April 01, 2001
April 02, 2001
April 03, 2001
April 04, 2001
April 05, 2001
April 06, 2001
April 07, 2001
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April 11, 2001
April 12, 2001
April 13, 2001
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April 27, 2001
Missed Something
Having a good day. Keeping busy. My sisters coming home today. Excited. Getting a call early. Hearing that tone. Deciding not to give in to it. Things seeming good. Clearing things away. Bringing things up from my past. Makes me happy and sad. Reading lyrics to things i have been hearing. Not good things...
Going out and having a life again. I love to make you realize things you have forgotten.. But i don't want to make you worried. Things in my head. Things i fear. So proud of myself, then because i coulnd't say no. cos there was other people listening. i gave it all up. For what? Now, i'm left all alone with my disgusting self. I wish, just for once i could win. But i can't.
Wanting to talk to you right now. I don't want you thinking anything thats not true. I don't want you thinking that i sound different
***Having my sister home, getting an unexpected phone call
Slipknot-"Wait and Bleed"
Getting Better
Having good days. Tho feeling bad cos other people do. It's not my fault. They're finally getting what they give out. Trying to make everyone happy. Feeling Guilty cos i gave in just like i knew i would.. Forcing tomorrow to be better. Organizing my life to fit myself better. Things are looking up tho i'm scared to let you down. I'm scared of this weekened. But the time is approaching fast. I need to be what you think i am. Not sure if i can. but i have to be.
***getting my new bed, having good conversations. someone signed my slambook :)
Good Charlotte-"Little Things"
Giving In
Liking the days lately. Things are good. Hearing that i hurt peoples feelings for speaking the truth. I want to get it across but not that way. Hearing things that i used to hear. Things i love to hear. Scared for things i'm gonna see. Scared for things i can't compare to. Just all around....scared..
***Things are just good....
Nonpoint-"Endure"
Can't even explain it
Seeing my boyfriend is the greatest thing. I had a great time. Even tho we only to see eachother for a few hours.. they're the best hours of my life...Things seeming to get better and better and i have no control over it. Maybe he's right and it was all his fault...I can't control things that are not my fault. Scared for saturday. not just scared but dredding it..every second of it. and i know i'm the only one. Knowing i have to get money..but scared to do it. Went and saw "spy kids" and it rocked...I loved it..Being all giddy and nervous to ask certain questions. but trying my hardest..
Econoline Crush-"Home"
I guess i was wrong
Things become so bad i don't want to be here anymore. Day gets worse and worse. Hating everything and Everyone, except for my sister. Spending time with her in the world we both seem to live in...Dredding everything.......Not sure what to do, what to say, what to think. I just want to disappear.
***Walking down town at midnight
Spineshank-"Play God"
Scared out of my mind
Fighting..Tired of this..I'm sorry i make it bad. I'm sorry i make it so it's not fun. Everything gets complicated. Everything takes a bad turn. I can't be mad, it's probably my fault. I knew it wouldn't all work out. It never does. Trying to make everyone happy and no one trying to make me happy.
[later that day]
Having conversations that make everything okay.
Clearing up the past few days and realizing it was about nothing. Keep hearing that you're done being the bad guy. Hoping it's true...Scared for tomorrow..
***Making up
Spineshank and Disturbed cd's
THE CONCERT
Dredding the day. The weather makes it worse. Having to go to a wedding without a date. Seeing people i used to know. Being looked at like i'm something now....Picking up my boyfriend gets harder every minute. But everything coming together. Being separated from the rest. Meeting up sooner than i thougt..I had the best time at the concert..Seeing godhead, spineshank, Mudvanye, and Disturbed..It was awesome...Thinking that stupid guys and slutty girls were gonna ruin it for me, but ended up fine...Spineshank played my favorite song "Play God"...I even got spit on by the, i think it was the bassist.....of spineshank...He drank water then spit it out and it landed on me :) Being into the music and a quick turn to be romantic...hearing the same beuatiful words coming out of your mouth over and over through out the night. Feeling so right. everything is the way i want it to be. Being called "The High Girl" for the rest of the night. Not really high, cos drugs are nast...but being really hyper and having fun. Feeling as if i'm annoying everyone around me. Hoping that he had a great time and doesn't regret anything.
