February_01_2001
I won't hold you back anymore
A new month.......I'm glad January is over...Maybe this on will be better.
I met a bunch of cool people on the net last night...chatted with a new guy that was quite interesting..and added him as a buddy on MSN..an now....at 1:08 pm.....chatting with another interseting guy who i've also added to my MSN list..I would like to talk to girls but they have no interest in talking with other girls...They think if you want to talk to another girl you must be a lesbian....well i'm not..i just don't want to get hit on every two seconds by pathetic guys who can't get girls in real life..so they have to hit on every girl they meet on net....I mean come on....But still once and a while theres a cool one that just wants to talk and be friends and respects the fact that i have a boyfriend..and thats good.....
I'm not sure what to think about last night..How everything was.. I'm still feeling weird about it. I wish he could just go in my head and understand everything i want to tell him. but he can't so i have to do my best to make him understand....He called from school and say's everythings fine...and it is... i think...but i still feel like things should be talked about further. but i don't want to complicate things..So i won't and i feel bad...But im supposed to be seeing him tomorrow...i hope so. Then maybe we can clear things up...
My day sucked......Just got off the phone and realized so much... It's all so clear right now. Why doesn't he care. It's all too much to deal with right now. None of which i want in my head. I don't know how to be perfect and i have to be. Giving enough room but not too little so it doesn't seem like i don't care.. i can't do that. I don't know how..So many thoughts and they all lead to me. When will i be good enough. When will i figure out how to be perfect. Thats the only way people will actually love me. I want to go to bed and forget about all this for a while. but thats impossible it's only 11:01pm...got 4 hours til i usually go to bed...great....Now i am forced to sit here and think about how un-perfect i am...Thats the last thing i want to think about.
Chatted with a new guy about things on my mind. About shawn and the age difference. Not that we have a problem with it but his parents do. I really enjoyed talking to this guy about it but now i can't even remember his name or nic. oh well...he has my MSN addy if he wants to chat.*
Human Waste Project-"Drowned"
February_02_2001
Why can't it always be like this
Today was great. Spent it with shawn. Still one thing bothering, the same thing as a couple of days ago. I still choose to believe nothing. Good or Bad. Too much is said for both sides that i can't figure out which one is true. I know i should just believe what i am told but too many things are the same.. I don't know....
We talked about how guilty i've been feeling lately. and Told him he needs to go out and have fun and do what he wants. As long as it's not going to do any damage to us i don't mind. I just want him to be happy. So I feel better..We had an absolutly great day. Seeing him is great but then i know i won't be seeing him for a while so it makes me sad. I wish i could be a part of his everyday life but i can't right now. Someday tho, I will.
Oh yeah saw "The Kid". it was alright. The little kid is funny. But by far not the best movie i've ever seen.[my sisters going to hate me. she loves bruce]. Thinking about one thing makes me sad. It's not anything that could be controlled but still it happened and i played it off as nothing but now i am still sad..O' well.*
Babes In Toyland-"He's my Thing"
February_03_2001
I hope you had fun. Cos now i'm back to where i started
I saw "The Patriot". I didn't like it. It was to long and sad. and i don't know...Today was not a good day to watch a movie like that..
[later that day]
I hate when it's like this. Why do you have to do this. Just disregard me...i mean nothing apparently....Just go on with your life and act like i don't exist. You should know, that i'm getting sick of it. I don't treat you like this ,so why do you treat me like this. If this continues i will be forced to do the same to you. I'll make you regret everytime you put me behind everything.. It's not that hard. It only takes a second. but i guess you want to make it like this.. You'll blow it off or you'll have an excuse ,but i don't want to hear it.. I never want to hear another excuse from you for as long as i live. You know this is only gonna make it worse tomorrow.. Thoughts that i tried so hard to get rid of, are being forced back in my head. And now things have changed again..Don't you dare get mad at me, cos It's all your fault.*
Korn-"Need To"
February_04_2001
Sick and still nothing
sick...wish i was better. don't want to feel like this. Of course there was an excuse and i was pushed back once again.. You tell me one day it won't be like this and as much as i want to believe you, you know i can't. How many minutes in the day and you have none for me.. Well, thats fine. I'll go somewhere else and make it easier on you..I want to be with you so why don't you want to be with me.
Why can't you just go somewhere and not be here..You make me feel like i will never do anything right..Tip toe around you and make everything nice..but you're still not happy..I don't care anymore...You hate me so i hate you back.. I'm done trying to play nice.
