June 2001

June 06, 2001
Standing up for myself
Pain is caused by others. I'm finally standing up for myself. I made the decision and now i have to wait for theirs. I didn't want to be the way i was but they forced me to. Making me see what i really mean to them. Being nothing to everyone is hard work. Praying that they realize. Hoping that they care. All i can do is wait. It's gonna be a long day.

June 08, 2001
Waiting
Still waiting for the answers. Still waiting for anything. Waiting and waiting, but time seems to be shorter than before. Running around and not having time but still i seem to always be waiting. Making myself feel more girly. Buying pressesnt for people i'm not sure are gonna be around. I have to make the first move. I hope he makes the second.
I don't want to have lie, but this time i need to. I wasn't up to the challenge

June 12, 2001
Sorting Things Out
My lifes gotten so complicated. Things i knew are now certain. I need more time for me. Having to explain myself over and over. Never making anyone understand. making new friends but scared in the idea. I don't know whats wrong with me. Things are being ripped from me every moment. I'm trying to get better but the thoughts are always there and people are always pushing me to do the things that make me a bad person.
Pushing away everything thats good and dwelling in the bad. Trying to hold on but still get my point across. Fear is all i have left.
I might be going to the Rammstein concert. I hope i get to. I love those guys.. Being excited that i might. I don't want to think to much about concerts right now tho. My brain is holding on to too many thoughts and my heart is drowing in so much old pain. Trying to rise above it means forgiving. and i'm not the best at that.

June 13, 2001
Shove It All Away
Things have changed. I don't care right now. Putting everything aside and just dealing with life. Going back to my old ways. People telling me it's my choice and i choose the wrong path as always. but is it really the wrong path? Today no, but maybe tomorrow. Knowing why people have been the way they have. Wondering why no one has faith in me. Everyone keeps telling me that i will never change, that i am who i am. but i will never believe that. so i'm out to prove everyone wrong. Saying things i don't really mean but having to say them anyway. Not caring is a hard thing to do.

June 15, 2001
Figuring it all out
Been going through alot and trying to make some sense out of it. Trying to fix up my life into what it's suppose to be. Talking to people and finding out what they really think. I feel sick, sick of who i am and what i let myself become. I'm making a conscience effort to be a better person. Hopefully He will to. I don't have much time to write today. So i'll write on monday.....Lifes's gotta get better soon.

June 26, 2001
Catching Up
I haven't been able to write in a while. I've been working alot, which totally sucks. but at least i will have more money. My boyfriends birthday is coming up and i need to be able to buy him lots of good stuff... Which is difficult cos he's a really hard person to buy for. but i'll manage.
I've been told alot of good things lately. Which made me happy. I've found out that someone thinks i'm really sweet. I've been trying harder than ever to make myself into this perfect person. Even tho i don't even think a perfect person exists. I find myself not being able to believe anything good that i am told. tho i am able to believe the bad stuff way to easily. My head is too confused right now. Too many jokes are made about me, that i stopped believing they were jokes. Thinking that if i exercise more that i will be more appealing to the one i love. Things are said out of context and now thats all i have to believe in.
This overwhelming sadness has devoured me and i can't get rid of it. For the last week or so things have been great and one night changed everything. Now i'm extreamly confused. But i'm trying to brush aside what makes me so different. so that i can be like every other girl in the world. Which isn't something i even want to be but i can't ruin every one elses life just cos i'm alittle messed in the head. I want to be normal and be able to do thing without being hurt by them. so i put on my happy face and act as if i'm a changed person. which hopefully i will be someday.

June 27, 2001
Challenge
Being told i'm the ugly one. I'm the fat one. I'm the small chested one. I'm the weird looking one out of all the beautiful ones. I'm so confused as to how i'm suppose to be and act. Every word is contradiction. I'm suppose to just sit there and take it but at the same time i'm suppose to stand up for myself. How is that possible. Finding out the reasons why we always stay around. You said there was more but i have yet to find those out. I make everyone frustrated. I can't seem to get things out of my head. I'm suppose to be better than this. I'm suppose to be confident but i'm suppose to be kind and gentle also. Hearing that others mean more to you than i do. I don't want to hear that they mean more to you than anything. I'm left to go and find friends on my own and whatever come of it i guess you'll just have to deal. You want to stand up for myself, well if i do i'll stand up against you. Every joke you make pushes me back down. So i guess thats where you want me to be. but i won't stand for it much longer. Today is a new day and i'm embrassing being a bitch.

June 29, 2001
Jokes
i feel as if i'm trapped in this body that no one else wants. I feel like i'm the biggest joke in the world. Life seems to be getting more and more complicated but yet i'm beginning to understand what it is i want. Everyones beautiful everyones skinny, everyones perfect..and i look weird. thats what i have people telling me atleast. Working too much, gaining and then loosing friends. I need a life, a life that no one else i know is a part of. I'm holding back now. I'm keeping my distance now. The saddest thing is knowing you mean shit to everyone. I don't need them telling me about myself. it seems to be all bullshit. They want me to stick up for my self well, fine!! fuck you!

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