***The concert
remembering
good day. talking about yesterday. Being told it was because of me.
getting farther and farther behind in here, not enough time..not enough effort. Being happy
***talking
Spineshank-"The height of callousness" cd
Weird
Today was so weird...people telling me lies. People breaking promises..Finding new friends. Everythings making me wonder..Having conversations about why i am the way i am...not wanting to talk about it.but being forced to..everyone thinking it's so easy...well, you can say that once you're in my shoes...
***watching aggressive in-line
Switchblade Symphony-"Sleep"
Drown the truth out until it makes sense again
making new friends make things a little better. Scared out of my mind..Worried to no extent..Trying to do what i think everyone else wants. Trying to live up to this person that is incapable of living..Hearing things i don't want to hear. I don't want to know...Realizing i am half of what ever else wants me to be. Having to find some equal ground to stand on...Not sure what has happened.
***making list for myself
NIN-"Hurt"
bringing me down for nothing
forcing my self to be positive. Realizing that i don't have to be the one who's always at fault. I can be who i am without always feeling bad. Knowing today is gonna be better. Lifes to short to always be angry and worried.
[later that night]
waiting and waiting and waiting. And then you brought me down. Making bigger things out of nothing. I hate when people are like this. Surprised that i will stand up for myself. Surprised that i don't take it anymore.
Switching places is fun.. We should do this more often..
[on a different topic]
I want to but i don't. I've been in those same shoes and no one understands...So i'll be careful.
***getting excited about concerts. Getting back to normal
Staind-"It's been a while"
Home
Getting out and doing more. trying to be the person they all want me to be. but loosing myself in the process. Staying up late talking on the phone. Loving when it's like this.
***late night calls
Our Lady Peace-"Right Behind You"
Happy? of course
Waking up with you in my room. Having the best day. Passion exceeds me. Leaving earlier than i thought. But it's all right. Getting into discussions about who i am to you. and i liked what i heard. Questions confuse me. I think i'm hearing things. People being alot sweeter than they have been. even bringing me things and knowing they've been thinking about me. I'm happy.
[later that night]
Getting phone calls and explainging my day. feeling hopeless and pathetic for a while but not letting it get to me too much.
***seeing my boyfriend
Spineshank-"Intake"
Universe
From happiness to frustration. Back to our worlds for a while. Fighting becomes the norm. I dont want it like this. Living life this way makes us crazy.Getting calls from people later than i thought..Being harrassed has a lot to do with it. Sick of the male species...Wishing for a better world..Trying to see if theres anything behind that curtin you always hold up.
***Not Sure
Rejection all around
Being told over and over that i hold my self at a distance. when here, i thought it was you. Trying to hard to make myself better for you. Then getting slapped in the face with things i am still fighting with. Trying to win, trying to be the princess. Trying to be the good person.
[later that night]
Rejection????? of course theres rejection. Constant movement in my head. Examining all explantions and reasons. Trying to make the world in my head reality....
***Having easter with my sister
Spineshank-"Where We Fall"
2 minutes.....
Having fights cos things somehow get twisted around coming through the other end..Knowing it's not because of us...Mind sets a bad thing when it comes to you. I've never cheated and i don't see how you can even compare the two.... or maybe your just trying to scare me....but either way it was your fault this time...I know i push it too far.and it doesn't help that i only hear what i want to hear.
having visitors that are driving me crazy. being woken up by sloppy drunks that think they know who we are....being afraid and finding it some what funny after all is said and done but still very annoyed
None
Not enjoying this as much as i used to....well...just not wanting to make the time to do it...Struggeling with the ideas in my head...Fighting has ceased for now anyway. Still looking for someone to take me but all i ever get is rejection...
***Spending time with my sister...
Spineshank-"While my guitar gently weeps"
Starvation
Fighting with it. Wanting to win for him. Not having nearly enough will to do it for myself. Trying to make him understand. but it's impossible...Finding out i'm going to x-fest is great but now i'm nervous...only having a month to get my self together. Exercised so i'm happy. Dragging my partner to do it to. Going out to eat makes me feel bad but trying to not let it get to me..Living in a different world just cos i'm a girl..it's not anywhere near fair..who set these standerds anyway..Hearing that it's not normal. well, it was meant in good terms but onl y made me feel worse...Everything comes out wrong in my head...Wanting this to be over but then reality setting in harder than anything else ever could.
