[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: You know why we're here? To be out. This is out, and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People--did you ever hear people talking about, "we should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing. We're all out, now. No one is home. Not one person here is home. We're all out! There are people tryin' to find us; they don't know where we are. "Did you ring? I can't find him." "Where did he go?" "He didn't tell me where he was going. He must have gone out." You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There, you're standing around, whatta you do? You go, "We gotta be getting back." Once you're out, you wanna get back. You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling you've gotta go.

[Scene: Pete's Luncheonette]
JERRY: (Observing George's shirt.) Seems to me that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or brakes the shirt. Look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land. You look like you live with your mother.

GEORGE: Are you through?

JERRY: You do, of course, try on when you buy?

GEORGE: Yes, it was purple, I liked it. I don't actually recall considering the buttons.

JERRY: Oh, you don't recall?

GEORGE: (Pantomimes talking into a microphone.) Uh, no, not at this time.

JERRY: Well, Senator, I'd just like to know what you knew, and when you knew it.

(The waitress, Claire, approaches the table.)

CLAIRE: Mister Seinfeld. (Pours Jerry a cup of coffee.) Mister Costanza. (Goes to pour George coffee, but he stops her.)

GEORGE: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator?

CLAIRE: It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...It's very challenging work.

JERRY: (To George.) Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress.

CLAIRE: Trust me George, no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. (Pours the coffee, and then walks away.)

GEORGE: How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow?

JERRY: Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in.

GEORGE: Wait a second, wait a second. What coming in? What woman is coming in?

JERRY: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?

GEORGE: No, you didn't.

JERRY: I thought I told you about it. Yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...(Looks into the milk can sitting on their table.) There's no milk in here, what...?

GEORGE: Wait, wait, wait. What is she, what is she like?

JERRY: Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like, a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better.

GEORGE: So, ya know, what, what happened?

JERRY: Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it was great.

GEORGE: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: This is great!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil, you.

JERRY: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together.

GEORGE: (Whistles.) Ho, ho, ho. "Had to"? "Had to come in"?

JERRY: Yeah, but...

GEORGE: "Had to come in and maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "maybe"?

JERRY: Yeah!

GEORGE: No, no, no. I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman.

JERRY: What? Are you serious? Why, why did she call?

GEORGE: How do I know? Maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite.

JERRY: To be polite? You are insane!

GEORGE: All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?

JERRY: Yes.

GEORGE: You're a back-up. You're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!

JERRY: Oh, I get it. This is about the button.

(Claire passes by the table as George is writing something down on a notepad.)

GEORGE: Claire. Claire, you're a woman, right?

CLAIRE: What gave it away, George?

GEORGE: Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view.

JERRY: Oh, come on, now. What? Are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know?

GEORGE: (To Claire.) Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to come to New York on business...

JERRY: Oh, you are beautiful.

GEORGE: And, and maybe she'll see me when she gets there. Does this woman intend to spend time with me?

CLAIRE: I'd have to say uhh...no.

(George shows his note pad to Jerry, it says "NO".)

GEORGE: (To Claire.) So why did she call?

CLAIRE: To be polite.

GEORGE: To be polite; I rest my case.

(Claire moves off-camera.)

JERRY: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea what you're talking about. Now, come on, come with me. I, I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.

GEORGE: I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.

JERRY: Oh, come on, be a come-with guy.

GEORGE: Come on, I'm tired.

CLAIRE: (Passing by, To Jerry.) Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine. He'll perk up.

GEORGE: Right! I knew I felt something!

(Jerry laughs as Claire walks away with a smile.)

[Scene: Laundry Mat]
GEORGE: (Staring at a dryer.) Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin'...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.

(A man passes by.)

JERRY: Well, look at this guy. Look, he's got everything, he's got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first load.

GEORGE: I need a brake, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...

JERRY: And you didn't even hear how she sounded.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Laura.

GEORGE: I can't believe--we already discussed this!

JERRY: Yeah, but how could you be so sure?

GEORGE: 'Cause it's signals, Jerry. (Snapping his fingers.) It's signals! Don't you...all right, did she even ask you what you were doin' tomorrow night? If you were busy?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry nods.) You don't even know what hotel she's staying at. You can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (Snaps his fingers again.) Signal!

JERRY: Maybe you're right.

GEORGE: Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.

JERRY: This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me. This is unbelievable.

GEORGE: (Puts an arm around Jerry.) I know, I know. (Re: Jerry's laundry.) Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why don't you just see if it's dried?

JERRY: No, no, no. Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it knows what it's doing. Just let it finish.

GEORGE: You're gonna overdry it.

JERRY: You, you can't overdry.

