January 2001

January_26_2001
Stop
After 2 days of not being able to get on the web i have alot to catch up on but yet don't feel like doing any of it. My boyfriend is coming over tonight. I was excited all day. But now i have become sad. Not sure exactly why. Thoughts are in my head that aren't suppose to be there. Maybe there real. Maybe my head wants them to be real. I don't want to feel like this right now. I want to be happy and know whats real and whats not. But i guess if i thought like that i wouldn't be who i am.
I ran into an old friend last night. It's weird talking to people who use to be so important to you and now have become nothing. It only make me wonder who's next?
[later that day]
Why do i have to try so hard? I want everything to be perfect but that just makes it harder. Then I have something to live up to. I wish i could just relax and be happy in the moment and not wish i had been, after it's over. I wish he could just know what it's like then maybe he wouldn't hate me. Not like he really hates me now. He doesn't hate me which only makes me hate myself. I just need to breath. I wish he could be here and we could do the day over..And this time i wouldn't mess up. On the brighter side of today, I did get to see him and he gave me flowers and a Pearl Jam book full of pictures. I loved the flowers more than anything. Not only cos i got them but because it was unexpected. And because i have the greatest boyfriend ever my mom said i was spoiled. Am i really? *

January_27_2001
Not Important Enough
Why is it just when you think things are good, they suddenly become bad? People are too pre-occupied with meaningless things and push the important stuff to the side. Sooner or later the stuff you seem to have no time for, will have no time for you. I should be use to it by now but i'm not. Today was going alright. I was gonna say some things to people that i needed to, but when the time came they didn't seem to want to hear them. So, like always i chose to keep my mouth shut.
We took my sister home and stoped at walmart. I stayed in the car with my aunt, while my mom went in. I listened to "Never is a Promise" by Fiona Apple. I love that song and can always relate to it. People make promises to me all the time that i know they will never keep. I wish they would just not say anything at all. It would make life so much easier. Things were going down hill all day. I don't know if they were actually that bad or if i made them that bad. I got home and desperatly need to do something different. I started to re-arrange stuff in my room. Now 3 hours later nothings in it's place. My rooms a mess. I started thinking about my life 3 years ago and how things were so complicated and yet made sense. Things might not have been how i wanted them to be. but at least i knew where i stood. I knew if i meant something or not. Even if it was a bad thing. At least i knew. Thinking about old friends. One in particular. That made me smile. Wondering what they're up to. I guess i'll never know.
The one thing that i counted on today i shouldn't have. They say I'm suppose to always feel important But yet when it comes down to it i'm behind everything...and i do mean EVERYTHING. I know i shouldn't put up with it but i don't deserve any better. Sooner or later i'll get bored.*

okay i'm gonna try something new. At the end of each day i'm gonna name an artist/song. This is the main song that i listened to that day and more than likely, if i listened to it alot it probably applys to how i am feeling that day but not always..so today's is........
Fiona Apple-"Never is a Promise"

January_28_2001
So Inappropriat
My day was going pretty good. I was actually excited. The day kept getting better and better. Now i am consumed with fear, regret, hopelessness, and worry.
I'm back to not being good enough. I am and will never be excepted. I am being hated for something i can not control. I do not choose to be how i am. I wish i could go back in time and erase my future. And Not get involved with things i should have just left alone. Things are said that are suppose to clear things up but it ends up making me think to hard. About what's real and whats only said to make it seem like we're on the same page. We've never been on the same page. It only appeared that way cos you lied. You lied to make it seem like feelings were there that weren't. Why should i matter when you do what you want to do anyway. I don't care, just don't lie about it.
You say you care and you are for sure. But yet in your mind you are confused. How is that? Tomorrow is another day. Maybe good, maybe bad.....I guess we have to wait and see. No Matter what you'll say it's alright and your still here. but in your mind you're already gone.
I wish you could know what it's like to be hated like this. For something you have no control over. Hated for one reason but liked by the same people for another. Them hating me only makes me hate them. I don't want to hate them. But i guess it doesn't matter cos i'm inappropriat.
A strange email leaves me confused..but a survey from my cousin keeps me from thinking to hard about it.*
Korn-"Faget"

