Yuki-chan's Ramblings

Saturday, September 27

 
Drifting.

That's a good word to use, even better, when the term "away" is added at the end, it applies even further. I don't know how much more of this I'll be able to withstand. I'm scared to do anything about it since there's so much to lose, but part of me wonders if it'd be for the better. Things aren't going anywhere, and if they ARE going somewhere, then it's with a positive velocity but a negative acceleration. I'd say things are going backward, but things were better back then, and that's not how they are. I'm pretty sure this only makes sense to me right now, all of this writing without the mention of a specific subject. But maybe certain people can decode it to figure out what it actually is talking about. It's not saying anything specific, merely...bringing up the subject. If things don't get better then...I don't know what's going to happen. We'll just have to see, I guess.

~Yuki-chan
Yuki 9/27/2003 10:03:02 PM

Sunday, September 14

 
Everyone says things without thinking about the consequences of their words. These consequences may be good or bad, and the person that determines the fate of this decision is the person to whom the words were delivered. Perhaps if the listener knows the speaker well enough, he or she may pick up that a certain phrase, spoken in haste, was delivered without thought, and the listener is able to control his or her reaction to accommodate the disarrayed emotions of the speaker. However, if the listener is not familiar with the actions of the speaker, or the speaker says something out of the ordinary, the listener may act off of his or her own emotions and thus deliver consequences that are unfavorable to the speaker.

There is also a third scenario, which those who are often concerned with the emotions of others are all too familiar with. In this, the deliverer tells the person he or she is conversing with that he or she wishes for something to be carried out, convinced that it is for the benefit of the person listening. The speaker predetermined well beforehand that what he or she was going to say was exactly what the listener wanted to hear. So the listener carries out the task, which was in his or her favor to begin with, while the speaker remains “behind,” since the requested task required the listener to leave. The speaker sits back and waits, utilizing this time to try and convince him or herself that what happened was the right thing to have happened, and it was for the reassurance of the listener’s happiness.

Yet, it isn’t until that person is gone for a certain length of time that the speaker begins to consider and question what he or she said. Emotions arise that the speaker “wasn’t aware of” earlier. Feelings such as sadness, loneliness, guilt, and anxiety try to break through the surface—a barrier that was formed by the concrete belief that the other person’s happiness should be put above his or her own. Thus, as the speaker begins to lose him or herself to the mentally binding effects of a lost and confused heart, he or she remains convinced that the cause is something he or she did, and not something that someone else did. Is it selfish for this person to question what he or she said earlier and even want to take back their words, or should the speaker stick with what was said, even if it appears that the task dealt out that upheld the listener’s happiness might possibly lead to the mental downfall of the neglected speaker?
Yuki 9/14/2003 01:15:47 PM

Thursday, August 28

 
The follow-up.

Don't worry, Ryu-kun. I, just like everything else, will be okay. I'm not "messed up" now because you were "being an idiot." Those were the kinds of things that just couldn't be avoided (those "things" being the topics of discussion), and it was better that we talked about them, otherwise the outcome could've been worse. I hope you weren't beating yourself up over it last night...that's not what I intended to happen. Given I probably knew something like it would happen subconsciously, that's not what I want to happen, since you know I don't like it at all when you hurt yourself. I probably just brought on my own downfall. I shouldn't have even mentioned that I wrote all of that because I knew it'd have a negative effect on you...but that's me being selfish again. I wasn't necessarily basing everything last night off of the one chick you mentioned, but I was more thinking down the road as opposed to post-immediately. So it wasn't because of your "stupidity" from mentioning some girl you talked to, it was my stupidity for looking into it too far. I guess I just got scared. Losing you is the last thing I want because...you're the thing most important to me right now. I know, school is important to me as well, but you could be a genius and have millions of dollars from your career, but if you don't have love then it's just not worth it.