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: Same as you can't overwet. You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die, you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead, and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again. You're already dead. You can't overdie, you can't overdry.

GEORGE: (Turns to the other people in the mat while pointing to Jerry.) Any questions?

JERRY: How could she not tell me where she was staying?

(George secretly opens the dryer door, stopping it. He closes the lid.)

GEORGE: Look at that! They're done! It's a miracle!

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs the underwear, "C'mon babe, let's gather." You come by, you open up the lid and they'll (Imitates clothes stopping). Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape, and they all know it. They know to escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before. "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'...You wait here!" The dryer door swings open, and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road (Shows how the sock is going down the road with his hand). They got buttons sewed on their faces; join the puppet show. (Pauses.) So they're showing me on television the detergents for getting out blood stains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...maybe you oughtta get the harpoon out your chest, first.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: (Answering the phone.) If you know what happened in the Mets game, don't say anything, I taped it. Hello...yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no. (There's a knock at the door.) Yeah?

KESSLER: (Entering.) Are you up?

JERRY: (To Kramer.) Yeah...(Into the phone.) Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem. (Hangs up.)

KESSLER: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?

JERRY: Ohh, what are you doing?! Kessler, it's a tape! I taped the game! It's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.

KESSLER: Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...(Takes two slices of bread from out of his pockets.) You got any meat?

JERRY: Meat? I don't...I don't know, go...hunt. (Kessler walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in the door.) Well what, what happened in the game, anyway?

KESSLER: What happened? Well, they stunk, that's what happened! Ya know, I almost wound up going to that game.

JERRY: Yeah, you almost went to the game...you haven't been out of the building in ten years.

KESSLER: Yeah. (Sits down next to Jerry and starts flipping through a magazine. He spots an article and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look. Kessler stops.) Are you done with this?

JERRY: No.

KESSLER: (Glues the article back with his own saliva and puts magazine on the table.) When you're done, let me know.

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. You can have it tomorrow.

KESSLER: I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.

JERRY: No, it's okay, now. That, that girl is not comin' uh, I misread the whole thing.

KESSLER: You want me to talk to her?

JERRY: I don't think so.

KESSLER: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost a lawyer.

JERRY: That close, huh?

KESSLER: You better believe it.

JERRY: (Answering the phone.) Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.

KESSLER: Give me it. Let me talk to her.

JERRY: (Into the phone.) No believe me, I'm always up at this hour. How are you? Great...sure. What time does the plane get in? I got my friend George to take me.

KESSLER: (Re: The Mets game.) A slide!...Wow!

JERRY: No, it's, it's just my neighbor. Uhm...yeah, I got it. (Takes a pencil and begins to write on an Oaties box.) Ten-fifteen...No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask. Yeah, sure. Okay, great. No, no, it's no trouble at all...I'll see you tomorrow. Great, bye. (Hangs up. To Kessler.) I, I don't believe it. That, that was her. She wants to stay here!

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry and George are carrying a mattress.)

JERRY: If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (Talks like he has a cigarette in his mouth.) "Have you got your end? Your end's got to come down first, easy now, drop it down. Drop it down. Your end's got to come down."

GEORGE: Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy, too?

JERRY: Look, it's a very awkward situation. I, I don't wanna be presumptuous.

GEORGE: All right, all right. One more time, one more time: what was the exact phrasing of the request?

JERRY: All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel room...

GEORGE: A decent hotel room.

JERRY: Yeah, a decent hotel room. Would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place?

GEORGE: You can't be serious. This is New York City! There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms. What do ya need? A flag? (Waves his handkerchief.) This is the signal, Jerry. This is the signal!

JERRY: This is the signal. Thank you, Mister Signal. Where were you yesterday?

GEORGE: I think I was affected by the caffeine. (A dog enters and jumps George.) Ho, ho, ho. Good dog!

(Kessler enters.)

KESSLER: He really likes you, George.

GEORGE: Well, that's flattering.

(The dog, Ralph, runs to the bathroom.)

KESSLER: Oh, he's getting a drink of water. (Re: The mattress.) Is this for that girl?

JERRY: Yeah.

KESSLER: Why even give her an option?

JERRY: This is a person I like, it's not how to score on spring break.

GEORGE: Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked. I'm gonna get a ticket.

JERRY: Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to clean the bathroom.

GEORGE: So what? That's good.

JERRY: Now, how could that be good?

GEORGE: Because filth is good. What do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They, they have a woman comin' over, "I've gotta tidy up?" Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, always do the opposite.

JERRY: This is how you operate?

GEORGE: Yeah, I wish.

JERRY: Let me just wipe the sink.

