July 2001

JULY 02, 2001
Positive
work, work, work, work. its all i ever do. fighting has become constant, putting on a positive attitude helps. hoping to see him soon , i miss him . have 2 days off of work. I'm gonna relax. gotta go...hope all thigs are good.
JULY 03, 2001
The way it is
I saw my boyfriend yesterday and after a week of fighting, we had a great time. The phone sucks we know that. This is how we are. Before we came over we talked about drinking and the effects of drinking. Forgetting about me and doing what he likes. I'm okay, for the first time in a long time. i'm okay. Not to say i don't worry but i have to let go and live a happy life. I need him to be happy.
Selfish??? This topic has been coming up alot lately. Am i selfish? some say i am but then takes it back, saying they were only trying to sidetrack me. So all in all i'm confused. I do lots of things for others so why am i selfish. I put them before me, so do i go with what was first said in a heat of an argument or go with what was said in the aftermath? who really knows.
I'm realizing that i can be happy. I can put on the happy face and be positive. but i still find things dragging me down. Being told there will always be an issue. Will there always be? If thats the truth that whats the point? I don't think there will always be an issue but i do think i'm a lot more sensitive than the average person. maybe my issues aren't my biggest fault. my sensitivity is? who knows. today is a good day.
JULY 05, 2001
Good Life
Things in my life get better and better. I saw my boyfriend on monday and we had a great time. He bought me the Drowing Pool cd. which i like alot. We tried to get together on the 4th of july, but no such luck, I went to my aunt and uncles and actually had a good time. I spent most of it with my sister and my "soul brother" richard, He's so cool. We jumped on the trampoline and swam in the pool and had a cook out, then did some fireworks. It was a pretty good time. I got home at 11pm and i noticed that the answering machine was running. so i picked up the phone and no one was on it so i checked the messages and they were all blank. so i looked at the caller ID and my boyfrined had called 7 times between 7:30 pm and 11 pm. He called back alittle later and we talked for a while. I was really tired and had to work today so i told him i wanted to go to bed and he really wanted to talk to me so i felt bad that i had to go . He kept saying things to make me stay in the phone. So i ended up talking to him for an extra 15 min. Work was alright today. I'm really tired but still alive. My boyfriend has to work today so i'll talk to him later on tonight. I'm hoping to rent movies or something. But who knows. Lifes good. I don't have anything to really complain about., I'm going shopping on saturday to get my boyfriend his birthday pressent. and to get 2 of my old friends a wedding pressent. and maybe an outfit to wear to their wedding on saturday. Who knows, what to get anyone for gifts. no one gets me anything . But in the end lifes been good lately. so i can't complain.
JULY 06, 2001
Respect
Good attitute and positive thinking is bringing more and more in to my life. Things are getting better and better at work. Being promoted and getting more pay. people noticing just how much work me and my sister actually do.
Things with me and my boyfriend are going great. He's going for his permit today. His birthday is coming up and i'm still unsure on what to get him but i'm sure i'll think of something. I got paid today and i'm checks bigger than it's ever been. Lifes just better. People are making time for me. I'm just a happy person right now. and i really like being this way.
JULY 10, 2001
Pathetic
I tried my hardest but failed miserably. He doesn't understand why it meant so much. Jokes go deeper than intended. Thoughts are confused. Tired..so tired... but still managing to be happy. Sadness has overcome me but not like it ever has before. feeling of being loved and needed but also feeling like i'm pathetic. Things can be great and one fight turns into the opening gate to the flood. All i can say is that i'm sorry. I really am sorry.
I'm thinking of doing things differnet. I've been myself more than i have been but it always comes back to haunt me. One thing is bad so another is said for me to do but when i do that one it becomes bad as well. feeling this sadness but it's not bringing me down. Loosing weight makes me so unbelievably happy.
JULY 17, 2001
Intentions
Haven't had time to write much. Been busy with work. Celebrated my boyfriends b-day. which pretty much sucked. I mean i had a good time with him but the whole pressent thing sucked. but we're past it now. I'm trying to fit in with every ones life but still not give up my space, tho i fear it's already gone. Certain comments are said and i'm expected not to react. i don't understand how they expect me not too. It's not that i dis-approve, i just hope it's not influencing anyone else. i know it influences me beyond belief. Loosing weigh is great but everyone keeps telling me i'm impossible. I'll never know. Going back to old habits that i don't want to go back to. but i did. now i have to get past it.