I saw "The Cell" on pay per view. People were saying it was such a great movie. but i was actually dis-appointed...In the movie or in the people who thought it was so great..either way it doesn't matter.
[later that day]
Set aside yet again...makes me sad. Asks me questions that i can't tell the answers to. Why doesn't he realize. I love him with everything i have. When is it my turn? Will it ever be my turn? I'm highly doubting it. As long as he's happy. I guess i am too.*
Lisa Loeb-"I Do"
February_05_2001
Almost Perfect
Today started out slow. I was actually in a great mood. My thinking was clear. I knew what was real and if it wasn't, then i didn't consume my self in it. Went to shopko and things took a sudden turn for the worse. Why are guys so dumb? (to any guys reading this don't take it personally). They make some degrading comment to us and thats suppose to make us want them? yeah right....Anyway it made me upset but i brushed it off and went on being happy. I bought a few cards to give people for valentines day and a gift for my sister. Which i hope she likes. Then the day went on. Talking to someone made me worried and kinda sad but i decided not to dwell on it. Talking to that person later on i realized some things.. I wish i could be prefect in every way. I'm not. but that doesn't mean that nobody's gonna love me for who i am. I've been realizing that more and more. I still feel the need to be someone i'm not. And sometimes i am, but i realized it's okay to be who i am sometimes too. I hope this continues.
I love it when he's like this. It makes me think clearer. He just surprises me sometimes. And i love it. To know that he cares and would never hurt me. Even tho he has. When ever i try and make it like this, I think about those times. But today i can look past the hurt and just be in love.
I watched "What Lies Beneath". I liked it alot. Made me have some ideas in my head that weren't true but i dismissed them quick enough. I love it when things are like this. To truly know and believe. And not have doubts. I need it to be like this all the time. and it will be.*
sorry no song today
February_06_2001
Is it my time....to be freaking out
I watch hollowman. I didn't really want to see it..but i was really bored so i did.. I wish i hadn't..it sucked...a complete waste of my time..I also watched "The Mole", I know i'm a nerd...But i can't help but like that show...I also watched buffy cos i have to tape it for my sister every week. There was something about this particular episode that i loved. One scene i've been watching over and over....And even tho i shouldn't want to relate to it, i do.
Why do i always feel things that aren't there?
Why do i always make things so complicated?
Why can't i just understand and let things be?
Everything that i've tried so hard to overcome has suddenly been thrown back in my life. One tiny little insignificant comment has brought me back to a place i hate. I'm so sorry..I never meant to say the things i said. I wish i could take it all back. Loosing where i was going only to go back..I don't want to go back...I want to go forward. And never even look back. but you say it's all okay...that you'll still be here tomorrow..i wish i would still be here tomorrow. but it won't be me. I'm starting to be my old self again.. I knew it was to good to last.
Lisa Loeb-"Furious Rose"
February_07_2001
I don't need to be perfect
Insightful day. So Aware of my present life. Knowing things are good when i don't try.
I just want to be myself for a while. I want to think normal, look normal, be normal. I used to think "normal" was a bad thing...and i still think it is. but it's alot better than what i am now.
Thinking all day of how to explain. He says it all in seconds. It was so simple. Why did it take me this long? He leaves me speachless.
I've been so stupid. Making things so comlicated. I'm done with that. I say that now and meant it to. but sooner or later things will come back. They always do. but i have to try and make an effort or they will always be here. I don't want them to be here at all.
