what to do. Hoping it will all be the same. Liking the way things are but missing the other half. Day was long. Scared that someone might come early but thank god, they didn't. Stupid things making me excited. Hearing i am technologically smart makes me surprised. Not hearing it but hearing it for that person. Today was okay. Talked to my sister on the phone for an hour. Getting ready for her return. Thinking i was being pushed aside but hearing a reason.
[later on that day]
Having a good conversation but it leaves me weird. Things were said that i wanted to hear but i always have to question them. I don't want to question things anymore. I just want to know. Hoping tomorrow is good and the next day and so on. Going bed shopping on sunday.. I'm excited.. It's just the little things.
***new things, Talking to my sister, hearing he wants to see me
Poe-"That Day"
March 29, 2001
Emptiness
The feeling in me grows stronger. The pain comes and goes but the emptiness is constant. Everyday gets easier to resist. but the feeling is here for good. Tired of not doing what everyone else tells me. Sick of always saying no. But this is the way it is. I'm finally becoming who i want to be, but not sure if thats who i want to be now. They might think it's a bad day, but for me it's a great day. Not giving into temptation. Knowing that this can work.
Talking to my boyfriend and everything seeming right. Missing him so much. So sick of the 10 minute talk. Hearing he's actually excited that he doesn't have to work tomorrow so he can talk to me. Him trying to get it in my head. but me trying even harder not to let it sink in. But still glad he cares. Still not feeling good.
***Things being the way they used to be.
Blink 182-"Going Away To College"
March 30, 2001
Never been this lonely
Going from good, to bad, to better, to worse.... all in one day would drive anyone insane. Days seeming longer than they are. But time going faster. Went bed shopping. Forced to get something i didn't want. Talked to my sister on the phone today. She told me about her concert last night. She saw Godsmack, Cold, Staind, and Systematic. She had a some ups and downs, but still a good time. Right when i was getting off the phone with her my boyfriend called. He seemed like he didn't want to talk so i put up a front like i didn't want to. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of living this life. Never feeling this lonely in my life. Needing someone to entertain me. Going past what i ever thought was possibly but evetually giving in. Wishing i hadn't. I could have made it farther. Crying cos i'm sick of this. Being reminded that i'm not perfect. Thinking that i want to do things, knowing that i don't. Hearing that this is the way you think. But thats fine for the future but what about now. Just wanting to fast forward my life 10 years and skip all of this.
***Had good will power today.
silverchair-"Emotion Sickness"
March 31, 2001
I'm telling you i can't
Having stupid fights over nothing. Sick of the ways of communication. Wanting other things. But none are avaliable. Having conversation over what i can and can't do. Makes me happy to know they care but at the same time it scares me. I know i can't live up to what they want. Trying my hardest to make every day good. Hearing things that make me happy. Hearing things that confuse me. I wish i lived in the world thats in my head.
***Spending time with my cousins
Poe-"Angry Johnny"