January_29_2001
Confusion To Certainty
Thoughts of yesterday lingered in my head to the point to where i was upset. Unsure of how to proceed. Do i forget about everything and continue as if nothing was said? A phone call during the day made things weird...Not GOOD nor BAD..just weird...UNCERTAINTY...Didn't think about it much til i decided to make a call of my own..Not to discuss my life but thats what it turned out to be. Words coming out of my mouth making me depressed..I wish it was all perfect..But it's not....
I worked on a puzzle(i know i'm a nerd..but i love puzzles) and spent some quality time with my mom. Which did make things alot better. I was actually in a good mood. Then some unexpected visitors made me tense.. They decided to stay all night. GREAT!!!!
I received another phone call....My boyfriend. Sweetness....Unexected sweetness...We didn't talk all that long but it did make me certain of a few thing. Things that have been bothering me...I know those thoughts will be back again. Probably before the day is done. but at least i was certain for a while..Knowing love and believing in it...Not analyzing it until theres nothing left. But just believing in it. I wish I could be like this all the time. Life is alright.
My sister is going to the fuel/buckcherry concert on wednesday. Which reminds me she has my fuel cd i was looking for today. She's trying to get me to go to the matchbox20/lifehoue concert in 2 months..Not sure if it's possible. Too many people. I couldn't handle it. I want to... Work my way up to go with someone special. Unsure if it's even something i should try for. But i don't think it's up to me. If my sister wants me to go, She will find one way or another to pressure me into going.*
Artificial Joy Club-"Sick and Beautiful"

January_30_2001
Don't Mention it
Today actually looks promising. Feeling someone cares. Making time just for me. I just hope it lasts. One thing is still on my mind. Things are said that makes it good. But things are said that makes it bad...I choose not to believe in any of them right now. Thoughts aren't consuming me like they use to. And the funny thing is that i'm not even trying. Maybe i should do this more often.
[later that day]
Things went really well today. And i'm really happy. But the one thing i didn't want to talk about was brought up. I Know i should have been straight about it. But i couldn't. I should just be happy about what doesn't go on...So i kept quiet....
I'm supposedly seeing my boyfriend[shawn] tomorrow. I hope it actually happens. I miss him, like always.
Chatted with alot of new people last night. Only one i actually enjoyed talking with. I also got an email saying i had a secret admirer...I had to guess who it was and if i was wrong then it would send an email to them saying they had a crush...so i didn't do it.*
Dave Matthews Band-"Crash Into Me"

January_31_2001
I'll understand, if you'll understand
Well, i found out who my crush was...Pretty funny i thought..
My sister is going to see fuel/buckcherry tonight and is chatting with me right now about it. She's freaking out about what to wear. I guess i would be too... Among other things.
I'm here alone....NO ONE came to visit me...sad sad sad sad.. Unsure of the plans for today but they're turning out to be crap....fun fun fun..
[later that day]
okay..........I'm very frustrated right now and confused, disappointed, and just down right angry. How can these things keep coming up? I don't know what he wants from me. All i want is for him to be happy and whatever happens as a result of that is his problem.. which ultimately becomes something i am forced to deal with. He wants me to understand...WELL I DO UNDERSTAND...Things i should say but don't want to...He has to make up his own mind...I know what he wants even tho he hides it from me..
How can one thing be okay and not the other??? He's gonna keep changing his mind until he gets what he wants..I know what he wants but i pretend i don't..If i didn't pretend i'd be in a lot more trouble than i am now. [I can't talk about this right now.. I'm gonna go see if anyone's chatting].....Chatting did me no good...My sister just got back from the concert and had a fantastic time.....At least someone had a good day...
I am so unsure of what went on tonight..Things got so confusing..I don't know why? I guess people are unhappier than they're letting on. I mean we're all unhappy.. Even me..but My unhappiness isn't from him.
I tell him it's fine. Go right ahead..I want him to believe me or atleast convince myself....But he knows me to well...He want's me to understand..well, i want him to understand....Way to many feelings that i can't express...i can't write about this anymore*
Anouk-"Sacrifice"