Blaine Tuttle
Well, I guess I should say what time frame all of this was happening in. I was in eigth grade. Sebastian and I were having a party at his house and we were in Central Park looking for dates. I remember everything about that day. He was wearing a khaki jacket, some black pants and a green sweater. Brown shoes. Leather belt. His hair was perfect. He had been talking this girl up, got her number, they walked off together, probably going up her shirt. He left me to fend for myself with her zit-scarred friend, Alyson. She talked about band, boys, and Winter Formal. I wanted to blow my brains out. I need some cocaine I thought. I'd never tried drugs up until around that time...it was a big cornerstone in molding who I am today. Back to Zit-zilla. She continued to blab on and on about God knows what, when finally Sebastian came back. Yeah, he went up her shirt, I knew it. I wanted to attack her right there. She was so beneath him. We said goodbye to the girls and started walking back to his townhouse.
"So, get her number?" he asked with a coy smile on his face. "No...I didn't." I looked down, this had been a long time coming, I was going to tell him...tell him everything. "Are you kidding? I know she's not the hottest thing in the world, but she's at least a good brown-bag fuck. I mean, her face is ehh...but her tits are-" "Sebastian, I think I'm gay...I mean..." He looked at me with growing intesity...it's as if everything stopped and was silent around us. The horns that were blaring died down, all of the talking was gone, it was just us...there...just us. "I mean...I know...I know that I'm gay." "Uh-huh...I see." He was obviously flabbergasted, but didn't seem too surprised. "Well...alright then, it explains a lot. Anyways, I'm thinking.." His voice trailed off, all of the noise came back...that was Sebastian for you. Huge things in someone else's life were minor things in his, a pro and a con...depending on how one looks at it. Actually, I'm surprised he didn't freak out and cut me loose. So I guess it's a pro.
All that week, I kept thinking about cocaine, hash, heroin, weed, ecstacy, and all the other drugs you could think of. I don't know why, but I was fascinated with them. Sort of an obession. I began reading up on how each drug effects you, how many doses you should take, pricing and things like that. I stole my fathers case-book, before he became a judge, and saw some clients that were drug dealers. I called one up and we arranged a meeting. He was Latino. Very scary looking. I'm surprised I lived through it. We met in an ally behind Bebe's strip club. I felt like I was in a Ninja Turtles movie, the steam pouring from the sewers and such. Anyways, we began to trade cash for drugs on a weekly basis, and soon it was daily. I couldn't get enough. Then I started to talk to him about being a middleman, I would deal to kids at school, he would supply, and I'd take 30 percent, he'd take 70. It was a deal. Soon, I became THE drug dealer at Manchester. It was only my freshman year! Anyways, Yancey, my supplier, died of a heroin overdose, apparently, he put it through it toes...it was weird. I eventually began to meet with some of his cartels and I was no longer a middle-man. I was respected. I was powerful. I was rich. I was a virgin.
December 24, 2000.
It was my first Christmas break of high school. I was at this kid, Victor Sossymon's party. He was a football jock, one of my best customers. I had been fantasizing about him for quite a while. He soon replaced Sebastian in my dreams as my fuck-buddy. God, he was gorgeous. We had been talking it up at the party, then, in a sad attempt at a dance song, the Cher song came on. "Man, I love this song!" he told me. 'Gay song' I thought, ' a very gay song.' He kept talking to me about fucking Marci Greenbaum in the ass last week. Why, I don't know because everyone knows Marci Greenbaum doesn't put out, at least anal. Desperate to break the conversation I yelped out "Do you have any E?" Evan Sigmon was also in our small group, "That shit will fuck up your spinal fluid." "Well nobody asked you did they?" I rolled my eyes. The only reason I could talk smack to the football players was because I dealt to them. They were all under my thumb. "Well, I have some in my room, you game Blaine?" I nodded. Everyone else said they'd rather not and Victor and I headed upstairs. We went into his room. Stereotypical football ornaments hung about his room. Jerseys, banners, flyers, footballs, autographs, all bullshit. Whatever, I didn't care about this shit. I just wanted some ecstacy then I was done...well, not completley done. A few minutes later, with eyes barley open, "I can feel it goin through me" Victor said. "Yeah...me too." I replied. Actually, I had held the pill under my tounge and spit it out when he wasn't looking. I dealt it to him, I knew it wasn't that great. I came over and sat next to him. He looked over at me, fondling the tip of his football like it was some girls breast. I looked him over...his lamp was illuminating his face. I rubbed my hand on his stomach and he smiled. I went in for it and started to kiss him. He obliged at first, ran his hand through my hair, then threw me off the bed. "Jesus Christ! I'm not a fag! You mother-" "Sorry, I thought you were gay!" "Screw you!" "Are you sure? I detected some fag about you." I smiled and he kicked me. "You stupid fucker!" he yelled. I got up. I pushed him back off of me onto his bed. I guess this turned him on, he pulled me on his bed and gave me a hummer for about 30 minutes. I'm surprised I held out that long, after all it was my first time. Then he screwed me for about 25. It hurt...just small sharp pains at first...then, it was like an adrenaline rush. He kept moaning. I was on my back and I put my hand on his face to keep from looking at it. I imagined it was Sebastian. Ohh, yeah...yeah...don't stop don't stop. He stopped. He came in me and quickly pulled out. "You can get out now." I bit my lip, closed my eyes and got up. I got dressed. I headed for the door. He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. "Listen cocksucker, I'm not like you. I ain't gay, so don't go blabbing and bragging to your girlfriends about me. Got it?" I nodded and left. I lit up a ciggerete and began to think about the events that just unfolded in that bedroom. I just had my first gay sexual encounter. With an extremely hot guy. Although, he said I couldn't talk about it. Of course I'll tell Sebastian, but nobody else, I'm not a gossip...
A few months later, Victor had an affair with a friend of mine. Within a year, he was full-blown queen and said I couldn't get it up. Moron.
Sometimes I wonder what I do with my life. It's like I lack any depth or thought sometimes, or maybe it's just me enviornment. Maybe I'm lacking forward momemtum because nobody will let me have it. Sometimes even I can't believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth.
-Blaine Tuttle-