KRAMER: Why even give her an option for?! (Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door. To George.) It's unbelievable.

GEORGE: Yeah.

KRAMER: How's the real estate business?

GEORGE: It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along. Why? Did you need something?

KRAMER: Do you handle any of that commercial real estate?

GEORGE: Well, I might be getting in to that.

KRAMER: (Slaps George on the arm.) You keep me posted.

GEORGE: I'm aware of you, alright. (To Jerry.) Let's go. (Opens bathroom door.) Let's go! (Jerry and the dog come out.) You're on stage in 25 minutes.

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: The dating world is not a fun world. It's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and ya know, if a woman comes over to my house I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it. I know that. Ya know what they need? Women seem to need a lot of cotton balls. This is the one I'm--always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton balls. We're all human beings. What is the story? I've never had one. I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess." Women need them, and they don't need one or two. They need thousands of them, they need bags. They're like peat moss bags. Have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge, and two days later, they're out; they're gone. The, the bag is empty. Where are the cotton balls, ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see 'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket: there's two of three that look like they've been through some horrible experience...tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock baggy of cotton balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them. I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. "Let's move on." The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. Ya know, "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?".

[Scene: Airport]
JERRY: Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?

GEORGE: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'.

JERRY: Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective. I've gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.

GEORGE: Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.

JERRY: Really? How?

GEORGE: 'Cause it's all in the greeting.

JERRY: Uh-huh.

GEORGE: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: Ya know, anything in the, in the lip-area is good.

JERRY: Lip-area.

GEORGE: Ya know a hug: definitely good.

JERRY: Hug is definitely good.

GEORGE: Sure.

JERRY: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?

GEORGE: That's so brutal, I hate that.

JERRY: Ya know how they do that?

GEORGE: That's why, ya know, a shake is bad.

JERRY: Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

GEORGE: Hand sandwich.

JERRY: Right.

GEORGE: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.

(Laura approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over his eyes.)

LAURA: Guess who.

JERRY: Hey, hey.

LAURA AND JERRY: Heey! (They take each others hands like they're planning to do a folk dance. George is puzzled.)

JERRY: It's good to see you.

LAURA: Hi.

JERRY: This is my friend, George.

LAURA: (Shaking George's hand.) Hi, how nice to meet you.

GEORGE: Hi, how are you?

JERRY: This is Laura.

GEORGE: Laura, sure.

JERRY: (To Laura.) I can't believe you're here.

GEORGE AND JERRY: Oh yeah, the bags, sure.

(They pick up Laura's luggage.)

LAURA: Oh, thank you.

JERRY: Now, that was an interesting greeting. Did you notice that, George?

GEORGE: Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual. I don't know.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: So, uh, what do ya think?

LAURA: Ohh, wow! This place isn't so bad.

JERRY: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road...So uh, make yourself at home. (She sits on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uhh, bread? Water?...Salad-dressing?

LAURA: (Laughs.) Actually, uhm, do you have any wine?

JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do.

LAURA: (Pointing to the lamp.) Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down?

JERRY: Uh, no. Yeah, go right ahead.

LAURA: Uh, Jerry, I was wandering, would it be possible--and if it's not, fine--for me to stay here tomorrow night, too?

JERRY: Uh, yeah, yeah. Sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...what is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you doin' anything?

LAURA: No, I'd love to do something, uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I'm right open.

JERRY: Really? What would you like to do?

LAURA: Well...now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love to go on one of those five hour boat rides around Manhattan.

JERRY: Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. I'm just, I'm really glad you're here. (Answering the phone.) Yeah, hello...yes. Yes, she is, hold on. (To Laura.) Uhm, it's for you.

LAURA: (Takes the phone.) Hello?...Hi!. No, no it was great. Right on time...no, I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow. Yes, yes it's fine. No, we're goin' on a boat ride...don't be silly. I'm not gonna have this conversation...look I, I'll call you tomorrow. Okay, bye. (Hangs up.) Never get engaged.

JERRY: You're engaged?

LAURA: You really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it, and I'm on this emotional rollercoaster.

JERRY: You're engaged?

LAURA: Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of "we". Uh, it's a very stressful situation.

JERRY: You're engaged!

LAURA: Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy.

JERRY: Yeah.

LAURA: You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get on that boat.

JERRY: Me too!

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I, I admit, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want. What do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites: these are the best ideas we've had so far. The car horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. (Imitates horn.) This man is out of ideas. How does it...? (Imitates horn again.) "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. "How are men getting women?", many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization: where ever women are, we have a man working on the situation, right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated when we see women reading articles like, "where to meet men". We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.