Have you heard about the man who had nobody to sing with?
He had to find a duet-yourself kit.
Q:How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:None, they can't get that high!
A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After her audition she was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.
"Ah...," the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! He's a real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked her.
"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at her watch and said she had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.
Afterwards the conductor was discussing her with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violininst, because there seemed to be a seriuos credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London!
Famous quote: "I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand, is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?" - Maxwell Smart
Q:George was on the police force for four years. People thought that George would make the town safer. George had solved lots of cases, but never got promoted or even paid. How could this be?
A:George was a police dog!
Q:How long is a goldfish's memory?
A:2 to 3 seconds.
Q: What is the price on the Mad Hatter's hat in Alice in Wonderland?
A: 10 shillings and six pence
Q: Who is the character named Roquefort in the Disney film Aristocats?
A: A mouse
Q: How many kernals of corn are there on the average cob of corn?
A: 800 kernals in 16 rows.
Every day my eighty-year-old grandmother climbs on top of her stove and sings cowboy songs. I find this very embarassing. Should I make her get off the stove?
Of course. Your Grandmother is too old to be riding the range.
My art teacher has assigned me an essay about modern art. What do you call people who make sculptures out of Coca Cola bottles?
Q: Is it ever correct to say ĎI isí?
A: Of course it is. When you say, ĎIí is the ninth letter of the alphabet.
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner - Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her Eldest Daughterís eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "Iím getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! Thatís wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"Iím marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the Eldest Daughterís joy, the Middle Daughter spoke up.
"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middledaughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "Thatís wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"Iím marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the Youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
"Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the Youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesnít come as a shock to you, but I am getting married as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"Iím marrying Richie Benaud!"
"RICHIE BENAUD?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But heís just a common tater!"
Q: My neighbour next door is on a very strange diet. He eats nothing but yeast and shoe polish. What do you suppose is going to happen to him?
A: I presume that each morning he will rise and shine.
Q: I should like to become a professional flute player. What should I do?
A: I think you should find a private tooter.