Conclusion? I'm putting all of this behind me to the best of my ability and you should, too. I know both of us have so much going for us, and if you don't let it, nothing should get in the way. I know what I said all last night really did nothing for the state you're in...and I apologize for that. I didn't write it to hurt you, I wrote it just to get all of my thoughts out. And it wasn't you that brought it on, so please don't think that. The message that I WANTED you to get out of the blog was that I want you to be happy, so I hope at least that much made you smile. And maybe it will now, knowing that I wrote it with your best interests in mind, simply because I love you that much. Not sure what to think of it? Maybe because you can't think of the last time someone put your best interests before their own? I'd say I couldn't think of the last time someone did that for me, and yet I'm sure you do it all the time and I just don't notice it. No, there's no hidden message here, and this isn't another of my facades. I mean ever word of this and not ill-mindedly, you have to understand. The goal in writing THIS one is to help make you feel better. All I want is for you to smile for me. Of course, anyone can smile, but I want you to do it and mean it. Maybe you can't do that now, maybe not until your depression's gone if that's even possible, and it probably won't happen as long as you have these issues with your family...but that's my goal. Even if I can't be the one that is the cause of it, I'm bound and determined to see that it happens sometime between now and the day I die.

Just remember: I love you, and I always will no matter what.

~Yuki-chan

I'll be okay...but will you be? Please don't do anything you'll end up regretting, and you know what my standards are that could end up jeopardizing things. And the last thing I need is my boyfriend sent to Jail For Juvies because he let himself get carried away. Think before you act...that's all I can ask.

Yuki 8/28/2003 10:01:28 PM

Wednesday, August 27

 
NOTE: If you're in a good mood, read at your own risk, and be aware that this is like, the mother of all blog posts. If you're in a bad mood...I really don't suggest reading this just now.

Song for right now: Trace Adkins - Help Me Understand.

Wow, it's been quite some time since I've written in this thing. I'm surprised my account was still active since it's been over 6 months since some things shut down if you don't use them for six months (like my checking account that I should probably look into...). I may be writing in this more often now since I probably won't get to talk to Ryu-kun as much now that school's starting. However, I felt like I needed to write in it now or else these thoughts were never going to get out, and they'd drive me insane during the night.

I'm guessing Ryu-kun won't read this until some time WAY down the road, since it wouldn't occur to him to check it since I haven't used it since January. And who knows where things will be when that time rolls around. Hopefully not the place they were looking to go by looking at tonight's conversation. I know I probably should've said these things tonight, but Ryu-kun seemed worried enough about other things that I didn't want him have to worry about this. That's where facades come in! Quite handy they can be.

But to get down to what I've been eluding. A bit of background info, Ryu-kun recently started his freshie year and of course, since he's such a popular guy! the girls have been "hitting on him" quite a bit, it seems. Now I mean hey, I'm happy for him! I'd probably pay good money to have a guy at school even look at me, hah...well, maybe not, since the guys at my school aren't worth the money. But anyway. That wasn't so much what got to me. It was moreso when he started going on about what to do if a girl asked him out. Though I'm glad he brought it up because we got to discuss it a bit, though of course in reaching some sort of agreement it was out of consideration for his happiness. I wouldn't have it any other way because he's had it not too easy thus far, even to the point where he needs medication to feel happy, which is a point I think no one should have to reach. And no, I wasn't doing this out of "pity"; it was because I love him.

They say sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go, which I never really understood in the first place, but now I guess I do. You just want them to be happy, and if the only way for that to happen is to let them go for, say, another person, then that's the way things have to be. His words were that if he got hooked up with a chick from school, he and I would be "put on hold" for a while. But I mean...is there such a thing? Things probably wouldn't be the same afterward, given it's never happened before. He was with Jenn before he was with me, so there wasn't any sort of "off time" between us during that time period. He said he'd get to know the girl first, which is a good thing to do, but then if he started liking the girl more...Of course, I'd understand, because she'd actually be able to be there with him, and go places with him, and do all of the things boyfriends and girlfriends SHOULD do together, and that he and I just can't. Which is another thing that upsets me. A long-distance relationship is just so hard to keep up because you can't call nearly as often as you'd like, you can't do anything with them, can't even see them...it's almost like some sort of cruel punishment to live like, hundreds of miles away from this person you love. Besides, even if I got my license, I couldn't drive down there since I wouldn't have a car, let alone money for gas, and school would get in the way. And my parents wouldn't let me go to another state alone as it is. Maybe I'll be able to pull it off next summer since I'll be 18 and they legally can't do anything about it...but I'm not one to disobey my parents as it is.

