From: afarmar@iol.ie

Title: "If Only"
Author: Katherine F.
Disclaimer: Not mine, Mr. Carter, sir.
Spoilers: none.
Archive: yeah, why not? Drop me a line to let me know where.
Summary: A "Noli Me Tangere" vignette: 155 words of wishes and regrets.
Author's Notes: Dasha, consider yourself fed. That little trilogy was
really quite splendid -- and inspiring. Now I have to read "Jitterbug 
Perfume"...
This takes place during roughly the same time period as NMT III: Fear,
and may be considered a companion piece to it. It will make no sense
if you haven't read at least the first two "Noli Me Tangere" stories.


        "If Only"
        by Katherine F.

Sometimes I let my mind wander back in time, to a dusty morning in a 
one-room apartment. I can feel the tears welling up and being soothed
by one who understands the futility of words, the eloquence of touch. I 
can see her leaning towards me, her pupils dilated so that there is only 
a thin band of green around a vortex of black, pulling me in with the 
force of a whirlwind.

On the good days I don't cry, even when she touches me the way I
swore I would never allow myself to be touched. On the good days I can 
last right up to the moment when she left my side.

But after that, what I did is too painful to recall, what I should have 
done too uncertain to hold in my mind, and my memory drowns in "if"'s  
and "if only"'s. I am left with loss and a wordless ache.

[end]