Tonitruant

for Tanya

I didn't wake you up that night
when I lay next to you until morning
watching you sleep or
let my fingers wander
to trace the curves of your ear, to
feel the warmth of your bare shoulder.
I didn't have the courage to stay
after you woke up
to look at the pictures on your dresser
and dig through your bathroom drawers,
but went home to wash
the cigarettes-and-raspberries smell
of your house out of my hair.
I mentioned it to you, but
didn't agonize over what didn't happen
until months later when I was sitting in Biology.
Lightning didn't strike me then, but
a warm flood of wanting
suddenly ran through me,
starting at my toes and floating up.
I wished I hadn't said anything.

tonitruant: thunder-like.