Mood:  crushed out

Originally posted on November 13th, 2003

Sitting here playing Double Solitaire and loosing. What fun... The gaming Message Board is going slow but at least it's populated now.

Mike at least seems in a better mood, but it will probably shift again when he gets home. I know he's homesick I just wish he'd quit taking every little thing and blow it out of proportion and then yell at me. Lately he's implying I'm useless and stupid, like he's great to live with as of late? I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but even that he throws in my face. I can tell he's trying not to at times, but what am I to do. I can't drive, I can't clean the house and even I try to help he says it does no good.
He always works the money is good but he's so tired and unmotivated, he never wants to do much when he gets home. Instead he either sleeps or works on the website. So what the damn site needs to be worked on! Is it more important than our relationship? I need him, I miss him. I try to be affectionate, stroking his arm, kissing his nose, holding his hand, he returns it ever so slightly, with a kiss back, a stroke, a squeeze a smile and a "hi babe" but he's missing my signals for intimacy.
Even if I verbally address it, usually at night before bed, he says he feels the same. Sex is supposed to relieve tension, but he always says stress puts him out of the mood,even on his days off he's so restless and snappish. I can't help but think he no longer wants me, that he wants me gone but doesn't want to say so. I have fleeting thoughts there is someone else, but my love and trust in him push that away.

He's homesick..it's understandable, I was too when with him in PA and I have been supportive, very much so despite him being unaware of some things. I planned for Dave to visit, it really helped him, I went with him to Neil's wedding in PA even though I was on my cycle and sick to boot. I went camping with him and had a decent time despite me hating camp life. I even asked Dave to send think of ways to help..and he responded with sending D&D stuff through snail mail so Mike got something besides bills for a change. I even went so far as to talk to his mom and discuss calling him once in a while. She did and he brightened right up.
I guess it's not enough, he needs to see them but can't really get off work to do so. He's a mail man with long hours working six days a week. He talks to some of his friends on line, so why is he pushing me away? Why is everything my fault? Why is whatever I do lately never good enough?

He is not a good communicator, and he is good at expressing sarcasm, humor and anger as emotions but others he doesn't show well or at all, so I'm having a hard time doing anything with him such as being affectionate, being intimate, spending time with him, cause I know he'll blow up on me.

I'm trying to be less demanding, and spiteful but his anger is hurtful and he's has gotten into such an emotional shut down that he's not giving me much to work on. I've been tying to be understanding and calm and sometimes I succeed, in which he'll calm down and act like nothing happened but I feel so bad afterwords.

I love him and I want this relationship to work. I want to marry him, I want to be the mother of his children. I hope he can go home soon, he truly needs it and maybe he'll miss what he has here in me. What if it makes it worse though? That's my fear but I have to let him go and let him make his own choices. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so they say. I know it does for me, always when we are apart over long dist aces like that, I yearn for him and can't wait to get back to him. I want him happy and if he's happier back home I will let him go, and see if I can help him transfer back there. I will go back with him if he wants me too. If not I will try to deal with that.

I pray he's not turning our love into a mission of obligation......