Today was good...Life was good....Things were good...I was good...One thing was said that didn't fit in. Not sure if it meant anything. I have to know what it was all about. he says nothing and i have to believe him. but just in case i will ask him tomorrow. And if it isn't nothing, then i will make it up to him.*
Vanilla Ice-"Ice Ice Baby"(new vesion..even tho i hate vanilla ice)
February_08_2001
I'm not ready
I wish i could do whatever you asked of me. I can't this time. You are worried but i am fine. I'm always fine. Entice me. Even tho i don't think it will work this time. I still want to be perfect. You know why i do what i do. or atlest you know some of the reasons. I'm afraid if i tell you the rest you will stop. I don't want you to stop. It pushes me to be more. Comments are said and a coversation was started. It settled some of me but the rest is still afraid and that part, forces me. I hope i will be ready someday. but i don't think i am today.*
Bjork-"Hyperballad"
February_09_2001
Sad and Lonely
sadness has somehow overcome me. Missing you so much that i cry. Why does it have to be like this. It's not fair. I would never take that for granted. You and me...lonely. Why can't we be together. and then we wouldn't have to be lonely. Thoughts that i wish i didn't have are in my head. Not choosing to except them. but they're still there. I don't mean to make you feel bad. Thats just the way i am. But i'm trying harder than ever to not be that person anymore. Tomorrow's gonna be worse. I know. Thoughts will be consuming me. I won't be able to think straight. I guess it could be worse. I need you now..more than ever. but i'll be okay.*
silverchair-"Miss You Love"
February_10_2001
Not from you too
I wish you could just understand. I wish i could just be who you want me to be. Things are good but still not good enough for you. You make me feel bad. I'm already too close to the edge. Why are you making this so hard. Just add one more thing to my list of imperfections and lets see what happens. Maybe it will all be too much for me. But come on, come on, lets just see what happens. Lets see how much i can handle. You're forcing back into the person i was. The person you hated. But as long as you're happy.*
Babes in Toyland-"Mother
February_11_2001
Add it to my list
Perfectionism turns to me, Me turns back into perfectionism. I wish you just would have left it alone. You want to know why i'm like this? Why i always obssess over things that mean nothing. Promises mean nothing coming from that direction. I don't even put a little bit of faith in it. cos i know it will be shattered. Why can't you just do what you say. I change for you, I change for her, I change for him, I change for everyone but me..I'm just gonna go back to being the person i was before. It's not me. But it's what every wants. All i wanted was to be myself for a while..why couldn't you just give me that.
[later that day]
You disappeared for a while, like always. And i was left alone with my thoughts. Then in a brief moment you came back to me. Everything seems fine, but you seem to have changed your mind. Even tho i doubt you really have. Things get back to normal and here it comes. A comment that makes me sad. Knowing i will be alone for a while. I don't think it bothers you, like it bothers me.*
Abra Moore-"Happiness"
February_12_2001
Missing you
Today was pretty much a normal day. Everything was alright. Not good or bad...just alright. Promises were made and not kept. And an excuse was give, just like always. I've learned that when you say you promise..it doesn't mean anything. I didn't really bother me. Well, it does, just not in the way you would think. So my day went on. I went to see "What Women Want" with my mom. I didn't really want to see it. but my mom loves Mel Gibson. So i went with.. The first 15 mintues was pure crap. Feeding things into my head that i don't really need. But then it got better. Some funny parts, some not even near funny parts. Tho other people in the theater found them funny. Which only makes me wonder "what is wrong with me?".
[later that day]
Saddened at the fact that your not here. That you can never be here. Wanting so badly just one minute with you. Thinking that maybe you don't want that. You assure me that you do. Things are good. Tho they are being ubscured by me missing you. You assure me you are feeling the same thing. Afterwards i let myself believe that maybe it was lie. I don't know why i do this. I can feel myself forcing my mind to change. I try to stop it. but it's no use. I just have to wait and see if it passes. Hopefully it does.
Staind-The whole "Dysfunction" Cd
February_13_2001
Tell me again, where do i fit in?
Saddness has devoured me. The certainty of not knowing. And the uncertainty of how things are. I'm trying so hard to be the good person, im suppose to be. But it's just making me more sad. I'm getting tired. I'm becoming bored with the way you treat this. It will come to a time when i will be forced to do the same to you. I don't want to. But it just might come down to that.
[later that day]
Surprised by you. I don't know what to do. Isn't that surprising? You left me asking myself why i always do this. The same thing over and over. I know you will do the rigth thing, Or atleast i'm getting there. But still, you surprised me and i loved it.
[on a different topic]
I am very happy with myself. I manage to succeed in something today. And by a huge margin even. Something that i've been trying for a while now. Tempted by almost everything in the book. But i still managed. I am happy for that, but in the same way i am dragging myself past what i can handle. I don't want to live like this anymore. But yet i do. For a number a reason. I just wish i could have it all. But i can't, so i continue on the same path as i have been. Hopefully, one day it will actually lead somewhere beautiful.*
Staind-"Suffocate"
February_14_2001
Valentines Day
Can't we stay like this forever. Loving every minute with you. Having new experiences. I wish i could feel it like you do..Everything was perfect..well as perfect as it can get right now. Some things coming out of your mouth that i hadn't thought of before. Now i am forced to deal with. Scared out of my mind that i will loose you. I guess my turn isn't coming soon. But i didn't let that ruin my day with you. When you're here everything else seems to go away. and i forget everything. Maybe thats why it's so bad when you're not here.