***seeing my "soul brother" richard, exercising, finding out i'm going to x-fest.
Fiona Apple-"Mistake"
Ugly Girl
Trying to keep active. Trying to shape myself in to who i want to be. Trying to make other people understand whats it's like. Being hurt because of someones fooling around. Getting a call an being let go just as soon. Have to remember to put on the happy face at all times from now on.
***doing stuff with my sister
Filter-"Skinny"
A Better Person
No matter what i do we always end up talking about me. Forgetting to keep it nice and off topics i don't want to deal with. Having fights about which concerts to go to. X-fest or Ozzfest???? Hurting peoples feelings cos i can't get it in to my head. If it's funny to everyone else, then why isn't it funny to me. Because i'm the one who has to deal with it all the time. I'm sorry for making my problems yours, but i just thought if anyone could help me, it would be you. I guess i should have learned my lesson along time ago. Making lists of things i have to start doing. And my biggest problem isn't on it. But nobody else needs to know.
***going out to eat, knowing i will see my boyfriend soon
Good Charlotte-"Little Things"
absent
Having time to myself again. Knowing i can get away with more, Giving into the pressure. Wanting to feel empty for a while. Missing the feelings of the things i used to do. Making new friends that seem really cool.
[later that day]
Feeling pretty good about myself. Tried on old clothes and noticing they were too big for me :)
Wanting to go farther and father on this downward spiral...which is gonna make other people upset.
Getting upset cos people disregard me. I guess they aren't thinking of me.. I guess they don't want to be in my life. I guess i don't matter to anyone
Spineshank-"Slipper"
Ignore
Ignoring people all day. They hurt me and then expect me to always be around...I didn't want to talk cos i knew the fight was coming and of course you turn it around to be my fault like always. I'm starting to realize. I'm starting to understand how this game is played. One more time and there will be consequences. You don't have me wrapped around your finger anymore. Lying to get away with yourself. I went out and had a good time despite you. You try and make up for it later with talk you think is impressive but it's not. Once again you changed my mind
***walking in the rain with my sister
Good Charlotte-"Little Things"
Once Again
It's our anniversary tho no one seems to mind. Fighting surrounds me, giving me headaches. Once again you let me down. Once again you made me feel stupid. Once again you made me cry. Once again you made me feel worthless. But i can promise you this i the last time. So you better enjoy it. Hatred is being pulled in every direction. You better hope it doesn't land on you cos even i know i deserve better. I knew i shouldn't have beieved a word you said. Cos the only words you know are lies..so i will add another brick to the wall that surrounds my heart.
***Not Sure
silverchair-"Suicidal Dream">/b>
Catching Up
I haven't been doing much with my website. After this month i won't have access to the net for a while anyway. So i'm kinda leening myself off of it. I've been keeping busy with things. I've made self some goals and plan to meet all of the them. I'm getting excited about x-fest, even tho it's a month away. But i'm also nervous about it..So i'm trying to get over it. I saw my boyfriend yesterday and we had a great time. Even got an unexpected phone call from him after we dropped him off. it completely made my day. I was feeling really sad cos he had to leave and i know i won't be seeing him for a while...but i'll be okay. I'm listing to some bands that are gonna be at x-fest...like Fear Factory, godhead(already seen them in concert..they rock), Stabbing Westward, Cold, Nonpoint, Corrosion of Conformity, and some others...I've also been listening to alot of Spineshank(already seen them in concert but am looking forward to seeing them again), who is becoming my 4th favorite band of all-time..I also can't wait to see Staind..Tho everyone i'm going to x-fest with(my boyfriend, my sister, and my sisters friend tom) have already seen them...But anyway. i'll try and update this as much as i can...I will still however be able to check my mail..so if you want to know whats up with me or anything like that...email me at simply_disturbed@hotmail.com
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