Hi there everyone. Being the crazy guy I am, I would like to share some jokes with you from my large collection of joke books. I hope you enjoy these. This page will constantly be added to , so keep checking back. :o)
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his vehicle: "I've circled the block for twenty minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here, I'll lose my job. 'Forgive us our trespasses.'"
When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for twenty years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not into temptation.'"
A hunter shot a duck and it fell into the lake. Quickly, he commanded his dog - a dog he had never worked before - to retrieve. The hound ran to the edge of the water, sniffed and walked out onto the waters of the lake. The hunter was amazed. He shot another duck; It, too, fell into the lake. Again the hound walked out on the water to retrieve the duck before it sank. At last, the hunter thought, he had something to show that friend of his who never let anything get to him. The next day, the hunter suggested to his friend that they go do a little duck shooting. His friend shot a duck, and it fell into the lake. The dog walked across the water to retrieve it and drop it at the shooters feet.
The hunter asked his friend, "What do you think of my bird dog? Didn't you notice anything special about my dog?"
"I noticed one thing. He can't swim."
Here are some funny insurance claims:
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I don't have.
I collided with a stationary street car coming the other direction.
The other car collided wwith mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving my car for 40 years hen I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, then vanished.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the enbankment.
You know you are getting old when:
You don't care where your wife goes as long as you don't have to go with her.
You lose your breath opening the telephone directory.
The grandkids come home and tell you what they are studying in history, and you remember studying the same subjects in current events class.
You become exhausted simply by wrestling with your conscience.
You decide procrastination is the best approach to life, but you never get around to it.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head held high because you're trying to get used to your bifocals.
You sit in your rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Vermonter's Guide to Computer Lingo:
Modem: What you did to the hayfields.
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Log On: Making the wood stove hotter.
Hard Drive: Getting home during mud season.
Microchips: What are left in the bag when the big chips are gone.
Download: Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Megahertz: What you get when you're not careful downloading.
(Reader's Digest, August 1997)
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only
by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry
I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing.For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your
shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the
meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward
the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and
snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your
snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc...
in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none...
Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be
faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular
phone.
If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT."
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go," and you still
don't miss her.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor,
or
farm animal.
If you start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy, ya'll."
Some of you may know that I am kinda a clumsy person. The other day at work, I had a near
accident that I think you all would like. I had to go down to what they
call the dust room and clean a thick pile of dust off the floor. In fact,
it was so thick, it covered the bottom step. ;o) Now, when I get to the
bottom step of a staircase, for some strange reason I always take a BIG
step off the bottom step. So, I walked down to what I THOUGHT was the
bottom step. I took a giant step off the "bottom" step, and that's when I
realized there was another step there. Luckily I didn't fall or get hurt,
but it was kinda embarrassing, but no one saw me. I am also famous for
banging my head on things. When I first met my good friend Steve, and
visited his home, I didn't realize he had a hanging lamp over his kitchen
table. So, I would be walking along not watching where I was going, and
WHAM! That lamp would knock me upside the head. That got my attention! It
took me several times before I realized it was there. LOL Talk about
embarrassment.
Now I want to share another story with you about not watching where I am
going. In the recent past, I strayed away from God, and took my eyes off
him, I guess you could call that not watching where I am going. I was
doing good for a while, no problems, no hardships or anything. But, God
got my attention one day! He took my job away from me. If you have no job,
that means no income, and eventually you run out of money. Well, I
eventually DID run out of money. I had been looking for a job, but I left
God out of it. I went where I wanted to go, and I couldn't get a job....
One day the preacher preached a message about the power of prayer. He said
that when we pray and don't see results, its because we aren't praying
with the faith that we believe we will see results. I then realized that I
CAN'T make it in life without God. I prayed a real heart felt prayer that
day, and turned everything back over to God. 2 days later I was out
looking for a job, and He told me to try a plant in town, so I stopped by.
I was hired on the spot, and started a week later. I was able to get
enough money to pay my bills.... I could go on all day about what God has
done for me, but thats not the issue here. Some of you reading this may
have strayed away from God just like I did, and may be thinking that
everything is okay. You may be living in sin now just like I was, and
really enjoying yourself. One day, God is going to do something to get
your attention. He may take away the things you care for the most. Some
how he will get your attention. If you have walked away from Him, now is
the time to turn back. Don't wait till its too late. If you have been
touched by this message, and need to talk to someone about it, or just
want me to pray for you, please email me and let me know. I will be happy
to help. The song I chose is one I feel is very appropriate for
what I had to say today. DCtalk "The Hard Way"
Some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I'm the kinda guy that has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway, father
I'm on my knees and I'm crying for help
Now I've been high and I've been low
I've been some places that you will not go
I never thought there would come the day
When I wished I never would have lived this way
But I've been searching for a long, long time
I thought the devil was a friend of mine
I turned my back on everything that was true
And wasted years that belonged to you
Some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I'm the kinda guy that has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway, father
I'm on my knees and I'm crying for help
It took so long for me to see
That I'm a victim of nature and me
Left to myself I realize
I am the maker of my own demise
But you accept me every time and again
And never mention just how selfish I've been
Why must it always take me so long to see
That I have fallen but you will forgive me
Some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I'm the kinda guy that has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway, father
I'm on my knees and I'm crying for help
The warning signs are like flares in the night
Still I proceed my greed is in spite
Of the fire that I know that's bound to burn
Why is it that I always gotta learn
The hardway
The hardway
I had to learn the hardway
The hardway
The hardway
I had to learn the hardway