The night went on after you were gone and then the unexpected happened...It made my day and i loved that you were thinking of me.*
Smashing pumpkins-"Stand inside your love"
February_15_2001
Of course it wasn't you
Tempted by everything but this time i gave in. Why? now i feel terrible..Tomorrow will be better. It has to be. Confused by everything. Unsure of whats the truth. Even tho i should just believe you. But things don't happen for no reason. Everything was perfect. You even said you missed me. And of course i have to mess it up like always. I just shouldn't have said anything. I would be worried but then you wouldn't have been mad. Cos now i'm worried anyway.
I'm sorry it's so hard for me.. But i am trying...Harder than you'll ever know..
[on a different topic]
Found out i'm going shopping on sunday. I seriously can't wait..I get to see my sister and i think one of my favorite cousins is coming also....I'm going to look at new clothes and get this magazine with silverchair on the cover....YEA!!! I'm stoked.*
Linkin Park-"Runaway"
February_16_2001
It's like you don't even exist
Go a head and be like that. If this is how you want to play it. Fine. All i did was wait for you, so i could tell you what i wanted to. But no, you gotta play your childish games on me. I don't care.. If you don't want to then i don't want to either...Whats the use.
[on a different topic]
I was invited to go on a road trip next weekend. It should be fun. I'm just excited to get away. Maybe this will make you realize, just what it is you want from me..
February_17_2001
Am i wearing a sign?
I went shopping today. My two favorite cousins came with. It was fun. I got a lot of new clothes. I don't know why i should be happy. I have no reason to be. Well, part of me is happy. The other part of me is confused.
I must have done something today? Every where i went guys were checking me out. I mean EVERY WHERE. I don't understand it. Guy after guy after guy. It was pathetic. I ignore them and then they get the hint..I wasn't all that great today either..Am i ever? There must have been something in the water. I have no idea.
I saw my sister. She was all giddy...in a way. I never really did find out what that was about. But it's good anyway.
[on a different topic]
Everything is getting so confusing. Family, friends, relationships, life...I don't know why. I'm getting back to where i'm never home. Too many things keep me away. But not enough...Sometimes i wish i could just run away. And start a new life somewhere. Where no one can judge me because i'm not acting like myself. You were the foolish one. I was just being me. But you hate that part of me. Well, so do i. I tell you more than i feel or think. Otherwise you would still be non existent.*
Deftones-"Street Carp"
February_18_2001
Take a right, when you pass everyone else
Time is going by faster and faster. I just can't get enough of it. So this is what it feels like. I don't want to write in code anymore. Just so you can feel better about yourself. We all hide in our own shadows. We all have our own demons. I don't know why mine are so different. I don't want to sit and think about them and tell you if i've gotten any better. I am who i am. Even tho i don't want to be her. I'm sick of hearing whats wrong with me. You say everything is fine. but you keep your distance. Well you go right a head. I don't want to make time for you right now anyway. I want to turn into him, into her, into anyone else....Maybe then you would have time.
[later that day]
crying, crying...you say things just to hurt me. Why do you want to hurt me? I couldn't handle the truth right then. But everything came out anyway. Always blaming me for not trusting you. When it was your fault that i didn't. All i ever get from you are lies. I pretend not to notice as you look at her, at her, at her, at her, at her. It's just a reaction. Well, i have that same reaction. i just don't act on it. but this is fine. i can deal with it. I feel pain in between the sadness and the numbness. Why did i ever expect anything different. You're just like everyone else. I thought you were special. And for once, i thought i was special. I can't believe i was wrong.
silverchair-"Untitled"
February_19_2001
Blank
Waking up with that pain in my heart. well, whats left of my heart. Trying to accomplish anything, but the tears keep coming. Once again you've left me sad and wounded. Wanting so badly to close my eyes and never open them again. You keep pulling me along. someday you will cut the rope. And i will be left alone, stranded in a place that is not familiar anymore. Whatever the case I will blame myself. Act like you want, i never wanted you to be like me. I don't want anyone to have to be like me...In this pain filled world i knew the time was coming. Twist the knife deeper, farther into me. I think this might actually be able to hurt a little more. You can push it in until you are satisfied. I don't mind. I'm numb anyway.
silverchair-"Suicidal Dream"
February_20_2001
Getting back to good
You say things to hurt me, then you change your mind. Go back on what you said. How am i suppose to know what to believe. You know i'm not capable of that. The one thing that consumed me doesn't anymore. Now everything i pushed aside is forcing me back down. I really don't know what to think. It is a slap in the face to tell me the truth. but i'd rather have the truth than lies. But i can't pretend that it didn't mean anything. I can't pretend that everythings the same. I forgot what you said. cos you change your mind so much. But i'm still here hoping for the best. I managed to get past the last 2 days. I guess i'm stronger than i realized. You picked my shattered heart up off the floor, every last piece and you healed it. I'm not sure if thats a good thing, but right now i'm happy.
