Week 42 1998
Friday, October 16, 1998
Some nice food Can actually make a difference!
And a nice video, such as Titanic, for instance.
* * *
Rather than a writer of various stuff, I tend to have become more of a ponderer lately, say the past 2 years, or so.
I believe it really begun shortly after I got pregnant.
I really felt good from being pregnant.
I didn't suffer from depression that winter, and when I look back it seems like I was more self-confident, and susceptible to good people and ideas, or perhaps I ought to call it qualitative people and ideas, stuff that made me feel good about my self, and to approach any event in a positive way.
I might be seeing it different now than what I did then, and maybe even differently from what things really were, but I honestly don't think so.
Dealing with Jamettiz' illness doesn't seem to have gotten me that down as I suppose it could have, but it has affected me.
Other things in my life have too.
Sometimes I feel sick from having to be so proper, correct and polite, not to mention considerate.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean being considerate necessarily is something wrong, but when it slowly choke what little glow and fire a person have to keep them alive, I don't think it is something to be cherished beyond its actual value.
I feel that is where I'm at, considering "everybody" else to the price of my sanity and joy of living.
It doesn't feel right, but I have an undefinite feeling that if I don't keep it up something horrible will happen to me, and that scares me. I don't want anything terrible to happen to me. It scares me to the point that I rather accept the idea of never feeling pleasure or joy anymore, as long as I'm safe, and that undefinite horrible never happens to me.
In some respect I'm still a child, and all the hypocrisy and inconsistency I experience, and feel like I've experienced all through my life, makes me frustrated and agitated. I feel like a little child left with no guidance, and I don't know how to TRULY act. Not the stuff I'm TAUGHT TO do, but the other stuff, the stuff that isn't just words and acts to say and do to please others, and to keep up an appearance.
The phrase "Follow one's Heart" comes to my mind, but that too is only words.
It gives me no notion of whether it is a good or a bad thing. Neither do I know what it could possibly have to do with me. I've almost given up on heart-stuff. Like there is such a thing as love between adult partners. It's just a teenage idea.
Or if I've only never really experienced it…
Thursday, October 15, 1998
I'm so tired, and I feel confused and trapped.
We all have 24 hours, so I can honestly not say "I don't have time", but that is what it feels like.
I have so many things I feel I should've done long time ago, but when I get the opportunities to do them I don't seem able to seize them...
I feel burned out.
There are so many things I would like to express, but I can't find the words, not even in Swedish.
Or if it would only hurt too much to find them....
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Email: teenah@geocities.com