Either way, getting to the core reason I started writing this...I guess I'm just worried about losing him. If he DOES find someone that he just, loves to no end, then I'll have no choice but to be happy for him because it'd be wrong to drag him down and drown him in guilt for leaving me. I don't own him, so I can't make him do the things I want him to do, whether he says I "can" or not. It'd just be selfish of me to keep him to myself when it's not like I can make him sign some sort of contract guarenteeing this relationship to last. I mean, I'm only 17, so I can't have expected to find the person I'll be with the rest of my life now; that'd just be foolish. It'd be nice to have that sense of security, but even so...I'll admit right now that I've had my doubts, and Ryu-kun knows this since I've rambled on about them a few times. But now that I actually sit and think about it, I know that he needs someone to be there with him that can give him the sort of attention he needs, and that's something I just can't do in the position that I'm in, so maybe someone there would be best for him...Of course, it's not like I'd give him up willingly if some girl from his school came along and caught his interest. Anyone that's in a relationship usually feels some sort of possession over the person they're with, hence why guys are usually so protective. But I mean, Nick's told me time and time again that it makes him sad that I can't be there with him, and knowing that this is true and there's nothing I can do about it...

I just remember that he was so happy when he was with Jenn, and it was because he got to spend time with her. Tonight he told me, "The only reason I probably WOULD agree to date some other chick was just 'cause I could get hugged and whatnot." So I have it on the record, word for word. It may seem like a minor thing, but when you've been with someone this long, it's a major part of the relationship that you really need, and it can even get to the point that anyone who offers it to you makes it look like a pretty good offer. I mean, I don't want to lose him, that's the last thing I'd want to happen. Actually, I'd never want it to happen. But it just seems like I'm holding him back from getting into a relationship that he could get so much more out of, other than just being able to talk to them over the internet and the phone occasionally. I just...I don't know...I want him to be happy, and he says that I make him happy, but how can I believe that when this relationship lacks everything all other relationships have? I can't give him everything that he needs and that's what upsets me the most. Because that means that some girl out there is far more eligible than I am.

I hate to keep comparing like this, but if he can be with his last girlfriend for only a few weeks and think she was the greatest thing since sliced bread and "worship the ground she walks on" according to Lance, but then at the mention of her name respond, "Jenn who? I know not of who you speak. Oo;" I don't even know what it'd be like in the aftermath if I go. He says he wouldn't have the "courage" to dump me, but I'd probably end up doing something utterly stupid like goading him into telling him it's the right thing to do, and he should do what makes him happy. I DO want him happy, but this is me being selfish. Even so it's like...what sane girlfriend would want to willingly give up their boyfriend, even if his happiness was at stake? See, look at me. This boy gets happiness from a bottle of meds and I'm worried about MY happiness. I'm really not as nice as he thinks I am...I'd like to think I was another Mother Theresa and helped the poor at every chance I got, but I only seem nice because that's the only emotion I usually let show. I know everyone has enough problems of their own, so why should they be obligated to deal with mine as well. Given that I show more emotion than just "nice" to Nick, but that's just because I really only put up a facade, or at least I try to, for the people I'm not very close to.

I also feel rather tied to him...since he's mentioned a number of times that if anything were to ever happen to me or us, he'd just end up killing himself, and that's the last thing I need to happen. But I guess what I'm hoping is that if he found someone else...he'd be happy with her so I wouldn't have to worry about him doing anything reckless like that. But the whole "putting on hold" thing I'm somewhat sketchy about. That's what I did for my last boyfriend, a number of times, and it nearly ended up killing me (not literally, but mentally). I know Nick's not like that, not in the least bit, but I don't know if I'd just be able to sit on the sidelines and wait to see what came of his wonderful relationship with his New Yuki-chan *cringe* since it'd be unpredictable. And what would I do if he did end up coming back? I'd probably take him back no doubt because I didn't want him to leave in the first place. I can't really ask what would happen to me because I'd just go back to being how I always was. One of the girls in school who the guys still wouldn't give a second, or even a first glance at, but hey, I'm used to it and have been used to it. It's just too bad because of all the dances I'd be able to go to this year, but probably won't. While at the same time, all of my friends will have, I'd hate to use this term, "real boyfriends," while I'd be rather lacking. And I say real in the sense that they actually get to be with them and do things with them.

