1. Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

2. Do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and wash it all down with a Diet Coke...

3. Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

4. Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

5. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

6. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

7. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

8. Do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You can get dog hair from your belly button.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You got Clapper devices controling the appliances in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called apartments, when they're allstuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Forget about World Peace......Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Hang up and drive!.

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of severalnew members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.

Email: jaholtz@concentric.net