Getting phone calls from people i care about. Makes me happy for a little while anyway. Emails from friends make me worried but hopeful and even a little happy. Finding out i won't be alone tomorrow. I guess it's a good thing. Figuring out i need to have some fun of my own. I can't wait til i have someone to have fun with. But i guess that has to wait a while. Maybe you'll worry, like i do. part of me wishes you don't but most of me wishes you do. I think it will be nice to switch roles for once. One thing concerns me but not sure what it was exactly. Hearing one thing and you saying another. If i could only remember the whole thing. but i'm not gonna sit and dwell on it right now anyway..i probably will later. I'm just happy that i'm not crying tears thats i don't have anymore.*
Staind-"Home"
February_21_2001
Knowing is the best thing
All i can say is that i love you. Everything disappearing before our eyes. Bringing back what we started with. No worry, no fights, nothing but love. I thought you would be busy and put me off today but you didn't. Everything falling into place. Plans to see eachother soon. I can't wait. Wishing i could be with you now. Knowing that just because other things happen doesn't mean you don't love me. Knowing that i come first. Well, before everyone else. Things are great.*
Vast-"Three Doors"
February_22_2001
Don't say it's good
Dredding today but it was actually quite good. Talked to my sister for a while on the phone. I thought i would be lonely today but i wasn't. Heard some good news. Even something that made me laugh. So today turned out to be good. My cousins away for a few days. YEA!!!!! Found out my boyfriends coming over early tomorrow..I can't wait. A friend sent me a bunch of silverchair pictures that are so awesome. I shouldn't say this but things are really good. Me and my sister have realized that when we say things are good. They instantly become bad. I wonder why that is? Maybe it's just all in our heads.*
Deftones-"rx queen"
February_23_2001
Can it get a little more romantic
Today marks me and my boyfriends 1 year and 2 months together. Everything has been so great lately. He couldn't come over early but he did get to stay longer than usual. It was probably one of our best times together. Things were said that i've been needing to hear. Wishing with everything i had so he wouldn't have to leave. but he did. Getting back what we can't always have. Being in a somewhat long distance relationship, even tho we live 15 mintues from eachother. Loving every second together. Maybe my wish did come true..switching places. For once it's not him and it's not me. but it's us. Wanting the same things at the exact time. It only makes me sad knowing that it will be a while until the next time. but we'll manage, we always do.*
Santana-"Love of my Life"
February_24_2001
Go Away
I hadn't really noticed that i had gotten better, until it all came back. Everything was fine and then it hit me. Thinking things that i wasn't suppose to. Not sure what i was thinking. That part of me is gone and i won't get it back for a while. I hope it's just the sadness that makes me think like this. Or maybe it's that other thing. I just wish it would go away. Thinking that some day a little more will come out when i least expect it. Not sure if i will be able to handle it. But for now i had to ruin it, when i could have gotten some points. Unsure as to what i did to change the situation. Hoping that some day he surprises me and changes it back. Hoping he keep his promise. He says tomorrow will be better. I hope so.*
Disturbed-"The Game"
February_25_2001
.....
Waking up from bad dreams, but for some reason feeling better. Thoughts that were in my head have gone. I just hope you aren't mad. I hope you don't keep your distance. Just one bad day with bad thoughts, but i'm back to normal. And normal is a good thing now.
NO COMMENT RIGHT NOW
February_26_2001
Can't right now
talking to friends makes things better. Praying that he chooses me. knowing that things will be better if he just gives me the chance. wishing that he calls soon. and has good news for me. Living in a world where everything reminds me of him. praying that he chooses stellar and not trash. Emailing him even tho i'm suppose to be giving him space. Praying that it's not to late. I went shopping to take things of my mind. but some how ended up at his work. not paying attention to if he was there. cos i wasn't sure if he wanted me to. looking for him before i left. but nothing. I got some things that made it a little better but nothing that come close to him calling. Knowing that he will do the right thing. without any outside influences. Starving myself cos i can't eat while i'm thinking about him. Scaring myself isn't an option when i make promises.
February_27_2001
Can't right now
Needing him right now. Trying to keep him off my mind but nothing seems to be working. Nothing is worth it if he's not here. Nothing is good.