I'll gladly call Ryu-kun my boyfriend, but it's just not the same as having one that you can see every day, and call whenever you want to. I mean, I can't even call him if I had some sort of problem at like, 2 in the morning because he'd get in trouble with his parents. Hell, I don't even have any friends I can do that with, and I'll be damned before I talk to my parents about any sort of thing like that. I suppose I COULD call Dan...but I know he's been having sleeping problems so I wouldn't want to wake him up in the first place. My mom said that if someone's your best friend, you know they'll be there for you and won't mind you calling at two in the morning, but I guess I'm just too worried about making anyone upset with me that I just keep it to myself. Because I could just see one of my "friends" saying something like "Yeah, so Austine called me really early this morning to bitch at me about some problem she was having and I ended up only getting like, 4 hours of sleep before I had to get up for work" or something along those lines. And there's Suki-chan...but her and I have kinda grown distant, and I probably consider us closer than she does because we don't hang out very much anymore...but who knows.

I can't expect Nick to know what he needs in order to be happy, and I can't expect myself to be able to give everything to him...but I do the latter anyway. I'll admit, having a semi-depressed boyfriend isn't easy, but if he says he needs me, then that's all I can really do until he tells me he just...doesn't need me anymore. And if he finds some other girl, gets to know her, and thinks that she's better than me and he decides to get rid of me, then the only thing I can do is hope she does a better job than I did, since there wasn't much I could do in the first place. Saying things from the way they really are is hard, but I did it the way I did earlier when talking to him because I didn't want him to worry. He was confused and worried enough, and if he knew how things were really going inside my head, he'd probably flip his lid and slip into some sort of depressed, irreversible state that I wouldn't be able to help him out of since he'd have to go because of school.

I'm writing all of this like it's some sort of huge omen and all of this is inevitable, but I guess thinking of it this way is helping me to deal with it better. Of course, I ALSO wrote it like the main idea was "if Nick finds some new girl that he likes then I'll be Pro him-and-her." But I suppose that's true. Because I really do love him, and I mean that, and if the only way he can be happy is with someone that's not me, then that's the way it has to be. Again, I don't say that as easily as it seems. It's like, I want it, but I don't. I want him to be happy, but I'd never want to give him up for another girl. Because I mean...he's my Ryu-kun, and has been for over a year now! He's just been such a nice boyfriend, and I know I probably haven't been nearly as nice in return. Maybe he just deserves someone who's nicer than I am. I don't know. I lost myself, and my train of thought quite some time ago. I'm glad I have this, because then I don't have to worry about directly troubling Ryu-kun with all of this. I know he's going to read it, but...I don't know. I don't even know what I want him to think after reading it. I know in his blog he said he wanted me to feel guilty so I'd spend more time with him, but also enjoy myself at tennis...but even so, I know there were days when conversation was wasted with empty space, and it's those days that I just kill myself over. Too many times have I taken things for granted, and I didn't end up missing them until they were taken from me, but I refuse to let that happen this time. But even if I do turn myself into the most wonderful girlfriend on the planet, that wouldn't necessarily stop him from going out with some chick from school. All I can do is take it as it comes, even if it ends up being a win-lose situation. But as long as Ryu-kun's happy...then whatever outcome happens to occur will be just fine. As long as he's happy. That's all that matters.

~Yuki-chan


"I wish you the best, and I wish you nothing less
Than everything you've ever dreamed of,
And I hope that you find love along the way.
But most of all...
...I wish you'd stay."

--Brad Paisley - I Wish You'd Stay
Yuki 8/27/2003 11:52:38 PM

Wednesday, January 22

 
WARNING: CRAZY-LONG POST AHEAD! You have been warned.