JULY 18, 2001
Lier
Questions are asked and thoughts aren't said. I hope i make it farther than this next time. I'm not saying i don't believe, i'm just asking a question. Put me aside and then ask questions later. I got all the time in the world to sit and wait for you're reply. But i don't want to wait any longer. Time is precious and you don't think so. Having good days and bad days it's not the same. Being nice is good but not if you have to fake it. I don't want to be the one you put all those things you learned from the movies on. I want you to mean it when you look in to my eyes. See my soul and only then you'll know what it's like to deal with someone whose impossible. Fighting for my breath. I feel it gathering up in me. Making me feel wanted and brushed aside all in the same comment. You can buy your own from now on.
[later that day]
I'm back again to sit and figure out my thoughts. Things haven't worked out as good as i had planned. I feel sick. I'm tired and i can't eat. I feel like my body is giving up on me. I don't want to feel like this..
JULY 20, 2001
Holy Hotness
After a few bad days things are getting better. I still feel sick, as if my body is giving up on me. but i am feeling better. I've made a few new friends. One, daniel, has major potential to be a great friend. We seem to have alot in common. I hope it continues this way.
This weekened is river falls days. It's like this big celebration. I doubt i will go to any of the activities. I wanted to go to the battle of the bands but it turns out i won't be going to that cos my sister is leaving to go to a concert. and since i don't have any friends, it looks like i'm not going. cos i'm not going by myself.
I went shopping yesterday and got a few new things. I had a good time. and i watched this movie called brokedown palace. which i really liked.so i recommend it to you.
Work seems to be going alright. I seem to be able to handle the newer people. And i got paid today, so things are looking up. Tho they have me and my sister scheduled for differnet days for the next few weeks. I'm not sure why. Well, i don't have alot of time today, so i'll try and write in here again as soon as i can.
JULY 23, 2001
Once again
Had a great day yesterday. Been confused about life and whats really going on. Keeping at a distance but being dragged back in. Having time off for myself. I want to make the most out of it. hearing beautiful things i want to hear every second in the day makes me think twice about what i'm doing. Hearing things i don't like to hear..are forcing me to think differently. I'm gonna have a life from now on. It makes men do crazy things.
JULY 24, 2001
Silence
I'm waiting to get past whatever it is thats annoying me but i'm not sure what it is. I'm sick of being pushed around by everyone. So i'm being silent for a while. I have a few days off of work so i'm making the best of them. Being alone is good for the soul, i guess. I'm not really sure. I just know that i'm upset and when i'm upset i don't want to talk, even if it's with you. I hope we both realize what we need to realize.
JULY 27, 2001
Heart
Lifes good. i'm making my self busy and turning things around. What else is there to say.
JULY 30, 2001
Sadness Everyone is so sad around me. i can't seem to figure it out. Am I some kind of evil person? Do i make everyone else miserable. I am told it is not me but i can't seem to believe that. They say that they have things to think over. Things that don't involve me. Cos " not everything has to do with you". I don't know what to do. I'm stuck with trying to be happy and make them happy at the same time. But i feel very left out. like everyone has their own life but me. Whats wrong with me if my boyfriend doesn't even want to talk to me about things? I don't know. He says he wants to have great conversation and not be so mad all the time. so he says he might go back on medication. he tells me he loves me over and over. but i'm getting distant now. and thats one place i don't want to be. I have 2 more days off work and then i go back for 7 days in a row. not much fun to me. but atleast i will get out and not be waiting around for nothing. so i guess it's good. I'm too confused right now. i'll write tomorrow. Hopefully i will be better.
JULY 31, 2001
Pitty
Felt like it was only happening cos they were pittying me. I wasn't very happy about that but i guess i might be jumping to conclusions cos i felt left behind. Things were goind great yesterday. Things were said that i needed to hear. things were back on track. then it happend. the whole pitty ordeal. and i was left with out knowing what to think. and then today....i'm not sure what to think about today either. my boyfriends coming over later and i hope everything is good. other wise i will be weird and then it is no good for anyone.

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