Mood:  not sure

Originally posted on Feburary 9th, 2004

Haven't written in a few days, simply because I was preparing myself to recover so I wouldn't break down when I began writing my thoughts down.

Mike and I once again have not been intimate, but I'm getting used to that now, but I hope I don't get so used to it that I quit trying to have sex altogether.
No, my blow that I write today, is all my wedding planning has been a waste of time. I found out that if I marry Mike I loose my SSI and medical insurance. Defeated and utterly depressed I agreed to postpone the wedding for yet another year.

My fear is that a year will go by and he will yet again want to wait another year. However, I love him and will be patient. He says he wants to handle his debts now so when we get married he can handle paying the extra money my check provided. If it's not enough..I may have to work. He said he would do extra research for good insurance so I could possibly keep my doctors.

I just have to keep the faith and hope that he truly means what he says.

Role-play is dead. The campaign is at an utter standstill, if I didn't post on the board or add anything, nothing would be going on. However I did manage to get Mike to play something with me last night, I think he enjoyed it, I hope he did.

Today I finally wrote letters to say I wasn't getting married, each letter hurt, but I did it, now I just feel numb, all Mike informed was his mom, to which she hasn't responded. I dunno, I know it's silly but my first reaction was he didn't care, but I know that's not true.

I love him so much, I just wish I felt better about our decision and not feel like it was more his than mine.

I've been hurt and I need to stop pushing him away before I mess things up permanently.