Dude! I just got the most wickedest ("wickedest"...we's are good at speeching English...) for a story! Yeah yeah I know, I'm kinda being a hypocrite. But I was looking back on one of the old files you wrote (when you didn't have the internet for that ungodly long amount of time, like weeks and weeks and I nearly went insane). Well, one of the titles (or part of it) had Xion on it, and I knew that was the evil guy. And I thought that'd be nifty if we named a series after the evil guy, but the evil guy wasn't the main character, so that didn't really do justice for my interpretation. HOWEVER, lo and behold I thought up a new brilliant idea! The first was, I should probably be doing my math homework that's due on Friday, but I figured that I have "other obligations" *cough* >>;;

Yes'm...but then, my OTHER idea! Was derived this way. I analyzed the bulk of all 80 million of our RPs and I realized that they generally have the same plot. Good guys vs. bad guys, good guys kill bad guys, everything's peachy, and the main-main characters are the good guys, because that's how typical plots are. So I started playing around with that. And I concluded! That it would be super spifftacular if we took one of our stories and twisted it around to be from the evil people's point of view! Like, it follows the same storyline and everything, and everything happens the same, only it's from the evil people's perspective.

Okay, so right now the only RP this really works with this idea is Lost Hope because that's the only story where we have both male and female baddies. I don't know if this would be so much an RP thing as a...type-it-up-into-one-big-story-without-actually-RPing-it thing. Because it'd be like redundant RPing, but meh. See, because as of right now you focus on like, what Rhett's thoughts are, and Ryr's and I do the same thing only with Lily, while the bad characters more only have physical personalities instead of mental personalities. So with the idea that I came up with, the roles would be switched, and the primary characters would be the bad guys! I.E. Syra and Daithi. And see, since Syra worked for Daithi, it'd all be good! And we could start it like, back before Lily and Rhett met, or just when they met, but the primary idea is that you focus on the evil side of the story. So it'll be the same general storyline (same major occurrences) only we wouldn't talk about Rhett and Lily sleeping in taverns and the like. Instead we'd focus on like...Daithi and Syra camping out on the edge of the forest near the town where the tavern they were in was. Or something like that. And we could have things happen, like Syra falls in love with someone ("someone" being either Daithi or Rhett, I haven't decided which). It'd make more sense for Syra to fall in love with Daithi since they're both evil, and she kinda doesn't act like she loves Rhett at the end. Like, if she loved him, she would've said something like, "Now that Lily's out of the way I can be with you forever!" and all that wonderful stuff. So I'm thinking a Daithi-Syra relationship would be more practical, and maybe we'd have it more one-sided. Like Syra loves Daithi so she does all this stuff for him (like trying to get rid of...whoever...was it Rhett or Lily? Now that I think about it, I don't actually know...)

And where did this idea come from? Well I sorta already told you, but I've always thought about the people that just sorta die. Like you know, the extra policemen in movies that try to stop the "hero" and end up getting shot and die within their 3 seconds on screen. But those "extra policemen" actually had lives and families and a job and whatnot, and they were just suddenly killed. So instead of focusing on the hero like most stories, this derived RP would focus on the bad guys (who are still major characters, but are more minor than the heroes). And as far as Syra goes she'd "meet up with" the heroes, and she'd still die and all that, except it would focus on her perspective on the whole story. You get the idea. I'm sure you do. I've beaten it to death.

So yeah, I know I've constantly said "No more stories!" but I just like this idea so much! Because evil people are awesome (but only if I'm the evil person. If someone's evil to me then that's not cool) and I was thinking it'd make RPing a bit more interesting since it's not the same-old same-old. And I know we need another RP because we don't have enough already, so I was helping to fix this dilemma. Anyway, now that you've read all this you can tell me what you don't think! And we don't have to do Lost Hope, we could do the baddies from another RP. Just like...invent a female baddie...because I REFUSE to RP Ms. Cary. >< Refuse. With utter hatred and...dislike. Yes. We hate whores. Anyway, I've gotta put my laundry in the dryer and get to bed because I'm really fucking tired. Talk to you on Friday! Yay. ^^ Nighty night!

~Yuki-chan
Yuki 1/22/2003 11:27:37 PM