The Sociological Advantages of Interfaith Marriages

My parents got a perfect score singing "California Dreamin" at a Japanese restaurant. this is because karaoke is judged by four factors:

1. The singers' enthusiasm: A strong start is important. If it takes a while to warm up, forget it. To get a high score, sing with a lot of feeling. Pretend to be Elvis if it helps. No one takes off points for dancing (it may even earn you a free sake). The song selected can be important. No one wants to hear folksy stuff, which sounds horrible with the synthesized background music. Beatles songs are always popular. My mother suggested that they sing "Let It Be," instead, but sang along with the Mamas and the Papas anyway. My father sang like his missionary grandparents preached to their international congregations, really meaning every word.

2. The quality of the singers' voices: Here, sweetness is not a virtue. Aerosmith would do well in this area of karaoke scoring. It is possible to do better after having earned a sake or two by dancing (see above). Forget that your larynx will be raw in the morning. Somehow, my mother's angelic soprano voice didn't cost them any points although it is as smooth and sweet as Passover wine.

3. Volume: Screaming not only earns "voice quality" points, it also increases the volume of the song. Yell to make your audience forget that they are eating fish eggs and pickled eel. Bonus points are awarded for waking people in nearby hotels or alleyways (but negative points are awarded for distracting the sushi chef while he is preparing blowfish). Here, once again, my father's past helped him. He can turn any song into gospel (because of his preaching grandparents) or opera (because of years of training, Sundays at the Lutheran church, and an occasional weekend job, just frequent enough for him to buy a tuxedo). My mother never yells because she has no need to; she is much more threatening when her voice becomes a whisper. When we sing Christmas carols, her voice isn't loud enough to reach God, but he can always hear her Hebrew prayers.

4. Harmony: This is only a factor when two or more people are singing. Especially interesting harmonies earn hoots from the onlookers and a few points each. Your goal here is a diminished seventh interval. Barber-shop harmonies earn negative points. My father has spent years trying to perfect a bassline for the prayer we sing ever Hanukah, so this comes naturally to him, and never works as well as he expects it to. My mother only deviates from the melody at the end of the song's last phrase, when her voice rises and octave and my father's drops to an unbelievably low note, blending perfectly.