My Journal
I sit back in my chair today, watching the cheetachat screen scroll by. People playing around, talking to each other, I constantly laugh at EJ's bisexual antics. But as I look deeper into myself, I feel amounts of pains, emotional and mental pain. It cannot be described. It aches every second of the day, but I do not scar my flesh, cut deep in with a knife. I accept the pain. I do not shed a tear, I accept it all. Life - is the greatest torture technique devised. To make me go in to this world day in and day out, to feel this eternal pain burning and tearing my emotional body asunder. My eyes burn my heart burns and my soul is torn and battered. Dreams have long been shattered, like a pane of glass. Each shard resembling a part of me, swept away into a void of nothingness, into a eternal land of hurt. I sit watching the days go by, feeling this pain. I look outside, to see a fantasy world, that many dwell in. They think everything is fine, but hope and everything nice is a falsehood. The tides of reality will sweep these people away and kill them. I myself have been hardened, and am wise beyond me years. The internet itself has taught me the most about life, the dilemma's people have. But having my dreams shattered early on in my life might have been the most crucial point, it awoke me, before I got too deep into life to realise how horrible and how hurtful it really is. Some people think goth's are sick, I think they are smart and wise, besides cutting themselves up. I understand it is there addiction, but what is my addiction? I am addicted to draining my self-esteem away. My Energy is not there. I have no hopes, no dreams. I have intelligence and wisdom, and that is all. I have no looks, no people or social qualities. I am me, I have been told on the outside I look like a skater, but inside I am a goth trying to get out. But none of it is true, I will not be a part of some stereotype. I am my own person. Now as I look back, into years long past, I remember my sister feeding me a plumb seed, I survived. I could have choked to death, and now I look at it and see, if I did choke and die would it have been less painful then to go through life feeling this eternal pain?
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So..I had some nice talk with Gavin today. We are one in the same when it comes to this 'plague' we call 'emotions.' This thing we call love is a double edged knife. It has a good side and a bad side..Love and Lust. God's emotion, and Satan's tool. It is something that plagues you, and when you want it so bad it just eats you up internally before devouring your body externally, rather it be by your hands or just lack of control. I can handle this I know, but for how long will I feel this torture? I cannot know this, I will never learn this. So I endure this pain and suffering..and for what? To be some goddamned stain..to be nothing just because 'god' intended it to be so? This is the equasion Me and Gavin came up with Love = Cruelty. Love = Torment upon the tender soul. How true that is..It is cruel how it twists you up inside and unravells you into some broken shell...and broken husk..It is so tormenting yet we need it so, it is something you cannot live without. Yet everyone now adays seems to have someone special, so what is left for me..? Nothing..No one wants me and I have to learn to respect this..I will probably end up alone for the rest of my life..well atleast I will have a long time to endure this and to expect this inevitable fate to take place. I am lost in the whims of lust, I lust to be loved by another, not by the loving touch of a mother but something more intimate then that..not a mother-son bond but that of a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend.. Me and Gavin alike wonder why no one likes us..But it is beyond us.. I mean what the fuck more do you want? I try to be funny - and they laugh. I try to be intelligent - And I am commented on it. I'm sorry if the fucking world is shallow and they only base a guy on their appearances..sure fuck I might not have big muscles..but why the hell should that matter. Gavin: If your not fit, don't smoke or get stoned or pissed, or like football. Your an instant outcast. Me: That's not the case here..I'm fit..I just don't have big muscles on my arms..I'm okay at basketball..but I'm not great..So fuck I'm gone, I'm out of this race..WHY SHOULD A PERSON BE JUDGED ON THEIR ATHLETICISM IN A SPORT. Fuck if Hockey was the case..All the girls would want me.Fuck this shit hole called earth and life.I mean fuck it all to hell.. you have all this talent..BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY TO PUT THAT TALENT TO USE. What kind of hell of torture is this.?
So I ask you...
What kind of torture is this...This lust..this torment called broken dreams..?
