AUGUST 02, 2001
Unsatisfied
Lifes boring
AUGUST 07, 2001
Too Much Work
All i've been doing is working..Thankfully they gave me tomorrow off. so i get to see my boyfriend..i just hope he is doing better..he's been kinda depressed lately, and i hope him seeing me makes him a little bit more happy..other wise i feel bad...like i'm not doing my job as a girlfriend..but on other news...i seem to be getting more and more friends....this one guy daniel...we seem to have alot in common...it's kinda weird cos he seems like a male version of me...except he's comfortable with himself,. which is far from what i am...but he's way cool guy...also i'm going to see Tool on Septemeber 06...i'm excited but not as excited as i think i should be....
not only is work driving me crazy but the people at work are also...theres only 2 people i can stand and one, nick was getting on my nerves today..he can be the sweeetest guy but me and my sister have noticed that he also has a jerk quality to him..so yeah...lifes alright..but too busy and feeling like i'm wanted in some peoples lifes that i never expected and feeling not wanted by people i expect to be wanted from..i guess it's just my fault....i guess i expect too much from certain people and not enough from others....well, anyway. i'm seeing my boyfriend tomorrow..and i hope it all goes well...
AUGUST 08, 2001
Not the same old
Things have changed and i don't know where it leaves me. I'm not sure what this all means. I don't know whats real and whats not. I feel like i shouldn't believe in anything. cos other wise it's not gonna work out. people telling me that i can't handle things. People telling that i can't know. Fuck this. I don't think you know whats best for me.
AUGUST 10, 2001
quiet
Work has been way to complicated. I get there and then i want to go home. But it should all be over soon.
I got a call from a friend yestreday. it was weird but also good, i guess....I need more friends. Real friends. not ones that are there only there when they want to be.
[another topic]
Things have been bothering me alot lately. I keep getting told that i'm not a good enough person. That i need to change things in my life so that i am good enough for them. So that i can "become Someone". I don't appreciate things like that. I think i need to be myself for a while and see whos still around then. And if they aren't then i know who my real friends are.
My "soul brother" richard spent the night, and that made me happy.
AUGUST 14, 2001
Left out
I'm tired...i feel like i'm not needed or not wanted actually..but what can i do....nothing...All i do is work..and i don't really mind it..it gives me something to do and even tho thats really sad to say, i don't care..i'm sick of caring so i'm not gonna care anymore...is that okay with everyone?
AUGUST 20, 2001
confusion
I'm so confused about everything. confusion is so far past what that word even means. i can't even think at this point. I don't know where i stand. or if i even have a place to stand anymore..Work is consuming. life is consuming. alot of things are happening this week and i just want to enjoy them but it's getting to where i can't even stand to think at all. one good thing is that i seem to be making friends. Like people i could actually stay friends with for a long time..so i guess thats a very good thing. My birthday is on saturday and everyones making a big deal about it and it's kinda making me mad...i just want it to be just another day.....i have to much on my mind to deal with my b-day...
AUGUST 29, 2001
Empty
Theres alot in my life to look forward to...and all the stuff i don't want to look forward to, is crashing into me...my mind doesn't want to have to think anymore..i don't want to sit and question everything. i don't want to bitched at for every little thing. i don't want to be told how i am suppose to be. i don't want to have to hide things from you. i don't want to be out second..life is the way that it is ...and i'm trying to be the happy one but all this is getting in the way..
i have alot to tell..but i haven't been on line in a week...so i'll get caught up as soon as i can..
AUGUST 31, 2001
Stiched Back Up I saw my boyfriend yesterday, we had a terrific time. sometimes i hate that he knows me so well. but then, for the most part.....i love it. to have someone know you so well you don't even have to say anything and they already know what you are thinking..i was trying my best not to let him get into my mind. but he did.....he kept asking me if i had something on my mind. i said no...and he said yeah, you do. ...don't lie..what is it...i kept telling him i didn't have anything on my mind...so. it was a lie..but i didn't want to ruin my perfect day. so i kept quite. somethings have been getting me down. especially yesterday....a comment about things that have changed about me..i lost a bunch of weigh and for what. so i could lose the one good thing i had going for me. he says it's not a big deal...tho it was breaking my heart...so bad i cried about it. i've been trying my hardest to push things away in my life that cause me harm.. i've been feeling like people don't appreciate me in their lives...i don't know what to do...i feel love everyday,...it's stronger when that person is close but when they are not i get confused...lifes a rollercoaster lately.. and i feel i'm in a seat by my self....and every once in a while someone will come and ride a little ways with me..but sonner or later....they always leave again...