How to Drive like a Freakin' Maniac

Pack your book bag, lunch box, purse, or anything else in which you keep useless personal items (like condoms) and vital personal items (like lip balm). Throw it in the back seat of your car -- the silver BMW you can almost force yourself to fell guilty about driving because you don't even have to pay for gas. Turn the radio on. Back out of the garage, being very careful to hit only the mulch pile, not the trees. Drive past the mailbox and realize that you've forgotten yet again to mail that letter to your best friend who's living in Germany because her mom's a fruitcake.

If it's morning and you're driving to school, stop at the Exxon and buy a $0.62 cappuccino. If it's afternoon and you're just driving around, or on your way to see someone, buy a Parrot Ice, preferably "Jamaica Me Crazy" of "Frosted Lemonade". If it's evening and you really should be getting home soon so that your parents don't freak out, buy an ice cream sandwich. Pay in exact change, but never run out of pennies.

Tailgate minivans all the way to the interstate. Pass them just before you get to the ramp, sticking your tongue out at them.

When you get on the interstate, drive much too fast for even the best weather conditions, but know that you won't die because you have really good brakes and can stop any time you want, even at 90 mph in the rain. Drive in the left lane and pass on the right. Know that everyone hates you when you drive like that, but don't care.

Turn the radio off so that you can sing the commercial jingle that's been stuck in your head for the last four hours. ..just what you're looking for... Sing it twice in an attempt to exorcize the demons of Uptons and hope that they will leave forever. Turn the radio back on and hear the jingle again. Say something not very nice.

Put on each of the four pairs of sunglasses in your car (total cost, $11). Decide to wear the silver ones. Use your shirt to clean them. Don't run into anything.

Think about sex. Worry. Do these jeans make me look fat? Does my prom dress look too much like a wedding gown? What if I marry someone who is allergic to cats? Think about sex. Just how much do my parents know? Am I rushing into this? Decide not to do anything about it. Stop worrying.

Watch the speedometer for a while. Hit 100 mph just because you can. Be glad you don't drive an Oldsmobile. Smirk.

Get mad at America when you have to slow down for construction. Decide to move to Russia, but don't really mean it.

Get mad at the radio when your favorite station says "If the kids don't like it, it must be good." Start to change the station, but change your mind when one of your favorite songs starts playing. Say "Goddammit" a lot. Think about what your mother would say if she heard you. Say "Goddammit" really loudly. If the weather's nice, open the window and yell for a while.

Get mad at the bastard in front of you who has had his left turn signal on for the last three miles. Turn your emergency lights on and off a few times. Say "Goddammit" again, just in case anyone missed it before.

Think about sex.

Have a conversation with someone you talk to a lot, like your boyfriend. Know exactly what he'd say. Be brilliant and witty. Wish you had a tape recorder. Think about sex. Think about going back to your place.

Think you think about sex too much. Decide to stop thinking about it.

Sing along with the radio when it plays Beatles songs. When it plays "I Want to Hold Your Hand," sing along in German. If any of the songs you hear have been covered by Disney, sing the Disney versions. Oh Pumbaa, Pumbaa, stand by me...

Wish you were taller. Wonder what it would be like to be 6'4". Wonder what it would be like to be really, really fat. Wonder what it would be like to have long, blond hair. Wonder what it would be like to be on the receiving end of a blow job. Wonder what it would be like to be blind. Close your eyes. Panic. Open your eyes.

Dig through your purse to find the flavor of lip balm you want. Put it on without looking so that you don't have to take your eyes off the road, then take your time checking it in the rear-view mirror. Brush your hair. Decide you need a haircut. Think about calling your mother to tell her to set up and appointment with Stephanie, your hairdresser.

Realize that you have to pee very badly. Don't think about a glass of water. Don't think about a dripping faucet. Don't think about a mountain stream. Don't think about the ocean. Don't think about Niagara Falls.

Play with the radio. Listen to BBC news on NPR and sit up very straight. Change it back to oldies. Play with the air conditioning. Turn the heated seats on. Turn the heated seats off.

Find a bag of Chee-tos in the pouch behind the passenger seat. Wonder how long they've been there. You've only had your car a few weeks, so open them up and eat them. Lick your fingers. Think about being really, really fat. Check the rear-view mirror to make sure your face isn't orange.

Think about sex.

Miss your exit.